the price she paid-第58节

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As　she　was　going；　she　could　not　resist　saying：

‘‘You　are　SURE　I　can　sing？IF；　of　coursealways　the　if。''

‘‘It　is　not　to　be　doubted。''

‘‘How　well；　do　you　think？''

‘‘You　mean　how　many　dollars　a　night　well？　　You　mean　as　well　as　this　great　singer　or　that？　　I　do　not　know。　　And　you　are　not　to　compare　yourself　with　anyone　but　yourself。　　You　will　sing　as　well　as　Mildred　Gower　at　her　best。''

For　some　reason　her　blood　went　tingling　through　her　veins。　　If　she　had　dared　she　would　have　kissed　him。



X


THAT　same　afternoon　Donald　Keith；　arrived　at　the　top　of　Mrs。　Belloc's　steps；　met　Mildred　coming　out。　Seeing　their　greeting；　one　would　have　thought　they　had　seen　each　other　but　a　few　minutes　before　or　were　casual　acquaintances。　　Said　she：

‘‘I'm　going　for　a　walk。''

‘‘Let's　take　the　taxi；''　said　he。

There　it　stood　invitingly　at　the　curb。　　She　felt　tired。　She　disliked　walking。　　She　wished　to　sit　beside　him　and　be　whirled　awayout　of　the　noisy　part　of　the　city；　up　where　the　air　was　clean　and　where　there　were　no　crowds。　But　she　had　begun　the　regimen　of　Lucia　Rivi。　　She　hesitated。　　What　matter　if　she　began　now　or　put　off　beginning　until　after　this　one　last　drive？

‘‘No；　we　will　walk；''　said　she。

‘‘But　the　streets　are　in　frightful　condition。''

She　thrust　out　a　foot　covered　with　a　new　and　shiny　storm…rubber。

‘‘Let's　drive　to　the　park　then。　　We'll　walk　there。''

‘‘No。　　If　I　get　into　the　taxi；　I'll　not　get　out。　　Send　it　away。''

When　they　were　moving　afoot　up　Madison　Avenue；　he　said：　　‘‘What's　the　matter？　　This　isn't　like　you。''

‘‘I've　come　to　my　senses；''　replied　she。　　‘‘It　may　be　too　late；　but　I'm　going　to　see。''

‘‘When　I　called　on　Mrs。　Brindley　the　other　day；''　said　he；　‘‘she　had　your　note；　saying　that　you　were　going　into　musical　comedy　with　Crossley。''

‘‘That's　over；''　said　she。　　‘‘I　lost　my　voice；　and　I　lost　my　job。''

‘‘So　I　heard；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　know　Crossley。　　I　dropped　in　to　see　him　this　morning；　and　he　told　me　about　a　foolish；　fashionable　girl　who　made　a　bluff　at　going　on　the　stagehe　said　she　had　a　good　voice　and　was　a　swell　looker；　but　proved　to　be　a　regular　‘four…　flusher。'　I　recognized　you。''

‘‘Thanks；''　said　she　dryly。

‘‘So；　I　came　to　see　you。''

She　inquired　about　Mrs。　Brindley　and　then　about　Stanley　Baird。　　Finding　that　he　was　in　Italy；　she　inquired：　　‘‘Do　you　happen　to　know　his　address？''

‘‘I'll　get　it　and　send　it　to　you。　　He　has　taken　a　house　at　Monte　Carlo　for　the　winter。''

‘‘And　you？''

‘‘I　shall　stay　hereI　think。''

‘‘You　may　join　him？''

‘‘It　depends''he　looked　at　her‘‘upon　you。''

He　could　put　a　wonderful　amount　of　meaning　into　a　slight　inflection。　　She　strugglednot　in　vainto　keep　from　changing　expression。

‘‘You　realize　now　that　the　career　is　quite　hopeless？''　said　he。

She　did　not　answer。

‘‘You　do　not　like　the　stage　life？''

‘‘No。''

‘‘And　the　stage　life　does　not　like　you？''

‘‘No。''

‘‘Your　voice　lacks　both　strength　and　stability？''

‘‘Yes。''

‘‘And　you　have　found　the　one　way　by　which　you　could　get　onand　you　don't　like　it？''

‘‘Crossley　told　you？''　said　she；　the　color　flaring。

‘‘Your　name　was　not　mentioned。　　You　may　not　believe　it；　but　Crossley　is　a　gentleman。''

She　walked　on　in　silence。

‘‘I　did　not　expect　your　failure　to　come　so　soonor　in　quite　that　way；''　he　went　on。　　‘‘I　got　Mrs。　Brindley　to　exact　a　promise　from　you　that　you'd　let　her　know　about　yourself。　　I　called　on　Mrs。　Belloc　one　day　when　you　were　out；　and　gave　her　my　confidence　and　got　hers　and　assured　myself　that　you　were　in　good　hands。　Crossley's　tale　gave　mea　shock。　　I　came　at　once。''

‘‘Then　you　didn't　abandon　me　to　my　fate；　as　I　thought？''

He　smiled　in　his　strange　way。　　‘‘I？when　I　loved　you？　　Hardly。''

‘‘Then　you　did　interest　yourself　in　me　because　you　caredprecisely　as　I　said；''　laughed　she。

‘‘And　I　should　have　given　you　up　if　you　had　succeededprecisely　as　I　said；''　replied　he。

‘‘You　wished　me　to　fail？''

‘‘I　wished　you　to　fail。　　I　did　everything　I　could　to　help　you　to　succeed。　　I　even　left　you　absolutely　alone；　set　you　in　the　right　waythe　only　way　in　which　anyone　can　win　success。''

‘‘Yes；　you　made　me　throw　away　the　crutches　and　try　to　walk。''

‘‘It　was　hard　to　do　that。　　Those　strains　are　very　wearing　at　my　time　of　life。''

‘‘You　never　were　any　younger；　and　you'll　never　be　any　older；''　laughed　she。　　‘‘That's　your　charmone　of　them。''

‘‘Mildred；　do　you　still　care？''

‘‘How　did　you　know？''　inquired　she　mockingly。

‘‘You　didn't　try　to　conceal　it。　　I'd　not　have　ventured　to　say　and　do　the　things　I　said　and　did　if　I　hadn't　felt　that　we　cared　for　each　other。　　But；　so　long　as　you　were　leading　that　fatuous　life　and　dreaming　those　foolish　dreams；　I　knew　we　could　never　be　happy。''

‘‘That　is　trueoh；　SO　true；''　replied　she。

‘‘But　nowyou　have　tried；　and　that　has　made　a　woman　of　you。　　And　you　have　failed；　and　that　has　made　you　ready　to　be　a　wifeto　be　happy　in　the　quiet；　private　ways。''

She　was　silent。

‘‘I　can　make　enough　for　us　bothas　much　as　we　will　need　or　wantas　much　as　you　please；　if　you　aren't　too　extravagant。　　And　I　can　do　it　easily。　　It's　making　little　sumsa　small　incomethat's　hard　in　this　ridiculous　world。　　Let's　marry；　go　to　California　or　Europe　for　several　months；　then　come　back　here　and　live　like　human　beings。''

She　was　silent。　　Block　after　block　they　walked　along；　as　if　neither　had　anything　especial　in　mind；　anything　worth　the　trouble　of　speech。　　Finally　he　said：

‘‘Well？''

‘‘I　can't　answeryet；''　said　she。　　‘‘Not　to…day　not　till　I've　thought。''

She　glanced　quickly　at　him。　　Over　his　impassive　face；　so　beautifully　regular　and；　to　her；　so　fascinating；　there　passed　a　quick　dark　shadow；　and　she　knew　that　he　was　suffering。　　He　laughed　quietly；　his　old　careless；　indifferent　laugh。

‘‘Oh；　yes；　you　can　answer；''　said　he。　　‘‘You　have　answered。''

She　drew　in　her　breath　sharply。

‘‘You　have　refused。''

‘‘Why　do　you　say　that；　Donald？''　she　pleaded。

‘‘To　hesitate　over　a　proposal　is　to　refuse；''　said　he　with　gentle　raillery。　　‘‘A　man　is　a　fool　who　does　not　understand　and　sheer　off　when　a　woman　asks　for　time。''

‘‘You　know　that　I　love　you；''　she　cried。

‘‘I　also　know　that　you　love　something　else　more。　But　it's　finished。　　Let's　talk　about　something　else。''

‘‘Won't　you　let　me　tell　you　why　I　hesitate？''　begged　she。

‘‘It　doesn't　matter。''

‘‘But　it　does。　　Yes；　I　do　refuse；　Donald。　　I'll　never　marry　you　until　I　am　independent。　　You　said　a　while　ago　that　what　I've　been　through　had　made　a　woman　of　me。　　Not　yet。　　I'm　only　beginning。　　I'm　still　weak　still　a　coward。　　Donald；　I　must　and　will　be　free。''

He　looked　full　at　her；　with　a　strange　smile　in　his　brilliant　eyes。　　Said　he；　with　obvious　intent　to　change　the　subject：　　‘‘Mrs。　Brindley's　very　unhappy　that　you　haven't　been　to　see　her。''

‘‘When　you　asked　me　to　marry　you；　the　only　reason　I　almost　accepted　was　because　I　want　someone　to　support　me。　　I　love　youyes。　　But　it　is　as　one　loves　before　one　has　given　oneself　and　has　lived　the　same　life　with　another。　　In　the　ordinary　sense；　it's　love　that　I　feel。　　Butdo　you　understand　me；　dearest？in　another　sense；　it's　only　the　hope　of　love；　the　belief　that　love　will　come。''

He　stopped　short　and　looked　at　her；　his　eyes　alive　with　the　stimulus　of　a　new　and　startling　idea。

‘‘If　you　and　I　had　been　everything　to　each　other；　and　you　were　saying　‘Let　us　go　on　living　the　one　life'　and　I　were　hesitating；　then　you'd　be　right。　　And　I　couldn't　hesitate；　Donald。　　If　you　were　mine；　nothing　could　make　me　give　you　up；　but　when　it's　only　the　hope　of　having　you；　then　pride　and　self…respect　have　a　chance　to　be　heard。''

He　was　ready　to　move　on。　　‘‘There's　something　in　that；''　said　he；　lapsed　into　his　usual　seeming　of　impassiveness。　　‘‘But　not　much。''

‘‘I　never　before　knew　you　to　fail　to　understand。''

‘‘I　understand　perfectly。　　You　care；　but　you　don't　care　enough　to　suit　me。　　I　haven't　waited　all　these　years　before　giving　a　woman　my　love；　to　be　content　with　a　love　seated　quietly　and　demurely　between　pride　and　self…　respect。''

‘‘You　wouldn't　marry　me　until　I　had　failed；''　said　she　shrewdly。　　‘‘Now　you　attack　me　for　refusing　to　marry　you　until　I've　succeeded。''

A　slight　shrug。　　‘‘Proposal　withdrawn；''　said　he。　‘‘Now　let's　talk　about　your　career；　your　plans。''

‘‘I'm　beginning　to　understand　myself　a　little；''　said　she。　　‘‘I　suppose　you　think　that　sort　of　personal　talk　is　very　silly　and　vainand　trivial。''

‘‘On　the　contrary；''　replied　he；　‘‘it　isn't　absolutely　necessary　to　understand　oneself。　　One　is　swept　on　in　the　same　general　direction；　anyhow。　　But　understanding　helps　one　to　go　faster　and　steadier。''

‘‘It　began；　away　back；　when　I　was　a　girlthis　idea　of　a　career。　　I　envied　men　and　despised　women；　the　sort　of　women　I　knew　and　met　with。　　I　didn't　realize　why；　then。　　But　it　was　because　a　man　had　a　chance　to　be　somebody　in　himself　and　to　do　something；　while　a　woman　was　just　aa　more　or　less　ornamental　belonging　of　some　man'swhat　you　want　me　to　become　now。''

‘‘As　far　as　possible　from　my　idea。''

‘‘Don't　you　want　me　to　belong　to　you？''

‘‘As　I　belong　to　you。''

‘‘That　sounds　well；　but　it　isn't　what　could　happen。　The　fact　is；　Donald；　that　I　want　to　belong　to　you　want　to　be　owned　by　you　and　to　lose　myself　in　you。　And　it's