the price she paid-第49节

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it　won't　make　my　face　hard。　That's　the　trouble　with　dyed　or　touched　hair；　you　know。　But　this　is　a　new　process。''

‘‘It's　certainly　a　success；''　said　Mildred。　　And　in　fact　it　was；　and　thanks　to　it　and　the　other　improvements　Mrs。　Belloc　was　an　attractive　and　even　a　pretty　woman；　years　younger　than　when　Mildred　saw　her。

‘‘Yes；　I　think　I've　improved；''　said　Mrs。　Belloc。　‘‘Nothing　to　scream　aboutbut　worth　while。　　That's　what　we're　alive　forto　improveisn't　it？　　I've　no　patience　with　people　who　slide　back；　or　don't　get　on　people　who　get　less　and　less　as　they　grow　older。　　The　trouble　with　them　is　they're　vain；　satisfied　with　themselves　as　they　are；　and　lazy。　　Most　women　are　too　lazy　to　live。　　They'll　only　fix　up　to　catch　a　man。''

Mildred　had　grown　sober　and　thoughtful。

‘‘To　catch　a　man；''　continued　Mrs。　Belloc。　　‘‘And　not　much　even　for　that。　　I'll　warrant　YOU'RE　getting　on。　Tell　me　about　it。''

‘‘Tell　me　about　yourself；　first；''　said　Mildred。

‘‘WHY　all　this　excitement　about　improving？''　And　she　smiled　significantly。

‘‘No；　you'll　have　to　guess　again；''　said　Mrs。　Belloc。　‘‘Not　a　man。　　You　remember；　I　used　to　be　crazy　about　gay　life　in　New　Yorkgoing　out；　and　men；　theaters；　and　lobster…palaceseverything　I　didn't　get　in　my　home　town；　everything　the　city　means　to　the　jays。　Well；　I've　gotten　over　all　that。　　I'm　improving；　mind　and　body；　just　to　keep　myself　interested　in　life；　to　keep　myself　young　and　cheerful。　　I'm　interested　in　myself；　in　my　house　and　in　woman's　suffrage。　　Not　that　the　women　are　fit　to　vote。　　They　aren't；　any　more　than　the　men。　　But　what　MAKES　people？　　Why；　responsibility。　That　old　scamp　I　marriedhe's　dead。　　And　I've　got　the　money；　and　everything's　very　comfortable　with　me。　Just　think；　I　didn't　have　any　luck　till　I　was　an　old　maid　far　gone。　　I'm　not　telling　my　age。　　All　my　life　it　had　rained　bad　luckpitchforks；　tines　down。　　And　why？''

‘‘Yes；　why？''　said　Mildred。　　She　did　not　understand　how　it　was；　but　Mrs。　Belloc　seemed　to　be　saying　the　exact　things　she　needed　to　hear。

‘‘I'll　tell　you　why。　　Because　I　didn't　work。　　Drudging　along　isn't　work　any　more　than　dawdling　along。　Work　means　purpose；　means　head。　　And　my　luck　began　just　as　anybody's　doeswhen　I　rose　up　and　got　busy。　　You　may　say　it　wasn't　very　creditable；　the　way　I　began；　but　it　was　the　best　_I_　could　do。　　I　know　it　isn't　good　morals；　but　I'm　willing　to　bet　that　many　a　man　has　laid　the　foundations　of　a　big　fine　career　by　doing　something　that　wasn't　at　all　nice　or　right。　　He　had　to　do　it；　to　‘get　through。'　　If　he　hadn't　done　it；　he'd　never　have　‘got　through。'　　Anyhow；　whether　that's　so　or　not；　everyone's　got　to　make　a　fight　to　break　into　the　part　of　the　world　where　living's　really　worth　living。　　But　I　needn't　tell　YOU　that。　　You're　doing　it。''

‘‘No；　I'm　not；''　replied　Mildred。　　‘‘I'm　ashamed　to　say　so；　but　I'm　not。　　I've　been　bluffingand　wasting　time。''

‘‘That's　bad；　that's　bad；''　said　Mrs。　Belloc。　‘‘Especially；　as　you've　got　it　in　you　to　get　there。　　What's　been　the　trouble？　　The　wrong　kind　of　associations？''

‘‘Partly；''　said　Mildred。

Mrs。　Belloc；　watching　her　interestedly；　suddenly　lighted　up。　　‘‘Why　not　come　back　here　to　live？''　said　she。　　‘‘Now；　please　don't　refuse　till　I　explain。　　You　remember　what　kind　of　people　I　had　here？''

Mildred　smiled。　　‘‘Ratherunconventional？''

‘‘That's　polite。　　Well；　I've　cleared　'em　out。　　Not　that　I　minded　their　unconventionality；　I　liked　it。　　It　was　so　different　from　the　straight…jackets　and　the　hypocrisy　I'd　been　living　among　and　hating。　　But　I　soon　found　out　thatwell；　Miss　Stevens；　the　average　human　being　ought　to　be　pretty　conventional　in　his　morals　of　a　certain　kind。　　If　heor　SHEisn't；　they　begin　to　get　unconventional　in　every　wayabout　paying　their　bills；　for　instance；　and　about　drinking。　　I　got　sick　and　tired　of　those　people。　　So；　I　put　'em　all　outmade　a　sweep。　　And　now　I've　become　quite　as　respectable　as　I　care　to　beor　as　is　necessary。　　The　couples　in　the　house　are　married；　and　they're　nice　people　of　good　families。　　It　was　Mrs。　Dyckmanshe's　got　the　whole　sec…　ond　floor　front；　she　and　her　husband　and　the　daughter　it　was　Mrs。　Dyckman　who　interested　me　in　the　suffrage　movement。　　You　must　hear　her　speak。　　And　the　daughter　does　well　at　it；　tooand　keeps　a　fashionable　millinery…shopand　she's　only　twenty…four。　　Then　there's　Nora　Blond。''

‘‘The　actress？''

‘‘The　actress。　　She's　the　quietest；　hardest…working　person　here。　　She's　got　the　whole　first　floor　front。　Nobody　ever　comes　to　see　her；　except　on　Sunday　afternoon。　She　leads　the　queerest　life。''

‘‘Tell　me　about　that；''　said　Mildred。

‘‘I　don't　know　much　about　it；''　confessed　Mrs。　Belloc。　　‘‘She's　regular　as　a　clockdoes　everything　on　time；　and　at　the　same　time。　　Two　meals　a　dayone　of　them　a　dry　little　breakfast　she　gets　herself。　　Walks；　fencing；　athletics；　study。''

‘‘What　slavery！''

‘‘She's　the　happiest　person　I　ever　saw；''　retorted　Mrs。　Belloc。　　‘‘Why；　she's　got　her　work；　her　career。　　You　don't　look　at　it　right；　Miss　Stevens。　　You　don't　look　happy。　　What's　the　matter？　　Isn't　it　because　you　haven't　been　working　rightbecause　you've　been　doing　these　alleged　pleasant　things　that　leave　a　bad　taste　in　your　mouth　and　weaken　you？　I'll　bet；　if　you　had　been　working　hard；　you'd　not　be　unhappy　now。　　Better　come　here　to　live。''

‘‘Will　you　let　me　tell　you　about　myself？''

‘‘Go　right　ahead。　　May　I　ask　questions；　where　I　want　to　know　more？　　I　do　hate　to　get　things　halfway。''

Mildred　freely　gave　her　leave；　then　proceeded　to　tell　her　whole　story；　omitting　nothing　that　was　essential　to　an　understanding。　　In　conclusion　she　said：　　‘‘I'd　like　to　come。　　You　see；　I've　very　little　money。　　When　it's　gone；　I'll　go；　unless　I　make　some　more。''

‘‘Yes；　you　must　come。　　That　Mrs。　Brindley　seems　to　be　a　nice　woman；　a　mighty　nice　woman。　　But　her　house；　and　the　people　that　come　therethey　aren't　the　right　sort　for　a　girl　that's　making　a　start。　　I　can　give　you　a　room　on　the　top　floorin　front。　　The　young　lady　next　to　you　is　a　clerk　in　an　architect's　office；　and　a　fine　girl　she　is。''

‘‘How　much　does　she　pay？''　said　Mildred。

‘‘Your　room　won't　be　quite　as　nice　as　hers。　　I　put　you　at　the　top　because　you　can　sing　up　there；　part　of　the　mornings　and　part　of　the　afternoons；　without　disturbing　anybody。　　I　don't　have　a　general　table　any　more。　　You　can　take　your　meals　in　your　room　or　at　the　restaurant　in　the　apartment…house　next　door。　　It's　good　and　quite　reasonable。''

‘‘How　much　for　the　room？''　persisted　Mildred；　laughing。

‘‘Seven　dollars　a　week；　and　the　use　of　the　bath。''

Mildred　finally　wrung　from　her　that　the　right　price　was　twelve　dollars　a　week；　and　insisted　on　paying　that　‘‘until　my　money　gets　low。''

‘‘Don't　worry　about　that；''　said　Mrs。　Belloc。

‘‘You　mustn't　weaken　me；''　cried　Mildred。　　‘‘You　mustn't　encourage　me　to　be　a　coward　and　to　shirk。　That's　why　I'm　coming　here。''

‘‘I　understand；''　said　Mrs。　Belloc。　　‘‘I've　got　the　New　England　streak　of　hardness　in　me；　though　I　believe　that　masseuse　has　almost　ironed　it　out　of　my　face。　Do　I　look　like　a　New　England　schoolmarm？''

Mildred　could　truthfully　answer　that　there　wasn't　a　trace　of　it。

When　she　returned　to　Mrs。　Brindley'salready　she　had　ceased　to　think　of　it　as　homeshe　announced　her　new　plans。　　Mrs。　Brindley　said　nothing；　but　Mildred　understood　the　quick　tightening　of　the　lines　round　her　mouth　and　the　shifting　of　the　eyes。　　She　hastened　to　explain　that　Mrs。　Belloc　was　no　longer　the　sort　of　woman　or　the　sort　of　landlady　she　had　been　a　few　months　before。　　Mrs。　Brindley　of　the　older　New　York；　could　neither　understand　nor　believe　in　the　people　of　the　new　and　real　New　York　whom　it　molds　for　better　or　for　worse　so　rapidlyand　even　remolds　again　and　again。　　But　Mildred　was　able　to　satisfy　her　that　the　house　was　at　least　not　suspicious。

‘‘It　doesn't　matter　where　you're　going；''　said　Mrs。　Brindley。　　‘‘It's　that　you　are　going。　　I　can't　bear　giving　you　up。　　I　had　hoped　that　our　lives　would　flow　on　and　on　together。''　　She　was　with　difficulty　controlling　her　emotions。　　‘‘It's　these　separations　that　age　one；　that　take　one's　life。　　I　almost　wish　I　hadn't　met　you。''

Mildred　was　moved；　herself。　　Not　so　much　as　Mrs。　Brindley　because　she　had　the　necessities　of　her　career　gripping　her　and　claiming　the　strongest　feelings　there　were　in　her。　　Also；　she　was　much　the　younger；　not　merely　in　years　but　in　experience。　　And　separations　have　no　real　poignancy　in　them　for　youth

‘‘Yes；　I　know　you　love　me；''　said　Cyrilla；　‘‘but　love　doesn't　mean　to　you　what　it　means　to　me。　　I'm　in　that　middle　period　of　life　where　everything　has　its　fullest　meaning。　　In　youth　we're　easily　consoled　and　distracted　because　life　seems　so　full　of　possibilities；　and　we　can't　believe　friendship　and　love　are　rare；　and　still　more　rarely　worth　while。　　In　old　age；　when　the　arteries　harden　and　the　blood　flows　slow　and　cold；　we　become　indifferent。　But　between　thirty…five　and　fifty…five　how　the　heart　can　ache！''　　She　smiled；　with　trembling　lips。　　‘‘And　how　it　can　rejoice！''　she　cried　bravely。　　‘‘I　must　not　forget　to　mention　that。　　Ah；　my　dear；　you　must　learn　to　live　intensely。　　If　I　had　had　your　chance！''

‘‘Ridiculous！''　laughed　Mildred。　　‘‘You　talk　like　an　old　woman。　　And　I　never　think　of　you　as　older　than　myself。''

‘‘I　AM　an　old　woman；''　said　Cyrilla