2 new moon新月-第51节

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leaned　over　so　that　his　cheek　was　resting　on　top　of　my　head。　

He　was　quiet　for　a　moment；　and　I　wondered　what　he　was　thinking　about。　Maybe　I　didn't　want　to　know。　

〃What's　the　hardest　part？〃　I　whispered；　still　wishing　I　could　help。　

〃The　hardest　part　is　feeling…　out　of　control；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃Feeling　like　I　can't　be　sure　of　myself—like　
maybe　you　shouldn't　be　around　me；　like　maybe　nobody　should。　Like　I'm　a　monster　who　might　hurt　
somebody。　You've　seen　Emily。　Sam　lost　control　of　his　temper　for　just　one　second…　and　she　was　
standing　too　close。　And　now　there's　nothing　he　can　ever　do　to　put　it　right　again。　I　hear　his　thoughts—I　
know　what　that　feels　like…　

〃Who　wants　to　be　a　nightmare；　a　monster？　

〃And　then；　the　way　it　comes　so　easily　to　me；　the　way　I'm　better　at　it　than　the　rest　of　them—does　that　
make　me　even　less　human　than　Enbry　or　Sam？　Sometimes　I'm　afraid　that　I'm　losing　myself。〃　

〃Is　it　hard？　To　find　yourself　again？〃　

〃At　first；〃　he　said。　〃It　takes　some　practice　to　phase　back　and　forth。　But　it's　easier　tor　me。〃　

〃Why？〃　I　wondered。　

〃Because　Ephraim　Black　was　my　father's　grandfather；　and　Quil　Ateara　was　my　mother's　grandfather。〃　

〃Quil？〃　I　asked　in　confusion。　

〃His　great…grandfather；〃　Jacob　clarified。　〃The　Quil　you　know　is　my　second　cousin。〃　

〃But　why　does　it　matter　who　your　great…grandfathers　are？〃　

〃Because　Ephraim　and　Quil　were　in　the　last　pack。　Levi　Uley　was　the　third。　It's　in　my　blood　on　both　sides。　
I　never　had　a　chance。　Like　Quil　doesn't　have　a　chance。〃　

His　expression　was　bleak。　

〃What's　the　very　best　part？〃　I　asked；　hoping　to　cheer　him　up。　

〃The　best　part；〃　he　said；　suddenly　smiling　again；　〃is　the　speed。〃　

〃Better　than　the　motorcycles？〃　

He　nodded；　enthusiastic。　〃There's　no　comparison。〃　

〃How　fast　can　you…　？〃　

〃Run？〃　he　finished　my　question。　〃Fast　enough。　What　can　I　measure　it　by？　We　caught…　what　was　his　
name？　Laurent？　I　imagine　that　means　more　to　you　than　it　would　to　someone　else。〃　

It　did　mean　something　to　me。　I　couldn't　imagine　that—the　wolves　running　faster　than　a　vampire。　When　the　
Cullens　ran；　they　all　but　turned　invisible　with　speed。　

〃So；　tell　me　something　I　don't　know；〃　he　said。　〃Something　about　vampires。　How　did　you　stand　it；　being　
around　them？　Didn't　it　creep　you　out？〃　

〃No；〃　I　said　curtly。　

My　tone　made　him　thoughtful　for　a　moment。　

〃Say；　why'd　your　bloodsucker　kill　that　James；　anyway？〃　he　asked　suddenly。　

〃James　was　trying　to　kill　me—it　was　like　a　game　for　him。　He　lost。　Do　you　remember　last　spring　when　I　
was　in　the　hospital　down　in　Phoenix？〃　

Jacob　sucked　in　a　breath。　〃He　got　that　close？〃　

〃He　got　very；　very　close。〃　I　stroked　my　scar。　Jacob　noticed；　because　he　held　the　hand　I　moved。　

〃What's　that？〃　He　traded　hands；　examining　my　right。　〃This　is　your　funny　scar；　the　cold　one。〃　He　looked　at　
it　closer；　with　new　eyes；　and　gasped。　

〃Yes；　it's　what　you　think　it　is；〃　I　said。　〃James　bit　me。〃　

His　eyes　bulged；　and　his　face　turned　a　strange；　sallow　color　under　the　russet　surface。　He　looked　like　he　
was　about　to　be　sick。　

〃But　if　he　bit　you…　？　Shouldn't　you　be…　？〃　He　choked。　

〃Edward　saved　me　twice；〃　I　whispered。　〃He　sucked　the　venom　out—you　know；　like　with　a　rattlesnake。〃　
I　twitched　as　the　pain　lashed　around　the　edges　of　the　hole。　

But　I　wasn't　the　only　one　twitching。　I　could　feel　Jacob's　whole　body　trembling　next　to　mine。　Even　the　car　
shook。　

〃Careful；　Jake。　Easy。　Ca　in　down。〃　

〃Yeah；〃　he　panted。　〃Calm。〃　He　shook　his　head　back　and　forth　quickly。　After　a　moment；　only　his　hands　
were　shaking。　

〃You　okay？〃　

〃Yeah；　almost。　Tell　me　something　else。　Give　me　something　else　to　think　about。〃　

〃What　do　you　want　to　know？〃　

〃I　don't　know。〃　He　had　his　eyes　closed；　concentrating。　〃The　extra　stuff　I　guess。　Did　any　of　the　other　
Cullens　have…　extra　talents？　Like　the　mind　reading？〃　

I　hesitated　a　second。　This　felt　like　a　question　he　would　ask　of　his　spy；　not　his　friend。　But　what　was　the　
point　of　hiding　what　I　knew？　It　didn't　matter　now；　and　it　would　help　him　control　himself。　

So　I　spoke　quickly；　the　image　of　Emily's　ruined　face　in　my　mind；　and　the　hair　rising　on　my　arms。　I　couldn't　
imagine　how　the　russet　wolf　would　fit　inside　the　Rabbit—Jacob　would　tear　the　whole　garage　apart　if　he　
changed　now。　

〃Jasper　could…　sort　of　control　the　emotions　of　the　people　around　him。　Not　in　a　bad　way；　just　to　calm　
someone　down；　that　kind　of　thing。　It　would　probably　help　Paul　a　lot；〃　I　added；　teasing　weakly。　〃And　then　
Alice　could　see　things　that　were　going　to　happen。　The　future；　you　know；　but　not　absolutely。　The　things　
she　saw　would　change　when　someone　changed　the　path　they　were　on…〃　

Like　how　she'd　seen　me　dying…　and　she'd　seen　me　becoming　one　of　them。　Two　things　that　had　not　
happened。　And　one　that　never　would。　My　head　started　to　spin—I　couldn't　seem　to　pull　in　enough　oxygen　
from　the　air。　No　lungs。　

Jacob　was　entirely　in　control　now；　very　still　beside　me。　

〃Why　do　you　do　that？〃　he　asked。　He　tugged　lightly　at　one　of　my　arms；　which　was　bound　around　my　
chest；　and　then　gave　up　when　it　wouldn't　come　loose　easily。　I　hadn't　even　realized　I'd　moved　them。　〃You　
do　that　when　you're　upset。　Why？〃　

〃It　hurts　to　think　about　them；〃　I　whispered。　〃It's　like　I　can't　breathe…　like　I'm　breaking　into　pieces…〃It　
was　bizarre　how　much　I　could　tell　Jacob　now。　We　had　no　more　secrets。　

He　smoothed　my　hair。　〃It's　okay；　Bella；　it's　okay。　I　won't　bring　it　up　again。　I'm　sorry。〃　

〃I'm　fine。〃　I　gasped。　〃Happens　all　the　time。　Not　your　fault。〃　

〃We're　a　pretty　messed…up　pair；　aren't　we？〃　Jacob　said。　〃Neither　one　of　us　can　hold　our　shape　together　
right。〃　

〃Pathetic；〃　I　agreed；　still　breathless。　

〃At　least　we　have　each　other；〃　he　said；　clearly　comforted　by　the　thought。　

I　was　comforted；　too。　〃At　least　there's　that；〃　I　agreed。　

And　when　we　were　together；　it　was　fine。　But　Jacob　had　a　horrible；　dangerous　job　he　felt　compelled　to　
do；　and　so　I　was　often　alone；　stuck　in　La　Push　for　safety；　with　nothing　to　do　to　keep　my　mind　off　any　of　
my　worries。　

I　felt　awkward；　always　taking　up　space　at　Billy's。　I　did　some　studying　for　another　Calculus　test　that　was　
coming　up　next　week；　but　I　could　only　look　at　math　for　so　long。　When　I　didn't　have　something　obvious　to　
do　in　my　hands；　

I　felt　like　I　ought　to　be　making　conversation　with　Billy—the　pressure　of　normal　societal　rules。　But　Billy　
wasn't　one　for　filling　up　the　long　silences；　and　so　the　awkwardness　continued。　

I　tried　hanging　out　at　Emily's　place　Wednesday　afternoon；　for　a　change。　At　first　it　was　kind　of　nice。　Emily　
was　a　cheerful　person　who　never　sat　still。　I　drifted　behind　her　while　she　flitted　around　her　little　house　and　
yard；　scrubbing　at　the　spotless　floor；　pulling　a　tiny　weed；　fixing　a　broken　hinge；　tugging　a　string　of　wool　
through　an　ancient　loom；　and　always　cooking；　too。　She　complained　lightly　about　the　increase　in　the　boys'　
appetites　from　all　their　extra　running；　but　it　was　easy　to　see　she　didn't　mind　taking　care　of　them。　It　wasn't　
hard　to　be　with　her—after　all；　we　were　both　wolf　girls　now。　

But　Sam　checked　in　after　I'd　been　there　for　a　few　hours。　I　only　stayed　long　enough　to　ascertain　that　
Jacob　was　fine　and　there　was　no　news；　and　then　I　had　to　escape。　The　aura　of　love　and　contentment　that　
surrounded　them　was　harder　to　take　in　concentrated　doses；　with　no　one　else　around　to　dilute　it。　

So　that　left　me　wandering　the　beach；　pacing　the　length　of　the　rocky　crescent　back　and　forth；　again　and　
again。　

Alone　time　wasn't　good　for　me。　Thanks　to　the　new　honesty　with　Jacob；　I'd　been　talking　and　thinking　
about　the　Cullens　way　too　much。　No　matter　how　I　tried　to　distract　myself—and　I　had　plenty　to　think　of：　I　
was　honestly　and　desperately　worried　about　Jacob　and　his　wolf…brothers；　I　was　terrified　for　Charlie　and　
the　others　who　thought　they　were　hunting　animals；　I　was　getting　in　deeper　and　deeper　with　Jacob　without　
ever　having　consciously　decided　to　progress　in　that　direction　and　I　didn't　know　what　to　do　about　
it—none　of　these　very　real；　very　deserving　of　thought；　very　pressing　concerns　could　take　my　mind　off　the　
pain　in　my　chest　for　long。　Eventually；　I　couldn't　even　walk　anymore；　because　I　couldn't　breathe。　I　sat　
down　on　a　patch　of　semidry　rocks　and　curled　up　in　a　ball。　

Jacob　found　me　like　that；　and　I　could　tell　from　his　expression　that　he　understood。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　said　right　away。　He　pulled　me　up　from　the　ground　and　wrapped　both　arms　around　my　
shoulders。　I　hadn't　realized　that　I　was　cold　until　then。　His　warmth　made　me　shudder；　but　at　least　I　could　
breathe　with　him　there。　

〃I'm　ruining　your　spring　break；〃　Jacob　accused　himself　as　we　walked　back　up　the　beach。　

〃No；　you're　not。　I　didn't　have　any　plans。　I　don't　think　I　like　spring　breaks；　anyway。〃　

〃I'll　take　tomorrow　morning　off。　The　others　can　run　without　me。　We'll　do　something　fun。〃　

The　word　seemed　out　of　place　in　my　life　right　now；　barely　comprehensible；　bizarre。　〃Fun？〃　

〃Fun　is　exactly　what　you　need。　Hmm…〃　he　gazed　out　across　the　heaving　gray　waves；　deliberating。　As　his　
eyes　scanned　the　horizon；　he　had　a　flash　of　inspiration。　

〃Got　it！〃　he　crowed。　〃Another　promise　to　keep。〃　

〃What　are　you　talk