2 new moon新月-第40节

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I　didn't　understand　why　the　Edward　delusion　was　unexpectedly　in　my　mind。　Jacob　was　livid；　but　he　was　
Jacob。　There　was　no　adrenaline；　no　danger。　

〃Give　him　a　chance　to　calm　down；〃　Edward's　voice　insisted。　

I　shook　my　head　in　confusion。　〃You're　being　ridiculous；〃　I　told　them　both。　

〃Fine；〃　Jacob　answered；　breathing　deeply　again。　〃I　won't　argue　it　with　you。　It　doesn't　matter　anyway；　the　

damage　is　done。〃　

〃What　damage？〃　

He　didn't　flinch　as　I　shouted　the　words　in　his　face。　

〃Let's　head　back。　There's　nothing　more　to　say。〃　

I　gaped。　〃There's　everything　more　to　say！　You　haven't　said　anything　yet！〃　

He　walked　past　me；　striding　back　toward　the　house。　

〃I　ran　into　Quil　today；〃　I　yelled　after　him。　

He　paused　midstep；　but　didn't　turn。　

〃You　remember　your　friend；　Quil？　Yeah；　he's　terrified。〃　

Jacob　whirled　to　face　me。　His　expression　was　pained。　〃Quil〃　was　all　he　said。　

〃He's　worried　about　you；　too。　He's　freaked　out。〃　

Jacob　stared　past　me　with　desperate　eyes。　

I　goaded　him　further。　〃He's　frightened　that　he's　next。〃　

Jacob　clutched　at　a　tree　for　support；　his　face　turning　a　strange　shade　of　green　under　the　red…brown　
surface。　〃He　won't　be　next；〃　Jacob　muttered　to　himself。　〃He　can't　be。　It's　over　now。　This　shouldn't　still　be　
happening。　Why？　Why？〃　His　fist　slammed　against　the　tree。　It　wasn't　a　big　tree；　slender　and　only　a　few　
feet　taller　than　Jacob。　But　it　still　surprised　me　when　tht　trunk　gave　way　and　snapped　off　loudly　under　his　
blows。　

Jacob　stared　at　the　sharp；　broken　point　with　shock　that　quickly　turned　to　horror。　

〃I　have　to　get　back。〃　He　whirled　and　stalked　away　so　swiftly　that　I　had　to　jog　to　keep　up。　

〃Back　to　Sam！〃　

〃That's　one　way　of　looking　at　it；〃　it　sounded　like　he　said。　He　was　mumbling　and　facing　away。　

I　chased　him　back　to　the　truck。　〃Wait！〃　I　called　as　he　turned　toward　the　house。　

He　spun　around　to　face　me；　and　I　saw　that　his　hands　were　shaking　again。　

〃Go　home；　Bella。　I　can't　hang　out　with　you　anymore。〃　

The　silly；　inconsequential　hurt　was　incredibly　potent。　The　tears　welled　up　again。　〃Are　you…　breaking　up　
with　me？〃　The　words　were　all　wrong；　but　they　were　the　best　way　I　could　think　to　phrase　what　I　was　
asking。　After　all；　what　Jake　and　I　had　was　more　than　any　schoolyard　romance。　Stronger。　

He　barked　out　a　bitter　laugh。　〃Hardly。　If　that　were　the　case；　I'd　say　'Let's　stay　friends。'　I　can't　even　say　
that。〃　

〃Jacob…　why？　Sam　won't　let　you　have　other　friends？　Please；　Jake。　You　promised。　I　need　you！〃　The　
blank　emptiness　of　my　life　before—before　Jacob　brought　some　semblance　of　reason　back　into　
it—reared　up　and　confronted　me。　Loneliness　choked　in　my　throat。　

〃I'm　sorry；　Bella；〃　Jacob　said　each　word　distinctly　in　a　cold　voice　that　didn't　seem　to　belong　to　him。　

I　didn't　believe　that　this　was　really　what　Jacob　wanted　to　say。　It　seemed　like　there　was　something　else　
trying　to　be　said　through　his　angry　eyes；　but　I　couldn't　understand　the　message。　

Maybe　this　wasn't　about　Sam　at　all。　Maybe　this　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　Cullens。　Maybe　he　was　just　
trying　to　pull　himself　out　of　a　hopeless　situation。　Maybe　I　should　let　him　do　that；　if　that's　what　was　best　for　
him。　I　should　do　that。　It　would　be　right。　

But　I　heard　my　voice　escaping　in　a　whisper。　

〃I'm　sorry　that　I　couldn't…　before…　I　wish　I　could　change　how　I　feel　about　you；　Jacob。〃　I　was　
desperate；　reaching；　stretching　the　truth　so　far　that　it　curved　nearly　into　the　shape　of　a　lie。　〃Maybe…　
maybe　I　would　change；〃　I　whispered。　〃Maybe；　if　you　gave　me　some　time…　just　don't　quit　on　me　now；　
Jake。　I　can't　take　it。〃　

His　face　went　from　anger　to　agony　in　a　second。　One　shaking　hand　reached　out　toward　me。　

〃No。　Don't　think　like　that；　Bella；　please。　Don't　blame　yourself；　don't　think　this　is　your　fault。　This　one　is　all　
me。　I　swear；　it's　not　about　you。〃　

〃It's　not　you；　it's　me；〃　I　whispered。　〃There's　a　new　one。〃　

〃I　mean　it；　Bella。　I'm　not…〃　he　struggled；　his　voice　going　even　huskier　as　he　fought　to　control　his　emotion。　
His　eyes　were　tortured。　〃I'm　not　good　enough　to　be　your　friend　anymore；　or　anything　else。　I'm　not　what　I　
was　before。　I'm　not　good。〃　

〃What？〃　I　stared　at　him；　confused　and　appalled。　〃What　are　you　saying？　You're　much　better　than　I　am；　
Jake。　You　are　good！　Who　told　you　that　you　aren't？　Sam？　It's　a　vicious　lie；　Jacob！　Don't　let　him　tell　you　
that！〃　I　was　suddenly　yelling　again。　

Jacob's　face　went　hard　and　flat。　〃No　one　had　to　tell　me　anything。　I　know　what　I　am。〃　

〃You're　my　friend；　that's　what　you　are！　Jake—don't！〃　

He　was　backing　away　from　me。　

〃I'm　sorry；　Bella；〃　he　said　again；　this　time　it　was　a　broken　mumble。　He　turned　and　almost　ran　into　the　
house。　

I　was　unable　to　move　from　where　I　stood。　I　stared　at　the　little　house；　it　looked　too　small　to　hold　four　
large　boys　and　two　larger　men。　There　was　no　reaction　inside。　No　flutter　at　the　edge　of　the　curtain；　no　
sound　of　voices　or　movement。　It　faced　me　vacantly。　

The　rain　started　to　drizzle；　stinging　here　and　there　against　my　skin。　I　couldn't　take　my　eyes　off　the　house。　
Jacob　would　come　back。　He　had　to。　

The　rain　picked　up；　and　so　did　the　wind。　The　drops　were　no　longer　falling　from　above；　they　slanted　at　an　
angle　from　the　west。　I　could　smell　the　brine　from　the　ocean。　My　hair　whipped　in　my　face；　sticking　to　the　
wet　places　and　tangling　in　my　lashes。　I　waited。　

Finally　the　door　opened；　and　I　took　a　step　forward　in　relief。　

Billy　rolled　his　chair　into　the　door　frame。　I　could　see　no　one　behind　him。　

〃Charlie　just　called；　Bella。　I　told　him　you　were　on　your　way　home。〃　His　eyes　were　full　of　pity。　

The　pity　made　it　final　somehow。　I　didn't　comment。　I　just　turned　robotically　and　climbed　in　my　truck。　I'd　
left　the　windows　open　and　the　seats　were　slick　and　wet。　It　didn't　matter。　I　was　already　soaked。　

Not　as　bad！　Not　as　bad！　my　mind　tried　to　comfort　me。　It　was　true。　This　wasn't　as　bad。　This　wasn't　the　
end　of　the　world；　not　again。　This　was　just　the　end　of　what　little　peace　there　was　left　behind。　That　was　all。　

Not　as　bad；　I　agreed；　then　added；　but　bad　enough。　

I'd　thought　Jake　had　been　healing　the　hole　in　me—or　at　least　plugging　it　up；　keeping　it　from　hurting　me　so　
much。　I'd　been　wrong。　He'd　just　been　carving　out　his　own　hole；　so　that　I　was　now　riddled　through　like　
Swiss　cheese。　I　wondered　why　I　didn't　crumble　into　pieces。　

Charlie　was　waiting　on　the　porch。　As　I　rolled　to　a　stop；　he　walked　out　to　meet　me。　

〃Billy　called。　He　said　you　got　in　fight　with　Jake—said　you　were　pretty　upset；〃　he　explained　as　he　opened　
my　door　for　me。　

Then　he　looked　at　my　face。　A　kind　of　horrified　recognition　registered　in　his　expression。　I　tried　to　feel　my　
face　from　the　inside　out；　to　know　what　he　was　seeing。　My　face　felt　empty　and　cold；　and　I　realized　what　it　
would　remind　him　of。　

〃That's　not　exactly　how　it　happened；〃　I　muttered。　

Charlie　put　his　arm　around　me　and　helped　me　out　of　the　car。　He　didn't　comment　on　my　sodden　clothes。　

〃Then　what　did　happen'〃　he　asked　when　we　were　inside。　He　pulled　the　afghan　off　the　back　of　the　sofa　as　
he　spoke　and　wrapped　it　around　my　shoulders。　I　realized　I　was　shivering　still。　

My　voice　was　lifeless。　〃Sam　Uley　says　Jacob　can't　be　my　friend　anymore。〃　

Charlie　shot　me　a　strange　look。　〃Who　told　you　that？〃　

〃Jacob；〃　I　stated；　though　that　wasn't　exactly　what　he'd　said。　It　was　still　true。　

Charlie's　eyebrows　pulled　together。　〃You　really　think　there's　something　wrong　with　the　Uley　kid？〃　

〃I　know　there　is。　Jacob　wouldn't　tell　me　what；　though。〃　I　could　hear　the　water　from　my　clothes　dripping　
to　the　floor　and　splashing　on　the　linoleum。　〃I'm　going　to　go　change。〃　

Charlie　was　lost　in　thought。　〃Okay；〃　he　said　absently。　

I　decided　to　take　a　shower　because　I　was　so　cold；　but　the　hot　water　didn't　seem　to　affect　the　
temperature　of　my　skin。　I　was　still　freezing　when　I　gave　up　and　shut　the　water　off。　In　the　sudden　quiet；　I　
could　hear　Charlie　talking　to　someone　downstairs。　I　wrapped　a　towel　around　me；　and　cracked　the　
bathroom　door。　

Charlie's　voice　was　angry。　〃I'm　not　buying　that。　It　doesn't　make　any　sense。〃　

It　was　quiet　then；　and　I　realized　he　was　on　the　phone。　A　minute　passed。　

〃Don't　you　put　this　on　Bella！〃　Charlie　suddenly　shouted。　

I　jumped。　When　he　spoke　again；　his　voice　was　careful　and　lower。　〃Bella's　made　it　very　clear　all　along　that　

she　and　Jacob　were　just　friends…　Well；　if　that　was　it；　then　why　didn't　you　say　so　at　first？　No；　Billy；　I　
think　she's　right　about　this…　Because　I　know　my　daughter；　and　if　she　says　Jacob　was　scared　before—〃　
He　was　cut　off　mid…sentence；　and　when　he　answered　he　was　almost　shouting　again。　

〃What　do　you　mean　I　don't　know　my　daughter　as　well　as　I　think　I　do！〃　He　listened　for　a　brief　second；　
and　his　response　was　almost　too　low　for　me　to　hear。　〃If　you　think　I'm　going　to　remind　her　about　that；　then　
you　had　better　think　again。　She's　only　just　starting　to　get　over　it；　and　mostly　because　of　Jacob；　I　think。　If　
whatever　Jacob　has　going　on　with　this　Sam　character　sends　her　back　into　that　depression；　then　Jacob　is　
going　to　have　to　answer　to　me。　You're　my　friend；　Billy；　but　this　is　hurting　my　family。〃　

There　was　another　break　for　Billy　to　respond。