curious republic of gondour-第4节

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Agricultural　Department　in　this　magazine；　I　certainly　did　not　desire　to
deceive　anybody。　　I　had　not　the　remotest　desire　to　play　upon　any　one's
confidence　with　a　practical　joke；　for　he　is　a　pitiful　creature　indeed　who
will　degrade　the　dignity　of　his　humanity　to　the　contriving　of　the　witless
inventions　that　go　by　that　name。　　I　purposely　wrote　the　thing　as　absurdly
and　as　extravagantly　as　it　could　be　written；　in　order　to　be　sure　and　not
mislead　hurried　or　heedless　readers：　for　I　spoke　of　launching　a　triumphal
barge　upon　a　desert；　and　planting　a　tree　of　prosperity　in　a　minea　tree
whose　fragrance　should　slake　the　thirst　of　the　naked；　and　whose　branches
should　spread　abroad　till　they　washed　the　chorea　of；　etc。；　etc。　　I
thought　that　manifest　lunacy　like　that　would　protect　the　reader。　　But　to
make　assurance　absolute；　and　show　that　I　did　not　and　could　not　seriously
mean　to　attempt　an　Agricultural　Department；　I　stated　distinctly　in　my
postscript　that　I　did　not　know　anything　about　Agriculture。　　But　alas！
right　there　is　where　I　made　my　worst　mistakefor　that　remark　seems　to
have　recommended　my　proposed　Agriculture　more　than　anything　else。　　It
lets　a　little　light　in　on　me；　and　I　fancy　I　perceive　that　the　farmers
feel　a　little　bored；　sometimes；　by　the　oracular　profundity　of
agricultural　editors　who　〃know　it　all。〃　　In　fact；　one　of　my
correspondents　suggests　this　（for　that　unhappy　squib　has　deluged　me　with
letters　about　potatoes；　and　cabbages；　and　hominy；　and　vermicelli；　and
maccaroni；　and　all　the　other　fruits；　cereals；　and　vegetables　that　ever
grew　on　earth；　and　if　I　get　done　answering　questions　about　the　best　way
of　raising　these　things　before　I　go　raving　crazy；　I　shall　be　thankful；
and　shall　never　write　obscurely　for　fun　any　more）。

Shall　I　tell　the　real　reason　why　I　have　unintentionally　succeeded　in
fooling　so　many　people？　　It　is　because　some　of　them　only　read　a　little　of
the　squib　I　wrote　and　jumped　to　the　conclusion　that　it　was　serious；　and
the　rest　did　not　read　it　at　all；　but　heard　of　my　agricultural　venture　at
second…hand。　　Those　cases　I　could　not　guard　against；　of　course。　　To　write
a　burlesque　so　wild　that　its　pretended　facts　will　not　be　accepted　in
perfect　good　faith　by　somebody；　is；　very　nearly　an　impossible　thing　to
do。　　It　is　because；　in　some　instances；　the　reader　is　a　person　who　never
tries　to　deceive　anybody　himself；　and　therefore　is　not　expecting　any　one
to　wantonly　practise　a　deception　upon　him；　and　in　this　case　the　only
person　dishonoured　is　the　man　who　wrote　the　burlesque。　　In　other
instances　the　〃nub〃　or　moral　of　the　burlesqueif　its　object　be　to
enforce　a　truthescapes　notice　in　the　superior　glare　of　something　in　the
body　of　the　burlesque　itself。　　And　very　often　this　〃moral〃　is　tagged　on
at　the　bottom；　and　the　reader；　not　knowing　that　it　is　the　key　of　the
whole　thing　and　the　only　important　paragraph　in　the　article；　tranquilly
turns　up　his　nose　at　it　and　leaves　it　unread。　　One　can　deliver　a　satire
with　telling　force　through　the　insidious　medium　of　a　travesty；　if　he　is
careful　not　to　overwhelm　the　satire　with　the　extraneous　interest　of　the
travesty；　and　so　bury　it　from　the　reader's　sight　and　leave　him　a　joked
and　defrauded　victim；　when　the　honest　intent　was　to　add　to　either　his
knowledge　or　his　wisdom。　　I　have　had　a　deal　of　experience　in　burlesques
and　their　unfortunate　aptness　to　deceive　the　public；　and　this　is　why　I
tried　hard　to　make　that　agricultural　one　so　broad　and　so　perfectly
palpable　that　even　a　one…eyed　potato　could　see　it；　and　yet；　as　I　speak
the　solemn　truth；　it　fooled　one　of　the　ablest　agricultural　editors　in
America！






DAN　MURPHY

One　of　the　saddest　things　that　ever　came　under　my　notice　（said　the
banker's　clerk）　was　there　in　Corning；　during　the　war。　　Dan　Murphy
enlisted　as　a　private；　and　fought　very　bravely。　　The　boys　all　liked　him；
and　when　a　wound　by　and　by　weakened　him　down　till　carrying　a　musket　was
too　heavy　work　for　him；　they　clubbed　together　and　fixed　him　up　as　a
sutler。　　He　made　money　then；　and　sent　it　always　to　his　wife　to　bank　for
him。　　She　was　a　washer　and　ironer；　and　knew　enough　by　hard　experience　to
keep　money　when　she　got　it。　　She　didn't　waste　a　penny。　　On　the　contrary；
she　began　to　get　miserly　as　her　bank　account　grew。　　She　grieved　to　part
with　a　cent；　poor　creature；　for　twice　in　her　hard…working　life　she　had
known　what　it　was　to　be　hungry；　cold；　friendless；　sick；　and　without　a
dollar　in　the　world；　and　she　had　a　haunting　dread　of　suffering　so　again。
Well；　at　last　Dan　died；　and　the　boys；　in　testimony　of　their　esteem　and
respect　for　him；　telegraphed　to　Mrs。　　Murphy　to　know　if　she　would　like　to
have　him　embalmed　and　sent　home；　when　you　know　the　usual　custom　was　to
dump　a　poor　devil　like　him　into　a　shallow　hole；　and　then　inform　his
friends　what　had　become　of　him。　　Mrs。　　Murphy　jumped　to　the　conclusion
that　it　would　only　cost　two　or　three　dollars　to　embalm　her　dead　husband；
and　so　she　telegraphed　〃Yes。〃　　It　was　at　the　〃wake〃　that　the　bill　for
embalming　arrived　and　was　presented　to　the　widow。　　She　uttered　a　wild；
sad　wail；　that　pierced　every　heart；　and　said：　〃Sivinty…foive　dollars　for
stoofhn'　Dan；　blister　their　sowls！　　Did　thim　divils　suppose　I　was　goin'
to　stairt　a　Museim；　that　I'd　be　dalin'　in　such　expinsive　curiassities！〃

The　banker's　clerk　said　there　was　not　a　dry　eye　in　the　house。






THE　〃TOURNAMENT〃　IN　A。　D。　1870

Lately　there　appeared　an　item　to　this　effect；　and　the　same　went　the
customary　universal　round　of　the　press：

　　　　　A　telegraph　station　has　just　been　established　upon　the　traditional
　　　　　site　of　the　Garden　of　Eden。

As　a　companion　to　that；　nothing　fits　so　aptly　and　so　perfectly　as　this：

　　　　　Brooklyn　has　revived　the　knightly　tournament　of　the　Middle　Ages。

It　is　hard　to　tell　which　is　the　most　startling；　the　idea　of　that　highest
achievement　of　human　genius　and　intelligence；　the　telegraph；　prating　away
about　the　practical　concerns　of　the　world's　daily　life　in　the　heart　and
home　of　ancient　indolence；　ignorance；　and　savagery；　or　the　idea　of　that
happiest　expression　of　the　brag；　vanity；　and　mock…heroics　of　our
ancestors；　the　〃tournament；〃　coming　out　of　its　grave　to　flaunt　its　tinsel
trumpery　and　perform　its　〃chivalrous〃　absurdities　in　the　high　noon　of　the
nineteenth　century；　and　under　the　patronage　of　a　great；　broad…awake　city
and　an　advanced　civilisation。

A　〃tournament〃　in　Lynchburg　is　a　thing　easily　within　the　comprehension　of
the　average　mind；　but　no　commonly　gifted　person　can　conceive　of　such　a
spectacle　in　Brooklyn　without　straining　his　powers。　　Brooklyn　is　part　and
parcel　of　the　city　of　New　York；　and　there　is　hardly　romance　enough　in　the
entire　metropolis　to　re…supply　a　Virginia　〃knight〃　with　〃chivalry；〃　in
case　he　happened　to　run　out　of　it。　　Let　the　reader　calmly　and
dispassionately　picture　to　himself　〃lists〃　in　Brooklyn；　heralds；
pursuivants；　pages；　garter　king…at…armsin　Brooklyn；　the　marshalling　of
the　fantastic　hosts　of　〃chivalry〃　in　slashed　doublets；　velvet　trunks；
ruffles；　and　plumesin　Brooklyn；　mounted　on　omnibus　and　livery…stable
patriarchs；　promoted；　and　referred　to　in　cold　blood　as　〃steeds；〃
〃destriers；〃　and　〃chargers；〃　and　divested　of　their　friendly；　humble　names
these　meek　old　〃Jims〃　and　〃Bobs〃　and　〃Charleys；〃　and　renamed　〃Mohammed；〃
〃Bucephalus；〃　and　〃Saladin〃in　Brooklyn；　mounted　thus；　and　armed　with
swords　and　shields　and　wooden　lances；　and　cased　in　paste　board　hauberks；
morions；　greaves；　and　gauntlets；　and　addressed　as　〃Sir〃　Smith；　and　〃Sir〃
Jones；　and　bearing　such　titled　grandeurs　as　〃The　Disinherited　Knight；〃
the　〃Knight　of　Shenandoah；〃　the　〃Knight　of　the　Blue　Ridge；〃　the　〃Knight
of　Maryland；〃　and　the　〃Knight　of　the　Secret　Sorrow〃in　Brooklyn；　and　at
the　toot　of　the　horn　charging　fiercely　upon　a　helpless　ring　hung　on　a
post；　and　prodding　at　it　in　trepidly　with　their　wooden　sticks；　and　by　and
by　skewering　it　and　cavorting　back　to　the　judges'　stand　covered　with
glory　this　in　Brooklyn；　and　each　noble　success　like　this　duly　and
promptly　announced　by　an　applauding　toot　from　the　herald's　horn；　and　〃the
band　playing　three　bars　of　an　old　circus　tune〃all　in　Brooklyn；　in　broad
daylight。　　And　let　the　reader　remember；　and　also　add　to　his　picture；　as
follows；　to　wit：　when　the　show　was　all　over；　the　party　who　had　shed　the
most　blood　and　overturned　and　hacked　to　pieces　the　most　knights；　or　at
least　had　prodded　the　most　muffin…rings；　was　accorded　the　ancient
privilege　of　naming　and　crowning　the　Queen　of　Love　and　Beautywhich
naming　had　in　reality　been　done　for；　him　by　the　〃cut…and…dried〃　process；
and　long　in　advance；　by　a　committee　of　ladies；　but　the　crowning　he　did　in
person；　though　suffering　from　loss　of　blood；　and　then　was　taken　to　the
county　hospital　on　a　shutter　to　have　his　wounds　dressedthese　curious
things　all　occurring　in　Brooklyn；　and　no　longer　ago　than　one　or　two
yesterdays。　　It　seems　impossible；　and　yet　it　is　true。

This　was　doubtless　the　first　appearance　of　the　〃tournament〃　up　here　among
the　rolling…mills　and　factories；　and　will　probably　be　the　last。　　It　will
be　well　to　let　it　retire　permanently　to　the　rural　districts　of　Virginia；
where；　it　is　said；　the　fine　mailed　and　plumed；　noble…natured；　maiden…
rescuing；　wrong…redressing；