curious republic of gondour-第11节

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much　fagged　and　exhausted；　both　in　body　and　mind；　at　such　a　time；　to　be
reliable；　and　maybe　the　very　thing　he　wants　to　say；　he　cannot　think　of　to
save　him；　and　besides　there　are　his　weeping　friends　bothering　around；
and　worse　than　all　as　likely　as　not　he　may　have　to　deliver　his　last　gasp
before　he　is　expecting　to。　　A　man　cannot　always　expect　to　think　of　a
natty　thing　to　say　under　such　circumstances；　and　so　it　is　pure　egotistic
ostentation　to　put　it　off。　　There　is　hardly　a　case　on　record　where　a　man
came　to　his　last　moment　unprepared　and　said　a　good　thing　hardly　a　case
where　a　man　trusted　to　that　last　moment　and　did　not　make　a　solemn　botch
of　it　and　go　out　of　the　world　feeling　absurd。

Now　there　was　Daniel　Webster。　　Nobody　could　tell　him　anything。　　He　was
not　afraid。　　He　could　do　something　neat　when　the　time　came。　　And　how　did
it　turn　out？　　Why；　his　will　had　to　be　fixed　over；　and　then　all　the
relations　came；　and　first　one　thing　and　then　another　interfered；　till　at
last　he　only　had　a　chance　to　say；　〃I　still　live；〃　and　up　he　went。

Of　course　he　didn't　still　live；　because　he　diedand　so　he　might　as　well
have　kept　his　last　words　to　himself　as　to　have　gone　and　made　such　a
failure　of　it　as　that。　　A　week　before　that　fifteen　minutes　of　calm
reflection　would　have　enabled　that　man　to　contrive　some　last　words　that
would　have　been　a　credit　to　himself　and　a　comfort　to　his　family　for
generations　to　come。

And　there　was　John　Quincy　Adams。　　Relying　on　his　splendid　abilities　and
his　coolness　in　emergencies；　he　trusted　to　a　happy　hit　at　the　last　moment
to　carry　him　through；　and　what　was　the　result？　　Death　smote　him　in　the
House　of　Representatives；　and　he　observed；　casually；　〃This　is　the　last　of
earth。〃　　The　last　of　earth！　　Why　〃the　last　of　earth〃　when　there　was　so
much　more　left？　　If　he　had　said　it　was　the　last　rose　of　summer　or　the
last　run　of　shad；　it　would　have　had　as　much　point　in　it。　　What　he　meant
to　say　was；　〃Adam　was　the　first　and　Adams　is　the　last　of　earth；〃　but　he
put　it　off　a　trifle　too　long；　and　so　he　had　to　go　with　that　unmeaning
observation　on　his　lips。

And　there　we　have　Napoleon's　〃Tete　d'armee。〃　　That　don't　mean　anything。
Taken　by　itself；　〃Head　of　the　army；〃　is　no　more　important　than　〃Head　of
the　police。〃　　And　yet　that　was　a　man　who　could　have　said　a　good　thing　if
he　had　barred　out　the　doctor　and　studied　over　it　a　while。　　Marshal　Neil；
with　half　a　century　at　his　disposal；　could　not　dash　off　anything　better
in　his　last　moments　than　a　poor　plagiarism　of　another　man's　words；　which
were　not　worth　plagiarizing　in　the　first　place。　　〃The　French　army。〃
Perfectly　irrelevantperfectly　flat　utterly　pointless。　　But　if　he　had
closed　one　eye　significantly；　and　said；　〃The　subscriber　has　made　it
lively　for　the　French　army；〃　and　then　thrown　a　little　of　the　comic　into
his　last　gasp；　it　would　have　been　a　thing　to　remember　with　satisfaction
all　the　rest　of　his　life。　　I　do　wish　our　great　men　would　quit　saying
these　flat　things　just　at　the　moment　they　die。　　Let　us　have　their　next…
to…the…last　words　for　a　while；　and　see　if　we　cannot　patch　up　from　them
something　that　will　be　more　satisfactory。

The　public　does　not　wish　to　be　outraged　in　this　way　all　the　time。

But　when　we　come　to　call　to　mind　the　last　words　of　parties　who　took　the
trouble　to　make　the　proper　preparation　for　the　occasion；　we　immediately
notice　a　happy　difference　in　the　result。

There　was　Chesterfield。　　Lord　Chesterfield　had　laboured　all　his　life　to
build　up　the　most　shining　reputation　for　affability　and　elegance　of
speech　and　manners　the　world　has　ever　seen。　　And　could　you　suppose　he
failed　to　appreciate　the　efficiency　of　characteristic　〃last　words；〃　in
the　matter　of　seizing　the　successfully　driven　nail　of　such　a　reputation
and　clinching　on　the　other　side　for　ever？　　Not　he。　　He　prepared　himself。
He　kept　his　eye　on　the　clock　and　his　finger　on　his　pulse。　　He　awaited　his
chance。　　And　at　last；　when　he　knew　his　time　was　come；　he　pretended　to
think　a　new　visitor　had　entered；　and　so；　with　the　rattle　in　his　throat
emphasised　for　dramatic　effect；　he　said　to　the　servant；　〃Shin　around；
John；　and　get　the　gentleman　a　chair。〃　　And　so　he　died；　amid　thunders　of
applause。

Next　we　have　Benjamin　Franklin。　　Franklin；　the　author　of　Poor　Richard's
quaint　sayings；　Franklin　the　immortal　axiom…builder；　who　used　to　sit　up
at　nights　reducing　the　rankest　old　threadbare　platitudes　to　crisp　and
snappy　maxims　that　had　a　nice；　varnished；　original　look　in　their
regimentals；　who　said；　〃Virtue　is　its　own　reward；〃　who　said；
〃Procrastination　is　the　thief　of　time；〃　who　said；　〃Time　and　tide　wait　for
no　man〃　and　〃Necessity　is　the　mother　of　invention；〃　good　old　Franklin；
the　Josh　Billings　of　the　eighteenth　centurythough；　sooth　to　say；　the
latter　transcends　him　in　proverbial　originality　as　much　as　he　falls　short
of　him　in　correctness　of　orthography。　　What　sort　of　tactics　did　Franklin
pursue？　　He　pondered　over　his　last　words　for　as　much　as　two　weeks；　and
then　when　the　time　came；　he　said；　〃None　but　the　brave　deserve　the　fair；〃
and　died　happy。　　He　could　not　have　said　a　sweeter　thing　if　he　had　lived
till　he　was　an　idiot。

Byron　made　a　poor　business　of　it；　and　could　not　think　of　anything　to　say；
at　the　last　moment　but；　〃AugustasisterLady　Byrontell　Harriet
Beecher　Stowe〃etc。；　etc。；but　Shakespeare　was　ready　and　said；　〃England
expects　every　man　to　do　his　duty！〃　and　went　off　with　splendid　eclat。

And　there　are　other　instances　of　sagacious　preparation　for　a　felicitous
closing　remark。　　For　instance：

Joan　of　Arc　said；　〃Tramp；　tramp；　tramp　the　boys　are　marching。〃

Alexander　the　Great　said；　〃Another　of　those　Santa　Cruz　punches；　if　you
please。〃

The　Empress　Josephine　said；　〃Not　for　Jo…〃　and　could　get　no　further。

Cleopatra　said；　〃The　Old　Guard　dies；　but　never　surrenders。〃

Sir　Walter　Raleigh　said；　〃Executioner；　can　I　take　your　whetstone　a
moment；　please？〃　though　what　for　is　not　clear。

John　Smith　said；　〃Alas；　I　am　the　last　of　my　race。〃

Queen　Elizabeth　said；　〃Oh；　I　would　give　my　kingdom　for　one　moment　more
I　have　forgotten　my　last　words。〃

And　Red　Jacket；　the　noblest　Indian　brave　that　ever　wielded　a　tomahawk　in
defence　of　a　friendless　and　persecuted　race；　expired　with　these　touching
words　upon　his　lips；　〃Wawkawampanoosucwinnebayowallazvsagamoresa…
skatchewan。〃　　There　was　not　a　dry　eye　in　the　wigwam。

Let　not　this　lesson　be　lost　upon　our　public　men。　　Let　them　take　a　healthy
moment　for　preparation；　and　contrive　some　last　words　that　shall　be　neat
and　to　the　point。　　Let　Louis　Napoleon　say；

〃I　am　content　to　follow　my　unclestill；　I　do　not　wish　to　improve　upon
his　last　word。　　Put　me　down　for　'Tete　d'armee。'〃

And　Garret　Davis；　〃Let　me　recite　the　unabridged　dictionary。〃

And　H。　G。；　〃I　desire；　now；　to　say　a　few　words　on　political　economy。〃

And　Mr。　Bergh；　〃Only　take　part　of　me　at　a　time；　if　the　load　will　be
fatiguing　to　the　hearse　horses。〃

And　Andrew　Johnson；　〃I　have　been　an　alderman；　Member　of　Congress；
Governor；　Senator；　Presadieu；　you　know　the　rest。〃

And　Seward。；　〃Alas！…ka。〃

And　Grant；　〃O。〃

All　of　which　is　respectfully　submitted；　with　the　most　honorable
intentions。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　M。　T。

P。　S。I　am　obliged　to　leave　out　the　illustrations。　　The　artist　finds　it
impossible　to　make　a　picture　of　people's　last　words。







End