speaking of operations-第6节

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of　the　modern　operator　is　to　cut　it　out　and　hide　it　some　place　where
you　can't　find　it。　　The　oldtimer　would　have　bombarded　it　with　a
large　brunette　pill　about　the　size　and　color　of　a　damson　plum。
Or　he　might　put　you　on　a　diet　of　molasses　seasoned　to　taste　with
blue　mass　and　quinine　and　other　attractive　condiments。　　Likewise；
in　the　spring　of　the　year　he　frequently　anointed　the　young　of　the
species　with　a　mixture　of　mutton　suet　and　asafetida。　　This　treatment
had　an　effect　that　was　distinctly　depressing　upon　the　growing　boy。
It　militated　against　his　popularity。　　It　forced　him　to　seek　his
pleasures　outdoors；　and　a　good　distance　outdoors　at　that。

It　was　very　hard　for　a　boy；　however　naturally　attractive　he　might
be；　to　retain　his　popularity　at　the　fireside　circle　when　coated
with　mutton　suet　and　asafetida　and　then　taken　into　a　warm　room。
He　attracted　attention　which　he　did　not　court　and　which　was
distasteful　to　him。　　Keeping　quiet　did　not　seem　to　help　him　any。
Even　if　they　had　been　blindfolded　others　would　still　have　felt　his
presence。　　A　civit…cat　suffers　from　the　same　drawbacks　in　a　social
way；　but　the　advantage　to　the　civit…cat　is　that　as　a　general　thing
it　associates　only　with　other　civit…cats。

Except　in　the　country　the　old…time；　catch…as…catch…can　general
practitioner　appears　to　be　dying　out。　　In　the　city　one　finds　him
occasionally；　playing　a　limit　game　in　an　office　on　a　back　street
two　dollars　to　come　in；　five　to　call；　but　the　tendency　of　the　day
is　toward　specialists。　　Hence　the　expert　who　treats　you　for　just
one　particular　thing　With　a　pain　in　your　chest；　say；　you　go　to　a
chest　specialist。　　So　long　as　he　can　keep　the　trouble　confined　to
your　chest；　all　well　and　good。　　If　it　slips　down　or　slides　up　he
tries　to　coax　it　back　to　the　reservation。　　lf　it　refuses　to　do　so；
he　bids　it　an　affectionate　adieu；　makes　a　dotted　mark　on　you　to
show　where　he　left　off；　collects　his　bill　and　regretfully　turns
you　over　to　a　stomach　specialist　or　a　throat　specialist；　depending
on　the　direction　in　which　the　trouble　was　headed　when　last　seen。

Or；　perhaps　the　specialist　to　whom　you　take　your　custom　is　an
advocate　of　an　immediate　operation　for　such　cases　as　yours　and
all　others。　　I　may　be　unduly　sensitive　on　account　of　having　recently
emerged　from　the　surgeon's　hands；　but　it　strikes　me　now　that　there
are　an　awful　lot　of　doctors　who　take　one　brief　glance　at　a　person
who　is　complaining；　and　say　to　themselves　that　here　is　something
that　ought　to　be　looked　into　right　awayand　immediately　open　a
bag　and　start　picking　out　the　proper　utensils。　　You　go　into　a
doctor's　office　and　tell　him　you　do　not　feel　the　best　in　the　world
and　he　gives　you　a　look　and　excuses　himself；　and　steps　into　the
next　room　and　begins　greasing　a　saw。

Mind　you；　in　these　casual　observations　as　compiled　by　me　while
bedfast　and　here　given　utterance；　I　am　not　seeking　to　disparage
possibly　the　noblest　of　professions。　　Lately　I　have　owed　much　to
it。　　I　am　strictly　on　the　doctor's　side。　　He　is　with　us　when　we
come　into　the　world　and　with　us　when　we　go　out　of　it；　oftentimes
lending　a　helping　hand　on　both　occasions。　　Anyway；　our　sympathies
should　especially　go　out　to　the　medical　profession　at　this　particular
time　when　the　anti…vivisectionists　are　railing　so　loudly　against
the　doctors。　　The　anti…vivisection　crusade　has　enlisted　widely
different　classes　in　the　community；　including　many　lovers　of　our
dumb…animal　petsand　aren't　some　of　them　the　dumbest　things　you
ever　saw！especially　chow　dogs　and　love　birds。

I　will　admit　there　is　something　to　be　said　on　both　sides　of　the
argument。　　This　dissecting　of　live　subjects　may　have　been　carried
to　extremes　on　occasions。　　When　I　read　in　the　medical　journals
that　the　eminent　Doctor　Somebody　succeeded　in　transferring　the
interior　department　of　a　pelican　to　a　pointer　pup；　and　vice　versa
with　such　success　that　the　pup　drowned　while　diving　for　minnows；
and　the　pelican　went　out　in　the　back　yard　and　barked　himself　to
death　baying　at　the　moon；　I　am　interested　naturally；　but；　possibly
because　of　my　ignorance；　I　fail　to　see　wherein　the　treatment　of
infantile　paralysis　has　been　materially　advanced。　　On　the　other
hand　I　would　rather　the　kind　and　gentle　Belgian　hare　should　be
offered　up　as　a　sacrifice　upon　the　operating　table　and　leave　behind
him　a　large　family　of　little　Belgian　heirs　and　heiressesdependent
upon　the　charity　of　a　cruel　worldthan　that　I　should　have　something
painful　which　can　be　avoided　through　making　him　a　martyr。　　I　would
rather　any　white　rabbit　on　earth　should　have　the　Asiatic　cholera
twice　than　that　I　should　have　it　just　once。　　These　are　my　sincere
convictions；　and　I　will　not　attempt　to　disguise　them。

Thanks　too；　to　medical　science　we　know　about　germs　and　serums　and
diets　and　all　that。　　Our　less　fortunate　ancestors　didn't　know　about
them。　　They　were　befogged　in　ignorance。　　As　recently　as　the　generation
immediately　preceding　ours　people　were　unacquainted　with　the　simplest
rules　of　hygiene。　　They　didn't　care　whether　the　housefly　wiped　his
feet　before　he　came　into　the　house　or　not。　　The　gentleman　with　the
drooping；　cream…separator　mustache　was　at　perfect　liberty　to　use
the　common　drinking　cup　on　the　railroad　train。　　The　appendix　lurked
in　its　snug　retreat；　undisturbed　by　the　prying　fingers　of　curiosity。
The　fever…bearing　skeeter　buzzed　and　flitted；　stinging　where　he
pleased。　　The　germ　theory　was　unfathomed。　　Suitable　food　for　an
invalid　was　anything　the　invalid　could　afford　to　buy。　　Fresh　air；
and　more　especially　fresh　night　air；　was　regarded　as　dangerous；
and　people　hermetically　sealed　themselves　in　before　retiring。　　Not
daily　as　at　present　was　the　world　gladdened　by　the　tidings　that
science　had　unearthed　some　new　and　particularly　unpleasant　disease。
It　never　occurred　to　a　mother　that　she　should　sterilize　the　slipper
before　spanking　her　offspring。　　Babies　were　not　reared　antiseptically；
but　just　so。　　Nobody　was　aware　of　microbes。

In　short；　our　sires　and　our　grandsires　abode　in　the　midst　of　perils。
They　were　surrounded　on　all　sides　by　things　that　are　immediately
fatal　to　the　human　system。　　Not　a　single　one　of　them　had　a　right
to　pass　his　second　birthday。　　In　the　light　of　what　we　know；　we
realize　that　by　now　this　world　should　be　but　a　barren　waste　dotted
at　frequent　intervals　with　large　graveyards　and　populated　only　by
a　few　dispossessed　and　hungry　bacteria；　hanging　over　the　cemetery
fence　singing：　Driven　From　Home！

In　the　conditions　generally　prevalent　up　to　twenty…five　years　ago；
most　of　us　never　had　any　license；　really；　to　be　born　at　all。　　Yet
look　how　many　of　us　are　now　here。　　In　this　age　of　research　I
hesitate　to　attempt　to　account　for　it；　except　on　the　entirely
unscientific　theory　that　what　you　don't　know　doesn't　hurt　you。
Doubtless　a　physician　could　give　you　a　better　explanation；　but
his　would　cost　you　more　than　mine　has。

But　we　digress。　　Let　us　get　back　to　our　main　subject；　which　is
myself。　　I　shall　never　forget　my　first　real　meal　in　that　hospital。
There　was　quite　a　good　deal　of　talk　about　it　beforehand。　　My　nurse
kept　telling　me　that　on　the　next　day　the　doctor　had　promised　I
might　have　something　to　eat。　　I　could　hardly　wait。　　I　had　visions
of　a　tenderloin　steak　smothered　in　fried　onions；　and　some　French…fried
potatoes；　and　a　tall　table…limit　stack　of　wheat　cakes；　and　a　few
other　incidental　comfits　and　kickshaws。　　I　could　hardly　wait　for
that　meal。

The　next　day　came　and　she　brought　it　to　me；　and　I　partook　thereof。
It　was　the　white　of　an　egg。　　For　dessert　I　licked　a　stamp；　but
this　I　did　clandestinely　and　by　stealth；　without　saying　anything
about　it　to　her。　　I　was　not　supposed　to　have　any　sweets。

On　the　occasion　of　the　next　feast　the　diet　was　varied。　　I　had　a
sip　of　one　of　those　fermented　milk　products。　　You　probably　know
the　sort　of　thing　I　mean。　　Even　before　you've　swallowed　it；　it
tastes　as　though　it　had　already　disagreed　with　you。　　The　nurse
said　this　food　was　predigested　but　did　not　tell　me　by　whom。　　Nor
did　I　ask　her。　　I　started　to；　but　thought　better　of　it。　　Sometimes
one　is　all　the　happier　for　not　knowing　too　much。

A　little　later　on；　seeing　that　I　had　not　suffered　an　attack　of
indigestion　from　this　debauch；　they　gave　me　junket。　　In　the
dictionary　I　have　looked　up　the　definitions　of　junket。　　I　quote：

　　JUNKET；　v。　I。　t。　　To　entertain　by　feasting；　regale。　　II。　i。　　To
　　give　or　take　part　in　an　entertainment　or　excursion；　feast　in
　　company；　picnic；　revel。

　　JUNKET；　n。　　A　merry　feast　or　excursion；　picnic。

When　the　author　of　a　dictionary　tries　to　be　frivolous　he　only
succeeds　in　making　himself　appear　foolish。

I　know　not　how　it　may　be　in　the　world　at　large；　but　in　a　hospital；
junket　is　a　custard　that　by　some　subtle　process　has　been　denuded
of　those　ingredients　which　make　a　custard　fascinating　and　exciting。
It　tastes　as　though　the　eggs；　which　form　its　underlying　basis；　had
been　laid　in　a　fit　of　pique　by　a　hen　that　was　severely　upset　at
the　time。

Hereafter　when　the　junket　is　passed　round　somebody　else　may　have
my　share。　　I'll　stick　to　the　mince　pie　a　la　mode。　　And　the　first
cigar　of　my　convalescenceah；　that；　too；　abides　as　a　vivid
memory！　Dropping　in　one　morning　to　replace　the　wrappin