speaking of operations-第4节

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I　did　not　want　to　go　to　bedit　was　not　my　regular　bedtimebut
he　made　a　point　of　it；　and　I　judged　it　was　according　to　regulations；
so　I　undressed　and　put　on　my　night　clothes　and　crawled　in。　　He
left　me；　taking　my　other　clothes　and　my　shoes　with　him；　but　I
was　not　allowed　to　get　lonely。

A　little　later　a　ward　surgeon　appeared；　to　put　a　few　inquiries　of
a　pointed　and　personal　nature。　　He　particularly　desired　to　know
what　my　trouble　was。　　I　explained　to　him　that　I　couldn't　tell　him
he　would　have　to　see　Doctor　X　or　Doctor　Z；　they　probably　knew；
but　were　keeping　it　a　secret　between　themselves。

The　answer　apparently　satisfied　him；　because　immediately　after
that　he　made　me　sign　a　paper　in　which　I　assumed　all　responsibility
for　what　was　to　take　place　the　next　morning。

This　did　not　seem　exactly　fair。　　As　I　pointed　out　to　him；　it　was
the　surgeon's　affair；　not　mine；　and　if　the　surgeon　made　a　mistake
the　joke　would　be　on　him　and　not　on　me；　because　in　that　case　I
would　not　be　here　anyhow。　　But　I　signed；　as　requested；　on　the
dotted　line；　and　he　departed。

After　that；　at　intervals；　the　chief　house　surgeon　dropped　in；
without　knocking；　and　the　head　nurse　came；　and　an　interne　or　so；
and　a　ward　nurse；　and　the　special　nurse　who　was　to　have　direct
charge　of　me。　　It　dawned　on　me　that　I　was　not　having　any　more
privacy　in　that　hospital　than　a　goldfish。

About　eleven　o'clock　an　orderly　came；　and；　without　consulting　my
wishes　in　the　matter；　he　undressed　me　until　I　could　have　passed
almost　anywhere　for　September　Morn's　father；　and　gave　me　a　clean
shave；　twice　over；　on　one　of　my　most　prominent　plane　surfaces。　　I
must　confess　I　enjoyed　that　part　of　it。　　So　far　as　I　am　able　to
recall；　it　was　the　only　shave　I　have　ever　had　where　the　operator
did　not　spray　me　with　cheap　perfumery　afterward　and　then　try　to
sell　me　a　bottle　of　hair　tonic。

Having　shaved　me；　the　young　man　did　me　up　amidships　in　a　neat
cloth　parcel；　took　his　kit　under　his　arm　and　went　away。

It　occurred　to　me　that；　considering　the　trivial　nature　of　the　case；
a　good　deal　of　fuss　was　being　made　over　me　by　persons　who　could
have　no　personal　concern　in　the　matter　whatsoever。　　This　thought
recurred　to　me　frequently　as　I　lay　there　all　tied　in　a　bundle　like
a　week's　washing。　　I　did　not　feel　quite　so　uppish　as　I　had　felt。
Why　was　everybody　picking　on　me？

Anon　I　slept；　but　dreamed　fitfully。　　I　dreamed　that　a　whole　flock
of　surgeons　came　to　my　bedside　and　charted　me　out　in　sections；
like　one　of　those　diagram　pictures　you　see　of　a　beef　in　the　Handy
Compendium　of　Universal　Knowledge；　showing　the　various　cuts　and
the　butcher's　pet　name　for　each　cut。　　Each　man　took　his　favorite
joint　and　carried　it　away；　and　when　they　were　all　gone　I　was　merely
a　recent　site；　full　of　reverberating　echoes　and　nothing　else。

I　have　had　happier　dreams　in　my　time；　this　was　not　the　kind　of
dream　I　should　have　selected　had　the　choice　been　left　to　me。

When　I　woke　the　young　sun　was　shining　in　at　the　window；　and　an
orderlynot　the　orderly　who　had　shaved　me；　but　another　onewas
there　in　my　room　and　my　nurse　was　waiting　outside　the　door。　　The
orderly　dressed　me　in　a　quaint　suit　of　pyjamas　cut　on　the　half
shell　and　buttoning　stylishly　in　the　back；　princesse　mode。　　Then
he　rolled　in　a　flat　litter　on　wheels　and　stretched　me　on　it；　and
covered　me　up　with　a　white　tablecloth；　just　as　though　I　had　been
cold　Sunday…night　supper；　and　we　started　for　the　operating…room
at　the　top　of　the　building；　but　before　we　started　I　lit　a　large
black　cigar；　as　Gen。　U。　S。　Grant　used　to　do　when　he　went　into
battle。　　I　wished　by　this　to　show　how　indifferent　I　was。　　Maybe
he　fooled　somebody；　but　I　do　not　believe　I　possess　the　same　powers
of　simulation　that　Grant　had。　　He　must　have　been　a　very　remarkable
manGrant　must。

The　orderly　and　the　nurse　trundled　me　out　into　the　hall　and　loaded
me　into　an　elevator；　which　was　to　carry　us　up　to　the　top　of　the
hospital。　　Several　other　nurses　were　already　in　the　elevator。　　As
we　came　aboard　one　of　them　remarked　that　it　was　a　fine　day。　　A
fine　day　for　what？　　She　did　not　finish　the　sentence。

Everybody　wore　a　serious　look。　　Inside　of　myself　I　felt　pretty
serious　tooserious　enough　for　ten　or　twelve。　　I　had　meant　to
fling　off　several　very　bright；　spontaneous　quips　on　the　way　to
the　table。　　I　thought　them　out　in　advance；　but　now；　somehow；　none
of　them　seemed　appropriate。　　Instinctively；　as　it　were；　I　felt
that　humor　was　out　of　place　here。

I　never　knew　an　elevator　to　progress　from　the　third　floor　of　a
building　to　the　ninth　with　such　celerity　as　this　one　on　which　we
were　traveling　progressed。　　Personally　I　was　in　no　mood　for　haste。
If　there　was　anyone　else　in　all　that　great　hospital　who　was　in　a
particular　hurry　to　be　operated　on　I　was　perfectly　willing　to　wait。
But　alas；　no！　　The　mechanism　of　the　elevator　was　in　perfect　order
entirely　too　perfect。　　No　accident　of　any　character　whatsoever
befell　us　en　route；　no　dropping　back　into　the　basement　with　a　low；
grateful　thud；　no　hitch；　no　delay　of　any　kind。　　We　were　certainly
out　of　luck　that　trip。　　The　demon　of　a　joyrider　who　operated　the
accursed　device　jerked　a　lever　and　up　we　soared　at　a　distressingly
high　rate　of　speed。　　If　I　could　have　had　my　way　about　that　youth
he　would　have　been　arrested　for　speeding。

Now　we　were　there！　They　rolled　into　a　large　room；　all　white；　with
a　rounded　ceiling　like　the　inside　of　an　egg。　　Right　away　I　knew
what　the　feelings　of　a　poor；　lonely　little　yolk　are　when　the　spoon
begins　to　chip　the　shell。　　If　I　had　not　been　so　busy　feeling　sorry
for　myself　I　think　I　might　have　developed　quite　an　active　sympathy
for　yolks。

My　impression　had　been　that　this　was　to　be　in　the　nature　of　a
private　affair；　without　invitations。　　I　was　astonished　to　note
that　quite　a　crowd　had　assembled　for　the　opening　exercises。　　From
his　attire　and　general　deportment　I　judged　that　Doctor　Z　was　going
to　be　the　master　of　the　revels；　he　being　attired　appropriately　in
a　white　domino；　with　rubber　gloves　and　a　fancy　cap　of　crash　toweling。
There　were　present；　also；　my　diagnostic　friend；　Doctor　X；　likewise
in　fancy…dress　costume；　and　a　surgeon　I　had　never　met。　　From　what
I　could　gather　he　was　going　over　the　course　behind　Doctor　Z　to
replace　the　divots。

And　there　was　an　interne　in　the　background；　playing　caddy；　as　it
were；　and　a　head　nurse；　who　was　going　to　keep　the　score；　and　two
other　nurses；　who　were　going　to　help　her　keep　it。　　I　only　hoped
that　they　would　show　no　partiality；　but　be　as　fair　to　me　as　they
were　to　Doctor　Z；　and　that　he　would　go　round　in　par。

So　they　placed　me　right　where　my　eyes　might　rest　on　a　large　wall
cabinet　full　of　very　shiny…looking　tools；　and　they　took　my　cigar
away　from　me　and　folded　my　hands　on　the　wide　bowknot　of　my　sash。
Then　they　put　a　cloth　dingus　over　my　face　and　a　voice　of　authority
told　me　to　breathe。　　That　advice；　however；　was　superfluous　and
might　just　as　well　have　been　omitted；　for　such　was　my　purpose
anyhow。　　Ever　since　I　can　recall　anything　at　all；　breathing　has
been　a　regular　habit　with　me。　　So　I　breathed。　　And；　at　that；　a
bottle　of　highly　charged　sarsaparilla　exploded　somewhere　in　the
immediate　vicinity　and　most　of　its　contents　went　up　my　nose。

I　started　to　tell　them　that　somebody　had　been　fooling　with　their
ether　and　adulterating　it；　and　that　if　they　thought　they　could
send　me　off　to　sleep　with　soda　pop　they　were　making　the　mistake
of　their　lives；　because　it　just　naturally　could　not　be　done；　but
for　some　reason　or　other　I　decided　to　put　off　speaking　about　the
matter　for　a　few　minutes。　　I　breathed　againagainagai

I　was　going　away　from　there。　　I　was　in　a　large　gas　balloon；　soaring
up　into　the　clouds。　　How　pleasant！　。。。　No；　by　Jove！　I　was　not　in
a　balloonI　myself　was　the　balloon；　which　was　not　quite　so　pleasant。
Besides；　Doctor　Z　was　going　along　as　a　passenger；　and　as　we　traveled
up　and　up　he　kept　jabbing　me　in　the　midriff　with　the　ferrule　of　a
large　umbrella　which　he　had　brought　along　with　him　in　case　of　rain。
He　jabbed　me　harder　and　harder。　　I　remonstrated　with　him。　　I　told
him　I　was　a　bit　tender　in　that　locality　and　the　ferrule　of　his
umbrella　was　sharp。　　He　would　not　listen。　　He　kept　on　jabbing　me。

Something　broke！　We　started　back　down　to　earth。　　We　fell　faster
and　faster。　　We　fell　nine　miles；　and　after　that　I　began　to　get
used　to　it。　　Then　I　saw　the　earth　beneath　and　it　was　rising　up　to
meet　us。

A　town　was　belowa　town　that　grew　larger　and　larger　as　we　neared
it。　　I　could　make　out　the　bonded　indebtedness；　and　the　Carnegie
Library；　and　the　moving…picture　palaces；　and　the　new　dancing　parlor；
and　other　principal　points　of　interest。

At　the　rate　we　were　falling　we　were　certainly　going　to　make　an
awful　splatter　in　that　town　when　we　hit。　　I　was　sorry　for　the
street…cleaning　department。

We　fell　another　half　mile　or　so。　　A　spire　was　sticking　up　into　the
sky　directly　beneath　us；　like　a　spear；　to　impale　us。　　By　a　supreme
effort　I　twisted　out　of　the　way　of　that　spire；　only　to　strike
squarely　on　top　of　the　roof　of　a　greenhouse　back　of　the　parsonage；
next　door。　　We　crashed　through　it　with　a　perfectly　terrific　clatter
of　breaking　glass　and　landed　in　a　bed　of　white　flowers；　all　soft
and　downy；　like　feather