the country doctor-第44节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


　as　ridiculous？　The　great　city；　in　fact；　seems　to　have　set　herself　to　give　encouragement　to　vice　and　to　this　alone；　for　a　young　man　finds　that　the　entrance　to　every　honorable　career　in　which　he　might　look　for　success　is　barred　by　hindrances　even　more　numerous　than　the　snares　that　are　continually　set　for　him；　so　that　through　his　weaknesses　he　may　be　robbed　of　his　money。

〃For　a　long　while　I　went　every　evening　to　some　theatre；　and　little　by　little　I　fell　into　idle　ways。　I　grew　more　and　more　slack　over　my　work；　even　my　most　pressing　tasks　were　apt　to　be　put　off　till　the　morrow；　and　before　very　long　there　was　an　end　of　my　search　after　knowledge　for　its　own　sake；　I　did　nothing　more　than　the　work　which　was　absolutely　required　to　enable　me　to　get　through　the　examinations　that　must　be　passed　before　I　could　become　a　doctor。　I　attended　the　public　lectures；　but　I　no　longer　paid　any　attention　to　the　professors；　who；　in　my　opinion；　were　a　set　of　dotards。　I　had　already　broken　my　idolsI　became　a　Parisian。

〃To　be　brief；　I　led　the　aimless　drifting　life　of　a　young；　provincial　thrown　into　the　heart　of　a　great　city；　still　retaining　some　good　and　true　feeling；　still　clinging　more　or　less　to　the　observance　of　certain　rules　of　conduct；　still　fighting　in　vain　against　the　debasing　influence　of　evil　examples；　though　I　offered　but　a　feeble；　half…　hearted　resistance；　for　the　enemy　had　accomplices　within　me。　Yes；　sir；　my　face　is　not　misleading；　past　storms　have　plainly　left　their　traces　there。　Yet；　since　I　had　drunk　so　deeply　of　the　pure　fountain　of　religion　in　my　early　youth；　I　was　haunted　in　the　depths　of　my　soul；

through　all　my　wanderings；　by　an　ideal　of　moral　perfection　which　could　not　fail　one　day　to　bring　me　back　to　God　by　the　paths　of　weariness　and　remorse。　Is　not　he　who　feels　the　pleasures　of　earth　most　keenly；　sure　to　be　attracted；　soon　or　late；　by　the　fruits　of　heaven？

〃At　first　I　went　through　the　experience；　more　or　less　vivid；　that　always　comes　with　youththe　countless　moments　of　exultation；　the　unnumbered　transports　of　despair。　Sometimes　I　took　my　vehement　energy　of　feeling　for　a　resolute　will；　and　over…estimated　my　powers；　sometimes；　at　the　mere　sight　of　some　trifling　obstacle　with　which　I　was　about　to　come　into　collision；　I　was　far　more　cast　down　than　I　ought　to　have　been。　Then　I　would　devise　vast　plans；　would　dream　of　glory；　and　betake　myself　to　work；　but　a　pleasure　party　would　divert　me　from　the　noble　projects　based　on　so　infirm　a　purpose。　Vague　recollections　of　these　great　abortive　schemes　of　mine　left　a　deceptive　glow　in　my　soul　and　fostered　my　belief　in　myself；　without　giving　me　the　energy　to　produce。　In　my　indolent　self…sufficiency　I　was　in　a　very　fair　way　to　become　a　fool；　for　what　is　a　fool　but　a　man　who　fails　to　justify　the　excellent　opinion　which　he　has　formed　of　himself？　My　energy　was　directed　towards　no　definite　aims；　I　wished　for　the　flowers　of　life　without　the　toil　of　cultivating　them。　I　had　no　idea　of　the　obstacles；　so　I　imagined　that　everything　was　easy；　luck；　I　thought；　accounted　for　success　in　science　and　in　business；　and　genius　was　charlatanism。　I　took　it　for　granted　that　I　should　be　a　great　man；　because　there　was　the　power　of　becoming　one　within　me；　so　I　discounted　all　my　future　glory；　without　giving　a　thought　to　the　patience　required　for　the　conception　of　a　great　work；　nor　of　the　execution；　in　the　course　of　which　all　the　difficulties　of　the　task　appear。

〃The　sources　of　my　amusements　were　soon　exhausted。　The　charm　of　the　theatre　does　not　last　for　very　long；　and；　for　a　poor　student；　Paris　shortly　became　an　empty　wilderness。　They　were　dull　and　uninteresting　people　that　I　met　with　in　the　circle　of　the　family　with　whom　I　lived；　but　these；　and　an　old　man　who　had　now　lost　touch　with　the　world；　were　all　the　society　that　I　had。

〃So；　like　every　young　man　who　takes　a　dislike　to　the　career　marked　out　for　him；　I　rambled　about　the　streets　for　whole　days　together；　I　strolled　along　the　quays；　through　the　museums　and　public　gardens；　making　no　attempt　to　arrive　at　a　clear　understanding　of　my　position；　and　without　a　single　definite　idea　in　my　head。　The　burden　of　unemployed　energies　is　more　felt　at　that　age　than　at　any　other；　there　is　such　an　abundance　of　vitality　running　to　waste；　so　much　activity　without　result。　I　had　no　idea　of　the　power　that　a　resolute　will　puts　into　the　hands　of　a　man　in　his　youth；　for　when　he　has　ideas　and　puts　his　whole　heart　and　soul　into　the　work　of　carrying　them　out；　his　strength　is　yet　further　increased　by　the　undaunted　courage　of　youthful　convictions。

〃Childhood　in　its　simplicity　knows　nothing　of　the　perils　of　life；　youth　sees　both　its　vastness　and　its　difficulties；　and　at　the　prospect　the　courage　of　youth　sometimes　flags。　We　are　still　serving　our　apprenticeship　to　life；　we　are　new　to　the　business；　a　kind　of　faint…　heartedness　overpowers　us；　and　leaves　us　in　an　almost　dazed　condition　of　mind。　We　feel　that　we　are　helpless　aliens　in　a　strange　country。　At　all　ages　we　shrink　back　involuntarily　from　the　unknown。　And　a　young　man　is　very　much　like　the　soldier　who　will　walk　up　to　the　cannon's　mouth；　and　is　put　to　flight　by　a　ghost。　He　hesitates　among　the　maxims　of　the　world。　The　rules　of　attack　and　of　self…defence　are　alike　unknown　to　him；　he　can　neither　give　nor　take；　he　is　attracted　by　women；　and　stands　in　awe　of　them；　his　very　good　qualities　tell　against　him；　he　is　all　generosity　and　modesty；　and　completely　innocent　of　mercenary　designs。　Pleasure　and　not　interest　is　his　object　when　he　tells　a　lie；　and　among　many　dubious　courses；　the　conscience；　with　which　as　yet　he　has　not　juggled；　points　out　to　him　the　right　way；　which　he　is　slow　to　take。

〃There　are　men　whose　lives　are　destined　to　be　shaped　by　the　impulses　of　their　hearts；　rather　than　by　any　reasoning　process　that　takes　place　in　their　heads；　and　such　natures　as　these　will　remain　for　a　long　while　in　the　position　that　I　have　described。　This　was　my　own　case。　I　became　the　plaything　of　two　contending　impulses；　the　desires　of　youth　were　always　held　in　check　by　a　faint…hearted　sentimentality。　Life　in　Paris　is　a　cruel　ordeal　for　impressionable　natures；　the　great　inequalities　of　fortune　or　of　position　inflame　their　souls　and　stir　up　bitter　feelings。　In　that　world　of　magnificence　and　pettiness　envy　is　more　apt　to　be　a　dagger　than　a　spur。　You　are　bound　either　to　fall　a　victim　or　to　become　a　partisan　in　this　incessant　strife　of　ambitions；　desires；　and　hatreds；　in　the　midst　of　which　you　are　placed；　and　by　slow　degrees　the　picture　of　vice　triumphant　and　virtue　made　ridiculous　produces　its　effect　on　a　young　man；　and　he　wavers；　life　in　Paris　soon　rubs　the　bloom　from　conscience；　the　infernal　work　of　demoralization　has　begun；　and　is　soon　accomplished。　The　first　of　pleasures；　that　which　at　the　outset　comprehends　all　the　others；　is　set　about　with　such　perils　that　it　is　impossible　not　to　reflect　upon　the　least　actions　which　it　provokes；　impossible　not　to　calculate　all　its　consequences。　These　calculations　lead　to　selfishness。　If　some　poor　student；　carried　away　by　an　impassioned　enthusiasm；　is　fain　to　rise　above　selfish　considerations；　the　suspicious　attitude　of　those　about　him　makes　him　pause　and　doubt；　it　is　so　hard　not　to　share　their　mistrust；　so　difficult　not　to　be　on　his　guard　against　his　own　generous　thoughts。　His　heart　is　seared　and　contracted　by　this　struggle；　the　current　of　life　sets　toward　the　brain；　and　the　callousness　of　the　Parisian　is　the　resultthe　condition　of　things　in　which　schemes　for　power　and　wealth　are　concealed　by　the　most　charming　frivolity；　and　lurk　beneath　the　sentimental　transports　that　take　the　place　of　enthusiasm。　The　simplest…natured　woman　in　Paris　always　keeps　a　clear　head　even　in　the　intoxication　of　happiness。

〃This　atmosphere　was　bound　to　affect　my　opinions　and　my　conduct。　The　errors　that　have　poisoned　my　life　would　have　lain　lightly　on　many　a　conscience；　but　we　in　the　South　have　a　religious　faith　that　leads　us　to　believe　in　a　future　life；　and　in　the　truths　set　forth　by　the　Catholic　Church。　These　beliefs　give　depth　and　gravity　to　every　feeling；　and　to　remorse　a　terrible　and　lasting　power。

〃The　army　were　masters　of　society　at　the　time　when　I　was　studying　medicine。　In　order　to　shine　in　women's　eyes；　one　had　to　be　a　colonel　at　the　very　least。　A　poor　student　counted　for　absolutely　nothing。　Goaded　by　the　strength　of　my　desires；　and　finding　no　outlet　for　them；　hampered　at　every　step　and　in　every　wish　by　the　want　of　money；　looking　on　study　and　fame　as　too　slow　a　means　of　arriving　at　the　pleasures　that　tempted　me；　drawn　one　way　by　my　inward　scruples；　and　another　by　evil　examples；　meeting　with　every　facility　for　low　dissipation；　and　finding　nothing　but　hindrances　barring　the　way　to　good　society；　I　passed　my　days　in　wretchedness；　overwhelmed　by　a　surging　tumult　of　desires；　and　by　indolence　of　the　most　deadly　kind；　utterly　cast　down　at　times；　only　to　be　as　suddenly　elated。

〃The　catastrophe　which　at　length　put　an　end　to　this　crisis　was　commonplace　enough。　The　thought　of　troubling　the　peace　of　a　household　has　always　been　repugnant　to　me；　and　not　only　so；　I　could　not　dissemble　my　feelings；　the　instinct　of　sincerity　was　too　strong　in　me；　I　should　have　found　it　a　physical　impossibility　to　lead　a　life　of　glaring　falsity。　There　is　for　me　but　little　attrac