agnes grey(艾格尼丝·格累)-第45节
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read it and delivered it to her； and then went into the schoolroom to attend
to the pupils： but amidst the cares of copies and sums … in the intervals of
correcting errors here； and reproving derelictions of duty there； I was
inwardly taking myself to task with far sterner severity。 'What a fool you
must be；' said my head to my heart； or my sterner to my softer self； … 'how
could you ever dream that he would write to you？ What grounds have
you for such a hope … or that he will see you； or give himself any trouble
about you … or even think of you again？' 'What grounds？' … and then
Hope set before me that last； short interview； and repeated the words I had
so faithfully treasured in my memory。 'Well； and what was there in that？
… Who ever hung his hopes upon so frail a twig？ What was there in those
words that any common acquaintance might not say to another？ Of
course； it was possible you might meet again： he might have said so if
you had been going to New Zealand； but that did not imply any
INTENTION of seeing you … and then； as to the question that followed；
anyone might ask that： and how did you answer？ … Merely with a stupid；
commonplace reply； such as you would have given to Master Murray； or
anyone else you had been on tolerably civil terms with。' 'But； then；'
persisted Hope； 'the tone and manner in which he spoke。' 'Oh； that is
nonsense！ he always speaks impressively； and at that moment there were
the Greens and Miss Matilda Murray just before； and other people passing
by； and he was obliged to stand close beside you； and to speak very low；
unless he wished everybody to hear what he said； which … though it was
nothing at all particular … of course； he would rather not。' But then； above
all； that emphatic； yet gentle pressure of the hand； which seemed to say；
'TRUST me；' and many other things besides … too delightful； almost too
flattering； to be repeated even to one's self。 'Egregious folly … too absurd
to require contradiction … mere inventions of the imagination； which you
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ought to be ashamed of。 If you would but consider your own unattractive
exterior； your unamiable reserve； your foolish diffidence … which must
make you appear cold； dull； awkward； and perhaps ill…tempered too； … if
you had but rightly considered these from the beginning； you would never
have harboured such presumptuous thoughts： and now that you have
been so foolish； pray repent and amend； and let us have no more of it！'
I cannot say that I implicitly obeyed my own injunctions： but such
reasoning as this became more and more effective as time wore on； and
nothing was seen or heard of Mr。 Weston； until； at last； I gave up hoping；
for even my heart acknowledged it was all in vain。 But still； I would
think of him： I would cherish his image in my mind； and treasure every
word； look； and gesture that my memory could retain； and brood over his
excellences and his peculiarities； and； in fact； all I had seen； heard； or
imagined respecting him。
'Agnes； this sea air and change of scene do you no good； I think： I
never saw you look so wretched。 It must be that you sit too much； and
allow the cares of the schoolroom to worry you。 You must learn to take
things easy； and to be more active and cheerful； you must take exercise
whenever you can get it； and leave the most tiresome duties to me： they
will only serve to exercise my patience； and； perhaps； try my temper a
little。'
So said my mother； as we sat at work one morning during the Easter
holidays。 I assured her that my employments were not at all oppressive；
that I was well； or； if there was anything amiss； it would be gone as soon
as the trying months of spring were over： when summer came I should be
as strong and hearty as she could wish to see me： but inwardly her
observation startled me。 I knew my strength was declining； my appetite
had failed； and I was grown listless and desponding； … and if； indeed； he
could never care for me； and I could never see him more … if I was
forbidden to minister to his happiness … forbidden； for ever； to taste the
joys of love； to bless； and to be blessed … then； life must be a burden； and if
my heavenly Father would call me away； I should be glad to rest。 But it
would not do to die and leave my mother。 Selfish； unworthy daughter； to
forget her for a moment！ Was not her happiness committed in a great
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measure to my charge？ … and the welfare of our young pupils too？
Should I shrink from the work that God had set before me； because it was
not fitted to my taste？ Did not He know best what I should do； and
where I ought to labour？ … and should I long to quit His service before I
had finished my task； and expect to enter into His rest without having
laboured to earn it？ 'No； by His help I will arise and address myself
diligently to my appointed duty。 If happiness in this world is not for me；
I will endeavour to promote the welfare of those around me； and my
reward shall be hereafter。' So said I in my heart； and from that hour I
only permitted my thoughts to wander to Edward Weston … or at least to
dwell upon him now and then … as a treat for rare occasions： and；
whether it was really the approach of summer or the effect of these good
resolutions； or the lapse of time； or all together； tranquillity of mind was
soon restored； and bodily health and vigour began likewise； slowly； but
surely； to return。
Early in June； I received a letter from Lady Ashby； late Miss Murray。
She had written to me twice or thrice before； from the different stages of
her bridal tour； always in good spirits； and professing to be very happy。 I
wondered every time that she had not forgotten me； in the midst of so
much gaiety and variety of scene。 At length； however； there was a pause；
and it seemed she had forgotten me； for upwards of seven months passed
away and no letter。 Of course； I did not break my heart about THAT；
though I often wondered how she was getting on； and when this last
epistle so unexpectedly arrived； I was glad enough to receive it。 It was
dated from Ashby Park； where she was come to settle down at last； having
previously divided her time between the continent and the metropolis。
She made many apologies for having neglected me so long； assured me
she had not forgotten me； and had often intended to write； &c。 &c。； but
had always been prevented by something。 She acknowledged that she
had been leading a very dissipated life； and I should think her very wicked
and very thoughtless； but； notwithstanding that； she thought a great deal；
and； among other things； that she should vastly like to see me。 'We have
been several days here already；' wrote she。 'We have not a single friend
with us； and are likely to be very dull。 You know I never had a fancy for
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living with my husband like two turtles in a nest； were he the most
delightful creature that ever wore a coat； so do take pity upon me and
come。 I suppose your Midsummer holidays commence in June； the same
as other people's； therefore you cannot plead want of time； and you must
and shall come … in fact； I shall die if you don't。 I want you to visit me as
a friend； and stay a long time。 There is nobody with me； as I told you
before； but Sir Thomas and old Lady Ashby： but you needn't mind them
… they'll trouble us but little
