if.thespywholovedme-第6节

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　Tremulously　I　considered　this。　Perhaps　there　was　something　in　it。　It　would　be　a　kind　of　seal　on　our　love。　But　I　was　frightened。　Hesitantly　I　said　had　he　got　one　of　these　〃things〃？　He　said　no；　but　there　was　an　all…night　chemist　and　he　would　go　and　buy　one。　And　he　kissed　me　and　got　up　eagerly　and　walked　out　of　the　box。
　I　sat　and　stared　dully　at　the　screen。　Now　I　couldn't　refuse　him！　He　would　e　back；　and　it　would　be　messy　and　horrible　in　this　filthy　little　box　in　this　filthy　little　back…street　cinema；　and　it　was　going　to　hurt　and　he　would　despise　me　afterward　for　giving　in。　I　had　an　instinct　to　get　up　and　run　out　and　down　to　the　station　and　take　the　next　train　back　to　London。　But　that　would　make　him　furious。　It　would　hurt　his　vanity。　I　wouldn't　be　being　〃a　sport；〃　and　the　rhythm　of　our　friendship；　so　much　based　on　us　both　〃having　fun；〃　would　be　wrecked。　And；　after　all；　was　it　fair　on　him　to　hold　this　back　from　him？　Perhaps　it　really　was　bad　for　him　not　to　be　able　to　do　it　properly。　And；　after　all；　it　had　to　happen　some　time。　One　couldn't　choose　the　perfect　moment　for　that　particular　thing。　No　girl　ever　seemed　to　enjoy　the　first　time。　Perhaps　it　would　be　better　to　get　it　over　with。　Anything　not　to　make　him　angry！　Anything　better　than　the　danger　of　wrecking　our　love！
　The　door　opened　and　there　was　a　brief　shaft　of　light　from　the　lobby。　Then　he　was　beside　me；　breathless　and　excited。　〃I've　got　it；〃　he　whispered。　〃It　was　terribly　embarrassing。　There　was　a　girl　behind　the　counter。　I　didn't　know　what　to　call　it。　I　finally　said；　'One　of　those　things　for　not　having　babies。　You　know。'　She　was　cool　as　a　cucumber。　She　asked　me　what　quality。　I　said　the　best；　of　course。　I　almost　thought　she　was　going　to　ask　'What　size？'　〃　He　laughed　and　held　me　tight。　I　giggled　feebly　back。　Better　to　〃be　a　sport〃！　Better　not　to　make　a　drama　out　of　it！　Nowadays　nobody　did。　It　would　make　it　all　so　embarrassing；　particularly　for　him。
　His　preliminary　love…making　was　so　perfunctory　it　almost　made　me　cry。　Then　he　pushed　his　chair　to　the　back　of　the　box　and　took　off　his　coat　and　laid　it　down　on　the　wooden　floor。　When　he　told　me　to；　I　lay　down　on　it　and　he　knelt　beside　me　and　pulled　off　my　panties。　He　said　to　put　my　feet　up　against　the　front　of　the　box　and　I　did；　and　I　was　so　cramped　and　unfortable　that　I　said；　〃No；　Derek！　Please！　Not　here！〃　But　then　he　was　somehow　on　top　of　me　in　a　dreadful　clumsy　embrace；　and　all　my　instinct　was　somehow　to　help　him　so　that　at　least　he　would　have　pleasure　from　it　and　not　be　angry　with　me　afterward。
　And　then　the　world　fell　in！
　There　was　suddenly　a　great　gush　of　yellow　light；　and　a　furious　voice　said　from　above　and　behind　me；　〃What　the　hell　do　you　think　you're　doing　in　my　cinema？　Get　up；　you　filthy　little　swine。〃
　I　don't　know　why　I　didn't　faint。　Derek　was　standing；　his　face　white　as　a　sheet；　clumsily　buttoning　up　his　trousers。　I　scrambled　to　my　feet；　banging　against　the　wall　of　the　box。　I　stood　there；　waiting　to　be　killed；　waiting　to　be　shot　dead。
　The　black　silhouette　in　the　doorway　pointed　at　my　bag　on　the　floor　with　the　white　scrap　of　my　pants　beside　it。　〃Pick　those　up。〃　I　bent　down　quickly　as　if　I　had　been　hit；　and　clutched　the　pants　into　a　ball　in　my　hand　to　try　and　hide　them。　〃Now　get　out！〃　He　stood　there；　half　blocking　the　entrance；　while　we　shambled　past　him；　broken　people。
　The　manager　banged　the　door　of　the　box　shut　and　got　in　front　of　us；　thinking；　I　suppose；　that　we　might　make　a　run　for　it。　Two　or　three　people　had　seeped　out　of　the　back　seats　into　the　foyer。　（The　whole　audience　must　have　heard　the　manager's　voice。　Had　the　seats　below　us　heard　the　whole　thing；　the　argument；　the　pause；　then　Derek's　instructions　what　to　do？　1　shuddered。）　The　ticket　woman　had　e　out　of　her　box；　and　one　or　two　passers…by；　who　had　been　examining　the　program；　gazed　in　from　under　the　cheap　colored　lights　over　the　entrance。
　The　manager　was　a　plump；　dark　man　with　a　tight　suit　and　a　flower　in　his　buttonhole。　His　face　was　red　with　rage　as　he　looked　us　up　and　down。　〃Filthy　little　brats！〃　He　turned　on　me。　〃And　I've　seen　you　here　before。　You're　nothing　better　than　a　mon　prostitute。　I've　a　damned　good　mind　to　call　the　police。　Indecent　exposure。　Disturbing　the　peace。〃　He　ran　the　heavy　words　easily　off　his　tongue。　He　must　have　used　them　often　before　in　his　sleazy　little　house　of　private　darkness。　〃Names；　please。〃　He　took　a　notebook　out　of　his　pocket　and　licked　a　stub　of　pencil。　He　was　looking　at　Derek。　Derek　stammered；　〃Er；　James　Grant〃…the　film　had　starred　Cary　Grant。　〃Er；　24　Acacia　Road；　Nettlebed。〃　The　manager　looked　up。　〃There　aren't　any　roads　in　Nettlebed。　Only　the　Henley…Oxford　road。〃　Derek　said　obstinately。　〃Yes；　there　are。　At　the　back；〃　he　added　weakly。　〃Sort　of　lanes。〃　〃And　you？〃　He　turned　toward　me　suspiciously。　My　mouth　was　dry。　I　swallowed。　〃Miss　Thompson；　Audrey　Thompson。　24〃…I　realized　it　was　the　same　number　that　Derek　had　chosen；　but　I　couldn't　think　of　another…〃Thomas〃…　I　almost　said　Thompson　again！…〃Road。　London。〃　〃District？〃　I　didn't　know　what　he　meant。　I　gaped　hopelessly　at　him。　〃Postal　district；〃　he　said　impatiently。　I　remembered　Chelsea。　〃S。W。6；〃　I　said　weakly。　The　manager　snapped　his　book　shut。　〃All　right。　Get　out　of　here；　both　of　you。〃　He　pointed　out　into　the　street。　We　edged　nervously　past　him；　and　he　followed　us；　still　pointing。　〃And　don't　ever　e　back　to　my　establishment　again！　I　know　you　both！　You　ever　show　up　again；　I'll　have　the　police　on　you！〃
　The　small　host　of　sneering；　accusing　eyes　followed　us。　I　took　Derek's　arm　（why　didn't　he　take　mine？）　and　we　went　out　under　the　hideous　bright　lights　and　turned　by　instinct　to　the　right　and　down　the　hill　so　that　we　could　walk　faster。　We　didn't　stop　until　we　got　to　a　side　street　and　we　went　in　there　and　slowly　started　to　work　our　way　back　to　where　the　MG　was　parked　up　the　hill　from　the　cinema。
　Derek　didn't　say　a　word　until　we　were　getting　close　to　the　car。　Then　he　said　matter…of…factly；　〃Mustn't　let　them　get　the　number。　I'll　go　and　get　her　and　pick　you　up　opposite　Fullers'　on　Windsor　Hill。　'Bout　ten　minutes。〃　Then　he　freed　himself　from　my　arm　and　went　off　up　the　street。
　I　stood　and　watched　him　go；　the　tall；　elegant　figure　that　was　once　more　proud　and　upright；　and　then　I　turned　and　went　back　to　where　a　lane　led　up　parallel　with　Farquhar　Street　toward　the　Castle。
　I　found　that　I　still　had　my　pants　crushed　in　my　hand。　I　put　them　in　my　bag。　The　open　bag　made　me　think　of　my　appearance。　I　stopped　under　a　streetlight　and　took　out　my　mirror。　I　looked　dreadful。　My　face　was　so　white　it　was　almost　green；　and　my　eyes　belonged　to　a　hunted　animal。　My　hair　stuck　up　at　the　back　where　it　had　been　rumpled　by　the　floor；　and　my　mouth　was　smeared　by　Derek's　kisses。　I　shuddered。　〃Filthy　little　swine！〃　How　right！　All　of　me　felt　unclean；　degraded；　sinful。　What　would　happen　to　us？　Would　the　man　check　on　the　addresses　and　put　the　police　on　us？　Someone　would　certainly　remember　us　from　today　or　from　other　Saturdays。　Someone　would　remember　the　number　of　Derek's　car；　some　little　boy　who　collected　car　numbers。　There　was　always　some　Nosy　Parker　at　the　scene　of　a　crime。　Crime？　Yes；　of　course　it　was；　one　of　the　worst　in　puritan　England…sex；　nakedness；　indecent　exposure。　I　imagined　what　the　manager　must　have　seen　when　Derek　got　up　from　me。　Ugh！　I　shivered　with　disgust。　But　now　Derek　would　be　waiting　for　me。　My　hands　had　automatically　been　tidying　my　face。　I　gave　it　a　last　look。　It　was　the　best　I　could　do。　I　hurried　on　up　the　street　and　turned　down　Windsor　Hill；　hugging　the　wall；　expecting　people　to　turn　and　point。　〃There　she　goes！〃　〃That's　her！〃　〃Filthy　little　swine！〃
　　
　Four：　〃Dear　Viv〃
　
　THAT　summer's　night　hadn't　finished　with　me。　Opposite　Fullers'　a　policeman　was　standing　by　Derek's　car；　arguing　with　him。　Derek　turned　and　saw　me。　〃Here　she　is；　officer。　I　said　she　wouldn't　be　a　minute。　Had　to；　er；　powder　her　nose。　Didn't　you；　darling？〃
　More　trouble！　More　lies！　I　said　yes；　breathlessly；　and　climbed　into　the　seat　beside　Derek。　The　policeman　grinned　slyly　at　me　and　said　to　Derek；　〃All　right；　sir。　But　another　time　remember　there's　no　parking　on　the　Hill。　Even　for　an　emergency　like　that。〃　He　fingered　his　mustache。　Derek　put　the　car　in　gear；　thanked　the　policeman　and　gave　him　the　wink　of　a　dirty　joke　shared；　and　we　were　off　at　last。
　Derek　said　nothing　until　we　had　turned　right　at　the　lights　at　the　bottom。　I　thought　he　was　going　to　drop　me　at　the　station；　but　he　continued　on　along　the　Datchet　road。　〃Phew！〃　He　let　the　air　out　of　his　lungs　with　relief。　〃That　was　a　close　shave！　Thought　we　were　for　it。　Nice　thing　for　my　parents　to　read　in　the　paper　tomorrow。　And　Oxford！　I　should　have　had　it。〃
　〃It　was　ghastly。〃
　There　was　so　much　feeling　in　my　voice　that　he　looked　sideways　at　me。　〃Oh；　well。　The　path　of　true　love　and　all　that。〃　His　voice　was　light　and　easy。　He　had　recovered。　When　would　I？　〃Damned　shame；　really；〃　he　went　on　casually。　〃Just　when　we'd　got　it　all　set　up。〃　He　put　enthusiasm　into　his　voice　to　carry　me　with　him。　〃Tell　you　what。　There's　an　hour　before　the　train。　Why　don't　we　walk　up　along　the　river。　It's　a　well…known　beat　for　Windsor　couples。　Absolutely　private。　Pity　to　waste　everything；　time　and　so　on；　now　we've　made　up　our　minds。〃
　The　〃so　on；〃　I　thought；　meant　〃the　thing〃　he　had