rj.theshadowrising-第35节

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t　do　anything　but　what　you　ask　this　time。〃
　　　　　　　Egwene　bit　her　tongue　to　keep　from　telling　him　that　promise　came　a　bit　late。　Perhaps　she　had　been　a　little　vague　in　what　she　had　asked　for；　but　that　was　no　excuse。　Still；　that　was　something　to　be　dealt　with　another　time。　She　realized　she　was　thinking　of　him　as　just　Rand　again；　but　he　looked　as　if　he　had　just　splashed　mud　on　her　best　dress　and　was　worried　she　would　not　believe　it　an　accident。　Yet　she　had　not　let　go　of　saidar；　and　neither　had　Elayne。　There　was　no　need　to　be　foolish。　〃This　time；〃　she　said；　〃we　just　want　you　to　talk。　How　do　you　embrace　the　Source？　Just　tell　us。　Take　it　step　by　step；　slowly。〃
　　　　　　　〃More　like　wrestling　than　embracing。〃　He　grunted。　〃Step　by　step？　Well；　first　I　imagine　a　flame；　and　then　I　push　everything　into　it。　Hate；　fear；　nervousness。　Everything。　When　they're　all　consumed；　there's　an　emptiness；　a　void；　inside　my　head。　I　am　in　the　middle　of　it；　but　I'm　a　part　of　whatever　I　am　concentrating　on；　too。〃
　　　　　　　〃That　sounds　familiar；〃　Egwene　said。　〃I've　heard　your　father　talk　about　a　trick　of　concentration　he　uses　to　win　the　archery　petitions。　What　he　calls　the　Flame　and　the　Void。〃
　　　　　　　Rand　nodded；　sadly；　it　seemed。　She　thought　he　must　be　missing　home；　and　his　father。　〃Tam　taught　it　to　me　first。　And　Lan　uses　it；　too；　with　the　sword。　Selene　…　someone　I　met　once　…　called　it　the　Oneness。　A　good　many　people　seem　to　know　about　it；　whatever　they　call　it。　But　I　found　out　for　myself　that　when　I　was　inside　the　void；　I　could　feel　saidin；　like　a　light　just　beyond　the　corner　of　my　eye　in　the　emptiness。　There's　nothing　but　me　and　that　light。　Emotion；　even　thought；　is　outside。　I　used　to　have　to　take　it　bit　by　bit；　but　it　all　es　at　once；　now。　Most　of　it　does；　anyway。　Most　of　the　time。〃
　　　　　　　〃Emptiness；〃　Elayne　said　with　a　shiver。　〃No　emotion。　That　doesn't　sound　very　much　like　what　we　do。〃
　　　　　　　〃Yes；　it　does；〃　Egwene　insisted　eagerly。　〃Rand；　we　just　do　it　a　little　differently；　that's　all。　I　imagine　myself　to　be　a　flower；　a　rosebud；　imagine　it　until　I　am　the　rosebud。　That　is　like　your　void；　in　a　way。　The　rosebud's　petals　open　out　to　the　light　of　saidar；　and　I　let　it　fill　me；　all　light　and　warmth　and　life　and　wonder。　I　surrender　to　it；　and　by　surrendering；　I　control　it。　That　was　the　hardest　part；　to　learn；　really；　how　to　master　saidar　by　submitting；　but　it　seems　so　natural　now　that　I　do　not　even　think　about　it。　That　is　the　key　to　it；　Rand。　I　am　sure。　You　must　learn　to　surrender　…〃　He　was　shaking　his　head　vigorously。
　　　　　　　〃That's　nothing　like　what　I　do；〃　he　protested。　〃Let　it　fill　me？　I　have　to　reach　out　and　take　hold　of　saidin。　Sometimes　there's　still　nothing　there　when　I　do；　nothing　I　can　touch；　but　if　I　didn't　reach　for　it；　I　could　stand　there　forever　and　nothing　would　happen。　It　fills　me　all　right；　once　I　take　hold；　but　surrender　to　it？〃　He　raked　his　fingers　through　his　hair。　〃Egwene；　if　I　surrendered　…　even　for　a　minute　…　saidin　would　consume　me。　It's　like　a　river　of　molten　metal；　an　ocean　of　fire；　all　the　light　of　the　sun　gathered　in　one　spot。　I　must　fight　it　to　make　it　do　what　I　want；　fight　it　to　keep　from　being　eaten　up。〃
　　　　　　　He　sighed。　〃I　know　what　you　mean　about　life　filling　you；　though；　even　with　the　taint　turning　my　stomach。　Colors　are　sharper；　smells　clearer。　Everything　is　more　real；　somehow。　I　don't　want　to　let　go；　once　I　have　it；　even　while　it's　trying　to　swallow　me。　But　the　rest。。。。　Face　the　facts；　Egwene。　The　Tower　is　right　about　this。　Accept　it　for　the　truth；　because　it　is。〃
　　　　　　　She　shook　her　head。　〃I　will　accept　it　when　it　is　proved　to　me。〃　She　did　not　sound　as　sure　as　she　wanted　to；　not　as　sure　she　had　been。　What　he　told　sounded　like　some　twisted　half…reflection　of　what　she　did；　similarities　only　emphasizing　differences。　Yet　there　were　similarities。　She　would　not　give　up。　〃Can　you　tell　the　flows　apart？　Air；　Water；　Spirit；　Earth；　Fire？〃
　　　　　　　〃Sometimes；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃Not　usually。　I　just　take　what　I　need　to　do　what　I　want。　Fumble　for　it；　mostly。　It's　very　strange。　Sometimes　I　need　to　do　a　thing；　and　I　do　it；　but　only　afterward　do　I　know　what　it　was　I　did；　or　how。　It's　almost　like　remembering　something　I've　forgotten。　But　I　can　remember　how　to　do　it　again。　Most　of　the　time。〃
　　　　　　　〃Yet　you　do　remember　how；〃　she　insisted。　〃How　did　you　set　fire　to　those　tables？〃　She　wanted　to　ask　him　how　he　had　made　them　dance　…　she　thought　she　saw　a　way；　with　Air　and　Water　…　but　she　wanted　to　start　with　something　simple；　lighting　a　candle　and　putting　it　out　were　things　a　novice　could　do。
　　　　　　　Rand's　face　took　on　a　pained　expression。　〃I　don't　know。〃　He　sounded　embarrassed。　〃When　I　want　fire；　for　a　lamp　or　a　fireplace；　I　just　make　it；　but　I　do　not　know　how。　I　don't　really　need　to　think　to　do　things　with　fire。〃
　　　　　　　That　almost　stood　to　reason。　Of　the　Five　Powers；　Fire　and　Earth　had　been　strongest　in　men　in　the　Age　of　Legends；　and　Air　and　Water　in　women；　Spirit　had　been　shared　equally。　Egwene　hardly　had　to　think　to　use　Air　or　Water；　once　she　had　learned　to　do　a　thing　in　the　first　place。　But　the　thought　did　not　further　their　purpose。
　　　　　　　This　time　it　was　Elayne　who　pressed　him。　〃Do　you　know　how　you　extinguished　them？　You　seemed　to　think　before　they　went　out。〃
　　　　　　　〃That　I　do　remember；　because　I　don't　believe　I　have　ever　done　it　before。　I　took　in　the　heat　from　the　tables　and　spread　it　into　the　stone　of　the　fireplace；　a　fireplace　wouldn't　even　notice　that　much　heat。〃
　　　　　　　Elayne　gasped；　unconsciously　cradling　her　left　arm　for　a　moment；　and　Egwene　winced　in　sympathy。　She　remembered　when　that　arm　had　been　a　mass　of　blisters　because　the　Daughter…Heir　had　done　what　Rand　had　just　described；　and　with　just　the　lamp　in　her　room。　Sheriam　had　threatened　to　let　the　blisters　heal　by　themselves；　she　had　not　done　it；　but　she　had　threatened。　It　was　one　of　the　warnings　novices　were　given；　never　draw　heat　in。　A　flame　could　be　extinguished　using　Air　or　Water；　but　using　Fire　to　pull　the　heat　away　meant　disaster　with　a　flame　of　any　size。　It　was　not　a　matter　of　strength；　so　Sheriam　had　said；　heat　once　taken　in　could　not　be　gotten　rid　of；　not　by　the　strongest　woman　ever　to　e　out　of　the　White　Tower。　Women　had　actually　burst　into　flame　themselves　that　way。　Women　had　burst　into　flame。　Egwene　drew　a　ragged　breath。
　　　　　　　〃What's　the　matter？〃　Rand　asked。
　　　　　　　〃I　think　you　just　proved　the　difference　to　me。〃　She　sighed。
　　　　　　　〃Oh。　Does　that　mean　you're　ready　to　give　up？〃
　　　　　　　〃No！〃　She　tried　to　make　her　voice　softer。　She　was　not　angry　with　him。　Exactly。　She　was　not　sure　who　she　was　angry　with。　〃Maybe　my　teachers　were　right；　but　there　has　to　be　a　way。　Some　way。　Only　I　cannot　think　of　one；　right　now。〃
　　　　　　　〃You　tried；〃　he　said　simply。　〃I　thank　you　for　that。　It　is　not　your　fault　it　did　not　work。〃
　　　　　　　〃There　must　be　a　way；〃　Egwene　muttered；　and　Elayne　murmured；　〃We　will　find　it。　We　will。〃
　　　　　　　〃Of　course　you　will；〃　he　said　with　a　forced　cheerfulness。　〃But　not　today。〃　He　hesitated。　〃I　suppose　you'll　be　going；　then。〃　He　sounded　half…regretful；　half…glad。　〃I　do　need　to　tell　the　High　Lords　a　few　things　about　taxes　this　morning。　They　seem　to　think　they　can　take　as　much　from　a　farmer　in　a　poor　year　as　a　good　without　beggaring　him。　And　I　suppose　you　have　to　get　back　to　questioning　those　Darkfriends。〃　He　frowned。
　　　　　　　He　had　not　said　anything；　but　Egwene　was　sure　he　would　like　to　keep　them　as　far　from　the　Black　Ajah　as　possible。　She　was　a　little　surprised　he　had　not　already　tried　to　make　them　return　to　the　Tower。　Perhaps　he　knew　that　she　and　Nynaeve　would　put　a　flea　in　his　ear　the　size　of　a　horse　if　he　tried。
　　　　　　　〃We　do；〃　she　said　firmly。　〃But　not　right　away。　Rand。。。〃　The　time　had　e　to　bring　up　her　second　reason　for　being　there；　but　it　was　even　more　difficult　than　she　had　expected。　This　was　going　to　hurt　him；　those　sad；　wary　eyes　convinced　her　it　would。　But　it　had　to　be　done。　She　snugged　the　scarf　around　her；　it　enveloped　her　from　shoulders　to　waist。　〃Rand；　I　cannot　marry　you。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　know；〃　he　said。
　　　　　　　She　blinked。　He　was　not　taking　it　as　hard　as　she　expected。　She　told　herself　that　was　good。　〃I　do　not　mean　to　hurt　you　…　really；　I　don't　…　but　I　do　not　want　to　marry　you。〃
　　　　　　　〃I　understand；　Egwene。　I　know　what　I　am。　No　woman　could　…　〃
　　　　　　　〃You　wool…brained　idiot！〃　she　snapped。　〃This　had　nothing　to　do　with　you　channeling。　I　do　not　love　you！　At　least；　not　in　the　way　to　want　to　marry　you。〃
　　　　　　　Rand's　jaw　dropped。　〃You　don't。。。　love　me？〃　He　sounded　as　surprised　as　he　looked。　And　hurt；　too。
　　　　　　　〃Please　try　to　understand；〃　she　said　in　a　gentler　voice。　〃People　change；　Rand。　Feelings　change。　When　people　are　apart；　sometimes　they　grow　apart。　I　love　you　as　I　would　a　brother；　perhaps　more　than　a　brother；　but　not　to　marry。　Can　you　understand　that？〃
　　　　　　　He　managed　a　rueful　grin。　〃I　really　am　a　fool。　I　didn't　really　believe　you　might　change；　too。　Egwene；　I　do　not　want　to　marry　you；　either。　I　did　not　want　to　change；　I　didn't　try　to；　but　it　happened。　If　you　knew　how　much　this　means　to　me。　Not　having　to　pretend。　Not　being　afraid　I'll　hurt　you。　I　never　wanted　to　do　that；　Egwene。　Never　to　hurt　you。〃
　　　　　　　She　very　nearly　smiled。　He　was　putting　on　such　a　brave　face；　he　was　actually　quite　close　to　convincing。　〃I　am　glad　you　are　taking　it　so　well；〃