mc.prey-第8节

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　〃I'm　really　hungry　now；　Dad。〃
　〃Get　your　brother　and　get　into　the　car；〃　I　said。　〃We're　going　to　the　drive…in。〃　Later　that　night；　as　I　was　carrying　the　baby　to　bed；　my　elbow　brushed　against　a　photograph　on　the　living…room　bookshelf。　It　clattered　to　the　floor；　I　stooped　to　pick　it　up。　It　was　a　picture　of　Julia　and　Eric　in　Sun　Valley　when　he　was　four。　They　were　both　in　snowsuits；　Julia　was　helping　him　learn　to　ski；　and　smiling　radiantly。　Next　to　it　was　a　photo　of　Julia　and　me　on　our　eleventh　wedding　anniversary　in　Kona；　I　was　in　a　loud　Hawaiian　shirt　and　she　had　colorful　leis　around　her　neck；　and　we　were　kissing　at　sunset。　That　was　a　great　trip；　in　fact；　we　were　pretty　sure　Amanda　was　conceived　there。　I　remember　Julia　came　home　from　work　one　day　and　said；　〃Honey；　remember　how　you　said　mai…tais　were　dangerous？〃　I　said；　〃Yes　。。。〃　And　she　said；　〃Well；　let　me　put　it　this　way。　It's　a　girl；〃　and　I　was　so　startled　the　soda　I　was　drinking　went　up　my　nose；　and　we　both　started　to　laugh。
　Then　a　picture　of　Julia　making　cupcakes　with　Nicole；　who　was　so　young　she　sat　on　the　kitchen　counter　and　her　legs　didn't　reach　the　edge。　She　couldn't　have　been　more　than　a　year　and　a　half　old。　Nicole　was　frowning　with　concentration　as　she　wielded　a　huge　spoon　of　dough；　making　a　fine　mess　while　Julia　tried　not　to　laugh。
　And　a　photo　of　us　hiking　in　Colorado；　Julia　holding　the　hand　of　six…year…old　Nicole　while　I　carried　Eric　on　my　shoulders；　my　shirt　collar　dark　with　sweat…or　worse；　if　I　remembered　that　day　right。　Eric　must　have　been　about　two；　he　was　still　in　diapers。　I　remember　he　thought　it　was　fun　to　cover　my　eyes　while　I　carried　him　on　the　trail。
　The　hiking　photo　had　slipped　inside　its　frame　so　it　stood　at　an　angle。　I　tapped　the　frame　to　try　and　straighten　it；　but　it　didn't　move。　I　noticed　that　several　of　the　other　pictures　were　faded；　or　the　emulsion　was　sticking　to　the　glass。　No　one　had　bothered　to　take　care　of　these　pictures。　The　baby　snuffled　in　my　arms；　rubbing　her　eyes　with　her　fists。　It　was　time　for　bed。　I　put　the　pictures　back　on　the　shelf。　They　were　old　images　from　another；　happier　time。　From　another　life。　They　seemed　to　have　nothing　to　do　with　me；　anymore。　Everything　was　different　now。　The　world　was　different　now。
　I　left　the　table　set　for　dinner　that　night；　a　silent　rebuke。　Julia　saw　it　when　she　got　home　around　ten。　〃I'm　sorry；　hon。〃
　〃I　know　you　were　busy；〃　I　said。
　〃I　was。　Please　forgive　me？〃
　〃I　do；〃　I　said。
　〃You're　the　best。〃　She　blew　me　a　kiss；　from　across　the　room。　〃I'm　going　to　take　a　shower；〃　she　said。　And　she　headed　off　down　the　hallway。　I　watched　her　go。　On　the　way　down　the　hall；　she　looked　into　the　baby's　room；　and　then　darted　in。　A　moment　later；　I　heard　her　cooing　and　the　baby　gurgling。　I　got　out　of　my　chair；　and　walked　down　the　hall　after　her。
　In　the　darkened　nursery；　she　was　holding　the　baby　up；　nuzzling　her　nose。
　I　said；　〃Julia　。。。　you　woke　her　up。〃
　〃No　I　didn't；　she　was　awake。　Weren't　you；　little　honey…bunny？　You　were　awake；　weren't　you；　Poopsie…doopsie？〃
　The　baby　rubbed　her　eyes　with　tiny　fists；　and　yawned。　She　certainly　appeared　to　have　been　awakened。
　Julia　turned　to　me　in　the　darkness。　〃I　didn't。　Really。　I　didn't　wake　her　up。　Why　are　you　looking　at　me　that　way？〃
　〃What　way？〃
　〃You　know　what　way。　That　accusing　way。〃
　〃I'm　not　accusing　you　of　anything。〃
　The　baby　started　to　whimper　and　then　to　cry。　Julia　touched　her　diaper。　〃I　think　she's　wet；〃　she　said；　and　handed　her　to　me　as　she　walked　out　of　the　room。　〃You　do　it；　Mr。　Perfect。〃
　*　*　*
　Now　there　was　tension　between　us。　After　I　changed　the　baby　and　put　her　back　to　bed；　I　heard　Julia　e　out　of　the　shower；　banging　a　door。　Whenever　Julia　started　banging　doors；　it　was　a　sign　for　me　to　e　and　mollify　her。　But　I　didn't　feel　like　it　tonight。　I　was　annoyed　she'd　awakened　the　baby；　and　I　was　annoyed　by　her　unreliability；　saying　she'd　be　home　early　and　never　calling　to　say　she　wouldn't。　I　was　scared　that　she　had　bee　so　unreliable　because　she　was　distracted　by　a　new　love。　Or　she　just　didn't　care　about　her　family　anymore。　I　didn't　know　what　to　do　about　all　this；　but　I　didn't　feel　like　smoothing　the　tension　between　us。　I　just　let　her　bang　the　doors。　She　slammed　her　sliding　closet…door　so　hard　the　wood　cracked。　She　swore。　That　was　another　sign　I　was　supposed　to　e　running。　I　went　back　to　the　living　room；　and　sat　down。　I　picked　up　the　book　I　was　reading；　and　stared　at　the　page。　I　tried　to　concentrate　but　of　course　I　couldn't。　I　was　angry　and　I　listened　to　her　bang　around　in　the　bedroom。　If　she　kept　it　up；　she'd　wake　Eric　and　then　I　would　have　to　deal　with　her。　I　hoped　it　wouldn't　go　that　far。
　Eventually　the　noise　stopped。　She　had　probably　gotten　into　bed。　If　so；　she　would　soon　be　asleep。　Julia　could　go　to　sleep　when　we　were　fighting。　I　never　could；　I　stayed　up；　pacing　and　angry；　trying　to　settle　myself　down。
　When　I　finally　came　to　bed；　Julia　was　fast　asleep。　I　slipped　between　the　covers；　and　rolled　over　on　my　side；　away　from　her。
　It　was　one　o'clock　in　the　morning　when　the　baby　began　to　scream。　I　groped　for　the　light；　knocked　over　the　alarm　clock；　which　turned　the　clock　radio　on；　blaring　rock　and　roll。　I　swore；　fumbled　in　the　dark；　finally　got　the　bedside　light　on；　turned　the　radio　off。　The　baby　was　still　screaming。
　〃What's　the　matter　with　her？〃　Julia　said　sleepily。
　〃I　don't　know。〃　I　got　out　of　bed；　shaking　my　head；　trying　to　wake　up。　I　went　into　the　nursery　and　flicked　on　the　light。　The　room　seemed　very　bright；　the　clown　wallpaper　very　yellow　and　burning。　Out　of　nowhere；　I　thought：　why　doesn't　she　want　yellow　placemats　when　she　painted　the　whole　nursery　yellow？
　The　baby　was　standing　up　in　her　crib；　holding　on　to　the　rails　and　howling；　her　mouth　wide　open；　her　breath　ing　in　jagged　gasps。　Tears　were　running　down　her　cheeks。　I　held　my　arms　out　to　her　and　she　reached　for　me；　and　I　forted　her。　I　thought　it　must　be　a　nightmare。　I　forted　her；　rocked　her　gently。
　She　continued　to　scream；　unrelenting。　Maybe　something　was　hurting　her；　maybe　something　in　her　diaper。　I　checked　her　body。　That　was　when　I　saw　an　angry　red　rash　on　her　belly；　extending　in　welts　around　to　her　back；　and　up　toward　her　neck。
　Julia　came　in。　〃Can't　you　stop　it？〃　she　said。
　I　said；　〃There's　something　wrong；〃　and　I　showed　her　the　rash。
　〃Has　she　got　a　fever？〃
　I　touched　Amanda's　head。　She　was　sweaty　and　hot；　but　that　could　be　from　the　crying。　The　rest　of　her　body　felt　cool。　〃I　don't　know。　I　don't　think　so。〃
　I　could　see　the　rash　on　her　thighs　now。　Was　it　on　her　thighs　a　moment　before？　I　almost　thought　I　was　seeing　it　spread　before　my　eyes。　If　it　was　possible；　the　baby　screamed　even　louder。　〃Jesus；〃　Julia　said。　〃I'll　call　the　doctor。〃
　〃Yeah；　do。〃　By　now　I　had　the　baby　on　her　back…she　screamed　more…and　I　was　looking　carefully　at　her　entire　body。　The　rash　was　spreading；　there　was　no　doubt　about　it。　And　she　seemed　to　be　in　terrible　pain；　screaming　bloody　murder。
　〃I'm　sorry；　honey；　I'm　sorry　。。。〃　I　said。
　Definitely　spreading。
　Julia　came　back　and　said　she　left　word　for　the　doctor。　I　said；　〃I'm　not　going　to　wait。　I'm　taking　her　to　the　emergency　room。〃
　〃Do　you　really　think　that's　necessary？〃　she　said。
　I　didn't　answer　her；　I　just　went　into　the　bedroom　to　put　on　my　clothes。
　Julia　said；　〃Do　you　want　me　to　e　with　you？〃
　〃No；　stay　with　the　kids；〃　I　said。
　〃You　sure？〃
　〃Yes。〃
　〃Okay；〃　she　said。　She　wandered　back　to　the　bedroom。　I　reached　for　my　car　keys。
　The　baby　continued　to　scream。
　　
　〃I　realize　it's　unfortable；〃　the　intern　was　saying。　〃But　I　don't　think　it's　safe　to　sedate　her。〃　We　were　in　a　curtained　cubicle　in　the　emergency　room。　The　intern　was　bent　over　my　screaming　daughter；　looking　in　her　ears　with　his　instrument。　By　now　Amanda's　entire　body　was　bright；　angry　red。　She　looked　as　if　she　had　been　parboiled。
　I　felt　scared。　I'd　never　heard　of　anything　like　this　before；　a　baby　turning　bright　red　and　screaming　constantly。　I　didn't　trust　this　intern；　who　seemed　far　too　young　to　be　petent。　He　couldn't　be　experienced；　he　didn't　even　look　as　if　he　shaved　yet。　I　was　jittery；　shifting　my　weight　from　one　foot　to　the　other。　I　was　beginning　to　feel　slightly　crazy；　because　my　daughter　had　never　stopped　screaming　once　in　the　last　hour。　It　was　wearing　me　down。　The　intern　ignored　it。　I　didn't　know　how　he　could。
　〃She　has　no　fever；〃　he　said；　making　notes　in　a　chart；　〃but　in　a　child　this　age　that　doesn't　mean　anything。　Under　a　year；　they　may　not　run　fevers　at　all；　even　with　severe　infections。〃
　〃Is　that　what　this　is？〃　I　said。　〃An　infection？〃
　〃I　don't　know。　I'm　presuming　a　virus　because　of　that　rash。　But　we　should　have　the　preliminary　blood　work　back　in…ah；　good。〃　A　passing　nurse　handed　him　a　slip　of　paper。　〃Uhh　。。。　hmmm　。。。〃　He　paused。　〃Well　。。。〃
　〃Well　what？〃　I　said；　shifting　my　weight　anxiously。
　He　was　shaking　his　head　as　he　stared　at　the　paper。　He　didn't　answer。
　〃Well　what？〃
　〃It's　not　an　infection；〃　he　said。　〃White　cells　counts　all　normal；　protein　fractions　normal。　She's　got　no　immune　mobilization　at　all。〃
　〃What　does　that　mean？〃
　He　was　very　calm；　standing　there；　frowning　and　thinking。　I　wondered　if　perhaps　he　was　just　dumb。　The　best　people　weren't　going　into　medicine　anymore；　not　with　the　HMOs　running　everything。　This　kid　might