annr.pandora-第44节

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　〃What　a　blessing；〃　he　said。
　〃There　is　no　need　for　such　an　insult；〃　I　murmured。　〃But　I　forgive　you。〃
　〃Pandora；　I　love　you！〃　he　said　helplessly。
　〃Put　it　inside　me；〃　I　said；　reaching　between　his　legs。　〃Fill　me　and　hold　me。〃
　〃This　is　stupid　and　superstitious！〃
　〃It　is　neither；〃　I　said。　〃It　is　symbolic　and　forting。〃
　He　obeyed。　Our　bodies　were　one；　connected　by　this　sterile　organ　which　was　no　more　to　him　now　than　his　arm；　but　how　I　loved　the　arm　he　threw　over　me　and　the　lips　he　pressed　to　my　forehead。
　〃I　love　you；　Marius；　my　strange；　tall　and　beautiful　Marius。〃
　〃I　don't　believe　you；〃　he　said；　his　voice　barely　a　whisper。
　〃What　do　you　mean？〃
　〃You'll　despise　me　soon　enough　for　what　I've　done　to　you。〃
　〃Not　so；　oh；　rational　one。　I　am　not　as　eager　to　grow　old；　wither　and　die；　as　you　might　think。　I　should　like　a　chance　to　know　more；　to　see　more。。。〃
　I　felt　his　lips　against　my　forehead。
　〃Did　you　really　try　to　marry　me　when　I　was　fifteen？〃
　〃Oh；　agonizing　memories！　Your　Father's　insults　still　sting　my　ears！　He　had　me　all　but　thrown　out　of　your　house！〃
　〃I　love　you　with　my　whole　heart；〃　I　whispered。　〃And　you　have　won。　You　have　me　now　as　your　wife。〃
　〃I　have　you　as　something；　but　I　do　not　think　that　'wife'　is　the　word　for　it。　I　wonder　that　you've　already　forgotten　your　earlier　strenuous　objection　to　the　term。
　〃Together；〃　I　said；　scarce　able　to　talk　on　account　of　his　kisses。　I　was　drowsy；　and　loved　the　feel　of　his　lips；　their　sudden　eagerness　for　pure　auction。　〃We'll　think　of　another　word　more　exalted　than　'wife。'　〃
　Suddenly　I　moved　back。　I　could　not　see　him　in　the　dark。
　'Are　you　kissing　me　so　that　I　will　not　talk'？〃
　〃Yes；　that's　exactly　what　I　was　doing；〃　he　said。
　I　turned　away　from　him。
　〃Turn　back；　please；〃　he　said。
　〃No；〃　I　said。
　I　lay　still；　realizing　dimly　that　his　body　felt　quite　normal　to　me　now；　because　mine　was　as　hard　as　his　was；　as　strong　perhaps。　What　a　sublime　advantage。　Oh；　but　I　loved　him。　I　loved　him！　So　let　him　kiss　the　back　of　the　neck！　He　could　not　force　me　to　turn　towards　him！
　The　sun　must　have　risen。
　For　a　silence　fell　on　me　which　was　as　if　the　universe　with　all　its　volcanoes　and　raging　tides　…　and　all　its　Emperors；　Kings；　judges；　Senators；　philosophers　and　Priests　…　had　been　erased　from　existence。
　
　
　II
　
　Well；　David；　there　you　have　it。
　I　could　continue　the　Plautus…Terence　style　edy　for　pages。　I　could　vie　with　Shakespeare's　Much　Ado　About　Nothing。
　But　that　is　the　basic　story。　That　is　what　lies　behind　the　flippant　capsule　version　in　The　Vampire　Lestat；　fashioned　into　its　final　trivial　form　by　Marius　or　Lestat；　who　knows。
　Let　me　lead　you　through　those　points　which　are　sacred　and　burn　still　in　my　heart；　no　matter　how　easily　they　have　been　dismissed　by　another。
　And　the　tale　of　our　parting　is　not　mere　dissonance　but　may　contain　some　lesson。
　Marius　taught　me　to　hunt；　to　catch　the　evildoer　only；　and　to　kill　without　pain；　enwrapping　the　soul　of　my　victim　in　sweet　visions　or　allowing　the　soul　to　illuminate　its　own　death　with　a　cascade　of　fantasies　which　I　must　not　judge；　but　merely　devour；　like　the　blood。　All　that　does　not　require　detailed　documentation。
　We　were　matched　in　strength。　When　some　burnt　and　ruthlessly　ambitious　blood　drinker　did　find　his　way　to　Antioch；　which　happened　only　a　few　times　and　then　not　at　all；　we　executed　the　supplicant　together。　These　were　monstrous　mentalities；　forged　in　ages　we　could　hardly　understand；　and　they　sought　the　Queen　like　jackals　seek　the　bodies　of　the　human　dead。
　There　was　no　argument　between　us　over　any　of　them。
　We　often　read　aloud　to　each　other；　and　we　laughed　together　at　Petronius's　Satyricon；　and　we　shared　both　tears　and　laughter　later　as　we　read　the　bitter　satires　of　Juvenal。　There　was　no　end　of　new　satire　and　history　ing　from　Rome　and　from　Alexandria。
　But　something　forever　divided　Marius　from　me。
　Love　grew　but　so　did　constant　argument；　and　argument　became　more　and　more　the　dangerous　cement　of　the　bond。
　Over　the　years；　Marius　guarded　his　delicate　rationality　as　a　Vestal　Virgin　guards　a　sacred　flame。　If　ever　any　ecstatic　emotion　took　hold　of　me；　he　was　there　to　grab　me　by　the　shoulders　and　tell　me　in　no　uncertain　terms　that　it　was　irrational。　Irrational；　irrational；　irrational！
　When　the　terrible　earthquake　of；　the　second　century　struck　Antioch；　and　we　were　unharmed；　I　dared　speak　of　it　as　a　Divine　Blessing。　This　set　Marius　into　a　rage；　and　he　was　quick　to　point　that　the　same　Divine　Intervention　had　also　protected　the　Roman　Emperor　Trajan；　who　was　in　the　city　at　the　time。　What　was　I　to　make　of　that？
　For　the　record；　Antioch　quickly　rebuilt　itself；　the　markets　flourished；　more　slaves　poured　in；　nothing　stopped　the　caravans　headed　for　the　ships；　and　the　ships　headed　for　the　caravans。
　But　long　before　that　earthquake　we　had　all　but　e　to　blows　night　after　night。
　If　I　lingered　for　hours　in　the　room　of　the　Mother　and　the　Father；　Marius　invariably　came　to　collect　me　and　bring　me　back　to　my　senses。　He　could　not　read　in　peace　with　me　in　such　a　state；　he　declared。　He　could　not　think　because　he　knew　I　was　downstairs　deliberately　inviting　madness。
　Why；　I　demanded；　must　his　domination　extend　to　every　corner　of　our　entire　house　and　garden？　And　how　was　it　that　I　was　his　match　in　strength　when　an　old　burnt　blood　drinker　found　his　way　to　Antioch　and　we　picked　up　the　word　of　his　killing　and　had　to　do　away　with　him？
　〃We　are　not　matched　in　minds？〃　I　demanded。
　〃Only　you　could　ask　that　question！〃　came　his　reply。
　Of　course　the　Mother　and　Father　never　moved　or　spoke　again。　No　blood　dreams；　no　divine　directive　ever　reached　me。　Only　now　and　then　did　Marius　remind　me　of　this。　And　after　a　long　while；　he　allowed　me　to　tend　the　Shrine　with　him；　to　see　full　well　the　extent　of　their　silent　and　seemingly　mindless　pliance。　They　appeared　utterly　beyond　reach；　their　cooperation　was　sluggish　and　frightening　to　witness。
　When　Flavius　fell　ill　in　his　fortieth　year；　Marius　and　I　had　the　first　of　our　truly　terrible　battles。　This　came　early　on；　well　before　the　earthquake。
　It　was；　by　the　way；　a　wondrous　time　because　the　wicked　old　Tiberius　was　filling　Antioch　with　new　and　wonderful　buildings。　She　was　the　rival　of　Rome。　But　Flavius　was　ill。
　Marius　could　scarce　bear　it。　He　had　bee　more　than　fond　of　Flavius　…　they　talked　about　Aristotle　all　the　time；　and　Flavius　proved　one　of　those　men　who　can　do　anything　for　you；　from　managing　a　household　to　copying　the　most　esoteric　and　crumbling　text　with　plete　accuracy。
　Flavius　had　never　put　a　single　question　to　us　as　to　what　we　were。　In　his　mind；　I　found；　devotion　and　acceptance　far　superseded　curiosity　or　fear。
　We　hoped　Flavius　had　only　a　minor　illness。　But　finally；　as　Flavius's　fever　grew　worse；　Flavius　turned　his　head　away　from　Marius　whenever　Marius　came　to　him。　But　he　held　on　to　my　hand　always　when　I　offered　it。　Frequently　I　lay　beside　him　for　hours；　as　he　had　once　lain　beside　me。
　Then　one　night　Marius　took　me　to　the　gate　and　said；　〃He'll　be　dead　by　the　time　I　e　back。　Can　you　bear　this　alone？〃
　〃Do　you　run　from　it？〃　I　asked。
　〃No；〃　he　said。　〃But　he　doesn't　want　me　to　see　him　die；　he　doesn't　want　me　to　see　him　groan　in　pain。〃
　I　nodded。
　Marius　left。
　Marius　had　long　ago　laid　down　the　rule　that　no　other　blood　drinker　was　ever　to　be　made。　I　didn't　bother　to　question　him　on　this。
　As　soon　as　he　was　gone；　I　made　Flavius　into　a　vampire。　I　did　it　just　the　way　the　burnt　one；　Marius　and　Akasha　had　done　it　to　me；　for　Marius　and　I　had　long　discussed　the　methods　…　withdraw　as　much　blood　as　you　can；　then　give　it　back　until　you　are　near　to　fainting。
　I　did　faint　and　wake　to　see　this　splendid　Greek　standing　over　me；　smiling　faintly；　all　disease　gone　from　him。　He　reached　down　to　take　my　hand　and　help　me　to　my　feet。
　Marius　walked　in；　stared　at　the　reborn　Flavius　in　amazement　and　said；　〃Get　out；　out　of　this　house；　out　of　this　city；　out　of　this　province；　out　of　this　Empire。〃
　Flavius's　last　words　to　me　were：
　〃Thank　you　for　this　Dark　Gift。〃　That　is　the　first　I　ever　heard　that　particular　phrase；　which　appears　so　often　in　Lestat's　writings。　How　well　this　learned　Athenian　understood　it。
　For　hours　I　avoided　Marius。　I　would　never　be　forgiven！　Then　I　went　out　into　the　garden。　I　discovered　Marius　was　grieving；　and　when　he　looked　up；　I　realized　that　he　had　been　utterly　convinced　that　I　meant　to　go　off　with　Flavius。　When　I　saw　this；　I　took　him　in　my　arms。　He　was　full　of　quiet　relief　and　love；　he　forgave　me　at　once　for　my　〃absolute　rashness。〃
　〃Don't　you　see；〃　I　said；　taking　him　in　hand；　〃that　I　adore　you？　But　you　cannot　rule　over　me！　Can　you　not　consider　in　your　reasonable　fashion　that　the　greatest　part　of　our　gift　eludes　you　…　it's　the　freedom　from　the　confines　of　male；　female！〃
　〃You　can't　convince　me；〃　he　said；　〃for　one　moment　that　you　don't　feel；　reason　and　act　in　the　manner　of　a　woman。　We　both　loved　Flavius。　But　why　another　blood　drinker？〃
　〃I　don't　know　except　that　Flavius　wanted　it；　Flavius　knew　all　about　our　secrets；　there　was　a。。。　an　understanding　between　me　and　Flavius！　He　had　been　loyal　in　the　darkest　hours　of　my　mortal　life。　Oh；　I　can't　explain　it。〃
　〃A　woman　s　sentiments；　exactly。　And　you　have　launched　this　creature　into　eternity。