cw.imarriedadeadman-第34节

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ood　one。　I　know　one　thing；　it　sure　coss　more　than　any　party　you　ever　went　to　in　your　life。　Or　ever　likely　to　go　to。〃
　Patrice　screamed　out　within　herself；　wincing：　How　right　you　are！　It　wasn't　good；　no；　it　wasn't…but　oh；　how　costly！
　Dr。　Parker　accosted　them　in　the　upper　hall。　There　was　a　nurse　there　with　him。　They　had　thought　he'd　be　in　with　her。
　〃Is　she　asleep？〃　Patrice　breathed；　more　frightened　than　reassured　at　this。
　〃Ty　Winthrop's　been　in　there　alone　with　her　for　the　past　halfhour。　She　insisted。　And　when　people　are　quite　ill；　you　overrule　them；　but　when　they're　even　more　ill　than　that；　you　don't　I've　been　checking　her　pulse　and　respiration　at　ten…minute　intervals。〃
　〃That　bad？〃　she　whispered　in　dismay。　She　caught　the　stricken　look　on　Bill's　face；　and　found　time　to　feel　parenthetically　sorry　for　him　even　while　she　asked　it。
　〃There's　no　immediate　danger；〃　Parker　answered。　〃But　I　can't　make　you　any　promises　beyond　the　next　hour　or　two。〃　And　then　he　looked　the　two　of　them　square　in　the　eyes　and　said；　〃It's　a　bad　one　this　time。　It's　the　daddy　of　them　all。〃
　It's　the　last　one；　Patrice　knew　then　with　certainty。
　She　crumpled　for　a　moment；　and　a　scattered　sob　or　two　escaped　from　her；　while　he　and　Bill　led　her　over　to　a　hall…chair；　there　beside　the　sickroom…door；　and　sat　her　down。
　〃Don't　do　that；〃　the　doctor　admonished　her；　with　just　a　trace　of　detachment…perhaps　professional；　perhaps　personal…　〃There's　no　call　for　it　at　this　stage。〃
　〃It's　just　that　I'm　so　worn…out；〃　she　explained　blurredly。
　She　could　almost　read　his　answering　thought。　Then　you　should　have　e　home　a　little　earlier。
　The　nurse　traced　a　whiff　of　ammonia　past　her　nose；　eased　her　hat　from　her　head；　smoothed　her　hair　soothingly。
　〃Is　my　baby　all　right？〃　she　asked　in　a　moment；　calmer。
　It　was　Aunt　Josie　who　answered　that　〃I　know　how　to　look　after　him；〃　she　said　a　trifle　shortly。　Patrice　was　out　of　favor　right　then。
　The　door　opened　and　Ty　Winthrop　came　out　He　was　putting　away　his　glasses。
　〃They　back　yet…？〃　he　started　to　say。　Then　he　saw　them。　〃She　wants　to　see　you。〃
　They　both　started　up　at　once。
　〃Not　you；〃　he　said　to　Bill；　warding　him　off。　〃Just　Patrice。　She　wants　to　see　her　alone；　without　anyone　else　in　the　room。　She　repeated　that　several　times。〃
　Parker　motioned　her　to　wait。　〃Let　me　check　her　pulse　first〃　She　looked　over　at　Bill　while　they　were　standing　there　waiting；　to　see　how　he　was　taking　it　He　smiled　untroubledly。　〃I　understand；〃　he　murmured。　〃That's　her　way　of　seeing　me。　And　a　good　way　it　is；　too。　Just　about　the　best〃
　Parker　had　e　out　again。
　〃Not　more　than　a　minute　or　two；〃　he　said　disapprovingly；　with　a　side　look　at　Winthrop。　〃And　then　maybe　we'll　all　get　together　to　see　that　she　gets　a　little　rest。〃
　She　went　in　there。　Somebody　closed　the　door　after　her。
　〃Patrice；　dear；〃　a　quiet　voice　said。
　She　went　over　to　the　bed。
　The　face　was　still　in　shadow；　because　of　the　way　they'd　left　the　lamp。
　〃You　can　raise　that　a　little；　dear。　I'm　not　in　my　coffin　yet。〃
　Her　eyes　looked　up　at　Patrice　in　the　same　way　they　had　that　first　day　at　the　railroad　station。　They　were　kind。　They　smiled　around　the　edges。　They　hurt　a　little；　they　were　so　trustful。
　〃I　didn't　dream。〃　she　heard　herself　saying；　〃We　drove　out　further　than　we'd　intended　to。　It　was　such　a　beautiful　night。〃
　Two　hands　were　feebly　extended　for　her　to　clasp。
　She　dropped　suddenly　to　her　knees　and　smothered　them　with　kisses。
　〃I　love　you；〃　she　pleaded。　〃That　much　is　true；　oh；　that　much　is　true！　If　I　could　only　make　you　believe　it　My　mother。　You're　my　mother。〃
　〃You　don't　have　to；　dear。　I　know　it　already。　I　love　you　too；　and　my　love　has　always　known　that　you　do。　That's　why　you're　my　little　girl。　Remember　that　I　told　you　this：　you're　my　little　girl。〃
　And　then　she　said；　very　softly；　〃I　forgive　you；　dear。　I　forgive　my　little　girl。〃
　She　stroked　Patrice's　hand　consolingly。
　〃Marry　Bill。　I　give　you　both　my　blessing。　Here…〃　She　gestured　feebly　in　the　direction　of　her　own　shoulder。　〃Under　my　pillow。　I　had　Ty　put　something　there　for　you。〃
　Patrice　reached　under；　drew　out　a　long　envelope；　sealed；　unaddressed。
　〃Keep　this；〃　Mother　Hazzard　said；　touching　the　edge　for　a　moment。　〃Don't　show　it　to　anyone。　It's　just　for　you。　Do　not　open　until…after　I'm　not　here。　It's　in　case　you　need　it。　When　you're　in　greatest　need；　remember　I　gave　it　to　you…open　it　then。〃
　She　sighed　deeply；　as　though　the　effort　had　tired　her　unendurably。
　〃Kiss　me。　It's　late。　So　very　late。　I　can　feel　it　in　every　inch　of　my　poor　old　body。　You　can't　feel　how　late　it　is；　Patrice；　but　I　can。〃
　Patrice　bent　low　above　her；　touched　her　own　lips　to　hers。
　〃Goodbye；　my　daughter；〃　she　whispered。
　〃Goodnight；〃　Patrice　amended。
　〃Goodbye；〃　she　insisted　gently。　There　was　a　faint；　prideful　smile　on　her　face；　a　smile　of　superior　knowledge；　as　of　one　who　knows　herself　to　be　the　better　informed　of　the　two。
　
　
　44
　
　Lonely　vigil　by　the　window；　until　long　after　it　had　grown　light。　Sitting　there；　staring；　waiting；　hoping；　despairing；　dying　a　little。　Seeing　the　stars　go　out；　and　the　dawn　creep　slowly　toward　her　from　the　east；　like　an　ugly　gray　pallor。　She'd　never　wanted　to　see　daybreak　less；　for　at　least　the　dark　had　covered　her　sorrows　like　a　cloak　but　every　moment　of　increasing　light　diluted　it；　until　it　had　reached　the　vanishing…point；　it　was　gone；　there　wasn't　any　more　left。
　Motionless　as　a　statue　in　the　blue…tinged　window；　forehead　pressed　forward　against　the　glass；　making　a　little　white　ripple　of　adhesion　across　it　where　it　touched。　Eyes　staring　at　nothing；　for　nothing　was　all　there　was　out　there　to　see。
　I've　found　my　love　at　last；　only　to　lose　him；　only　to　throw　him　away。　Why　did　I　find　out　tonight　I　loved　him；　why　did　I　have　to　know？　Couldn't　I　have　been　spared　that　at　least？
　The　day　wasn't　just　bitter　now。　The　day　was　ashes；　lying　all　around　her；　cold　and　crumbled　and　consumed。　No　use　for　pinks　and　blues　and　yellows　to　try　to　tint　it；　like　watercolors　lightly　applied　from　some　celestial　palette；　no　use。　It　was　dead。　And　she　was　sitting　there　beside　its　bier。
　And　if　there　was　such　a　thing　as　penance；　absolution；　for　mistakes　that；　once　made；　can　never　be　wholly　undone　again；　can　only　be　regretted；　she　should　have　earned　it　on　that　long　vigil。　But　maybe　there　is　none。
　Her　chances　were　dead　and　her　hopes　were　dead；　and　she　couldn't　atone　any　further。
　She　turned　and　slowly　looked　behind　her。　Her　baby　was　awake；　and　smiling　at　her；　and　for　once　she　had　no　answering　smile　ready　to　give　him。　She　couldn't　smile；　it　would　have　been　too　strange　a　thing　to　fit　upon　her　mouth。
　She　turned　her　face　away　again；　so　that　she　wouldn't　have　to　look　at　him　too　long。　Because；　what　good　did　crying　do？　Crying　to　a　little　baby。　Babies　cried　to　their　mothers；　but　mothers　shouldn't　cry　to　their　babies。
　Outside；　the　man　came　out　on　that　lawn　down　there；　pulling　his　garden…hose　after　him。　Then　when　he　had　it　all　stretched　out；　he　let　it　lie；　and　went　back　to　the　other　end　of　it；　and　turned　the　spigot。　The　grass　began　to　sparkle；　up　where　the　nozzle　lay　inert；　even　before　he　could　return　to　it　and　take　it　up。　You　couldn't　see　the　water　actually　ing　out；　because　the　nozzle　was　down　too　flat　against　the　ground；　but　you　could　see　a　sort　of　irridescent　rippling　of　the　grass　right　there；　that　told　there　was　something　in　motion　under　it。
　Then　he　saw　her　at　her　window；　and　he　raised　his　arm　and　waved　to　her；　the　way　he　had　in　the　beginning；　that　first　day。　Not　because　she　was　she；　but　because　his　own　world　was　all　in　order；　and　it　was　a　beautiful　morning；　and　he　wanted　to　wave　to　someone　to　show　them　how　he　felt。
　She　turned　her　head　away。　Not　to　avoid　his　friendly　little　salutation；　but　because　there　was　a　knocking　at　her　door。　Someone　was　knocking　at　her　door。
　She　got　up　stiffly　and　walked　over　toward　it；　and　opened　it。
　A　lonely；　lost　old　man　was　standing　out　there；　quietly；　unassumingly。　Bill's　father　was　standing　out　there；　very　wilted；　very　spent　A　stranger；　mistaking　her　for　a　daughter。
　〃She　just　died；〃　he　whispered　helplessly。　〃Your　mother　just　died；　dear。　I　didn't　know　whom　to　go　to；　to　tell　about　it…so　I　came　to　your　door。〃　He　seemed　unable　to　do　anything　but　just　stand　there；　limp；　baffled。
　She　stood　there　without　moving　either。　That　was　all　she　was　able　to　do　too。　That　was　all　the　help　she　could　give　him。
　
　
　45
　
　The　leaves　dying；　as　she　had　died。　The　season　was　dying。　The　old　life　was　dying；　was　dead。　They　had　buried　it　back　there　just　now。
　〃How　strange；〃　Patrice　thought　〃To　go　on；　before　one　can　go　on　to　something　new；　there　has　to　be　death　first　Always；　there　has　to　be　a　kind　of　death；　of　one　sort　or　another；　first　Just　as　there　has　been　with　me。〃
　The　leaves　were　brightly　dying。　The　misty　black　of　her　veil　dimmed　their　apoplectic　spasms　of　scarlet　and　orange　and　ochre；　tempered　them　to　a　more　bearable　hue　in　the　fiery　sunset；　as　the　funeral　limousine　coursed　at　stately　speed　homeward　through　the　countryside。
　She　sat　between　Bill　and　his　father。
　〃I　am　the　Woman　of　the　Family　now；〃　she　thought。　〃The　only　woman　of　their　house　and　in　their　house。　That　is　why　I　sit　between　them　like　this；　in　place　of　prominence；　and　not　to　the　outside。〃
　An