cb.imajica2-第4节

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ong　as　their　arms。〃
　〃Even　you？〃　she　asked　him。
　〃Ah；　well；　with　me　it's　different。〃　He　sighed；　sniffing　at　the　flower。　〃I'm　an　actor　chappie。　I　fake　my　raptures。　I'd　like　to　change　the　world；　but　I　end　up　as　entertainment。　Whereas　all　you　lovers〃…he　spoke　the　word　contemptuously…〃who　couldn't　give　a　fuck　about　the　world　as　long　as　you're　feeling　passionate；　you're　the　ones　who　make　the　cities　burn　and　the　nations　tumble。　You're　the　engines　in　the　tragedy；　and　most　of　the　time　you　don't　even　know　it。　So　what's　an　actor　chappie　to　do；　if　he　wants　to　be　taken　seriously？　I'll　tell　you。　He　has　to　learn　to　fake　his　feelings　so　well　he'll　be　allowed　off　the　stage　and　into　the　real　world。　It's　taken　me　a　lot　of　rehearsal　to　get　where　I　am；　believe　me。　I　started　small；　you　know；　very　small。　Messenger。　Spear…carrier。　I　once　pimped　for　the　Unbeheld；　but　it　was　just　a　one…night　stand。　Then　1　was　back　serving　lovers…〃
　〃Like　Oscar。〃
　〃Like　Oscar。〃
　〃You　hated　him；　didn't　you？〃
　〃No；　I　was　simply　bored；　with　him　and　his　whole　family。　He　was　so　like　his　father；　and　his　father's　father；　and　so　on；　all　the　way　back　to　crazy　Joshua。　I　became　impatient。　I　knew　things　would　e　around　eventually；　and　I'd　have　my　moment；　but　I　got　so　tired　of　waiting；　and　once　in　a　while　I　let　it　show。〃
　〃And　you　plotted。〃
　〃But　of　course。　I　wanted　to　hurry　things　along；　towards　the　moment　of　my　。。。　emancipation。　It　was　all　very　calculated。　But　that's　me；　you　see？　I'm　an　artist　with　the　soul　of　an　accountant。〃
　〃Did　you　hire　Pie　to　kill　me？〃
　〃Not　knowingly；〃　Dowd　said。　〃I　set　some　wheels　in　motion；　but　I　never　imagined　they'd　carry　us　all　so　far。　I　didn't　even　know　the　mystif　was　alive。　But　as　things　went　on；　I　began　to　see　how　inevitable　all　this　was。　First　Pie's　appearance。　Then　your　meeting　Godolphin；　and　your　falling　for　each　other。　It　was　all　bound　to　happen。　It　was　what　you　were　born　to　do；　after　all。　Do　you　miss　him；　by　the　way？　Tell　the　truth。〃
　〃I've　scarcely　thought　about　him；〃　she　replied；　surprised　by　the　truth　of　this。
　〃Out　of　sight；　out　of　mind；　eh？　Ah；　I'm　so　glad　I　can't　feel　love。　The　misery　of　it。　The　sheer；　unadulterated　misery。〃　He　mused　a　moment；　then　said；　〃This　is　so　much　like　the　first　time；　you　know。　Lovers　yearning；　worlds　trembling。　Of　course　last　time　I　was　merely　a　spear…carrier。　This　time　I　intend　to　be　the　prince。〃
　〃What　do　you　mean；　I　was　born　to　fall　for　Godolphin？　I　don't　even　remember　being　born。〃
　〃I　think　it's　time　you　did；〃　Dowd　said；　tossing　away　the　flower　as　he　approached　her。　〃Though　these　rites　of　passage　are　never　very　easy；　lovey；　so　brace　yourself。　At　least　you've　picked　a　good　spot。　We　can　dangle　our　feet　over　the　edge　while　we　talk　about　how　you　came　into　the　world。〃
　〃Oh；　no；〃　she　said。　〃I'm　not　going　near　that　hole。〃
　〃You　think　I　want　to　kill　you？〃　he　said。　〃I　don't。　I　just　want　you　to　unburden　yourself　of　a　few　memories。　That's　not　asking　too　much；　is　it？　Be　fair。　I've　given　you　a　glimpse　of　what's　in　my　heart。　Now　show　me　yours。〃　He　took　hold　of　her　wrist　〃I　won't　take　no　for　an　answer；〃　he　said；　and　drew　her　to　the　edge　of　the　well。
　She'd　not　ventured　this　close　before；　and　its　proximity　was　vertiginous。　Though　she　cursed　him　for　having　the　strength　to　drag　her　here；　she　was　glad　he　had　her　in　a　tight　hold。
　〃Do　you　want　to　sit？〃　he　said。　She　shook　her　head。　〃As　you　like；〃　he　went　on。　〃There's　more　chance　of　your　falling；　but　it's　your　decision。　You've　bee　a　very　self…willed　woman；　lovey；　I've　noticed　that。　You　were　malleable　enough　at　the　beginning。　That　was　the　way　you　were　bred　to　be；　of　course。〃
　〃I　wasn't　bred　to　be　anything。〃
　〃How　do　you　know？〃　he　said。　〃Two　minutes　ago　you　were　claiming　you　don't　even　remember　the　past。　How　do　you　know　what　you　were　meant　to　be？　Made　to　be？〃　He　glanced　down　the　well。　〃The　memory's　in　your　head　somewhere；　lovey。　You　just　have　to　be　willing　to　coax　it　out。　If　Quaisoir　sought　some　Goddess；　maybe　you　did　too；　even　if　you　don't　remember　it。　And　if　you　did；　then　maybe　you're　more　than　Joshua's　Peachplum。　Maybe　you've　got　some　place　in　the　action　I　haven't　accounted　for。〃
　〃Where　would　I　meet　Goddesses；　Dowd？〃　Jude　replied。　〃I've　lived　in　the　Fifth；　in　London；　in　Notting　Hill　Gate。　There　are　no　Goddesses。〃
　Even　as　she　spoke　she　thought　of　Celestine；　buried　beneath　the　Tabula　Rasa's　tower。　Was　she　a　sister　to　the　deities　that　haunted　Yzordderrex？　A　transforming　force；　locked　away　by　a　sex　that　worshiped　fixedness？　At　the　memory　of　the　prisoner；　and　her　cell；　Jude's　mind　grew　suddenly　light；　as　though　she'd　downed　a　whisky　on　an　empty　stomach。　She　had　been　touched　by　the　miraculous；　after　all。　So　if　once；　why　not　many　times？　If　now；　why　not　in　her　forgotten　past？
　〃I've　got　no　way　back；〃　she　said；　protesting　the　difficulty　of　this　as　much　for　her　own　benefit　as　Dowd's。
　〃It's　easy；〃　he　replied。　〃Just　think　of　what　it　was　like　to　be　born。〃
　〃I　don't　even　remember　my　childhood。〃
　〃You　had　no　childhood；　lovey。　You　had　no　adolescence。　You　were　born　just　the　way　you　are；　overnight。　Quaisoir　was　the　first　Judith；　and　you；　my　sweet；　are　only　her　replica。　Perfect；　maybe；　but　stilt　a　replica。〃
　〃I　won't。。。　I　don't。。。　believe　you。〃
　〃Of　course　you　must　refuse　the　truth　at　first。　It's　perfectly　understandable。　But　your　body　knows　what's　true　and　what　isn't。　You're　shaking；　inside　and　out。。。。〃
　〃I'm　tired；〃　she　said；　knowing　the　explanation　was　pitifully　weak。
　〃You're　feeling　more　than　weary；〃　Dowd　said。　〃Admit　it。〃
　As　he　pried；　she　remembered　the　results　of　his　last　revelations　about　her　past：　how　she'd　dropped　to　the　kitchen　floor；　hamstrung　by　invisible　knives。　She　dared　not　succumb　to　such　a　collapse　now；　with　the　well　a　foot　from　where　she　stood；　and　Dowd　knew　it。
　〃You　have　to　face　the　memories；〃　he　was　saying。　〃Just　spit　them　out。　Go　on。　You'll　feel　better　for　it；　I　promise　you。〃
　She　could　feel　both　her　limbs　and　her　resolve　weakening　as　he　spoke；　but　the　prospect　of　facing　whatever　lay　in　the　darkness　at　the　back　of　her　skull…and　however　much　she　distrusted　Dowd；　she　didn't　doubt　there　was　something　horrendous　there…was　almost　as　terrifying　as　the　thought　of　the　well　taking　her。　Perhaps　it　would　be　better　to　die　here　and　now；　two　sisters　extinguished　within　the　same　hour；　and　never　know　whether　Dowd's　claims　were　true　or　not。　But　then　suppose　he'd　been　lying　to　her　all　along…the　actor　chappie's　finest　performance　yet…and　she　was　not　a　shadow；　not　a　replica；　not　a　thing　bred　to　do　service；　but　a　natural　child　with　natural　parents：　a　creature　unto　herself；　real；　plete？　Then　she'd　be　giving　herself　to　death　out　of　fear　of　self…discovery；　and　Dowd　would　have　claimed　another　victim。　The　only　way　to　defeat　him　was　to　call　his　bluff；　to　do　as　he　kept　urging　her　to　do　and　go　into　the　darkness　at　the　back　of　her　head；　ready　to　embrace　whatever　revelations　it　concealed。　Whichever　Judith　she　was；　she　was；　whether　real　or　replica；　natural　or　bred。　There　was　no　escape　from　herself　in　the　living　world。　Better　to　know　the　truth；　once　and　for　all。
　The　decision　ignited　a　flame　in　her　skull；　and　the　first　phantoms　of　the　past　appeared　in　her　mind's　eye。
　〃Oh；　my　Goddess；〃　she　murmured；　throwing　back　her　head。　〃What　is　this？　What　is　this？〃
　She　saw　herself　lying　on　bare　boards　in　an　empty　room；　a　fire　burning　in　the　grate；　warming　her　in　her　sleep　and　flattering　her　nakedness　with　its　tuster。　Somebody　had　marked　her　body　while　she　slept；　daubing　upon　it　a　design　she　recognized…the　glyph　she'd　first　seen　in　her　mind's　eye　when　she'd　made　love　with　Oscar；　then　glimpsed　again　as　she　passed　between　Dominions…the　spiraling　sign　of　her　flesh；　here　painted　on　flesh　itself　in　half　a　dozen　colors。
　She　moved　in　her　sleep；　and　the　whorls　seemed　to　leave　traces　of　themselves　in　the　air　where　she'd　been；　their　persistence　exciting　another　motion；　this　other　in　the　ring　of　sand　that　bounded　her　hard　bed。　It　rose　around　her　like　the　curtain　of　the　Borealis；　shimmering　with　the　same　colors　in　which　her　glyph　had　been　painted；　as　though　something　of　her　essential　anatomy　was　in　the　very　air　of　the　room。　She　was　entranced　by　the　beauty　of　the　sight。
　〃What　are　you　seeing？〃　she　heard　Dowd　asking　her。
　〃Me；〃　she　said；　〃lying　on　the　floor　。。。　in　a　circle　of　sand。。。。〃
　〃Are　you　sure　it's　you？〃　he　said。
　She　was　about　to　pour　scorn　on　his　question；　when　she　realized　its　import。　Perhaps　this　wasn't　her；　but　her　sister。
　〃Is　there　any　way　of　knowing？〃　she　said。
　〃You'll　soon　see；〃　he　told　her。
　So　she　did。　The　curtain　of　sand　began　to　wave　more　violently；　as　if　seized　by　a　wind　unleashed　within　the　circle。　Particles　flew　from　it；　intensifying　as　they　were　thrown　against　the　dark　air：　motes　of　the　purest　color　rising　like　new　stars；　then　dropping　again；　burning　in　their　descent；　towards　the　place　where　she；　the　witness；　lay。　She　was　lying　on　the　ground　close　to　her　sister；　receiving　the　rain　of　color　like　a　grateful　earth；　needing　its　sustenance　if　she　was　to　grow　and　swell　and　bee　fruitful。
　〃What　am　I？〃　she　said；　following　the　fall　of　color　to　snatch　a　glimpse　of　the　ground　it　was　falling　upon。
　The　beauty　of　what　she'd　seen　so　far　had　lulled　her　into　vulnerability。　When　she　saw　her　own　unfinished　body；　the　shock　threw　her　out　of　the　rem