gs.earthabides-第25节

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　　He　felt　a　quick　rebound　of　excitement；　at　opportunity　regranted；　when　he　looked　out　in　the　early　darkness　after　supper；　and　suddenly　saw　a　faint　but　unmistakable　light。　He　hesitated　no　longer。　Now；　instead　of　temporizing；　he　called　Princess；　got　into　the　car；　and　drove　in　that　direction。　
　　It　was　a　slow　process。　His　seeing　the　light　must　mean　merely　that　the　windows　of　that　house　happened　to　face　his　porch；　probably　he　could　not　have　seen　it　at　all　before　the　storm　had　blown　down　most　of　the　leaves。　As　soon　as　he　left　the　house；　he　could　no　longer　see　the　light。　He　drove　back　and　forth　along　the　streets　for　half　an　hour；　finally　relocated　it；　drove　slowly　down　the　right　street　and　past　the　proper　house。　The　shades　had　been　pulled；　but　there　was　light　shining　through；　even　illun…finating　the　street　a　little。　It　was　bright；　probably　from　a　gasoline　lamp。　
　　He　brought　the　car　to　a　stop　on　the　opposite　side　of　the　street；　and　waited　a　moment。　Apparently；　whoever　was　inside　the　house　had　not　heard　the　motor。　For　a　moment　still　he　hesitated；　almost　ready　now　to　put　the　car　into　gear　again　and　slide　off　undiscovered。　Yet；　from　some　deeper　drive　within　him；　he　leaned　forward；　and　half　opened　the　car　door　as　if　to　get　out。　Suddenly　Princess　leaped　by　him；　and　ran　toward　the　house　with　a　fury　of　barking。　She　must　have　scented　whoever　was　there。　With　a　sudden　curse；　he　got　out；　and　started　…　to　walk　after　her。　She　had　tipped　his　hand；　this　time；　for　certain。　He　hesitated　again；　suddenly　realizing　he　was　unarmed。　Yet　to　advance　against　the　house　carrying　a　gun　was　not　a　good　opening。　Without　much　thought　he　reached　back　into　the　car；　and　grabbed　his　old　hammer。　Holding　it　in　his　hand；　he　advanced　after　the　dog。　In　the　window　of　the　house　he　saw　a　shadow　move。　
　　When　he　had　gained　the　sidewalk；　the　house…door　opened　a　few　inches；　and　suddenly　the　beam　of　a　flashlight　caught　him。　He　could　see　nothing　beyond　it。　He　stopped；　waiting　for　what　the　other　person　would　have　to　say。　Princess　scuttled　back；　suddenly　silent。　Ish　had　the　unfortable　feeling　that　whoever　was　keeping　him　covered　with　the　flashlight　had　him　covered　also　with　a　gun　held　in　the　other　hand。　With　the　light　in　his　eyes；　he　was　blinded。　This　had　been　a　crazy　thing　to　do；　he　thought；　an　approach　under　cover　of　darkness　always　looked　suspicious；　and　made　people　nervous。　At　least　he　was　glad　that　he　had　shaved　that　morning；　and　that　his　clothes　looked　moderately　clean。　
　　There　was　a　long　pause。　He　stood　waiting　for　the　sharply　barked　question…the　inevitable；　if　slightly　ridiculous；　〃Who　are　you？〃　or　else　for　that　curt　order；　〃Put　up　your　hands！〃　That　was　why　he　had　a　sudden　gasp　of　surprise　when　a　woman's　voice　came　with　an　affirmation：　〃That's　a　beautiful　dog！〃　
　　There　was　a　momentary　silence；　the　memory　of　the　voice　in　his　ears　was　gentle　and　low；　with　a　touch　of　some　soft　accent　in　it。　At　the　sound　he　felt　warm　feelings　rise　up　within　him。　
　　Now　the　light　fell　from　his　eyes；　illuminating　a　path　ahead　of　him；　and　Princess　bounded　up　through　the　beam　of　light；　her　tail　wagging　in　joy。　The　door　of　the　house　moved　open　wide；　and　against　the　dim　light　behind　her；　he　saw　a　woman　on　her　knees　patting　the　dog。　He　walked　up　toward　her；　still　with　the　hammer　dangling　ridiculously　but　fortably　from　his　hand。　
　　Then　Princess；　in　a　sudden　flurry　of　excitement；　burst　away　and　went　tearing　into　the　house。　The　woman　leaped　up　with　an　exclamation；　half…screamed；　half…laughed；　and　also　dashed　in。　〃My　God；　she　must　have　a　cat！〃　thought　Ish；　and　rushed　after　her。　
　　But　when　he　arrived　in　the　living…room；　Princess　was　merely　dashing　around　the　table　and　smelling　at　the　chairs　and　the　woman　was　standing　erect　beside　a　gasoline　lamp　sheltering　it　against　being　overthrown　by　the　excited　dog。　
　　She　was　above　middle　height；　brunette；　not　very　young…no　mere　girl；　certainly；　but　a　fully　developed　woman。　
　　She　glanced　at　the　antics　of　the　scampering　dog　and　laughed；　and　the　sound　of　laughter　was　like　something　remembered　from　Paradise　long　ago。　She　turned　to　him；　and　he　saw　the　flash　of　white　teeth　in　the　dark　face。　Then　suddenly　a　barrier　burst　within　him；　and　he　laughed　joyously。　
　　After　a　moment　she　spoke　again；　neither　questioning　nor　demanding。　〃It's　good　to　see　someone。〃　This　time　Ish　replied；　but　he　could　think　of　nothing　better　than　an　apology　for　the　ridiculous　hammer　which　still　dangled　from　his　hand。　〃Pardon　me　for　bringing　this　thing　in；〃　he　said；　and　set　it　down　on　the　floor　upon　its　head　with　the　handle　sticking　stiffly　into　the　air。　
　　〃Don't　worry；〃　she　said；　〃I　understand。　I　went　through　it　too…having　to　have　something　around　to　make　you　feel　fortable。　Like　a　pocket…piece　or　a　rabbit…foot；　you　remember。　We're　still　about　the　same　as　we　used　to　be；　all　of　us。〃　
　　After　the　sudden　release　of　the　laughter；　he　was　trembling。　All　his　body　seemed　growing　weak。　He　felt；　almost　physically；　more　barriers　breaking…those　necessary　barriers　of　defense；　built　up　through　the　months　of　loneliness　and　desperation。　He　must　touch　another　human　being；　and　he　put　forward　his　hand　in　the　old　conventional　gesture　of　the　handshake。　She　took　it；　and　doubtless　as　she　noticed　his　trembling；　she　drew　him　toward　a　chair　and　almost　pushed　him　into　it。　As　he　sat　down；　she　patted　his　shoulder　lightly。　
　　She　spoke　again；　once　more　neither　questioning　nor　manding：　〃I'll　get　you　something　to　eat。〃　
　　He　did　not　protest；　though　he　had　just　eaten　heartily。　But　he　knew　that　behind　her　quiet　affirmation　lay　something　more　than　any　call　of　the　body　for　food。　There　was　need　now　for　the　symbolic　eating　together；　that　first　mon　bond　of　human　beings…the　sitting　at　the　same　table；　the　sharing　of　the　bread　and　salt。　
　　Now　they　were　sitting　opposite　each　other。　They　ate　a　little；　more　in　symbol　than　in　reality。　There　was　fresh　bread。　〃I　made　it　myself；〃　she　said；　〃but　it's　getting　hard　to　find　flour　now　that's　got　no　weevils　in　it。〃　There　was　no　butter；　but　honey　and　jam　for　the　bread；　and　a　bottle　of　red　wine。　
　　And　now；　like　a　child；　he　began　to　talk。　This　was　nothing　like　that　time　when　he　had　sat　with　Nfilt　and　Ann　on　Riverside　Drive。　Then　the　barriers　had　still　been　up。　Now；　for　the　first　time；　he　talked　of　all　those　days。　He　showed　even　the　little　scar　of　the　fangs　on　his　hand　and　the　larger　scars　where　he　had　slashed　himself　to　apply　the　suction…pump。　He　told　of　his　fear　and　of　his　flight　and　of　the　Great　Loneliness　that　he　had　never　quite　dared　face　or　imagine。　And　as　he　talked；　she　often　said；　〃Yes；　I　know。　Yes；　I　remember　that；　too。　Tell　me　more。〃　
　　As　for　her；　she　had　seen　the　catastrophe　itself。　She　had　faced　more　than　he　had；　and　yet　he　could　see　that　she　had　e　through　better　than　he。　She　talked　little；　seeming　to　have　no　need；　but　she　drew　him　on。　
　　As　he　talked　with　her；　he　knew　now　at　last　that　this；　at　least　as　far　as　he　was　concerned；　was　no　mere　casual　meeting…or　passing　moment。　In　this　lay　all　the　future。　Since　the　disaster　he　had　seen　men　and　women　here　and　there；　and　no　one　before　had　ever　held　him。　Perhaps　time　had　healed　him。　More　likely；　she　herself　was　different。　
　　Yet　she　was　a　woman。　As　the　minutes　slipped　by；　he　sensed　that　basic　reality　more　and　more；　with　an　intensity　that　made　him　tremble。　As　between　man　and　man　the　breaking　of　bread　was　the　reality；　the　shared　table；　all　the　symbol　needed。　But　as　between　man　and　woman　there　must　be　still　more；　in　reality　and　in　symbol；　a　further　sharing。　
　　They　realized　suddenly　that　neither　knew　the　other's　name　although　each　had　been　calling　the　dog　Princess。　
　　〃Isherwood；〃　he　said。　〃That　was　my　mother's　maiden　name　and　so　she　stuck　it　on　me。　Bad；　wasn't　it？　Everybody　called　me　'Ish。'〃　
　　〃I'm　Em！〃　she　said。　〃Emma；　that　is；　of　course。　Ish　and　Em！　We　won't　get　very　far　writing　poetry　about　that　bination！〃　And　she　laughed。　And　they　laughed　together。　
　　Laughter…that　was　another　sharing！　And　yet　it　was　not　the　final　one。　There　were　ways　these　things　were　done。　He　had　known　men　who　could　do　them；　had　seen　them　at　work。　But　he；　Ish；　was　not　the　right　kind。　All　those　qualities　which　had　permitted　him　to　be　by　himself　and　survive　through　the　bad　days；　alone…all　those　qualities　now　came　up　to　work　against　him。　And　he　sensed　too；　very　deeply；　that　they　would　be　wrong。　The　old　methods　had　worked　in　the　days　when　there　were　girls　in　every　cocktail…bar；　looking　for　adventure。　But　now　such　methods　were　not　right；　he　knew；　and　knew　deeply…at　this　time；　when　the　vast　city　stretched　away　empty　in　all　directions　outside　of　the　windows　and　all　the　ways　of　the　world　had　vanished　and　this　woman　had　lived　through　all　the　catastrophe　and　the　fear　and　the　loneliness　and　now　had　e　out　on　the　other　side；　still　with　courage　in　her　eyes；　and　affirmation；　and　laughter。　
　　For　a　wild　moment　he　had　an　idea　that　they　might　say　some　kind　of　marriage　vows。　Quakers　could　marry　themselves。　Why　couldn't　others？　They　could　stand　up　together；　and　face　toward　the　east　where　the　morning　sun　would　rise。　And　then　he　sensed　that　the　mere　babbling　of　words　was　in　itself　much　more　dishonest　even　than　a　straightforward　feeling　for　the　knee　under　the　table。　He　realized　that　he　had　been　silent　for　what　might　have　been　a　full　minu