dclegg.purity-第2节
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t us。
But I suppose all this anger came about because of those first few days of life。
These things aren't spoken of much in families … how we each came to be。 My mother suffered through bouts of depression； particularly in the winter； and she would stand in front of her bedroom window； looking out across the Sound； her face a shimmering reflection in the thick windowglass； and tell me all about myself。
She told me that when I was six weeks old； she realized I had never really cried； at least not the way babies were supposed to。 Instead； I would turn red； and my mouth would open； and I'd scream。 That's how she'd know I was hungry or needed changing。 Because she was so grateful to have a child after she felt God had taken away her first in retribution for youthful transgressions； she tried not to think about what my lack of tears might mean。
As she'd tell this kind of story； I'd shift unfortably on her bed； wishing she'd release me from this kind of intimacy … the closeness of her depression； the morbid way her mind would pick over my birth and early years。
〃I'm so sorry that you turned out this way；〃 she said； once； her hands going up to her face。 〃I'm happy you're so smart。 Not like your father。 But this madness that es over you。。。〃
I remained silent； letting her have her feelings。 I didn't understand then to what she referred … I was not mad。 I took the ferry to go to school over on the mainland and did quite well in school。 The ferry takes an hour and a half in the winter； and only runs twice a day … for school hours； since Outerbridge had no school of its own。 Thus； I spent many nights with my Aunt Susan in Rhode Island； and learned more about my mother's mother than I had ever wanted to know。 I also managed … through my cousin Davy … to make friends off…island； friends who believed I was like them。 And I had a lot of friends as a child。 Although I was not considered handsome at first … at least by my mother who found my hair to be too ominous in some way； my eyes too blue and perhaps too sharp； my manner arrogant （even as an eight…year…old； she'd called me that） … I began learning the secret of athletics early； and applied myself to molding my body the same way I went about molding my mind： I studied and read and found the boys who seemed to know what they were doing； and I gravitated towards them。 I learned what they knew by nature。 I was uncoordinated in most sports； until I realized that； as in all things； it was about breathing。
This is one of the secrets of life： it's all about breathing。
5
Voices in the dark：
〃It's all right； I know you。 I know what we both want。〃
〃Shut up。 Just shut up。〃
〃e here。 e here。 Let me help you。 It's all right。 It feels good。〃
〃No； not like this。 No。〃
〃I've been so lonely。〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Wanting this。〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Since the first time I saw you。〃
〃Oh。〃
6
Have you ever felt that you would do anything to be with someone？
I almost feel sorry for you； if you haven't。
7
The purity of life is in the secrets … they're simple； they say everything； they are there for anyone； but we must wake up to the purity first in order to understand the secrets。
My pursuit of physical excellence began early。 I tackled solitary athletics since this seemed best for my character。 They were also cheaper。 My family was poor … have I mentioned that？ Not poor poor。 Not 〃out in the street with no food〃 poor； but poor nonetheless。 My mother's first husband had been rich； but had been a gambler。 My mother … I should call her Boston； for that's what my father called her even though her name was Helen … had been the fifth daughter in a wealthy family who had married well the first time around。
But that man … someone I had never in my life heard of beyond knowing he existed … apparently lost all his and Helen's money； and soon she found my father； a good man one would suppose； who began his work life as a groundskeeper at the Smithsonian Museum in Washington； DC； but ended up working as a gardener for rich folk。 It paid well enough … like I said； we weren't poor poor。
My father probably would've had more money； but he had a sister who was dying … for years … down in Annapolis； Maryland； and he was her only support。 So； according to my mother； half of his ine went to her uping。 〃She has the longest…lived cancer I've ever heard of；〃 she'd say； sometimes right in front of him。
Of course； this wasn't all there was to it； but if I tell you all the secrets of the world at once； you'll either be dazzled or overwhelmed； and there's no point in making it all explode right now。 You'll want to know why breathing is one of the secrets of life。
All right； do you know how breathing is voluntary？ I've heard that people with dementia sometimes end up forgetting how to breathe。 That's a terrible way to die； although one would suppose that any method of dying would be awful。 Well； breathing is the essential ponent of acplishing anything。
I observed this early … I was on the school bus； and I noticed a little girl next to me who was terrified of an uping test we were about to take。 She would； in fact； stop breathing for seconds at a time。 I began to count her breaths； and I saw that for every four I took； she took one。 I suggested to her that she try just concentrating on her breathing。 After a bit of persuasion； she did。 It didn't seem to work。 I withdrew my father's pocketwatch … the one I'd stolen （yes； I stole things regularly around the house。 I have reasons； none of which you want to know。） I had learned a bit about hypnosis； so I asked her to stare long and hard at the brass of the watch as the sunlight reflected on it。 She asked me if I'd be putting her under。 I told her no。 This was； after all； just suggestion； nothing more。 I would suggest something to her and would hope that her mind would accept it。 Of course； I was a child。 I didn't say it that way。 I said it in some little boy way。 But eventually； staring at the watch so much that her eyes teared up； I began to help modulate her breathing。 By the time we reached school； she wasn't half as upset anymore about the test。
I began asking the other boys … the older ones who were good at softball and running … what their secrets were。 To get their secrets； I entertained them with my modest ventriloquism skills … I could do bird calls and the sounds of crickets and even get a brief sentence out without moving my lips。
Boys like entertainment … so they opened up and told me about athletics and sports。
They all said screwy things； but what I noticed were two solid answers：
breathing and imagination。
They made sure that they breathed through everything。 They also imagined that they would win。
This was a huge revelation to me； since I had never felt that I could win anything。 I realized that these other boys were winners in athletics because they in fact believed they were … whether from coaches； friends； family or whomever … and because they did not stop breathing。 They used their breathing … without even knowing it … to help keep their bodies working。
All right； that sounds simplistic。 But I believe that the simplest things can lead to the strongest results。
So； I began working on breathing。
This was not merely inhaling and exhaling； but swimming at the beach in the icy spring and holding my breath under water。 After all； if I were going to be lord of my own breath； I needed to master everything about it； didn't I？ I wasn't sure that I'd ever be a great breath…holder； because I never seemed able to go much beyond a minute。 I was holding on too much to my fear of dying。
This is one of the first lessons about breathing … if you have breath within your lungs； you will not die。 Death es once there is no more breath。
Again； simple。 Again； true。
〃Owen；〃 my mother said； pinning the laundry up outside the cottage that the Montgomery's housed us in。 〃What in god's name are you doing？〃
I had e up after logging in a minute…and…a…half beneath the water； right at the rocky ledge。 I had just leaned over and thrust my face underwater。
I was eleven at the time。 I tried to explain to her the principle behind my experiment； but she did not seem to understand。 However； within a few short months； I had bee best friends to the captain of the swim team in seventh grade； and by fall； I was running cross country。 I would never be the best … this was not my goal after all。 I would be a winner。
In fact； I knew I would close in on this with each sport or endeavor I tried … the other kids were lazy。 Life and their families made them that way。 I did not intend to let a day go which I could not claim as my own。 I was going to own life in a way that neither of my parents ever had。
Academics slipped in my middle school years … but not enough for anyone to notice。 I read studiously； and never for enjoyment； but to understand systems of thought that the world was trying to push at us。 I learned quickly that an A＋ in school sometimes meant a D… in life； and that in fact equal effort had to be made to excel in both spheres。 Breathing helped。
When I felt overwhelmed by it all； I practiced my breathing again。 Even in December； when the island was desolate and the water was cold enough to drown； I would leap int
