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animals is base or is heroic; and our preferences in the matter

of religious and political parties; and our acceptance or

rejection of the Shakespeares and the Author Ortons and the Mrs。

Eddys。  We get them all at second hand; we reason none of them

out for ourselves。  It is the way we are made。  It is the way we

are all made; and we can't help it; we can't change it。  And

whenever we have been furnished a fetish; and have been taught to

believe in it; and love it and worship it; and refrain from

examining it; there is no evidence; howsoever clear and strong;

that can persuade us to withdraw from it our loyalty and our

devotion。  In morals; conduct; and beliefs we take the color of

our environment and associations; and it is a color that can

safely be warranted to wash。  Whenever we have been furnished

with a tar baby ostensibly stuffed with jewels; and warned that

it will be dishonorable and irreverent to disembowel it and test

the jewels; we keep our sacrilegious hands off it。  We submit;

not reluctantly; but rather gladly; for we are privately afraid

we should find; upon examination that the jewels are of the sort

that are manufactured at North Adams; Mass。



I haven't any idea that Shakespeare will have to vacate his

pedestal this side of the year 2209。  Disbelief in him cannot

come swiftly; disbelief in a healthy and deeply…loved tar baby

has never been known to disintegrate swiftly; it is a very slow

process。  It took several thousand years to convince our fine

raceincluding every splendid intellect in itthat there is no

such thing as a witch; it has taken several thousand years to

convince the same fine raceincluding every splendid intellect

in itthat there is no such person as Satan; it has taken

several centuries to remove perdition from the Protestant

Church's program of post…mortem entertainments; it has taken a

weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up

infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can; and it

looks as if their Scotch brethren will still be burning babies in

the everlasting fires when Shakespeare comes down from his perch。



We are The Reasoning Race。  We can't prove it by the above

examples; and we can't prove it by the miraculous 〃histories〃

built by those Stratfordolaters out of a hatful of rags and a

barrel of sawdust; but there is a plenty of other things we can

prove it by; if I could think of them。  We are The Reasoning

Race; and when we find a vague file of chipmunk…tracks stringing

through the dust of Stratford village; we know by our reasoning

bowers that Hercules has been along there。  I feel that our

fetish is safe for three centuries yet。  The bust; toothere in

the Stratford Church。  The precious bust; the priceless bust; the

calm bust; the serene bust; the emotionless bust; with the dandy

mustache; and the putty face; unseamed of carethat face which

has looked passionlessly down upon the awed pilgrim for a hundred

and fifty years and will still look down upon the awed pilgrim

three hundred more; with the deep; deep; deep; subtle; subtle;

subtle expression of a bladder。









XII





Irreverence



One of the most trying defects which I find in thesethese

what shall I call them? for I will not apply injurious epithets

to them; the way they do to us; such violations of courtesy being

repugnant to my nature and my dignity。  The farthest I can go in

that direction is to call them by names of limited reverence

names merely descriptive; never unkind; never offensive; never

tainted by harsh feeling。  If THEY would do like this; they would

feel better in their hearts。  Very well; thento proceed。  One

of the most trying defects which I find in these

Stratfordolaters; these Shakesperiods; these thugs; these

bangalores; these troglodytes; these herumfrodites; these

blatherskites; these buccaneers; these bandoleers; is their

spirit of irreverence。  It is detectable in every utterance of

theirs when they are talking about us。  I am thankful that in me

there is nothing of that spirit。  When a thing is sacred to me it

is impossible for me to be irreverent toward it。  I cannot call

to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent;

except towards the things which were sacred to other people。  Am

I in the right?  I think so。  But I ask no one to take my

unsupported word; no; look at the dictionary; let the dictionary

decide。  Here is the definition:





IRREVERENCE。  The quality or condition of irreverence toward

God and sacred things。





What does the Hindu say?  He says it is correct。  He says

irreverence is lack of respect for Vishnu; and Brahma; and

Chrishna; and his other gods; and for his sacred cattle; and for

his temples and the things within them。  He endorses the

definition; you see; and there are 300;000;000 Hindus or their

equivalents back of him。



The dictionary had the acute idea that by using the capital

G it could restrict irreverence to lack of reverence for OUR

Deity and our sacred things; but that ingenious and rather sly

idea miscarried:  for by the simple process of spelling HIS

deities with capitals the Hindu confiscates the definition and

restricts it to his own sects; thus making it clearly compulsory

upon us to revere HIS gods and HIS sacred things; and nobody's

else。  We can't say a word; for he had our own dictionary at his

back; and its decision is final。



This law; reduced to its simplest terms; is this:

1。 Whatever is sacred to the Christian must be held in reverence by

everybody else; 2。  whatever is sacred to the Hindu must be held

in reverence by everybody else; 3。  therefore; by consequence;

logically; and indisputably; whatever is sacred to ME must be

held in reverence by everybody else。



Now then; what aggravates me is that these troglodytes and

muscovites and bandoleers and buccaneers are ALSO trying to crowd

in and share the benefit of the law; and compel everybody to

revere their Shakespeare and hold him sacred。  We can't have

that:  there's enough of us already。  If you go on widening and

spreading and inflating the privilege; it will presently come to

be conceded that each man's sacred things are the ONLY ones; and

the rest of the human race will have to be humbly reverent toward

them or suffer for it。  That can surely happen; and when it

happens; the word Irreverence will be regarded as the most

meaningless; and foolish; and self…conceited; and insolent; and

impudent; and dictatorial word in the language。  And people will

say; 〃Whose business is it what gods I worship and what things

hold sacred?  Who has the right to dictate to my conscience; and

where did he get that right?〃



We cannot afford to let that calamity come upon us。  We must

save the word from this destruction。  There is but one way to do

it; and that is to stop the spread of the privilege and strictly

confine it to its present limitsthat is; to all the Christian

sects; to all the Hindu sects; and me。  We do not need any more;

the stock is watered enough; just as it is。



It would be better if the privilege were limited to me

alone。  I think so because I am the only sect that knows how to

employ it gently; kindly; charitably; dispassionately。  The other

sects lack the quality of self…restraint。  The Catholic Church

says the most irreverent things about matters which are sacred to

the Protestants; and the Protestant Church retorts in kind about

the confessional and other matters which Catholics hold sacred;

then both of these irreverencers turn upon Thomas Paine and

charge HIM with irreverence。  This is all unfortunate; because it

makes it difficult for students equipped with only a low grade of

mentality to find out what Irreverence really IS。



It will surely be much better all around if the privilege of

regulating the irreverent and keeping them in order shall

eventually be withdrawn from all the sects but me。  Then there

will be no more quarreling; no more bandying of disrespectful

epithets; no more heartburnings。



There will then be nothing sacred involved in this Bacon…

Shakespeare controversy except what is sacred to me。  That will

simplify the whole matter; and trouble will cease。  There will be

irreverence no longer; because I will not allow it。  The first

time those criminals charge me with irreverence for calling their

Stratford myth an Arthur…Orton…Mary…Baker…Thompson…Eddy…Louis…

the…Seventeenth…Veiled…Prophet…of…Khorassan will be the last。

Taught by the methods found effective in extinguishing earlier

offenders by the Inquisition; of holy memory; I shall know how to

quiet them。







XIII





Isn't it odd; when you think of it; that you may list all

the celebrated Englishmen; Irishmen; and Scotchmen of modern

times; clear back to the first Tudorsa list containing five

hundred names; shall we say?and you can go to the histories;

biographies; and cyclopedias and learn the p

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