the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第7节

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of　their　chief；　now　began　to　sympathize　with　him；　and　resolved
to　whip　their　mock　foes　in　earnest。　　They　rushed　fiercely　upon
them；　but　the　British　were　really　the　stronger　party　and　drove
the　Americans　back。　　Not　content　with　this　they　charged　madly
upon　them　and　drove　them　from　the　fieldfrom　the　village；　in
fact。　　There　were　many　heads　damaged；　eyes　draped　in　mourning；
noses　fractured　and　legs　lamedit　is　a　wonder　that　no　one　was
killed　outright。

Washington　was　confined　to　his　house　for　several　weeks；　but　he
recovered　at　last。　　For　a　time　there　was　a　coolness　between
himself　and　Cornwallis；　but　they　finally　concluded　to　join　the
whole　county　in　laughing　about　the　surrender。

They　live　now。　　Time；　the　〃artist；〃　has　thoroughly　whitewashed
their　heads；　but　they　are　very　jolly　still。　　On　town　meeting
days　the　old　'Squire　always　rides　down　to　the　village。　　In　the
hind　part　of　his　venerable　yellow　wagon　is　always　a　bunch　of
hay；　ostensibly　for　the　old　white　horse；　but　really　to　hide　a
glass　bottle　from　the　vulgar　gaze。　　This　bottle　has　on　one
side　a　likeness　of　Lafayette；　and　upon　the　other　may　be　seen
the　Goddess　of　Liberty。　　What　the　bottle　contains　inside　I
cannot　positively　say；　but　it　is　true　that　'Squire　Wood　and
Lawyer　Jones　visit　that　bottle　very　frequently　on　town…meeting
days　and　come　back　looking　quite　red　in　the　face。　　When　this
redness　in　the　face　becomes　of　the　blazing　kind；　as　it
generally　does　by　the　time　the　polls　close；　a　short　dialogue
like　this　may　be　heard。

〃We　shall　never　play　surrender　again；　Lawyer　Jones。〃

〃Them　days　is　over；　'Squire　Wood！〃


2。8。　　THINGS　IN　NEW　YORK。

The　stoodent　and　connyseer　must　have　noticed　and　admired　in
varis　parts　of　the　United　States　of　America　large　yeller
hanbills；　which　not　only　air　gems　of　art　in　theirselves；　but
they　troothfully　sit　forth　the　attractions　of　my　showa　show；
let　me　here　obsarve；　that　contains　many　livin'　wild　animils；
every　one　of　which　has　got　a　Beautiful　Moral。

Them　hanbills　is　sculpt　in　New　York。

&　I　annoolly　repair　here　to　git　some　more　on　'um；

&；　bein'　here；　I　tho't　I'd　issoo　a　Adress　to　the　public　on
matters　and　things。

Since　last　I　meyandered　these　streets；　I　have　bin　all　over　the
Pacific　Slopes　and　Utah。　　I　cum　back　now；　with　my　virtoo
unimpaired；　but　I've　got　to　git　some　new　clothes。

Many　changes　has　taken　place；　even　durin'　my　short　absence；　&
sum　on　um　is　Sollum　to　contempulate。　　The　house　in　Varick
street；　where　I　used　to　Board；　is　bein'　torn　down。　　That
house；　which　was　rendered　memoriable　by　my　livin'　into　it；　is
〃parsin'　away！　parsin'　away！〃　　But　some　of　the　timbers　will　be
made　into　canes；　which　will　be　sold　to　my　admirers　at　the　low
price　of　one　dollar　each。　　Thus　is　changes　goin'　on
continerly。　　In　the　New　World　it　is　warin　the　Old　World
Empires　is　totterin'　&　Dysentaries　is　crumblin'。　　These　canes
is　cheap　at　a　dollar。

Sammy　Booth；　Duane　street；　sculps　my　hanbills；　&　he's　artist。
He　studid　in　RomeState　of　New　York。

I'm　here　to　read　the　proof…sheets　of　my　hanbils　as　fast　as
they're　sculpt。　　You　have　to　watch　these　ere　printers　pretty
close；　for　they're　jest　as　apt　to　spel　a　wurd　rong　as　anyhow。

But　I　have　time　to　look　around　sum　&　how　do　I　find　things？　　I
return　to　the　Atlantic　States　after　a　absence　of　ten　months；　&
what　State　do　I　find　the　country　in？　　Why　I　don't　know　what
State　I　find　it　in。　　Suffice　it　to　say；　that　I　do　not　find　it
in　the　State　of　New　Jersey。

I　find　sum　things　that　is　cheerin'；　particly　the　resolve　on
the　part　of　the　wimin　of　America　to　stop　wearin'　furrin　goods。

I　never　meddle　with　my　wife's　things。　　She　may　wear　muslin
from　Greenland's　icy　mountains；　and　bombazeen　from　Injy's
coral　strands；　if　she　wants　to；　but　I'm　glad　to　state　that
that　superior　woman　has　peeled　off　all　her　furrin　clothes　and
jumpt　into　fabrics　of　domestic　manufactur。

But；　says　sum　folks；　if　you　stop　importin'　things　you　stop　the
revenoo。　　That's　all　right。　　We　can　stand　it　if　the　Revenoo
can。　　On　the　same　principle　young　men　should　continer　to　get
drunk　on　French　brandy　and　to　smoke　their　livers　as　dry　as　a
corn…cob　with　Cuby　cigars　because　4…sooth　if　they　don't；　it
will　hurt　the　Revenoo！　　This　talk　'bout　the　Revenoo　is　of　the
bosh　boshy。　　One　thing　is　tol'bly　certinif　we　don't　send
gold　out　of　the　country　we　shall　have　the　consolation　of
knowing　that　it　is　in　the　country。　　So　I　say　great　credit　is
doo　the　wimin　for　this　patriotic　moveand　to　tell　the　trooth；
the　wimin　genrally　know　what　they're　bout。　　Of　all　the
blessins　they're　the　soothinist。　　If　there'd　never　bin　any
wimin；　where　would　my　children　be　to…day？

But　I　hope　this　move　will　lead　to　other　moves　that　air　just　as
much　needed；　one　of　which　is　a　genral　and　therrer　curtainment
of　expenses　all　round。　　The　fact　is　we　air　gettin'　ter'bly
extravgant；　and　onless　we　paws　in　our　mad　career　in　less　than
two　years　the　Goddess　of　Liberty　will　be　seen　dodgin'　into　a
Pawn　Broker's　shop　with　the　other　gown　done　up　in　a　bundle；
even　if　she　don't　have　to　Spout　the　gold　stars　in　her
head…band。　　Let　us　all　take　hold　jintly；　and　live　and　dress
centsibly；　like　our　forefathers　who　know'd　moren　we　do；　if
they　warnt　quite　so　honest！　　（Suttle　goaketh。）

There　air　other　cheerin'　signs　for　Ameriky。　　We　don't；　for
instuns；　lack　great　Gen'rals；　and　we　certinly　don't　brave
sojersbut　there's　one　thing　I　wish　we　did　lack；　and　that　is
our　present　Congress。

I　venture　to　say　that　if　you　sarch　the　earth　all　over　with　a
ten…hoss　power　mikriscope；　you　won't　be　able　to　find　such
another　pack　of　poppycock　gabblers　as　the　present　Congress　of
the　United　States　of　America　would　be　able　to　findfind　among
their　constituents。

Gentleman　of　the　Senit　&　of　the　House；　you've　sot　there　and
draw'd　your　pay　and　made　summer…complaint　speeches　long　enuff。
The　country　at　large；　incloodin'　the　undersined；　is　disgusted
with　you。　　Why　don't　you　show　us　a　statesmansumbody　who　can
make　a　speech　that　will　hit　the　pop'lar　hart　right　under　the
great　Public　weskit？　　Why　don't　you　show　us　a　statesman　who
can　rise　up　to　the　Emergency；　and　cave　in　the　Emergency's
head？

Congress；　you　won't　do。　　Go　home；　you　mizzerable　devilsgo
home！

At　a　special　Congressional　'lection　in　my　district　the　other
day　I　delib'ritly　voted　for　Henry　Clay。　　I　admit　that　Henry　is
dead；　but　inasmuch　as　we　don't　seem　to　have　a　live　statesman
in　our　National　Congress；　let　us　by　all　means　have　a　first…
class　corpse。

Them　who　think　that　a　cane　made　from　the　timbers　of　the　house
I　once　boarded　in　is　essenshall　to　their　happiness；　should　not
delay　about　sendin'　the　money　right　on　for　one。

My　reported　captur　by　the　North　American　savijis　of　Utah；　led
my　wide　circle　of　friends　and　creditors　to　think　that　I　had
bid　adoo　to　earthly　things　and　was　a　angel　playin'　on　a　golden
harp。　　Hents　my　rival　home　was　on　expected。

It　was　11；　P。M。；　when　I　reached　my　homestid　and　knockt　a
healthy　knock　on　the　door　thereof。

A　nightcap　thrusted　itself　out　of　the　front　chamber　winder。
（It　was　my　Betsy's　nightcap。）　　And　a　voice　said：

〃Who　is　it？〃

〃It　is　a　Man！〃　I　answered；　in　a　gruff　vois。

〃I　don't　b'lieve　it！〃　she　sed。

〃Then　come　down　and　search　me；〃　I　replied。

Then　resumin'　my　nat'ral　voice；　I　said；　〃It　is　your　own　A。　W。；
Betsy！　　Sweet　lady；　wake！　　Ever　of　thou！〃

〃Oh；〃　she　said；　〃it's　you；　is　it？　　I　thought　I　smelt
something。〃

But　the　old　girl　was　glad　to　see　me。

In　the　mornin'　I　found　that　my　family　were　entertainin'　a
artist　from　Philadelphy；　who　was　there　paintin'　some　startlin
water…falls　and　mountains；　and　I　morin　suspected　he　had　a
hankerin'　for　my　oldest　dauter。

〃Mr。　Skimmerhorn；　father；〃　sed　my　dauter。

〃Glad　to　see　you；　Sir！〃　I　replied　in　a　hospittle　vois〃Glad
to　see　you。〃

〃He　is　an　artist；　father；〃　sed　my　child。

〃A　whichist？〃

〃An　artist。　　A　painter。〃

〃And　glazier；〃　I　askt。　　〃Air　you　a　painter　and　glazier；　sir？〃

My　dauter　and　wife　was　mad；　but　I　couldn't　help　it；　I　felt　in
a　comikil　mood。

〃It　is　a　wonder　to　me；　Sir；〃　sed　the　artist；　〃considerin　what
a　widespread　reputation　you　have；　that　some　of　our　Eastern
managers　don't　secure　you。〃

〃It's　a　wonder　to　me；〃　said　I　to　my　wife；　〃that　somebody　don't
secure　him　with　a　chain。〃

After　breakfast　I　went　over　to　town　to　see　my　old　friends。
The　editor　of　the　〃Bugle〃　greeted　me　cordyully；　and　showed　me
the　follerin'　article　he'd　just　written　about　the　paper　on　the
other　side　of　the　street：

〃We　have　recently　put　up　in　our　office　an　entirely　new　sink；
of　unique　constructionwith　two　holes　through　which　the
soiled　water　may　pass　to　the　new　bucket　underneath。　　What　will
the　hell…hounds　of　〃The　Advertiser〃　say　to　this！　　We　shall
continue　to　make　improvements　as　fast　as　our　rapidly
increasing　business　may　warrant。　　Wonder　whether　a　certain
editor's　wife　thinks　she　can　palm　off　a　brass　watch…chain　on
this　community　for　a　gold　one？〃

〃That；〃　says　the　Editor；　〃hits　him　whar　he　lives。　　That　will
close　him　up　as　bad　as　it　did　when　I　wrote　an　article
ridicooling　his　sister；　who's　got　a　cock…eye。〃

A　few　days　after　my　return　I　was　shown　a　young　man；　who　says
he'll　be　Dam　if　he　goes　to　the　war。　　He　was　settin'　on　a
barrel；　and　was　indeed