the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第4节

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　　Show　me　your　tongue；　&c。；　&c。　　Sum　of　the　questions　was
sarcusstical。

The　company　filled　up　rapid；　and　last　Sunday　we　went　to　the
meetin　house　in　full　uniform。　　I　had　a　seris　time　gittin　into
my　military　harness；　as　it　was　bilt　for　me　many　years　ago；　but
I　finally　got　inside　of　it；　tho'　it　fitted　me　putty　clost。
Howsever；　onct　into　it；　I　lookt　finein　fact；　aw…inspirin。
〃Do　you　know　me；　Mrs。　Ward？〃　sed　I；　walking　into　the　kitchin。

〃Know　you；　you　old　fool？　　Of　course　I　do。〃

I　saw　at　once　she　did。

I　started　for　the　meetin　house；　and　I'm　afraid　I　tried　to　walk
too　strate；　for　I　cum　very　near　fallin　over　backards；　and　in
attemptin　to　recover　myself；　my　sword　got　mixed　up　with　my
legs；　and　I　fell　in　among　a　choice　collection　of　young　ladies；
who　was　standin　near　the　church　door　a…seein　the　sojer　boys
come　up。　　My　cockt　hat　fell　off；　and　sumhow　my　coat　tales　got
twisted　round　my　neck。　　The　young　ladies　put　their
handkerchers　to　their　mouths　and　remarked：　　〃Te　he；〃　while　my
ancient　female　single　friend；　Sary　Peasley；　bust　out　in　a　loud
larf。　　She　exercised　her　mouth　so　vilently　that　her　new　false
teeth　fell　out　onto　the　ground。

〃Miss　Peaseley；〃　sed　I；　gittin　up　and　dustin　myself；　〃you　must
be　more　careful　with　them　store　teeth　of　your'n　or　you'll　have
to　gum　it　agin！〃

Methinks　I　had　her。

I'd　bin　to　work　hard　all　the　week；　and　I　felt　rather　snoozy。
I'm　'fraid　I　did　git　half　asleep；　for　on　hearin　the　minister
ask；　〃Why　was　man　made　to　mourn？〃　I　sed；　〃I　giv　it　up；〃　havin
a　vague　idee　that　it　was　a　condrum。　　It　was　a　onfortnit
remark；　for　the　whole　meetin　house　lookt　at　me　with　mingled
surprise　and　indignation。　　I　was　about　risin　to　a　pint　of
order；　when　it　suddenly　occurd　to　me　whare　I　was；　and　I　kept
my　seat；　blushin　like　the　red；　red　roseso　to　speak。

The　next　mornin　I　'rose　with　the　lark　（N。B。I　don't　sleep
with　the　lark；　tho。'　　A　goak）。

My　little　dawter　was　execootin　ballids；　accompanyin　herself
with　the　Akordeon；　and　she　wisht　me　to　linger　and　hear　her
sing：　　〃Hark　I　hear　a　angel　singin；　a　angel　now　is　onto　the
wing。〃

〃Let　him　fly；　my　child！〃　sed　I；　a…bucklin　on　my　armer；　〃I　must
forth　to　my　Biz。〃

We　air　progressin　pretty　well　with　our　drill。　　As　all　air
commandin　offissers；　there　ain't　no　jelusy；　and　as　we　air　all
exceedin　smart；　it　t'aint　worth　while　to　try　to　outstrip　each
other。　　The　idee　of　a　company　composed　excloosively　of
Commanders…in…Chiefs；　orriggernated；　I　spose　I　skurcely　need
say；　in　these　Brane。　　Considered　AS　a　idee；　I　flatter　myself
it　is　putty　hefty。　　We've　got　all　the　tackticks　at　our　tongs'
ends；　but　what　we　particly　excel　in　is　restin　muskits。　　We　can
rest　muskits　with　anybody。

Our　corpse　will　do　its　dooty。　　We　go　to　the　aid　of　Columbywe
fight　for　the　stars！

We'll　be　chopt　into　sassige　meat　before　we'll　exhibit　our
cote…tales　to　the　foe。

We'll　fight　till　there's　nothin　left　of　us　but　our　little　toes
and　even　they　shall　defiantly　wiggle！

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Ever　of　thee；〃
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　A。　Ward。


2。5。　　A　WAR　MEETING。

Our　complaint　just　now　is　war　meetin's。　　They've　bin　havin　'em
bad　in　varis　parts　of　our　cheerful　Republic；　and　nat'rally　we
caught　'em　here　in　Baldinsville。　　They　broke　out　all　over　us。
They're　better　attended　than　the　Eclipse　was。

I　remember　how　people　poured　into　our　town　last　Spring　to　see
the　Eclipse。　　They　labored　into　a　impression　that　they
couldn't　see　it　to　home；　and　so　they　cum　up　to　our　place。　　I
cleared　a　very　handsome　amount　of　money　by　exhibitin'　the
Eclipse　to　'em；　in　an　open…top　tent。　　But　the　crowds　is　bigger
now。　　Posey　County　is　aroused。　　I　may　say；　indeed；　that　the
pra…hay…ories　of　Injianny　is　on　fire。

Our　big　meetin'　came　off　the　other　night；　and　our　old　friend
of　the　〃Bugle〃　was　elected　Cheerman。

The　〃Bugle…Horn　of　Liberty〃　is　one　of　Baldinsville's　most
eminentest　institootions。　　The　advertisements　are　well…
written；　and　the　deaths　and　marriages　are　conducted　with
signal　ability。　　The　editor；　MR。　SLINKERS；　is　a　polish'd；
skarcastic　writer。　　Folks　in　these　parts　will　not　soon　forgit
how　he　used　up　the　〃Eagle　of　Freedom；〃　a　family　journal
published　at　Snootville；　near　here。　　The　controversy　was　about
a　plank　road。　　〃The　road　may　be；　as　our　cotemporary　says；　a
humbug；　but　OUR　aunt　isn't　bald…heded；　and　WE　haven't　got　a
one…eyed　sister　Sal！　　Wonder　if　the　Editor　of　the　〃Eagle　of
Freedom〃　sees　it？〃　　This　used　up　the　〃Eagle　of　Freedom〃
feller；　because　his　aunt's　head　does　present　a　skinn'd
appearance；　and　his　sister　SARAH　is　very　much　one…eyed。　　For　a
genteel　home…thrust；　MR。　SLINKERS　has　few　ekals。　　He　is　a　man
of　great　pluck　likewise。　　He　has　a　fierce　nostril；　and　I
believe　upon　my　soul　that　if　it　wasn't　absolootly　necessary
for　him　to　remain　here　and　announce　in　his　paper；　from　week　to
week；　that　〃our　Gov'ment　is　about　to　take　vig'rous　measures　to
put　down　the　rebellion〃I　b'lieve；　upon　my　soul；　this
illustris　man　would　enlist　as　a　Brigadier　Gin'ral；　and　git　his
Bounty。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　。　　。　　。

I　was　fixin　myself　up　to　attend　the　great　war　meetin'；　when　my
daughter　entered　with　a　young　man　who　was　evijently　from　the
city；　and　who　wore　long　hair；　and　had　a　wild　expression　into
his　eye。　　In　one　hand　he　carried　a　port…folio；　and　his　other
paw　claspt　a　bunch　of　small　brushes。　　My　daughter　introduced
him　as　MR。　SWEIBIER；　the　distinguished　landscape　painter　from
Philadelphy。

〃He　is　a　artist；　papa。　　Here　is　one　of　his　master…piecesa
young　mother　gazin'　admirin'ly　upon　her　first…born；〃　and　my
daughter　showed　me　a　really　pretty　picter；　done　in　ile。　　〃Is
it　not　beautiful；　papa？　　He　throws　so　much　soul　into　his
work。〃

〃Does　he？　does　he？〃　said　I〃well；　I　reckon　I'd　better　hire
him　to　whitewash　our　fence。　　It　needs　it。　　What　will　you
charge；　sir；〃　I　continued；　〃to　throw　some　soul　into　my　fence？〃

My　daughter　went　out　of　the　room　in　very　short　meeter；　takin'
the　artist　with　her；　and　from　the　emphatical　manner　in　which
the　door　slam'd；　I　concluded　she　was　summat　disgusted　at　my
remarks。　　She　closed　the　door；　I　may　say；　in　ITALICS。　　I　went
into　the　closet　and　larfed　all　alone　by　myself　for　over　half
an　hour。　　I　larfed　so　vi'lently　that　the　preserve　jars　rattled
like　a　cavalry　offisser's　sword　and　things；　which　it　aroused
my　BETSY；　who　came　and　opened　the　door　pretty　suddent。　　She
seized　me　by　the　few　lonely　hairs　that　still　linger　sadly　upon
my　bare…footed　hed；　and　dragged　me　out　of　the　closet；
incidentally　obsarving　that　she　didn't　exactly　see　why　she
should　be　compelled；　at　her　advanced　stage　of　life；　to　open　a
assylum　for　sooperanooated　idiots。

My　wife　is　one　of　the　best　wimin　on　this　continent；　altho'　she
isn't　always　gentle　as　a　lamb；　with　mint　sauce。　　No；　not
always。

But　to　return　to　the　war　meetin'。　　It　was　largely　attended。
The　Editor　of　the　〃Bugle〃　arose　and　got　up　and　said　the　fact
could　no　longer　be　disguised　that　we　were　involved　in　a　war。
〃Human　gore；〃　said　he；　〃is　flowin'。　　All　able…bodied　men
should　seize　a　musket　and　march　to　the　tented　field。　　I　repeat
it　sir；　to　the　tented　field。〃

A　voice〃Why　don't　you　go　yourself；　you　old　blowhard？〃

〃I　am　identified；　young　man；　with　a　Arkymedian　leaver　which
moves　the　world；〃　said　the　Editor；　wiping　his　auburn　brow　with
his　left　coat…tail；　〃I　allude；　young　man；　to　the　press：
Terms；　two　dollars　a　year；　invariably　in　advance。　　Job
printing　executed　with　neatness　and　dispatch！〃　　And　with　this
brilliant　bust　of　elekance　the　Editor　introduced　Mr。　J。　Brutus
Hinkins；　who　is　suffering　from　an　attack　of　College　in　a
naberin'　place。　　Mr。　Hinkins　said　Washington　was　not　safe。
Who　can　save　our　national　capeetle？

〃DAN　SETCHELL；〃　I　said。　　〃He　can　do　it　afternoons。　　Let　him
plant　his　light　and　airy　form　onto　the　Long　Bridge；　make　faces
at　the　hirelin'　foe；　and　they'll　skedaddle！　　Old　SETCH　can　do
it。〃

〃I　call　the　Napoleon　of　Showmen；〃　said　the　Editor　of　the
〃Bugle；〃〃I　call　that　Napoleonic　man；　whose　life　is　adorned
with　so　many　noble　virtues；　and　whose　giant　mind　lights　up
this　warlike　sceneI　call　him　to　order。〃

I　will　remark；　in　this　connection；　that　the　Editor　of　the
〃Bugle〃　does　my　job　printing。

〃You；〃　said　Mr。　Hinkins；　〃who　live　away　from　the　busy　haunts
of　men　do　not　comprehend　the　magnitood　of　the　crisis。　　The
busy　haunts　of　men　is　where　people　comprehend　this　crisis。　　We
who　live　in　the　busy　haunts　of　menthat　is　to　say；　we　dwell；
as　it　were；　in　the　busy　haunts　of　men。〃

〃I　really　trust　that　the　gen'l'man　will　not　fail　to　say
suthin'　about　the　busy　haunts　of　men　before　he　sits　down；〃
said　I。

〃I　claim　the　right　to　express　my　sentiments　here；〃　said　Mr。
Hinkins；　in　a　slightly　indignant　tone；　〃and　I　shall　brook　no
interruption；　if　I　am　a　Softmore。〃

〃You　couldn't　be　MORE　SOFT；　my　young　friend；〃　I　observed；
whereupon　there　was　cries　of　Order！　order！〃

〃I　regret　I　can't　mingle　in　this　strife　personally；〃　said　the
young　man。

〃You　might　inlist　as　a　liberty…pole；〃　said　I；　in　a　silvery
whisper。

〃But；〃　he　added；　〃I　have　a　voice；　and　that　voice　is　for　war。〃
The　young　man　then　closed　his　speech　with　some　strikin　and
orginal　remarks　in　relation　to　the　star…spangled　banner。　　He
was　fo