the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第3节

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I　luv　the　Unionit　is　a　Big　thingand　it　makes　my　hart　bleed
to　see　a　lot　of　ornery　peple　a…movin　heavenno；　not　heaven；
but　the　other　placeand　earth；　to　bust　it　up。　　Toe　much　good
blud　was　spilt　in　courtin　and　marryin　that　hily　respectable
female　the　Goddess　of　Liberty；　to　git　a　divorce　from　her　now。
My　own　State　of　Injianny　is　celebrated　for　unhitchin　marrid
peple　with　neatness　and　dispatch；　but　you　can't　get　a　divorce
from　the　Goddess　up　there。　　Not　by　no　means。　　The　old　gal　has
behaved　herself　too　well　to　cast　her　off　now。　　I'm　sorry　the
picters　don't　give　her　no　shoes　or　stockins；　but　the　band　of
stars　upon　her　hed　must　continner　to　shine　undimd；　forever。
I'm　for　the　Union　as　she　air；　and　withered　be　the　arm　of　every
ornery　cuss　who　attempts　to　bust　her　up。　　That's　me。　　I　hav
sed！　　＇It　was　a　very　sweaty　day；　and　at　this　pint　of　the
orashun　a　man　fell　down　with　sunstroke。　　I　told　the　awjince
that　considerin　the　large　number　of　putty　gals　present　I　was
more　afraid　of　a　DAWTER　STROKE。　　This　was　impromptoo；　and
seemed　to　amoose　them　very　much。＇

Feller　CitizensI　hain't　got　time　to　notis　the　growth　of
Ameriky　frum　the　time　when　the　Mayflowers　cum　over　in　the
Pilgrim　and　brawt　Plymouth　Rock　with　them；　but　every　skool　boy
nose　our　kareer　has　been　tremenjis。　　You　will　excuse　me　if　I
don't　prase　the　erly　settlers　of　the　Kolonies。　　Peple　which
hung　idiotic　old　wimin　for　witches；　burnt　holes　in　Quakers'
tongues　and　consined　their　feller　critters　to　the　tredmill　and
pillery　on　the　slitest　provocashun　may　hav　bin　very　nice　folks
in　their　way；　but　I　must　confess　I　don't　admire　their　stile；
and　will　pass　them　by。　　I　spose　they　ment　well；　and　so；　in　the
novel　and　techin　langwidge　of　the　nusepapers；　〃peas　to　their
ashis。〃　　Thare　was　no　diskount；　however；　on　them　brave　men　who
fit；　bled　and　died　in　the　American　Revolushun。　　We　needn't　be
afraid　of　setting　'em　up　two　steep。　　Like　my　show；　they　will
stand　any　amount　of　prase。　　G。　Washington　was　abowt　the　best
man　this　world　ever　sot　eyes　on。　　He　was　a　clear…heded；
warm…harted；　and　stiddy　goin　man。　　He　never　slopt　over！　　The
prevailin　weakness　of　most　public　men　is　to　SLOP　OVER！　　＇Put
them　words　in　large　lettersA。　W。＇　　They　git　filled　up　and
slop。　　They　Rush　Things。　　They　travel　too　much　on　the　high
presher　principle。　　They　git　on　to　the　fust　poplar　hobbyhoss
whitch　trots　along；　not　carin　a　sent　whether　the　beest　is　even
goin；　clear　sited　and　sound　or　spavined；　blind　and　bawky。　　Of
course　they　git　throwed　eventooally；　if　not　sooner。　　When　they
see　the　multitood　goin　it　blind　they　go　Pel　Mel　with　it；
instid　of　exerting　theirselves　to　set　it　right。　　They　can't
see　that　the　crowd　which　is　now　bearin　them　triumfantly　on　its
shoulders　will　soon　diskiver　its　error　and　cast　them　into　the
hoss　pond　of　Oblivyun；　without　the　slitest　hesitashun。
Washington　never　slopt　over。　　That　wasn't　George's　stile。　　He
luved　his　country　dearly。　　He　wasn't　after　the　spiles。　　He　was
a　human　angil　in　a　3　kornerd　hat　and　knee　britches；　and　we
shan't　see　his　like　right　away。　　My　frends；　we　can't　all　be
Washingtons　but　we　kin　all　be　patrits　&　behave　ourselves　in　a
human　and　a　Christian　manner。　　When　we　see　a　brother　goin　down
hill　to　Ruin　let　us　not　give　him　a　push；　but　let　us　seeze　rite
hold　of　his　coat　tails　and　draw　him　back　to　Morality。

Imagine　G。　Washington　and　P。　Henry　in　the　character　of
seseshers！　　As　well　fancy　John　Bunyan　and　Dr。　Watts　in
spangled　tites；　doin　the　trapeze　in　a　one…horse　circus！

I　tell　you；　feller…citizens；　it　would　have　bin　ten　dollars　in
Jeff　Davis's　pocket　if　he'd　never　bin　born！

　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*　　　　　　*

Be　shure　and　vote　at　leest　once　at　all　elecshuns。　　Buckle　on
yer　armer　and　go　to　the　Poles。　　See　two　it　that　your　naber　is
there。　　See　that　the　kripples　air　provided　with　carriages。　　Go
to　the　poles　and　stay　all　day。　　Bewair　of　the　infamous　lise
whitch　the　Opposishun　will　be　sartin　to　git　up　fur　perlitical
effek　on　the　eve　of　eleckshun。　　To　the　poles　and　when　you　git
there　vote　jest　as　you　darn　please。　　This　is　a　privilege　we
all　persess；　and　it　is　1　of　the　booties　of　this　grate　and　free
land。

I　see　mutch　to　admire　in　New　Englan。　　Your　gals　in　partickular
air　abowt　as　snug　bilt　peaces　of　Calliker　as　I　ever　saw。　　They
air　fully　equal　to　the　corn　fed　gals　of　Ohio　and　Injianny　and
will　make　the　bestest　kind　of　wives。　　It　sets　my　Buzzum　on
fire　to　look　at　'em。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　Be　still；　my　sole；　be　still；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　&　you；　Hart；　stop　cuttin　up！

I　like　your　skool　houses；　your　meetin　houses；　your　enterprise；
gumpshun　&c。；　but　your　favorit　Bevridge　I　disgust。　　I　allude
to　New　England　Rum。　　It　is　wuss　nor　the　korn　whisky　of
Injianny；　which　eats　threw　stone　jugs　&　will　turn　the　stummuck
of　the　most　shiftliss　Hog。　　I　seldom　seek　consolashun　in　the
flowin　Bole；　but　tother　day　I　wurrid　down　some　of　your　Rum。
The　fust　glass　indused　me　to　sware　like　a　infooriated　trooper。
On　takin　the　secund　glass　I　was　seezed　with　a　desire　to　break
winders；　&　arter　imbibin　the　third　glass　I　knockt　a　small　boy
down；　pickt　his　pocket　of　a　New　York　Ledger；　and　wildly
commenced　readin　Sylvanus　Kobb's　last　Tail。　　Its　drefful
stuffa　sort　of　lickwid　litenin；　gut　up　under　the　personal
supervishun　of　the　deviltears　men's　inards　all　to　peaces　and
makes　their　noses　blossum　as　the　Lobster。　　Shun　it　as　you
would　a　wild　hyeny　with　a　firebrand　tied　to　his　tale；　and
while　you　air　abowt　it　you　will　do　a　first…rate　thing　for
yourself　and　everybody　abowt　you　by　shunnin　all　kinds　of
intoxicatin　lickers。　　You　don't　need　'em　no　more'n　a　cat　needs
2　tales；　sayin　nothin　abowt　the　trubble　and　sufferin　they
cawse。　　But　unless　your　inards　air　cast　iron；　avoid　New
England's　favorite　Bevrige。

My　frends；　I'm　dun。　　I　tear　myself　away　from　you　with　tears　in
my　eyes　&　a　pleasant　oder　of　Onyins　abowt　my　close。　　In　the
langwidge　of　Mister　Catterline　to　the　Rummuns；　I　go；　but
perhaps　I　shall　cum　back　agin。　　Adoo；　people　of　Weathersfield。
Be　virtoous　&　you'll　be　happy！


2。4。　　THE　WAR　FEVER　IN　BALDINSVILLE。

As　soon　as　I'd　recooperated　my　physikil　system；　I　went　over
into　the　village。　　The　peasantry　was　glad　to　see　me。　　The
skoolmaster　sed　it　was　cheerin　to　see　that　gigantic　intelleck
among　'em　onct　more。　　That's　what　he　called　me。　　I　like　the
skoolmaster；　and　allers　send　him　tobacker　when　I'm　off　on　a
travelin　campane。　　Besides；　he　is　a　very　sensible　man。　　Such
men　must　be　encouraged。

They　don't　git　news　very　fast　in　Baldinsville；　as　nothin　but　a
plank　road　runs　in　there　twice　a　week；　and　that's　very　much
out　of　repair。　　So　my　nabers　wasn't　much　posted　up　in　regard
to　the　wars。　　'Squire　Baxter　sed　he'd　voted　the　dimicratic
ticket　for　goin　on　forty　year；　and　the　war　was　a　dam　black
republican　lie。　　Jo。　Stackpole；　who　kills　hogs　for　the　Squire；
and　has　got　a　powerful　muscle　into　his　arms；　sed　he'd　bet　5
dollars　he　could　lick　the　Crisis　in　a　fair　stand…up　fight；　if
he　wouldn't　draw　a　knife　on　him。　　So　it　wentsum　was　for　war；
and　sum　was　for　peace。　　The　skoolmaster；　however；　sed　the
Slave　Oligarky　must　cower　at　the　feet　of　the　North　ere　a　year
had　flowed　by；　or　pass　over　his　dead　corpse。　　〃Esto　perpetua！〃
he　added！　　〃And　sine　qua　non　also！〃　sed　I；　sternly；　wishing　to
make　a　impression　onto　the　villagers。　　〃Requiescat　in　pace！〃
sed　the　skoolmaster；　〃Too　troo；　too　troo！〃　I　anserd；　〃it's　a
scanderlus　fact！〃

The　newspapers　got　along　at　last；　chock　full　of　war；　and　the
patriotic　fever　fairly　bust　out　in　Baldinsville。　　'Squire
Baxter　sed　he　didn't　b'lieve　in　Coercion；　not　one　of　'em；　and
could　prove　by　a　file　of　〃Eagles　of　Liberty〃　in　his　garrit；
that　it　was　all　a　Whig　lie；　got　up　to　raise　the　price　of
whisky　and　destroy　our　other　liberties。　　But　the　old　'Squire
got　putty　riley；　when　he　heard　how　the　rebels　was　cuttin　up；
and　he　sed　he　reckoned　he　should　skour　up　his　old　muskit　and
do　a　little　square　fitin　for　the　Old　Flag；　which　had　allers
bin　on　the　ticket　HE'D　voted；　and　he　was　too　old　to　Bolt　now。
The　'Squire　is　all　right　at　heart；　but　it　takes　longer　for　him
to　fill　his　venerable　Biler　with　steam　than　it　used　to　when　he
was　young　and　frisky。　　As　I　previously　informed　you；　I　am
Captin　of　the　Baldinsville　Company。　　I　riz　gradooally　but
majestically　from　drummer's　Secretary　to　my　present　position。
But　I　found　the　ranks　wasn't　full　by　no　means；　and　commenced
for　to　recroot。　　Havin　notist　a　gineral　desire　on　the　part　of
young　men　who　are　into　the　crisis　to　wear　eppylits；　I
detarmined　to　have　my　company　composed　excloosviely　of
offissers；　everybody　to　rank　as　Brigadeer…Ginral。　　The
follerin　was　among　the　varis　questions　which　I　put　to
recroots：

　　Do　you　know　a　masked　battery　from　a　hunk　of　gingerbread？

　　Do　you　know　a　eppylit　from　a　piece　of　chalk？

　　If　I　trust　you　with　a　real　gun；　how　many　men　of　your　own
company　do　you　speck　you　can　manage　to　kill　durin　the　war？

　　Hav　you　ever　heard　of　Ginral　Price　of　Missouri；　and　can　you
avoid　simler　accidents　in　case　of　a　battle？

　　Have　you　ever　had　the　measles；　and　if　so；　how　many？

　　How　air　you　now？

　　Show　me　your　tongue；　&c。；　&c。　　Sum　of　the　questions　was
sarcusstical。

The　company　filled　up　rapid；　and　last　Sunday　we　we