a confession-第9节

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those　of　the　wise　that　have　brought　us　to　the　admission　of　the

senselessness　of　life；　there　remained　in　me　a　vague　doubt　of　the

justice　of　my　conclusion。

　　　　　It　was　like　this：　　I；　my　reason；　have　acknowledged　that　life

is　senseless。　　If　there　is　nothing　higher　than　reason　（and　there　is

not：　nothing　can　prove　that　there　is）；　then　reason　is　the　creator

of　life　for　me。　　If　reason　did　not　exist　there　would　be　for　me　no

life。　　How　can　reason　deny　life　when　it　is　the　creator　of　life？　　Or

to　put　it　the　other　way：　were　there　no　life；　my　reason　would　not

exist；　therefore　reason　is　life's　son。　　Life　is　all。　　Reason　is　its

fruit　yet　reason　rejects　life　itself！　　I　felt　that　there　was

something　wrong　here。

　　　　　Life　is　a　senseless　evil；　that　is　certain；　said　I　to　myself。　

Yet　I　have　lived　and　am　still　living；　and　all　mankind　lived　and

lives。　　How　is　that？　　Why　does　it　live；　when　it　is　possible　not　to

live？　　Is　it　that　only　I　and　Schopenhauer　are　wise　enough　to

understand　the　senselessness　and　evil　of　life？

　　　　　The　reasoning　showing　the　vanity　of　life　is　not　so　difficult；

and　has　long　been　familiar　to　the　very　simplest　folk；　yet　they　have

lived　and　still　live。　　How　is　it　they　all　live　and　never　think　of

doubting　the　reasonableness　of　life？

　　　　　My　knowledge；　confirmed　by　the　wisdom　of　the　sages；　has　shown

me　that　everything　on　earth　　organic　and　inorganic　　is　all　most

cleverly　arranged　　only　my　own　position　is　stupid。　　and　those

fools　　the　enormous　masses　of　people　　know　nothing　about　how

everything　organic　and　inorganic　in　the　world　is　arranged；　but　they

live；　and　it　seems　to　them　that　their　life　is　very　wisely　arranged！

。。。

　　　　　And　it　struck　me：　　〃But　what　if　there　is　something　I　do　not

yet　know？　　Ignorance　behaves　just　in　that　way。　　Ignorance　always

says　just　what　I　am　saying。　　When　it　does　not　know　something；　it

says　that　what　it　does　not　know　is　stupid。　　Indeed；　it　appears　that

there　is　a　whole　humanity　that　lived　and　lives　as　if　it　understood

the　meaning　of　its　life；　for　without　understanding　it　could　not

live；　but　I　say　that　all　this　life　is　senseless　and　that　I　cannot

live。

　　　　　〃Nothing　prevents　our　denying　life　by　suicide。　　well　then；

kill　yourself；　and　you　won't　discuss。　　If　life　displeases　you；　kill

yourself！　　You　live；　and　cannot　understand　the　meaning　of　life　

then　finish　it；　and　do　not　fool　about　in　life；　saying　and　writing

that　you　do　not　understand　it。　　You　have　come　into　good　company

where　people　are　contented　and　know　what　they　are　doing；　if　you

find　it　dull　and　repulsive　　go　away！〃

　　　　　Indeed；　what　are　we　who　are　convinced　of　the　necessity　of

suicide　yet　do　not　decide　to　commit　it；　but　the　weakest；　most

inconsistent；　and　to　put　it　plainly；　the　stupidest　of　men；　fussing

about　with　our　own　stupidity　as　a　fool　fusses　about　with　a　painted

hussy？　　For　our　wisdom；　however　indubitable　it　may　be；　has　not

given　us　the　knowledge　of　the　meaning　of　our　life。　　But　all　mankind

who　sustain　life　　millions　of　them　　do　not　doubt　the　meaning　of

life。

　　　　　Indeed；　from　the　most　distant　time　of　which　I　know　anything；

when　life　began；　people　have　lived　knowing　the　argument　about　the

vanity　of　life　which　has　shown　me　its　senselessness；　and　yet　they

lived　attributing　some　meaning　to　it。

　　　　　From　the　time　when　any　life　began　among　men　they　had　that

meaning　of　life；　and　they　led　that　life　which　has　descended　to　me。　

All　that　is　in　me　and　around　me；　all；　corporeal　and　incorporeal；　is

the　fruit　of　their　knowledge　of　life。　　Those　very　instruments　of

thought　with　which　I　consider　this　life　and　condemn　it　were　all

devised　not　be　me　but　by　them。　　I　myself　was　born；　taught；　and

brought　up　thanks　to　them。　　They　dug　out　the　iron；　taught　us　to　cut

down　the　forests；　tamed　the　cows　and　horses；　taught　us　to　sow　corn

and　to　live　together；　organized　our　life；　and　taught　me　to　think

and　speak。　　And　I；　their　product；　fed；　supplied　with　drink；　taught

by　them；　thinking　with　their　thoughts　and　words；　have　argued　that

they　are　an　absurdity！　　〃There　is　something　wrong；〃　said　I　to

myself。　　〃I　have　blundered　somewhere。〃　　But　it　was　a　long　time

before　I　could　find　out　where　the　mistake　was。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　VIII



　　　　　All　these　doubts；　which　I　am　now　able　to　express　more　or　less

systematically；　I　could　not　then　have　expressed。　　I　then　only　felt

that　however　logically　inevitable　were　my　conclusions　concerning

the　vanity　of　life；　confirmed　as　they　were　by　the　greatest

thinkers；　there　was　something　not　right　about　them。　　Whether　it　was

in　the　reasoning　itself　or　in　the　statement　of　the　question　I　did

not　know　　I　only　felt　that　the　conclusion　was　rationally

convincing；　but　that　that　was　insufficient。　　All　these　conclusions

could　not　so　convince　me　as　to　make　me　do　what　followed　from　my

reasoning；　that　is　to　say；　kill　myself。　　And　I　should　have　told　an

untruth　had　I；　without　killing　myself；　said　that　reason　had　brought

me　to　the　point　I　had　reached。　　Reason　worked；　but　something　else

was　also　working　which　I　can　only　call　a　consciousness　of　life。　　A

force　was　working　which　compelled　me　to　turn　my　attention　to　this

and　not　to　that；　and　it　was　this　force　which　extricated　me　from　my

desperate　situation　and　turned　my　mind　in　quite　another　direction。　

This　force　compelled　me　to　turn　my　attention　to　the　fact　that　I　and

a　few　hundred　similar　people　are　not　the　whole　of　mankind；　and　that

I　did　not　yet　know　the　life　of　mankind。

　　　　　Looking　at　the　narrow　circle　of　my　equals；　I　saw　only　people

who　had　not　understood　the　question；　or　who　had　understood　it　and

drowned　it　in　life's　intoxication；　or　had　understood　it　and　ended

their　lives；　or　had　understood　it　and　yet　from　weakness　were　living

out　their　desperate　life。　　And　I　saw　no　others。　　It　seemed　to　me

that　that　narrow　circle　of　rich；　learned；　and　leisured　people　to

which　I　belonged　formed　the　whole　of　humanity；　and　that　those

milliards　of　others　who　have　lived　and　are　living　were　cattle　of

some　sort　　not　real　people。

　　　　　Strange；　incredibly　incomprehensible　as　it　now　seems　to　me

that　I　could；　while　reasoning　about　life；　overlook　the　whole　life

of　mankind　that　surrounded　me　on　all　sides；　that　I　could　to　such　a

degree　blunder　so　absurdly　as　to　think　that　my　life；　and　Solomon's

and　Schopenhauer's；　is　the　real；　normal　life；　and　that　the　life　of

the　milliards　is　a　circumstance　undeserving　of　attention　　strange

as　this　now　is　to　me；　I　see　that　so　it　was。　　In　the　delusion　of　my

pride　of　intellect　it　seemed　to　me　so　indubitable　that　I　and

Solomon　and　Schopenhauer　had　stated　the　question　so　truly　and

exactly　that　nothing　else　was　possible　　so　indubitable　did　it

seem　that　all　those　milliards　consisted　of　men　who　had　not　yet

arrived　at　an　apprehension　of　all　the　profundity　of　the　question　

that　I　sought　for　the　meaning　of　my　life　without　it　once　occurring

to　me　to　ask：　　〃But　what　meaning　is　and　has　been　given　to　their

lives　by　all　the　milliards　of　common　folk　who　live　and　have　lived

in　the　world？〃

　　　　　I　long　lived　in　this　state　of　lunacy；　which；　in　fact　if　not　in

words；　is　particularly　characteristic　of　us　very　liberal　and

learned　people。　　But　thanks　either　to　the　strange　physical

affection　I　have　for　the　real　labouring　people；　which　compelled　me

to　understand　them　and　to　see　that　they　are　not　so　stupid　as　we

suppose；　or　thanks　to　the　sincerity　of　my　conviction　that　I　could

know　nothing　beyond　the　fact　that　the　best　I　could　do　was　to　hang

myself；　at　any　rate　I　instinctively　felt　that　if　I　wished　to　live

and　understand　the　meaning　of　life；　I　must　seek　this　meaning　not

among　those　who　have　lost　it　and　wish　to　kill　themselves；　but　among

those　milliards　of　the　past　and　the　present　who　make　life　and　who

support　the　burden　of　their　own　lives　and　of　ours　also。　　And　I

considered　the　enormous　masses　of　those　simple；　unlearned；　and　poor

people　who　have　lived　and　are　living　and　I　saw　something　quite

different。　　I　saw　that；　with　rare　exceptions；　all　those　milliards

who　have　lived　and　are　living　do　not　fit　into　my　divisions；　and

that　I　could　not　class　them　as　not　understanding　the　question；　for

they　themselves　state　it　and　reply　to　it　with　extraordinary

clearness。　　Nor　could　I　consider　them　epicureans；　for　their　life

consists　more　of　privations　and　sufferings　than　of　enjoyments。　

Still　less　could　I　consider　them　as　irrationally　dragging　on　a

meaningless　existence；　for　every　act　of　their　life；　as　well　as

death　itself；　is　explained　by　them。　　To　kill　themselves　they

consider　the　greatest　evil。　　It　appeared　that　all　mankind　had　a

knowledge；　unacknowledged　and　despised　by　me；　of　the　meaning　of

life。　　It　appeared　that　reasonable　knowledge　does　not　give　the

meaning　of　life；　but　excludes　life：　while　the　meaning　attributed　to

life　by　milliards　of　people；　by　all　humanity；　rests　on　some

despised　pseudo…knowledge。

　　　　　Rational　knowledge　presented　by　the　learned　and　wise；　denies

the　meaning　of　life；　but　the　enormous　masses　o