a confession-第3节

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my　heart　and　I。　　Another　instance　of　a　realization　that　the

superstitious　belief　in　progress　is　insufficient　as　a　guide　to

life；　was　my　brother's　death。　　Wise；　good；　serious；　he　fell　ill

while　still　a　young　man；　suffered　for　more　than　a　year；　and　died

painfully；　not　understanding　why　he　had　lived　and　still　less　why　he

had　to　die。　　No　theories　could　give　me；　or　him；　any　reply　to　these

questions　during　his　slow　and　painful　dying。　　But　these　were　only

rare　instances　of　doubt；　and　I　actually　continued　to　live

professing　a　faith　only　in　progress。　　〃Everything　evolves　and　I

evolve　with　it：　　and　why　it　is　that　I　evolve　with　all　things　will

be　known　some　day。〃　　So　I　ought　to　have　formulated　my　faith　at　that

time。

　　　　　On　returning　from　abroad　I　settled　in　the　country　and　chanced

to　occupy　myself　with　peasant　schools。　　This　work　was　particularly

to　my　taste　because　in　it　I　had　not　to　face　the　falsity　which　had

become　obvious　to　me　and　stared　me　in　the　face　when　I　tried　to

teach　people　by　literary　means。　　Here　also　I　acted　in　the　name　of

progress；　but　I　already　regarded　progress　itself　critically。　　I

said　to　myself：　　〃In　some　of　its　developments　progress　has

proceeded　wrongly；　and　with　primitive　peasant　children　one　must

deal　in　a　spirit　of　perfect　freedom；　letting　them　choose　what　path

of　progress　they　please。〃　　In　reality　I　was　ever　revolving　round

one　and　the　same　insoluble　problem；　which　was：　　How　to　teach

without　knowing　what　to　teach。　　In　the　higher　spheres　of　literary

activity　I　had　realized　that　one　could　not　teach　without　knowing

what；　for　I　saw　that　people　all　taught　differently；　and　by

quarrelling　among　themselves　only　succeeded　in　hiding　their

ignorance　from　one　another。　　But　here；　with　peasant　children；　I

thought　to　evade　this　difficulty　by　letting　them　learn　what　they

liked。　　It　amuses　me　now　when　I　remember　how　I　shuffled　in　trying

to　satisfy　my　desire　to　teach；　while　in　the　depth　of　my　soul　I　knew

very　well　that　I　could　not　teach　anything　needful　for　I　did　not

know　what　was　needful。　　After　spending　a　year　at　school　work　I　went

abroad　a　second　time　to　discover　how　to　teach　others　while　myself

knowing　nothing。

　　　　　And　it　seemed　to　me　that　I　had　learnt　this　aborad；　and　in　the

year　of　the　peasants'　emancipation　（1861）　I　returned　to　Russia

armed　with　all　this　wisdom；　and　having　become　an　Arbiter　＇Footnote：

To　keep　peace　between　peasants　and　owners。A。M。＇　I　began　to　teach；

both　the　uneducated　peasants　in　schools　and　the　educated　classes

through　a　magazine　I　published。　　Things　appeared　to　be　going　well；

but　I　felt　I　was　not　quite　sound　mentally　and　that　matters　could

not　long　continue　in　that　way。　　And　I　should　perhaps　then　have　come

to　the　state　of　despair　I　reached　fifteen　years　later　had　there　not

been　one　side　of　life　still　unexplored　by　me　which　promised　me

happiness：　　that　was　my　marriage。

　　　　　For　a　year　I　busied　myself　with　arbitration　work；　the　schools；

and　the　magazine；　and　I　became　so　worn　out　　as　a　result

especially　of　my　mental　confusion　　and　so　hard　was　my　struggle　as

Arbiter；　so　obscure　the　results　of　my　activity　in　the　schools；　so

repulsive　my　shuffling　in　the　magazine　（which　always　amounted　to

one　and　the　same　thing：　　a　desire　to　teach　everybody　and　to　hide

the　fact　that　I　did　not　know　what　to　teach）；　that　I　fell　ill；

mentally　rather　than　physically；　threw　up　everything；　and　went　away

to　the　Bashkirs　in　the　steppes；　to　breathe　fresh　air；　drink　kumys

＇Footnote：　A　fermented　drink　prepared　from　mare's　milk。A。　M。＇；

and　live　a　merely　animal　life。

　　　　　Returning　from　there　I　married。　　The　new　conditions　of　happy

family　life　completely　diverted　me　from　all　search　for　the　general

meaning　of　life。　　My　whole　life　was　centred　at　that　time　in　my

family；　wife　and　children；　and　therefore　in　care　to　increase　our

means　of　livelihood。　　My　striving　after　self…perfection；　for　which

I　had　already　substituted　a　striving　for　perfection　in　general；

i。e。　progress；　was　now　again　replaced　by　the　effort　simply　to

secure　the　best　possible　conditions　for　myself　and　my　family。

　　　　　So　another　fifteen　years　passed。

　　　　　In　spite　of　the　fact　that　I　now　regarded　authorship　as　of　no

importance　　the　temptation　of　immense　monetary　rewards　and

applause　for　my　insignificant　work　　and　I　devoted　myself　to　it　as

a　means　of　improving　my　material　position　and　of　stifling　in　my

soul　all　questions　as　to　the　meaning　of　my　own　life　or　life　in

general。

　　　　　I　wrote：　　teaching　what　was　for　me　the　only　truth；　namely；

that　one　should　live　so　as　to　have　the　best　for　oneself　and　one's

family。

　　　　　So　I　lived；　but　five　years　ago　something　very　strange　began　to

happen　to　me。　　At　first　I　experienced　moments　of　perplexity　and

arrest　of　life；　and　though　I　did　not　know　what　to　do　or　how　to

live；　and　I　felt　lost　and　became　dejected。　　But　this　passed　and　I

went　on　living　as　before。　　Then　these　moments　of　perplexity　began

to　recur　oftener　and　oftener；　and　always　in　the　same　form。　　They

were　always　expressed　by　the　questions：　　What　is　it　for？　　What　does

it　lead　to？

　　　　　At　first　it　seemed　to　me　that　these　were　aimless　and

irrelevant　questions。　　I　thought　that　it　was　all　well　known；　and

that　if　I　should　ever　wish　to　deal　with　the　solution　it　would　not

cost　me　much　effort；　just　at　present　I　had　no　time　for　it；　but　when

I　wanted　to　I　should　be　able　to　find　the　answer。　　The　questions

however　began　to　repeat　themselves　frequently；　and　to　demand

replies　more　and　more　insistently；　and　like　drops　of　ink　always

falling　on　one　place　they　ran　together　into　one　black　blot。

　　　　　Then　occurred　what　happens　to　everyone　sickening　with　a　mortal

internal　disease。　　At　first　trivial　signs　of　indisposition　appear

to　which　the　sick　man　pays　no　attention；　then　these　signs　reappear

more　and　more　often　and　merge　into　one　uninterrupted　period　of

suffering。　　The　suffering　increases；　and　before　the　sick　man　can

look　round；　what　he　took　for　a　mere　indisposition　has　already

become　more　important　to　him　than　anything　else　in　the　world　　it

is　death！

　　　　　That　is　what　happened　to　me。　　I　understood　that　it　was　no

casual　indisposition　but　something　very　important；　and　that　if

these　questions　constantly　repeated　themselves　they　would　have　to

be　answered。　　And　I　tried　to　answer　them。　　The　questions　seemed

such　stupid；　simple；　childish　ones；　but　as　soon　as　I　touched　them

and　tried　to　solve　them　I　at　once　became　convinced；　first；　that

they　are　not　childish　and　stupid　but　the　most　important　and

profound　of　life's　questions；　and　secondly　that；　occupying　myself

with　my　Samara　estate；　the　education　of　my　son；　or　the　writing　of

a　book；　I　had　to　know　*why*　I　was　doing　it。　　As　long　as　I　did　not

know　why；　I　could　do　nothing　and　could　not　live。　　Amid　the　thoughts

of　estate　management　which　greatly　occupied　me　at　that　time；　the

question　would　suddenly　occur：　　〃Well；　you　will　have　6；000

desyatinas　＇Footnote：　The　desyatina　is　about　2。75　acres。A。M。＇　of

land　in　Samara　Government　and　300　horses；　and　what　then？〃　。。。　And

I　was　quite　disconcerted　and　did　not　know　what　to　think。　　Or　when

considering　plans　for　the　education　of　my　children；　I　would　say　to

myself：　　〃What　for？〃　　Or　when　considering　how　the　peasants　might

become　prosperous；　I　would　suddenly　say　to　myself：　　〃But　what　does

it　matter　to　me？〃　　Or　when　thinking　of　the　fame　my　works　would

bring　me；　I　would　say　to　myself；　〃Very　well；　you　will　be　more

famous　than　Gogol　or　Pushkin　or　Shakespeare　or　Moliere；　or　than　all

the　writers　in　the　world　　and　what　of　it？〃　　And　I　could　find　no

reply　at　all。　　The　questions　would　not　wait；　they　had　to　be

answered　at　once；　and　if　I　did　not　answer　them　it　was　impossible　to

live。　　But　there　was　no　answer。

　　　　　I　felt　that　what　I　had　been　standing　on　had　collapsed　and　that

I　had　nothing　left　under　my　feet。　　What　I　had　lived　on　no　longer

existed；　and　there　was　nothing　left。



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　IV



　　　　　My　life　came　to　a　standstill。　　I　could　breathe；　eat；　drink；

and　sleep；　and　I　could　not　help　doing　these　things；　but　there　was

no　life；　for　there　were　no　wishes　the　fulfillment　of　which　I　could

consider　reasonable。　　If　I　desired　anything；　I　knew　in　advance　that

whether　I　satisfied　my　desire　or　not；　nothing　would　come　of　it。　

Had　a　fairy　come　and　offered　to　fulfil　my　desires　I　should　not　have

know　what　to　ask。　　If　in　moments　of　intoxication　I　felt　something

which；　though　not　a　wish；　was　a　habit　left　by　former　wishes；　in

sober　moments　I　knew　this　to　be　a　delusion　and　that　there　was

really　nothing　to　wish　for。　　I　could　not　even　wish　to　know　the

truth；　for　I　guessed　of　what　it　consisted。　　The　truth　was　that　life

is　meaningless。　　I　had　as　it　were　lived；　lived；　and　walked；　walked；

till　I　had　come　to　a　precipice　and　saw　clearly　that　there　was

nothing　ahead　of　me　but　destruction。　　It　was　impossible　to　stop；

impossible　to　go　back；　and　impossible　to　close　my　eyes　or　avoid

seeing　that　there　was　nothing　ahead　but　suffering　and　r