a confession-第15节

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one　tried　to　say　that　*sin*　was　the　enemy　prayed　against）；　these

and　other　prayers；　such　as　the　〃cherubic　song〃　and　the　whole

sacrament　of　oblation；　or　〃the　chosen　Warriors〃；　etc。　　quite　two…

thirds　of　all　the　services　　either　remained　completely

incomprehensible　or；　when　I　forced　an　explanation　into　them；　made

me　feel　that　I　was　lying；　thereby　quite　destroying　my　relation　to

God　and　depriving　me　of　all　possibility　of　belief。

　　　　　I　felt　the　same　about　the　celebration　of　the　chief　holidays。　

To　remember　the　Sabbath；　that　is　to　devote　one　day　to　God；　was

something　I　could　understand。　　But　the　chief　holiday　was　in

commemoration　of　the　Resurrection；　the　reality　of　which　I　could　not

picture　to　myself　or　understand。　　And　that　name　of　〃Resurrection〃

was　also　given　the　weekly　holiday。　　　＇Footnote：　In　Russia　Sunday

was　called　Resurrection…day。　　A。　M。＇　　And　on　those　days　the

Sacrament　of　the　Eucharist　was　administered；　which　was　quite

unintelligible　to　me。　　The　rest　of　the　twelve　great　holidays；

except　Christmas；　commemorated　miracles　　the　things　I　tried　not

to　think　about　in　order　not　to　deny：　the　Ascension；　Pentecost；

Epiphany；　the　Feast　of　the　Intercession　of　the　Holy　Virgin；　etc。　

At　the　celebration　of　these　holidays；　feeling　that　importance　was

being　attributed　to　the　very　things　that　to　me　presented　a　negative

importance；　I　either　devised　tranquillizing　explanations　or　shut　my

eyes　in　order　not　to　see　what　tempted　me。

　　　　　Most　of　all　this　happened　to　me　when　taking　part　in　the　most

usual　Sacraments；　which　are　considered　the　most　important：　baptism

and　communion。　　There　I　encountered　not　incomprehensible　but　fully

comprehensible　doings：　doings　which　seemed　to　me　to　lead　into

temptation；　and　I　was　in　a　dilemma　　whether　to　lie　or　to　reject

them。

　　　　　Never　shall　I　forge　the　painful　feeling　I　experienced　the　day

I　received　the　Eucharist　for　the　first　time　after　many　years。　　The

service；　confession；　and　prayers　were　quite　intelligible　and

produced　in　me　a　glad　consciousness　that　the　meaning　of　life　was

being　revealed　to　me。　　The　Communion　itself　I　explained　as　an　act

performed　in　remembrance　of　Christ；　and　indicating　a　purification

from　sin　and　the　full　acceptance　of　Christ's　teaching。　　If　that

explanation　was　artificial　I　did　not　notice　its　artificiality：　so

happy　was　I　at　humbling　and　abasing　myself　before　the　priest　　a

simple；　timid　country　clergyman　　turning　all　the　dirt　out　of　my

soul　and　confessing　my　vices；　so　glad　was　I　to　merge　in　thought

with　the　humility　of　the　fathers　who　wrote　the　prayers　of　the

office；　so　glad　was　I　of　union　with　all　who　have　believed　and　now

believe；　that　I　did　not　notice　the　artificiality　of　my　explanation。　

But　when　I　approached　the　altar　gates；　and　the　priest　made　me　say

that　I　believed　that　what　I　was　about　to　swallow　was　truly　flesh

and　blood；　I　felt　a　pain　in　my　heart：　it　was　not　merely　a　false

note；　it　was　a　cruel　demand　made　by　someone　or　other　who　evidently

had　never　known　what　faith　is。

　　　　　I　now　permit　myself　to　say　that　it　was　a　cruel　demand；　but　I

did　not　then　think　so：　only　it　was　indescribably　painful　to　me。　　I

was　no　longer　in　the　position　in　which　I　had　been　in　youth　when　I

thought　all　in　life　was　clear；　I　had　indeed　come　to　faith　because；

apart　from　faith；　I　had　found　nothing；　certainly　nothing；　except

destruction；　therefore　to　throw　away　that　faith　was　impossible　and

I　submitted。　　And　I　found　in　my　soul　a　feeling　which　helped　me　to

endure　it。　　This　was　the　feeling　of　self…abasement　and　humility。　

I　humbled　myself；　swallowed　that　flesh　and　blood　without　any

blasphemous　feelings　and　with　a　wish　to　believe。　　But　the　blow　had

been　struck　and；　knowing　what　awaited　me；　I　could　not　go　a　second

time。

　　　　　I　continued　to　fulfil　the　rites　of　the　Church　and　still

believed　that　the　doctrine　I　was　following　contained　the　truth；

when　something　happened　to　me　which　I　now　understand　but　which　then

seemed　strange。

　　　　　I　was　listening　to　the　conversation　of　an　illiterate　peasant；

a　pilgrim；　about　God；　faith；　life；　and　salvation；　when　a　knowledge

of　faith　revealed　itself　to　me。　　I　drew　near　to　the　people；

listening　to　their　opinions　of　life　and　faith；　and　I　understood　the

truth　more　and　more。　　So　also　was　it　when　I　read　the　Lives　of　Holy

men；　which　became　my　favourite　books。　　Putting　aside　the　miracles

and　regarding　them　as　fables　illustrating　thoughts；　this　reading

revealed　to　me　life's　meaning。　　There　were　the　lives　of　Makarius

the　Great；　the　story　of　Buddha；　there　were　the　words　of　St。　John

Chrysostom；　and　there　were　the　stories　of　the　traveller　in　the

well；　the　monk　who　found　some　gold；　and　of　Peter　the　publican。　

There　were　stories　of　the　martyrs；　all　announcing　that　death　does

not　exclude　life；　and　there　were　the　stories　of　ignorant；　stupid

men；　who　knew　nothing　of　the　teaching　of　the　Church　but　who　yet

were　saves。

　　　　　But　as　soon　as　I　met　learned　believers　or　took　up　their　books；

doubt　of　myself；　dissatisfaction；　and　exasperated　disputation　were

roused　within　me；　and　I　felt　that　the　more　I　entered　into　the

meaning　of　these　men's　speech；　the　more　I　went　astray　from　truth

and　approached　an　abyss。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XV



　　　　　How　often　I　envied　the　peasants　their　illiteracy　and　lack　of

learning！　　Those　statements　in　the　creeds　which　to　me　were　evident

absurdities；　for　them　contained　nothing　false；　they　could　accept

them　and　could　believe　in　the　truth　　the　truth　I　believed　in。　

Only　to　me；　unhappy　man；　was　it　clear　that　with　truth　falsehood　was

interwoven　by　finest　threads；　and　that　I　could　not　accept　it　in

that　form。

　　　　　So　I　lived　for　about　three　years。　　At　first；　when　I　was　only

slightly　associated　with　truth　as　a　catechumen　and　was　only

scenting　out　what　seemed　to　me　clearest；　these　encounters　struck　me

less。　　When　I　did　not　understand　anything；　I　said；　〃It　is　my　fault；

I　am　sinful〃；　　but　the　more　I　became　imbued　with　the　truths　I　was

learning；　the　more　they　became　the　basis　of　my　life；　the　more

oppressive　and　the　more　painful　became　these　encounters　and　the

sharper　became　the　line　between　what　I　do　not　understand　because　I

am　not　able　to　understand　it；　and　what　cannot　be　understood　except

by　lying　to　oneself。

　　　　　In　spite　of　my　doubts　and　sufferings　I　still　clung　to　the

Orthodox　Church。　　But　questions　of　life　arose　which　had　to　be

decided；　and　the　decision　of　these　questions　by　the　Church　

contrary　to　the　very　bases　of　the　belief　by　which　I　lived　

obliged　me　at　last　to　renounce　communion　with　Orthodoxy　as

impossible。　　These　questions　were：　　first　the　relation　of　the

Orthodox　Eastern　Church　to　other　Churches　　to　the　Catholics　and

to　the　so…called　sectarians。　　At　that　time；　in　consequence　of　my

interest　in　religion；　I　came　into　touch　with　believers　of　various

faiths：　　Catholics；　protestants；　Old…Believers；　Molokans　＇Footnote：　

A　sect　that　rejects　sacraments　and　ritual。＇；　　and　others。　　And　I

met　among　them　many　men　of　lofty　morals　who　were　truly　religious。　

I　wished　to　be　a　brother　to　them。　　And　what　happened？　　That

teaching　which　promised　to　unite　all　in　one　faith　and　love　　that

very　teaching；　in　the　person　of　its　best　representatives；　told　me

that　these　men　were　all　living　a　lie；　that　what　gave　them　their

power　of　life　was　a　temptation　of　the　devil；　and　that　we　alone

possess　the　only　possible　truth。　　And　I　saw　that　all　who　do　not

profess　an　identical　faith　with　themselves　are　considered　by　the

Orthodox　to　be　heretics；　just　as　the　Catholics　and　others　consider

the　Orthodox　to　be　heretics。　　And　i　saw　that　the　Orthodox　（though

they　try　to　hide　this）　regard　with　hostility　all　who　do　not　express

their　faith　by　the　same　external　symbols　and　words　as　themselves；

and　this　is　naturally　so；　first；　because　the　assertion　that　you　are

in　falsehood　and　I　am　in　truth；　is　the　most　cruel　thing　one　man　can

say　to　another；　and　secondly；　because　a　man　loving　his　children　and

brothers　cannot　help　being　hostile　to　those　who　wish　to　pervert　his

children　and　brothers　to　a　false　belief。　　And　that　hostility　is

increased　in　proportion　to　one's　greater　knowledge　of　theology。　

And　to　me　who　considered　that　truth　lay　in　union　by　love；　it　became

self…evident　that　theology　was　itself　destroying　what　it　ought　to

produce。

　　　　　This　offence　is　so　obvious　to　us　educated　people　who　have

lived　in　countries　where　various　religions　are　professed　and　have

seen　the　contempt；　self…assurance；　and　invincible　contradiction

with　which　Catholics　behave　to　the　Orthodox　Greeks　and　to　the

Protestants；　and　the　Orthodox　to　Catholics　and　Protestants；　and　the

Protestants　to　the　two　others；　and　the　similar　attitude　of　Old…

Believers；　Pashkovites　（Russian　Evangelicals）；　Shakers；　and　all

religions　　that　the　very　obviousness　of　the　temptation　at　first

perplexes　us。　　One　says　to　oneself：　it　is　impossible　that　it　is　so

simple　and　that　people　do　not　see　that　if　two　assertions　are

mutually　contradictory；　then　neither