太子爷小说网 > 英语电子书 > a confession >

第15节

a confession-第15节

小说: a confession 字数: 每页4000字

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页,按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页,按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部!
————未阅读完?加入书签已便下次继续阅读!




one tried to say that *sin* was the enemy prayed against); these

and other prayers; such as the 〃cherubic song〃 and the whole

sacrament of oblation; or 〃the chosen Warriors〃; etc。  quite two…

thirds of all the services  either remained completely

incomprehensible or; when I forced an explanation into them; made

me feel that I was lying; thereby quite destroying my relation to

God and depriving me of all possibility of belief。

     I felt the same about the celebration of the chief holidays。 

To remember the Sabbath; that is to devote one day to God; was

something I could understand。  But the chief holiday was in

commemoration of the Resurrection; the reality of which I could not

picture to myself or understand。  And that name of 〃Resurrection〃

was also given the weekly holiday。   'Footnote: In Russia Sunday

was called Resurrection…day。  A。 M。'  And on those days the

Sacrament of the Eucharist was administered; which was quite

unintelligible to me。  The rest of the twelve great holidays;

except Christmas; commemorated miracles  the things I tried not

to think about in order not to deny: the Ascension; Pentecost;

Epiphany; the Feast of the Intercession of the Holy Virgin; etc。 

At the celebration of these holidays; feeling that importance was

being attributed to the very things that to me presented a negative

importance; I either devised tranquillizing explanations or shut my

eyes in order not to see what tempted me。

     Most of all this happened to me when taking part in the most

usual Sacraments; which are considered the most important: baptism

and communion。  There I encountered not incomprehensible but fully

comprehensible doings: doings which seemed to me to lead into

temptation; and I was in a dilemma  whether to lie or to reject

them。

     Never shall I forge the painful feeling I experienced the day

I received the Eucharist for the first time after many years。  The

service; confession; and prayers were quite intelligible and

produced in me a glad consciousness that the meaning of life was

being revealed to me。  The Communion itself I explained as an act

performed in remembrance of Christ; and indicating a purification

from sin and the full acceptance of Christ's teaching。  If that

explanation was artificial I did not notice its artificiality: so

happy was I at humbling and abasing myself before the priest  a

simple; timid country clergyman  turning all the dirt out of my

soul and confessing my vices; so glad was I to merge in thought

with the humility of the fathers who wrote the prayers of the

office; so glad was I of union with all who have believed and now

believe; that I did not notice the artificiality of my explanation。 

But when I approached the altar gates; and the priest made me say

that I believed that what I was about to swallow was truly flesh

and blood; I felt a pain in my heart: it was not merely a false

note; it was a cruel demand made by someone or other who evidently

had never known what faith is。

     I now permit myself to say that it was a cruel demand; but I

did not then think so: only it was indescribably painful to me。  I

was no longer in the position in which I had been in youth when I

thought all in life was clear; I had indeed come to faith because;

apart from faith; I had found nothing; certainly nothing; except

destruction; therefore to throw away that faith was impossible and

I submitted。  And I found in my soul a feeling which helped me to

endure it。  This was the feeling of self…abasement and humility。 

I humbled myself; swallowed that flesh and blood without any

blasphemous feelings and with a wish to believe。  But the blow had

been struck and; knowing what awaited me; I could not go a second

time。

     I continued to fulfil the rites of the Church and still

believed that the doctrine I was following contained the truth;

when something happened to me which I now understand but which then

seemed strange。

     I was listening to the conversation of an illiterate peasant;

a pilgrim; about God; faith; life; and salvation; when a knowledge

of faith revealed itself to me。  I drew near to the people;

listening to their opinions of life and faith; and I understood the

truth more and more。  So also was it when I read the Lives of Holy

men; which became my favourite books。  Putting aside the miracles

and regarding them as fables illustrating thoughts; this reading

revealed to me life's meaning。  There were the lives of Makarius

the Great; the story of Buddha; there were the words of St。 John

Chrysostom; and there were the stories of the traveller in the

well; the monk who found some gold; and of Peter the publican。 

There were stories of the martyrs; all announcing that death does

not exclude life; and there were the stories of ignorant; stupid

men; who knew nothing of the teaching of the Church but who yet

were saves。

     But as soon as I met learned believers or took up their books;

doubt of myself; dissatisfaction; and exasperated disputation were

roused within me; and I felt that the more I entered into the

meaning of these men's speech; the more I went astray from truth

and approached an abyss。





                               XV



     How often I envied the peasants their illiteracy and lack of

learning!  Those statements in the creeds which to me were evident

absurdities; for them contained nothing false; they could accept

them and could believe in the truth  the truth I believed in。 

Only to me; unhappy man; was it clear that with truth falsehood was

interwoven by finest threads; and that I could not accept it in

that form。

     So I lived for about three years。  At first; when I was only

slightly associated with truth as a catechumen and was only

scenting out what seemed to me clearest; these encounters struck me

less。  When I did not understand anything; I said; 〃It is my fault;

I am sinful〃;  but the more I became imbued with the truths I was

learning; the more they became the basis of my life; the more

oppressive and the more painful became these encounters and the

sharper became the line between what I do not understand because I

am not able to understand it; and what cannot be understood except

by lying to oneself。

     In spite of my doubts and sufferings I still clung to the

Orthodox Church。  But questions of life arose which had to be

decided; and the decision of these questions by the Church 

contrary to the very bases of the belief by which I lived 

obliged me at last to renounce communion with Orthodoxy as

impossible。  These questions were:  first the relation of the

Orthodox Eastern Church to other Churches  to the Catholics and

to the so…called sectarians。  At that time; in consequence of my

interest in religion; I came into touch with believers of various

faiths:  Catholics; protestants; Old…Believers; Molokans 'Footnote: 

A sect that rejects sacraments and ritual。';  and others。  And I

met among them many men of lofty morals who were truly religious。 

I wished to be a brother to them。  And what happened?  That

teaching which promised to unite all in one faith and love  that

very teaching; in the person of its best representatives; told me

that these men were all living a lie; that what gave them their

power of life was a temptation of the devil; and that we alone

possess the only possible truth。  And I saw that all who do not

profess an identical faith with themselves are considered by the

Orthodox to be heretics; just as the Catholics and others consider

the Orthodox to be heretics。  And i saw that the Orthodox (though

they try to hide this) regard with hostility all who do not express

their faith by the same external symbols and words as themselves;

and this is naturally so; first; because the assertion that you are

in falsehood and I am in truth; is the most cruel thing one man can

say to another; and secondly; because a man loving his children and

brothers cannot help being hostile to those who wish to pervert his

children and brothers to a false belief。  And that hostility is

increased in proportion to one's greater knowledge of theology。 

And to me who considered that truth lay in union by love; it became

self…evident that theology was itself destroying what it ought to

produce。

     This offence is so obvious to us educated people who have

lived in countries where various religions are professed and have

seen the contempt; self…assurance; and invincible contradiction

with which Catholics behave to the Orthodox Greeks and to the

Protestants; and the Orthodox to Catholics and Protestants; and the

Protestants to the two others; and the similar attitude of Old…

Believers; Pashkovites (Russian Evangelicals); Shakers; and all

religions  that the very obviousness of the temptation at first

perplexes us。  One says to oneself: it is impossible that it is so

simple and that people do not see that if two assertions are

mutually contradictory; then neither

返回目录 上一页 下一页 回到顶部 0 0

你可能喜欢的