a confession-第1节

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　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　A　Confession



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　by　Lev　Nikolayevich　Tolstoy






　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　I



　　　　　I　was　baptized　and　brought　up　in　the　Orthodox　Christian　faith。　

I　was　taught　it　in　childhood　and　throughout　my　boyhood　and　youth。　

But　when　I　abandoned　the　second　course　of　the　university　at　the　age

of　eighteen　I　no　longer　believed　any　of　the　things　I　had　been

taught。

　　　　　Judging　by　certain　memories；　I　never　seriously　believed　them；

but　had　merely　relied　on　what　I　was　taught　and　on　what　was

professed　by　the　grown…up　people　around　me；　and　that　reliance　was

very　unstable。

　　　　　I　remember　that　before　I　was　eleven　a　grammar　school　pupil；

Vladimir　Milyutin　（long　since　dead）；　visited　us　one　Sunday　and

announced　as　the　latest　novelty　a　discovery　made　at　his　school。　

This　discovery　was　that　there　is　no　God　and　that　all　we　are　taught

about　Him　is　a　mere　invention　（this　was　in　1838）。　　I　remember　how

interested　my　elder　brothers　were　in　this　information。　　They　called

me　to　their　council　and　we　all；　I　remember；　became　very　animated；

and　accepted　it　as　something　very　interesting　and　quite　possible。

　　　　　I　remember　also　that　when　my　elder　brother；　Dmitriy；　who　was

then　at　the　university；　suddenly；　in　the　passionate　way　natural　to

him；　devoted　himself　to　religion　and　began　to　attend　all　the　Church

services；　to　fast　and　to　lead　a　pure　and　moral　life；　we　all　　even

our　elders　　unceasingly　held　him　up　to　ridicule　and　for　some

unknown　reason　called　him　〃Noah〃。　　I　remember　that　Musin…Pushkin；

the　then　Curator　of　Kazan　University；　when　inviting　us　to　dance　at

his　home；　ironically　persuaded　my　brother　（who　was　declining　the

invitation）　by　the　argument　that　even　David　danced　before　the　Ark。　

I　sympathized　with　these　jokes　made　by　my　elders；　and　drew　from

them　the　conclusion　that　though　it　is　necessary　to　learn　the

catechism　and　go　to　church；　one　must　not　take　such　things　too

seriously。　　I　remember　also　that　I　read　Voltaire　when　I　was　very

young；　and　that　his　raillery；　far　from　shocking　me；　amused　me　very

much。

　　　　　My　lapse　from　faith　occurred　as　is　usual　among　people　on　our

level　of　education。　　In　most　cases；　I　think；　it　happens　thus：　　a

man　lives　like　everybody　else；　on　the　basis　of　principles　not

merely　having　nothing　in　common　with　religious　doctrine；　but

generally　opposed　to　it；　religious　doctrine　does　not　play　a　part　in

life；　in　intercourse　with　others　it　is　never　encountered；　and　in　a

man's　own　life　he　never　has　to　reckon　with　it。　　Religious　doctrine

is　professed　far　away　from　life　and　independently　of　it。　　If　it　is

encountered；　it　is　only　as　an　external　phenomenon　disconnected　from

life。

　　　　　Then　as　now；　it　was　and　is　quite　impossible　to　judge　by　a

man's　life　and　conduct　whether　he　is　a　believer　or　not。　　If　there

be　a　difference　between　a　man　who　publicly　professes　orthodoxy　and

one　who　denies　it；　the　difference　is　not　in　favor　of　the　former。　

Then　as　now；　the　public　profession　and　confession　of　orthodoxy　was

chiefly　met　with　among　people　who　were　dull　and　cruel　and　who

considered　themselves　very　important。　　Ability；　honesty；

reliability；　good…nature　and　moral　conduct；　were　often　met　with

among　unbelievers。

　　　　　The　schools　teach　the　catechism　and　send　the　pupils　to　church；

and　government　officials　must　produce　certificates　of　having

received　communion。　　But　a　man　of　our　circle　who　has　finished　his

education　and　is　not　in　the　government　service　may　even　now　（and

formerly　it　was　still　easier　for　him　to　do　so）　live　for　ten　or

twenty　years　without　once　remembering　that　he　is　living　among

Christians　and　is　himself　reckoned　a　member　of　the　orthodox

Christian　Church。

　　　　　So　that；　now　as　formerly；　religious　doctrine；　accepted　on

trust　and　supported　by　external　pressure；　thaws　away　gradually

under　the　influence　of　knowledge　and　experience　of　life　which

conflict　with　it；　and　a　man　very　often　lives　on；　imagining　that　he

still　holds　intact　the　religious　doctrine　imparted　to　him　in

childhood　whereas　in　fact　not　a　trace　of　it　remains。

　　　　　S。；　a　clever　and　truthful　man；　once　told　me　the　story　of　how

he　ceased　to　believe。　　On　a　hunting　expedition；　when　he　was　already

twenty…six；　he　once；　at　the　place　where　they　put　up　for　the　night；

knelt　down　in　the　evening　to　pray　　a　habit　retained　from

childhood。　　His　elder　brother；　who　was　at　the　hunt　with　him；　was

lying　on　some　hay　and　watching　him。　　When　S。　had　finished　and　was

settling　down　for　the　night；　his　brother　said　to　him：　　〃So　you

still　do　that？〃

　　　　　They　said　nothing　more　to　one　another。　　But　from　that　day　S。

ceased　to　say　his　prayers　or　go　to　church。　　And　now　he　has　not

prayed；　received　communion；　or　gone　to　church；　for　thirty　years。　

And　this　not　because　he　knows　his　brother's　convictions　and　has

joined　him　in　them；　nor　because　he　has　decided　anything　in　his　own

soul；　but　simply　because　the　word　spoken　by　his　brother　was　like

the　push　of　a　finger　on　a　wall　that　was　ready　to　fall　by　its　own

weight。　　The　word　only　showed　that　where　he　thought　there　was

faith；　in　reality　there　had　long　been　an　empty　space；　and　that

therefore　the　utterance　of　words　and　the　making　of　signs　of　the

cross　and　genuflections　while　praying　were　quite　senseless　actions。

Becoming　conscious　of　their　senselessness　he　could　not　continue

them。

　　　　　So　it　has　been　and　is；　I　think；　with　the　great　majority　of

people。　　I　am　speaking　of　people　of　our　educational　level　who　are

sincere　with　themselves；　and　not　of　those　who　make　the　profession

of　faith　a　means　of　attaining　worldly　aims。　　（Such　people　are　the

most　fundamental　infidels；　for　if　faith　is　for　them　a　means　of

attaining　any　worldly　aims；　then　certainly　it　is　not　faith。）　　these

people　of　our　education　are　so　placed　that　the　light　of　knowledge

and　life　has　caused　an　artificial　erection　to　melt　away；　and　they

have　either　already　noticed　this　and　swept　its　place　clear；　or　they

have　not　yet　noticed　it。

　　　　　The　religious　doctrine　taught　me　from　childhood　disappeared　in

me　as　in　others；　but　with　this　difference；　that　as　from　the　age　of

fifteen　I　began　to　read　philosophical　works；　my　rejection　of　the

doctrine　became　a　conscious　one　at　a　very　early　age。　　From　the　time

I　was　sixteen　I　ceased　to　say　my　prayers　and　ceased　to　go　to　church

or　to　fast　of　my　own　volition。　　I　did　not　believe　what　had　been

taught　me　in　childhood　but　I　believed　in　something。　　What　it　was　I

believed　in　I　could　not　at　all　have　said。　　I　believed　in　a　God；　or

rather　I　did　not　deny　God　　but　I　could　not　have　said　what　sort　of

God。　　Neither　did　I　deny　Christ　and　his　teaching；　but　what　his

teaching　consisted　in　I　again　could　not　have　said。

　　　　　Looking　back　on　that　time；　I　now　see　clearly　that　my　faith　

my　only　real　faith　　that　which　apart　from　my　animal　instincts

gave　impulse　to　my　life　　was　a　belief　in　perfecting　myself。　　But

in　what　this　perfecting　consisted　and　what　its　object　was；　I　could

not　have　said。　　I　tried　to　perfect　myself　mentally　　I　studied

everything　I　could；　anything　life　threw　in　my　way；　I　tried　to

perfect　my　will；　I　drew　up　rules　I　tried　to　follow；　I　perfected

myself　physically；　cultivating　my　strength　and　agility　by　all　sorts

of　exercises；　and　accustoming　myself　to　endurance　and　patience　by

all　kinds　of　privations。　　And　all　this　I　considered　to　be　the

pursuit　of　perfection。　　the　beginning　of　it　all　was　of　course　moral

perfection；　but　that　was　soon　replaced　by　perfection　in　general：　

by　the　desire　to　be　better　not　in　my　own　eyes　or　those　of　God　but

in　the　eyes　of　other　people。　　And　very　soon　this　effort　again

changed　into　a　desire　to　be　stronger　than　others：　　to　be　more

famous；　more　important　and　richer　than　others。



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　II



　　　　　Some　day　I　will　narrate　the　touching　and　instructive　history

of　my　life　during　those　ten　years　of　my　youth。　　I　think　very　many

people　have　had　a　like　experience。　　With　all　my　soul　I　wished　to　be

good；　but　I　was　young；　passionate　and　alone；　completely　alone　when

I　sought　goodness。　　Every　time　I　tried　to　express　my　most　sincere

desire；　which　was　to　be　morally　good；　I　met　with　contempt　and

ridicule；　but　as　soon　as　I　yielded　to　low　passions　I　was　praised

and　encouraged。

　　　　　Ambition；　love　of　power；　covetousness；　lasciviousness；　pride；

anger；　and　revenge　　were　all　respected。

　　　　　Yielding　to　those　passions　I　became　like　the　grown…up　folk　and

felt　that　they　approved　of　me。　　The　kind　aunt　with　whom　I　lived；

herself　the　purest　of　beings；　always　told　me　that　there　was　nothing

she　so　desired　for　me　as　that　I　should　have　relations　with　a

married　woman：　　'Rien　ne　forme　un　juene　homme；　comme　une　liaison

avec　une　femme　comme　il　faut'。　　＇Footnote：　　Nothing　so　forms　a

young　man　as　an　intimacy　with　a　woman　of　good　breeding。＇　　Another

happiness　she　desired　for　me　was　that　I　should　become　an　aide…de…

camp；　and　if　possible　aide…de…camp　to　the　Emperor。　　But　the

greatest　happiness　of　all　would　be　that　I　should