the brotherhood of consolation-第14节

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'Yes；'　he　answered；　'for　I　believed　you　my　friend。'　At　that　moment　I
felt　myself　inferior　to　Mongenod；　so　sublime　did　he　seem　to　me　as　he
said　those　grand　words。　'Did　I　not　speak　to　you　frankly；'　he　said；　'in
this　very　room？　I　came　to　you；　Alain；　as　the　only　person　who　would
really　understand　me。　I　told　you　that　fifty　louis　would　be　lost；　but　a
hundred　I　could　return　to　you。　I　did　not　bind　myself　by　saying　when；
for　how　could　I　know　the　time　at　which　my　long　struggle　with　disaster
would　end？　You　were　my　last　friend。　All　others；　even　our　old　master
Bordin；　despised　me　for　the　very　reason　that　I　borrowed　money　of　them。
Oh！　you　do　not　know；　Alain；　the　dreadful　sensation　which　grips　the
heart　of　an　honest　man　when；　in　the　throes　of　poverty；　he　goes　to　a
friend　and　asks　him　for　succor；and　all　that　follows！　I　hope　you
never　may　know　it；　it　is　far　worse　than　the　anguish　of　death。　You　have
written　me　letters　which；　if　I　had　written　them　to　you　in　a　like
situation；　you　would　have　thought　very　odious。　You　expected　of　me　that
which　it　was　out　of　my　power　to　do。　But　you　are　the　only　person　to
whom　I　shall　try　to　justify　myself。　In　spite　of　your　severity；　and
though　from　being　a　friend　you　became　a　creditor　on　the　day　when
Bordin　asked　for　my　note　on　your　behalf　（thus　abrogating　the　generous
compact　you　had　made　with　me　there；　on　that　spot；　when　we　clasped
hands　and　mingled　our　tears）；well；　in　spite　of　all　that；　I　have
remembered　that　day；　and　because　of　it　I　have　come　here　to　say　to　you；
You　do　not　know　misery；　therefore　do　not　judge　it。　I　have　not　had　one
moment　when　I　could　answer　you。　Would　you　have　wished　me　to　come　here
and　cajole　you　with　words？　I　could　not　pay　you；　I　did　not　even　have
enough　for　the　bare　necessities　of　those　whose　lives　depended　on　me。
My　play　brought　little。　A　novice　in　theatrical　ways；　I　became　a　prey
to　musicians；　actors；　journalists；　orchestras。　To　get　the　means　to
leave　Paris　and　join　my　family；　and　carry　to　them　the　few　things　they
need；　I　have　sold　〃Les　Peruviens〃　outright　to　the　director；　with　two
other　pieces　which　I　had　in　my　portfolio。　I　start　for　Holland　without
a　sou；　I　must　reach　Flushing　as　best　I　can；　my　voyage　is　paid；　that　is
all。　Were　it　not　for　the　pity　of　my　landlady；　who　has　confidence　in
me；　I　should　have　to　travel　on　foot；　with　my　bag　upon　my　back。　But；　in
spite　of　your　doubts　of　me；　I；　remembering　that　without　you　I　never
could　have　sent　my　wife　and　father…in…law　to　New　York；　am　forever
grateful　to　you。　No；　Monsieur　Alain；　I　shall　not　forget　that　the
hundred　louis　d'or　you　lent　me　would　have　yielded　you　to…day　fifteen
hundred　francs　a　year。'　'I　desire　to　believe　you；　Mongenod；'　I　said；
shaken　by　the　tone　in　which　he　made　this　explanation。　'Ah；　you　no
longer　say　/monsieur/　to　me！'　he　said　quickly；　with　a　tender　glance。
'My　God！　I　shall　quit　France　with　less　regret　if　I　can　leave　one　man
behind　me　in　whose　eyes　I　am　not　half　a　swindler；　nor　a　spendthrift；
nor　a　man　of　illusions！　Alain；　I　have　loved　an　angel　in　the　midst　of
my　misery。　A　man　who　truly　loves　cannot　be　despicable。'　At　those　words
I　stretched　out　my　hand　to　him。　He　took　it　and　wrung　it。　'May　heaven
protect　you！'　I　said。　'Are　we　still　friends？'　he　asked。　'Yes；'　I
replied。　'It　shall　never　be　that　my　childhood's　comrade　and　the　friend
of　my　youth　left　me　for　America　under　the　feeling　that　I　was　angry
with　him。'　Mongenod　kissed　me；　with　tears　in　his　eyes；　and　rushed
away。〃

Monsieur　Alain　stopped　in　his　narrative　for　an　instant　and　looked　at
Godefroid。　〃I　remember　that　day　with　some　satisfaction；〃　he　said。　Then
he　resumed：

〃A　week　or　so　later　I　met　Bordin　and　told　him　of　that　interview。　He
smiled　and　said：　'I　hope　it　was　not　a　pretty　bit　of　comedy。　Didn't　he
ask　for　anything？'　'No；'　I　answered。　'Well；　he　came　to　see　me　the　same
day。　I　was　almost　as　touched　as　you；　and　he　asked　me　for　means　to　get
food　on　his　journey。　Well；　well；　time　will　show！'　These　remarks　of
Bordin　made　me　fear　I　had　foolishly　yielded　to　mistaken　sensibility。
'Nevertheless；'　I　said　to　myself；　'he；　the　old　lawyer；　did　as　I　did。'
I　do　not　think　it　necessary　to　explain　to　you　how　I　lost　all；　or
nearly　all；　my　property。　I　had　placed　a　little　in　the　Funds；　which
gave　me　five　hundred　francs　a　year；　all　else　was　gone。　I　was　then
thirty…four　years　old。　I　obtained；　through　the　influence　of　Monsieur
Bordin；　a　place　as　clerk；　with　a　salary　of　eight　hundred　francs；　in　a
branch　office　of　the　Mont…de…piete；　rue　des　Augustins。＇*＇　From　that
time　I　lived　very　modestly。　I　found　a　small　lodging　in　the　rue　des
Marais；　on　the　third　floor　（two　rooms　and　a　closet）；　for　two　hundred
and　fifty　francs　a　year。　I　dined　at　a　common　boarding…house　for　forty
francs　a　month。　I　copied　writings　at　night。　Ugly　as　I　was　and　poor；　I
had　to　renounce　marriage。〃

＇*＇　The　Mont…de…Piete　and　its　branches　are　pawn…shops　under　control　of
　　　　the　government。TR。

As　Godefroid　heard　this　judgment　which　the　poor　man　passed　upon
himself　with　beautiful　simplicity　and　resignation；　he　made　a　movement
which　proved；　far　more　than　any　confidence　in　words　could　have　done；
the　resemblance　of　their　destinies；　and　the　goodman；　in　answer　to　that
eloquent　gesture；　seemed　to　expect　the　words　that　followed　it。

〃Have　you　never　been　loved？〃　asked　Godefroid。

〃Never！〃　he　said；　〃except　by　Madame；　who　returns　to　us　all　the　love　we
have　for　her；a　love　which　I　may　call　divine。　You　must　be　aware　of
it。　We　live　through　her　life　as　she　lives　through　ours；　we　have　but
one　soul　among　us；　and　such　pleasures；　though　they　are　not　physical；
are　none　the　less　intense；　we　exist　through　our　hearts。　Ah；　my　child！〃
he　continued；　〃when　women　come　to　appreciate　moral　qualities；　they　are
indifferent　to　others；　and　they　are　then　oldOh！　I　have　suffered
deeply；yes；　deeply！〃

〃And　I；　in　the　same　way；〃　said　Godefroid。

〃Under　the　Empire；〃　said　the　worthy　man；　resuming　his　narrative；　〃the
Funds　did　not　always　pay　their　dividends　regularly；　it　was　necessary
to　be　prepared　for　suspensions　of　payment。　From　1802　to　1814　there　was
scarcely　a　week　that　I　did　not　attribute　my　misfortune　to　Mongenod。
'If　it　were　not　for　Mongenod；'　I　used　to　say　to　myself；　'I　might　have
married。　If　I　had　never　known　him　I　should　not　be　obliged　to　live　in
such　privation。'　But　then；　again；　there　were　other　times　when　I　said；
'Perhaps　the　unfortunate　fellow　has　met　with　ill　luck　over　there。'　In
1806；　at　a　time　when　I　found　my　life　particularly　hard　to　bear；　I
wrote　him　a　long　letter；　which　I　sent　by　way　of　Holland。　I　received　no
answer。　I　waited　three　years；　placing　all　my　hopes　on　that　answer。　At
last　I　resigned　myself　to　my　life。　To　the　five　hundred　francs　I
received　from　the　Funds　I　now　added　twelve　hundred　from　the　Mont…de…
piete　（for　they　raised　my　salary）；　and　five　hundred　which　I　obtained
from　Monsieur　Cesar　Birotteau；　perfumer；　for　keeping　his　books　in　the
evening。　Thus；　not　only　did　I　manage　to　get　along　comfortably；　but　I
laid　by　eight　hundred　francs　a　year。　At　the　beginning　of　1814　I
invested　nine　thousand　francs　of　my　savings　at　forty　francs　in　the
Funds；　and　thus　I　was　sure　of　sixteen　hundred　francs　a　year　for　my　old
age。　By　that　time　I　had　fifteen　hundred　a　year　from　the　Mont…de…piete；
six　hundred　for　my　book…keeping；　sixteen　hundred　from　the　Funds；　in
all；　three　thousand　seven　hundred　francs　a　year。　I　took　a　lodging　in
the　rue　de　Seine；　and　lived　a　little　better。　My　place　had　brought　me
into　relations　with　many　unfortunates。　For　the　last　twelve　years　I　had
known　better　than　any　man　whatsoever　the　misery　of　the　poor。　Once　or
twice　I　had　been　able　to　do　a　real　service。　I　felt　a　vivid　pleasure
when　I　found　that　out　of　ten　persons　relieved；　one　or　two　households
had　been　put　on　their　feet。　It　came　into　my　mind　that　benevolence
ought　not　to　consist　in　throwing　money　to　those　who　suffered。　'Doing
charity；'　to　use　that　common　expression；　seemed　to　me　too　often　a
premium　offered　to　crime。　I　began　to　study　the　question。　I　was　then
fifty　years　of　age；　and　my　life　was　nearly　over。　'Of　what　good　am　I？'
thought　I。　'To　whom　can　I　leave　my　savings？　When　I　have　furnished　my
rooms　handsomely；　and　found　a　good　cook；　and　made　my　life　suitable　in
all　respects；　what　then？how　shall　I　employ　my　time？'　Eleven　years　of
revolution；　and　fifteen　years　of　poverty；　had；　as　I　may　say；　eaten　up
the　most　precious　parts　of　my　life；used　it　up　in　sterile　toil　for　my
own　individual　preservation。　No　man　at　the　age　of　fifty　could　spring
from　that　obscure；　repressed　condition　to　a　brilliant　future；　but
every　man　could　be　of　use。　I　understood　by　this　time　that　watchful
care　and　wise　counsels　have　tenfold　greater　value　than　money　given；
for　the　poor；　above　all　things；　need　a　guide；　if　only　in　the　labor
they　do　for　others；　for　speculators　are　never　lacking　to　take
advantage　of　them。　Here　I　saw　before　me　both　an　end　and　an　occupation；
not　to　speak　of　the　exquisite　enjoyments　obtained　by　playing　in　a
miniature　way　the　role　of　Providence。〃

〃And　to…day　you　play　it　in　a　grand　way；　do　you　not？〃　asked　Godefroid；
eagerly。

〃Ah！　you　want　to　know　everything；〃　said　the　old　man。　〃No；　no！　Would
you　believe　it；〃　he　continued　after　this　interruption；　〃the　smallness
of　my　means　to　do　the　wor