robert falconer-第65节

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years　he　looked　down　from　between　the　pillars　of　the　gallery；　that

creeps　round　the　church　through　the　thickness　of　the　wall；　like　an

artery；　and　recalled　the　service　of　this　Sunday　morning；　he　felt

more　strongly　than　ever　that　such　a　faith　had　not　reared　that

cathedral。　　The　service　was　like　the　church　only　as　a　dead　body　is

like　a　man。　　There　was　no　fervour　in　it；　no　aspiration。　　The　great

central　tower　was　gone。



That　morning　prayers　and　sermon　were　philosophically　dull；　and

respectable　as　any　after…dinner　speech。　　Nor　could　it　well　be

otherwise：　one　of　the　favourite　sayings　of　its　minister　was；　that　a

clergyman　is　nothing　but　a　moral　policeman。　　As　such；　however；　he

more　resembled　one　of　Dogberry's　watch。　　He　could　not　even　preach

hell　with　any　vigour；　for　as　a　gentleman　he　recoiled　from　the

vulgarity　of　the　doctrine；　yielding　only　a　few　feeble　words　on　the

subject　as　a　sop　to　the　Cerberus　that　watches　over　the　dues　of　the

Biblequite　unaware　that　his　notion　of　the　doctrine　had　been　drawn

from　the　？neid；　and　not　from　the　Bible。



'Well；　have　you　got　anything；　Robert？'　asked　Ericson；　as　he　entered

his　room。



'Nothing；'　answered　Robert。



'What　was　the　sermon　about？'



'It　was　all　to　prove　that　God　is　a　benevolent　being。'



'Not　a　devil；　that　is；'　answered　Ericson。　'Small　consolation　that。'



'Sma'　eneuch；'　responded　Robert。　'I　cudna　help　thinkin'　I　kent　mony

a　tyke　（dog）　that　God　had　made　wi'　mair　o'　what　I　wad　ca'　the　divine

natur'　in　him　nor　a'　that　Dr。　Soulis　made　oot　to　be　in　God　himsel'。

He　had　no　ill　intentions　wi'　usit　amuntit　to　that。　　He　wasna

ill…willy；　as　the　bairns　say。　　But　the　doctor　had　some　sair　wark；　I

thoucht；　to　mak　that　oot；　seein'　we　war　a'　the　children　o'　wrath；

accordin'　to　him；　born　in　sin；　and　inheritin'　the　guilt　o'　Adam's

first　trespass。　　I　dinna　think　Dr。　Soulis　cud　say　that　God　had　dune

the　best　he　cud　for　's。　　But　he　never　tried　to　say　onything　like

that。　　He　jist　made　oot　that　he　was　a　verra　respectable　kin'　o'　a

God；　though　maybe　no　a'thing　we　micht　wuss。　　We　oucht　to　be　thankfu'

that　he　gae's　a　wee　blink　o'　a　chance　o'　no　bein'　brunt　to　a'

eternity；　wi'　nae　chance　ava。　　I　dinna　say　that　he　said　that；　but

that's　what　it　a'　seemed　to　me　to　come　till。　　He　said　a　hantle　aboot

the　care　o'　Providence；　but　a'　the　gude　that　he　did　seemed　to　me　to

be　but　a　haudin'　aff　o'　something　ill　that　he　had　made　as　weel。　　Ye

wad　hae　thocht　the　deevil　had　made　the　warl'；　and　syne　God　had

pitten　us　intil　't；　and　jist　gied　a　bit　wag　o'　's　han'　whiles　to

haud　the　deevil　aff　o'　's　whan　he　was　like　to　destroy　the　breed

a'thegither。　　For　the　grace　that　he　spak　aboot；　that　was　less　nor

the　nature　an'　the　providence。　　I　cud　see　unco　little　o'　grace　intil

't。'



Here　Ericson　broke　infearful；　apparently；　lest　his　boyfriend

should　be　actually　about　to　deny　the　God　in　whom　he　did　not　himself

believe。



'Robert；'　he　said　solemnly；　'one　thing　is　certain：　if　there　be　a　God

at　all；　he　is　not　like　that。　　If　there　be　a　God　at　all；　we　shall

know　him　by　his　perfectionhis　grand　perfect　truth；　fairness；

lovea　love　to　make　life　an　absolute　goodnot　a　mere　accommodation

of　difficulties；　not　a　mere　preponderance　of　the　balance　on　the　side

of　well…being。　　Love　only　could　have　been　able　to　create。　　But　they

don't　seem　jealous　for　the　glory　of　God；　those　men。　　They　don't　mind

a　speck；　or　even　a　blot；　here　and　there　upon　him。　　The　world　doesn't

make　them　miserable。　　They　can　get　over　the　misery　of　their

fellow…men　without　being　troubled　about　them；　or　about　the　God　that

could　let　such　things　be。7　They　represent　a　God　who　does　wonderfully

well；　on　the　whole；　after　a　middling　fashion。　　I　want　a　God　who

loves　perfectly。　　He　may　kill；　he　may　torture　even；　but　if　it　be　for

love's　sake；　Lord；　here　am　I。　Do　with　me　as　thou　wilt。'



Had　Ericson　forgotten　that　he　had　no　proof　of　such　a　God？　　The　next

moment　the　intellectual　demon　was　awake。



'But　what's　the　good　of　it　all？'　he　said。　'I　don't　even　know　that

there　is　anything　outside　of　me。'



'Ye　ken　that　I'm　here；　Mr。　Ericson；'　suggested　Robert。



'I　know　nothing　of　the　sort。　　You　may　be　another　phantomonly

clearer。'



'Ye　speik　to　me　as　gin　ye　thocht　me　somebody。'



'So　does　the　man　to　his　phantoms；　and　you　call　him　mad。　　It　is　but　a

yielding　to　the　pressure　of　constant　suggestion。　　I　do　not　knowI

cannot　know　if　there　is　anything　outside　of　me。'



'But　gin　there　warna；　there　wad　be　naebody　for　ye　to　love；　Mr。

Ericson。'



'Of　course　not。'



'Nor　naebody　to　love　you；　Mr。　Ericson。'



'Of　course　not。'



'Syne　ye　wad　be　yer　ain　God；　Mr。　Ericson。'



'Yes。　That　would　follow。'



'I　canna　imagine　a　waur　hellclosed　in　amo'　naethingwi'　naething

a'　aboot　ye；　luikin'　something　a'　the　timekennin'　'at　it　's　a'　a

lee；　and　nae　able　to　win　clear　o'　't。'



'It　is　hell；　my　boy；　or　anything　worse　you　can　call　it。'



'What　for　suld　ye　believe　that；　than；　Mr。　Ericson？　　I　wadna　believe

sic　an　ill　thing　as　that。　　I　dinna　think　I　cud　believe　't；　gin　ye

war　to　pruv　't　to　me。'



'I　don't　believe　it。　　Nobody　could　prove　that　either；　even　if　it

were　so。　　I　am　only　miserable　that　I　can't　prove　the　contrary。'



'Suppose　there　war　a　God；　Mr。　Ericson；　do　ye　think　ye　bude　（behoved）

to　be　able　to　pruv　that？　　Do　ye　think　God　cud　stan'　to　be　pruved　as

gin　he　war　something　sma'　eneuch　to　be　turned　roon'　and　roon'；　and

luikit　at　upo'　ilka　side？　　Gin　there　war　a　God；　wadna　it　jist　be

saethat　we　cudna　prove　him　to　be；　I　mean？'



'Perhaps。　　That　is　something。　　I　have　often　thought　of　that。　　But

then　you　can't　prove　anything　about　it。'



'I　canna　help　thinkin'　o'　what　Mr。　Innes　said　to　me　ance。　　I　was　but

a　laddie；　but　I　never　forgot　it。　　I　plaguit　him　sair　wi'　wantin'　to

unnerstan'　ilka　thing　afore　I　wad　gang　on　wi'　my　questons　（sums）。

Says　he；　ae　day；　〃Robert；　my　man；　gin　ye　will　aye　unnerstan'　afore

ye　du　as　ye're　tellt；　ye'll　never　unnerstan'　onything。　　But　gin　ye

du　the　thing　I　tell　ye；　ye'll　be　i'　the　mids　o'　't　afore　ye　ken　'at

ye're　gaein'　intil　't。〃　　I　jist　thocht　I　wad　try　him。　　It　was　at

lang　division　that　I　boglet　maist。　　Weel；　I　gaed　on；　and　I　cud　du

the　thing　weel　eneuch；　ohn　made　ae　mistak。　　And　aye　I　thocht　the

maister　was　wrang；　for　I　never　kent　the　rizzon　o'　a'　that　beginnin'

at　the　wrang　en'；　an'　takin'　doon　an'　substrackin'；　an'　a'　that。　　Ye

wad　hardly　believe　me；　Mr。　Ericson：　it　was　only　this　verra　day；　as　I

was　sittin'　i'　the　kirkit　was　a　lang　psalm　they　war　singin'that

ane　wi'　the　foxes　i'　the　tail　o'　'tlang　division　came　into　my　heid

again；　and　first　aye　bit　glimmerin'　o'　licht　cam　in；　and　syne

anither；　an'　afore　the　psalm　was　dune　I　saw　throu'　the　haill　process

o'　't。　　But　ye　see；　gin　I　hadna　dune　as　I　was　tauld；　and　learnt　a'

aboot　hoo　it　was　dune　aforehan'；　I　wad　hae　had　naething　to　gang

rizzonin'　aboot；　an'　wad　hae　fun'　oot　naething。'



'That's　good；　Robert。　　But　when　a　man　is　dying　for　food；　he　can't

wait。'



'He　micht　try　to　get　up　and　luik；　though。　　He　needna　bide　in　's　bed

till　somebody　comes　an'　sweirs　till　him　'at　he　saw　a　haddie

（haddock）　i'　the　press。'



'I　have　been　looking；　Robertfor　years。'



'Maybe；　like　me；　only　for　the　rizzon　o'　't；　Mr。　Ericsongin　ye'll

forgie　my　impidence。'



'But　what's　to　be　done　in　this　case；　Robert？　　Where's　the　work　that

you　can　do　in　order　to　understand？　　Where's　your　long　division；

man？'



'Ye're　ayont　me　noo。　　I　canna　tell　that；　Mr。　Ericson。　　It　canna　be

gaein'　to　the　kirk；　surely。　　Maybe　it　micht　be　sayin'　yer　prayers

and　readin'　yer　Bible。'



Ericson　did　not　reply；　and　the　conversation　dropped。　　Is　it　strange

that　neither　of　these　disciples　should　have　thought　of　turning　to

the　story　of　Jesus；　finding　some　word　that　he　had　spoken；　and

beginning　to　do　that　as　a　first　step　towards　a　knowledge　of　the

doctrine　that　Jesus　was　the　incarnate　God；　come　to　visit　his

peoplea　very　unlikely　thing　to　man's　wisdom；　yet　an　idea　that　has

notwithstanding　ascended　above　man's　horizon；　and　shown　itself　the

grandest　idea　in　his　firmament？



In　the　evening　Ericson　asked　again　for　his　papers；　from　which　he

handed　Robert　the　following　poem：



WORDS　IN　THE　NIGHT。



I　woke　at　midnight；　and　my　heart；

My　beating　heart　said　this　to　me：

Thou　seest　the　moon　how　calm　and　bright

The　world　is　fair　by　day　and　night；

But　what　is　that　to　thee？

One　touch　to　medown　dips　the　light

Over　the　land　and　sea。

All　is　mine；　all　is　my　own！

Toss　the　purple　fountain　high！

The　breast　of　man　is　a　vat　of　stone；

I　am　alive；　I；　only　I！



One　little　touch　and　all　is　dark；

The　winter　with　its　sparkling　moons

The　spring　with　all　her　violets；

The　crimson　dawns　and　rich　sunsets；

The　autumn's　yellowing　noons。

I　only　toss　my　purple　jets；

And　thou　art　one　that　swoons

Upon　a　night　of　gust　and　roar；

Shipwrecked　among　the　waves；　and　seems

Across　the　purple　hills　to　roam；

Sweet　odours　touch　him　fr