robert falconer-第26节

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something　to　do　with　the　New　Jerusalem。　　But　the　sadness　of　it　all

at　length　overpowered　him；　and　he　burst　out　crying。　　For　it　was

awfully　sad　that　his　mother's　portrait　should　be　in　his　own　mother's

box。



He　took　a　bit　of　red　tape　off　a　bundle　of　the　papers；　put　it　through

the　eye　of　the　setting；　and　hung　the　picture　round　his　neck；　inside

his　clothes；　for　grannie　must　not　see　it。　　She　would　take　that　away

as　she　had　taken　his　fiddle。　　He　had　a　nameless　something　now　for

which　he　had　been　longing　for　years。



Looking　again　in　the　box；　he　found　a　little　bit　of　paper；

discoloured　with　antiquity；　as　it　seemed　to　him；　though　it　was　not

so　old　as　himself。　　Unfolding　it　he　found　written　upon　it　a

well…known　hymn；　and　at　the　bottom　of　the　hymn；　the　words：　'O　Lord！

my　heart　is　very　sore。'The　treasure　upon　Robert's　bosom　was　no

longer　the　symbol　of　a　mother's　love；　but　of　a　woman's　sadness；

which　he　could　not　reach　to　comfort。　　In　that　hour；　the　boy　made　a

great　stride　towards　manhood。　　Doubtless　his　mother's　grief　had　been

the　same　as　grannie'sthe　fear　that　she　would　lose　her　husband　for

ever。　　The　hourly　fresh　griefs　from　neglect　and　wrong　did　not　occur

to　him；　only　the　never　never　more。　　He　looked　no　farther；　took　the

portrait　from　his　neck　and　replaced　it　with　the　paper；　put　the　box

back；　and　walled　it　up　in　solitude　once　more　with　the　dusty　bundles。

Then　he　went　down　to　his　grandmother；　sadder　and　more　desolate　than

ever。



He　found　her　seated　in　her　usual　place。　　Her　New　Testament；　a

large…print　octavo；　lay　on　the　table　beside　her　unopened；　for　where

within　those　boards　could　she　find　comfort　for　a　grief　like　hers？

That　it　was　the　will　of　God　might　well　comfort　any　suffering　of　her

own；　but　would　it　comfort　Andrew？　and　if　there　was　no　comfort　for

Andrew；　how　was　Andrew's　mother　to　be　comforted？



Yet　God　had　given　his　first…born　to　save　his　brethren：　how　could　he

be　pleased　that　she　should　dry　her　tears　and　be　comforted？　　True；

some　awful　unknown　force　of　a　necessity　with　which　God　could　not

cope　came　in　to　explain　it；　but　this　did　not　make　God　more　kind；　for

he　knew　it　all　every　time　he　made　a　man；　nor　man　less　sorrowful；　for

God　would　have　his　very　mother　forget　him；　or；　worse　still；　remember

him　and　be　happy。



'Read　a　chapter　till　me；　laddie；'　she　said。



Robert　opened　and　read　till　he　came　to　the　words：　'I　pray　not　for

the　world。'



'He　was　o'　the　world；'　said　the　old　woman；　'and　gin　Christ　wadna

pray　for　him；　what　for　suld　I？'



Already；　so　soon　after　her　son's　death；　would　her　theology　begin　to

harden　her　heart。　　The　strife　which　results　from　believing　that　the

higher　love　demands　the　suppression　of　the　lower；　is　the　most

fearful　of　all　discords；　the　absolute　love　slaying　lovethe　house

divided　against　itself；　one　moment　all　given　up　for　the　will　of　Him；

the　next　the　human　tenderness　rushing　back　in　a　flood。　　Mrs。

Falconer　burst　into　a　very　agony　of　weeping。　　From　that　day；　for

many　years；　the　name　of　her　lost　Andrew　never　passed　her　lips　in　the

hearing　of　her　grandson；　and　certainly　in　that　of　no　one　else。



But　in　a　few　weeks　she　was　more　cheerful。　　It　is　one　of　the

mysteries　of　humanity　that　mothers　in　her　circumstances；　and　holding

her　creed；　do　regain　not　merely　the　faculty　of　going　on　with　the

business　of　life；　but；　in　most　cases；　even　cheerfulness。　　The

infinite　Truth；　the　Love　of　the　universe；　supports　them　beyond　their

consciousness；　coming　to　them　like　sleep　from　the　roots　of　their

being；　and　having　nothing　to　do　with　their　opinions　or　beliefs。　　And

hence　spring　those　comforting　subterfuges　of　hope　to　which　they　all

fly。　　Not　being　able　to　trust　the　Father　entirely；　they　yet　say：

'Who　can　tell　what　took　place　at　the　last　moment？　　Who　can　tell

whether　God　did　not　please　to　grant　them　saving　faith　at　the

eleventh　hour？'that　so　they　might　pass　from　the　very　gates　of

hell；　the　only　place　for　which　their　life　had　fitted　them；　into　the

bosom　of　love　and　purity！　　This　God　could　do　for　all：　this　for　the

son　beloved　of　his　mother　perhaps　he　might　do！



O　rebellious　mother　heart！　dearer　to　God　than　that　which　beats

laboriously　solemn　under　Genevan　gown　or　Lutheran　surplice！　if　thou

wouldst　read　by　thine　own　large　light；　instead　of　the　glimmer　from

the　phosphorescent　brains　of　theologians；　thou　mightst　even　be　able

to　understand　such　a　simple　word　as　that　of　the　Saviour；　when；

wishing　his　disciples　to　know　that　he　had　a　nearer　regard　for　them

as　his　brethren　in　holier　danger；　than　those　who　had　not　yet

partaken　of　his　light；　and　therefore　praying　for　them　not　merely　as

human　beings；　but　as　the　human　beings　they　were；　he　said　to　his

Father　in　their　hearing：　'I　pray　not　for　the　world；　but　for

them；'not　for　the　world　now；　but　for　thema　meaningless

utterance；　if　he　never　prayed　for　the　world；　a　word　of　small

meaning；　if　it　was　not　his　very　wont　and　custom　to　pray　for　the

worldfor　men　as　men。　　Lord　Christ！　not　alone　from　the　pains　of

hell；　or　of　consciencenot　alone　from　the　outer　darkness　of　self

and　all　that　is　mean　and　poor　and　low；　do　we　fly　to　thee；　but　from

the　anger　that　arises　within　us　at　the　wretched　words　spoken　in　thy

name；　at　the　degradation　of　thee　and　of　thy　Father　in　the　mouths　of

those　that　claim　especially　to　have　found　thee；　do　we　seek　thy　feet。

Pray　thou　for　them　also；　for　they　know　not　what　they　do。









CHAPTER　XIV。



MARY　ST。　　JOHN。



After　this；　day　followed　day　in　calm；　dull　progress。　　Robert　did　not

care　for　the　games　through　which　his　school…fellows　forgot　the

little　they　had　to　forget；　and　had　therefore　few　in　any　sense　his

companions。　　So　he　passed　his　time　out　of　school　in　the　society　of

his　grandmother　and　Shargar；　except　that　spent　in　the　garret；　and

the　few　hours　a　week　occupied　by　the　lessons　of　the　shoemaker。　　For

he　went　on；　though　half…heartedly；　with　those　lessons；　given　now

upon　Sandy's　redeemed　violin　which　he　called　his　old　wife；　and　made

a　little　progress　even；　as　we　sometimes　do　when　we　least　think　it。



He　took　more　and　more　to　brooding　in　the　garret；　and　as　more

questions　presented　themselves　for　solution；　he　became　more　anxious

to　arrive　at　the　solution；　and　more　uneasy　as　he　failed　in

satisfying　himself　that　he　had　arrived　at　it；　so　that　his　brain；

which　needed　quiet　for　the　true　formation　of　its　substance；　as　a

cooling　liquefaction　or　an　evaporating　solution　for　the　just

formation　of　its　crystals；　became　in　danger　of　settling　into　an

abnormal　arrangement　of　the　cellular　deposits。



I　believe　that　even　the　new…born　infant　is；　in　some　of　his　moods；

already　grappling　with　the　deepest　metaphysical　problems；　in　forms

infinitely　too　rudimental　for　the　understanding　of　the　grown

philosopheras　far；　in　fact；　removed　from　his　ken　on　the　one　side；

that　of　intelligential　beginning；　the　germinal　subjective；　as　his

abstrusest　speculations　are　from　the　final　solutions　of　absolute

entity　on　the　other。　　If　this　be　the　case；　it　is　no　wonder　that　at

Robert's　age　the　deepest　questions　of　his　coming　manhood　should　be

in　active　operation；　although　so　surrounded　with　the　yoke　of　common

belief　and　the　shell　of　accredited　authority；　that　the　embryo　faith；

which　in　minds　like　his　always　takes　the　form　of　doubt；　could　not　be

defined　any　more　than　its　existence　could　be　disproved。　　I　have

given　a　hint　at　the　tendency　of　his　mind　already；　in　the　fact　that

one　of　the　most　definite　inquiries　to　which　he　had　yet　turned　his

thoughts　was；　whether　God　would　have　mercy　upon　a　repentant　devil。

An　ordinary　puzzle　had　beenif　his　father　were　to　marry　again；　and

it　should　turn　out　after　all　that　his　mother　was　not　dead；　what　was

his　father　to　do？　　But　this　was　over　now。　　A　third　was；　why；　when　he

came　out　of　church；　sunshine　always　made　him　miserable；　and　he　felt

better　able　to　be　good　when　it　rained　or　snowed　hard。　　I　might

mention　the　inquiry　whether　it　was　not　possible　somehow　to　elude　the

omniscience　of　God；　but　that　is　a　common　question　with　thoughtful

children；　and　indicates　little　that　is　characteristic　of　the

individual。　　That　he　puzzled　himself　about　the　perpetual　motion　may

pass　for　little　likewise；　but　one　thing　which　is　worth　mentioning；

for　indeed　it　caused　him　considerable　distress；　was；　that　in　reading

the　Paradise　Lost　he　could　not　help　sympathizing　with　Satan；　and

feelingI　do　not　say　thinkingthat　the　Almighty　was　pompous；

scarcely　reasonable；　and　somewhat　revengeful。



He　was　recognized　amongst　his　school…fellows　as　remarkable　for　his

love　of　fair…play；　so　much　so；　that　he　was　their　constant　referee。

Add　to　this　that；　notwithstanding　his　sympathy　with　Satan；　he

almost　invariably　sided　with　his　master；　in　regard　of　any　angry

reflection　or　seditious　movement；　and　even　when　unjustly　punished

himself；　the　occasional　result　of　a　certain　backwardness　in

self…defence；　never　showed　any　resentmenta　most　improbable

statement；　I　admit；　but　nevertheless　trueand　I　think　th