robert falconer-第22节

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liberties　with　a　piece　of　lumber　for　which　nobody　cared　but　possibly

the　dead；　therefore　he　was　not　unhappy；　only　much　disappointed；　very

empty；　and　somewhat　gloomy。　　There　was　nothing　to　look　forward　to

now；　no　secret　full　of　riches　and　endless　in　hopein　short；　no

violin。



To　feel　the　full　force　of　his　loss；　my　reader　must　remember　that

around　the　childhood　of　Robert；　which　he　was　fast　leaving　behind

him；　there　had　gathered　no　tendernessnone　at　least　by　him

recognizable　as　such。　　All　the　women　he　came　in　contact　with　were

his　grandmother　and　Betty。　　He　had　no　recollection　of　having　ever

been　kissed。　　From　the　darkness　and　negation　of　such　an

embryo…existence；　his　nature　had　been　unconsciously　striving　to

escapestruggling　to　get　from　below　ground　into　the　sunlit

airsighing　after　a　freedom　he　could　not　have　defined；　the　freedom

that　comes；　not　of　independence；　but　of　lovenot　of　lawlessness；

but　of　the　perfection　of　law。　　Of　this　beauty　of　life；　with　its

wonder　and　its　deepness；　this　unknown　glory；　his　fiddle　had　been　the

type。　　It　had　been　the　ark　that　held；　if　not　the　tables　of　the

covenant；　yet　the　golden　pot　of　angel's　food；　and　the　rod　that

budded　in　death。　　And　now　that　it　was　gone；　the　gloomier　aspect　of

things　began　to　lay　hold　upon　him；　his　soul　turned　itself　away　from

the　sun；　and　entered　into　the　shadow　of　the　under…world。　　Like　the

white…horsed　twins　of　lake　Regillus；　like　Phoebe；　the　queen　of　skyey

plain　and　earthly　forest；　every　boy　and　girl；　every　man　and　woman；

that　lives　at　all；　has　to　divide　many　a　year　between　Tartarus　and

Olympus。



For　now　arose　within　him；　not　without　ultimate　good；　the　evil

phantasms　of　a　theology　which　would　explain　all　God's　doings　by　low

conceptions；　low　I　mean　for　humanity　even；　of　right；　and　law；　and

justice；　then　only　taking　refuge　in　the　fact　of　the　incapacity　of

the　human　understanding　when　its　own　inventions　are　impugned　as

undivine。　　In　such　a　system；　hell　is　invariably　the　deepest　truth；

and　the　love　of　God　is　not　so　deep　as　hell。　　Hence；　as　foundations

must　be　laid　in　the　deepest；　the　system　is　founded　in　hell；　and　the

first　article　in　the　creed　that　Robert　Falconer　learned　was；　'I

believe　in　hell。'　　Practically；　I　mean；　it　was　so；　else　how　should

it　be　that　as　often　as　a　thought　of　religious　duty　arose　in　his

mind；　it　appeared　in　the　form　of　escaping　hell；　of　fleeing　from　the

wrath　to　come？　　For　his　very　nature　was　hell；　being　not　born　in　sin

and　brought　forth　in　iniquity；　but　born　sin　and　brought　forth

iniquity。　　And　yet　God　made　him。　　He　must　believe　that。　　And　he　must

believe；　too；　that　God　was　just；　awfully　just；　punishing　with

fearful　pains　those　who　did　not　go　through　a　certain　process　of　mind

which　it　was　utterly　impossible　they　should　go　through　without　a

help　which　he　would　give　to　some；　and　withhold　from　others；　the

reason　of　the　difference　not　being　such；　to　say　the　least　of　it；　as

to　come　within　the　reach　of　the　persons　concerned。　　And　this　God

they　said　was　love。　　It　was　logically　absurd；　of　course；　yet；　thank

God；　they　did　say　that　God　was　love；　and　many　of　them　succeeded　in

believing　it；　too；　and　in　ordering　their　ways　as　if　the　first

article　of　their　creed　had　been　'I　believe　in　God'；　whence；　in

truth；　we　are　bound　to　say　it　was　the　first　in　power　and　reality；　if

not　in　order；　for　what　are　we　to　say　a　man　believes；　if　not　what　he

acts　upon？　　Still　the　former　article　was　the　one　they　brought

chiefly　to　bear　upon　their　children。　　This　mortar；　probably　they

thought；　threw　the　shell　straighter　than　any　of　the　other

field…pieces　of　the　church…militant。　　Hence　it　was　even　in

justification　of　God　himself　that　a　party　arose　to　say　that　a　man

could　believe　without　the　help　of　God　at　all；　and　after　believing

only　began　to　receive　God's　helpa　heresy　all　but　as　dreary　and

barren　as　the　former。　　No　one　dreamed　of　sayingat　least　such　a

glad　word　of　prophecy　never　reached　Rothiedenthat；　while　nobody

can　do　without　the　help　of　the　Father　any　more　than　a　new…born　babe

could　of　itself　live　and　grow　to　a　man；　yet　that　in　the　giving　of

that　help　the　very　fatherhood　of　the　Father　finds　its　one　gladsome

labour；　that　for　that　the　Lord　came；　for　that　the　world　was　made；

for　that　we　were　born　into　it；　for　that　God　lives　and　loves　like　the

most　loving　man　or　woman　on　earth；　only　infinitely　more；　and　in

other　ways　and　kinds　besides；　which　we　cannot　understand；　and　that

therefore　to　be　a　man　is　the　soul　of　eternal　jubilation。



Robert　consequently　began　to　take　fits　of　soul…saving；　a　most

rational　exercise；　worldly　wise　and　prudentright　too　on　the

principles　he　had　received；　but　not　in　the　least　Christian　in　its

nature；　or　even　God…fearing。　　His　imagination　began　to　busy　itself

in　representing　the　dire　consequences　of　not　entering　into　the　one

refuge　of　faith。　　He　made　many　frantic　efforts　to　believe　that　he

believed；　took　to　keeping　the　Sabbath　very　carefullythat　is；　by

going　to　church　three　times；　and　to　Sunday…school　as　well；　by　never

walking　a　step　save　to　or　from　church；　by　never　saying　a　word　upon

any　subject　unconnected　with　religion；　chiefly　theoretical；　by　never

reading　any　but　religious　books；　by　never　whistling；　by　never

thinking　of　his　lost　fiddle；　and　so　onall　the　time　feeling　that

God　was　ready　to　pounce　upon　him　if　he　failed　once；　till　again　and

again　the　intensity　of　his　efforts　utterly　defeated　their　object　by

destroying　for　the　time　the　desire　to　prosecute　them　with　the　power

to　will　them。　　But　through　the　horrible　vapours　of　these　vain

endeavours；　which　denied　God　altogether　as　the　maker　of　the　world；

and　the　former　of　his　soul　and　heart　and　brain；　and　sought　to

worship　him　as　a　capricious　demon；　there　broke　a　little　light；　a

little　soothing；　soft　twilight；　from　the　dim　windows　of　such

literature　as　came　in　his　way。　　Besides　The　Pilgrim's　Progress　there

were　several　books　which　shone　moon…like　on　his　darkness；　and　lifted

something　of　the　weight　of　that　Egyptian　gloom　off　his　spirit。　　One

of　these；　strange　to　say；　was　Defoe's　Religious　Courtship；　and　one；

Young's　Night　Thoughts。　　But　there　was　another　which　deserves

particular　notice；　inasmuch　as　it　did　far　more　than　merely　interest

or　amuse　him；　raising　a　deep　question　in　his　mind；　and　one　worthy　to

be　asked。　　This　book　was　the　translation　of　Klopstock's　Messiah；　to

which　I　have　already　referred。　　It　was　not　one　of　his　grandmother's

books；　but　had　probably　belonged　to　his　father：　he　had　found　it　in

his　little　garret…room。　　But　as　often　as　she　saw　him　reading　it；　she

seemed　rather　pleased；　he　thought。　　As　to　the　book　itself；　its

florid　expatiation　could　neither　offend　nor　injure　a　boy　like

Robert；　while　its　representation　of　our　Lord　was　to　him　a　wonderful

relief　from　that　given　in　the　pulpit；　and　in　all　the　religious　books

he　knew。　　But　the　point　for　the　sake　of　which　I　refer　to　it　in

particular　is　this：　Amongst　the　rebel　angels　who　are　of　the　actors

in　the　story；　one　of　the　principal　is　a　cherub　who　repents　of　making

his　choice　with　Satan；　mourns　over　his　apostasy；　haunts　unseen　the

steps　of　our　Saviour；　wheels　lamenting　about　the　cross；　and　would

gladly　return　to　his　lost　duties　in　heaven；　if　only　he　mighta

doubt　which　I　believe　is　left　unsolved　in　the　volume；　and　naturally

enough　remained　unsolved　in　Robert's　mind：Would　poor　Abaddon　be

forgiven　and　taken　home　again？　　For　although　naturally；　that　is；　to

judge　by　his　own　instincts；　there　could　be　no　question　of　his

forgiveness；　according　to　what　he　had　been　taught　there　could　be　no

question　of　his　perdition。　　Having　no　one　to　talk　to；　he　divided

himself　and　went　to　buffets　on　the　subject；　siding；　of　course；　with

the　better　half　of　himself　which　supported　the　merciful　view　of　the

matter；　for　all　his　efforts　at　keeping　the　Sabbath；　had　in　his　own

honest　judgment　failed　so　entirely；　that　he　had　no　ground　for

believing　himself　one　of　the　elect。　　Had　he　succeeded　in　persuading

himself　that　he　was；　there　is　no　saying　to　what　lengths　of

indifference　about　others　the　chosen　prig　might　have　advanced　by

this　time。



He　made　one　attempt　to　open　the　subject　with　Shargar。



'Shargar；　what　think　ye？'　he　said　suddenly；　one　day。　'Gin　a　de'il

war　to　repent；　wad　God　forgie　him？'



'There's　no　sayin'　what　fowk　wad　du　till　ance　they're　tried；'

returned　Shargar；　cautiously。



Robert　did　not　care　to　resume　the　question　with　one　who　so

circumspectly　refused　to　take　a　metaphysical　or　a　priori　view　of　the

matter。



He　made　an　attempt　with　his　grandmother。



One　Sunday；　his　thoughts；　after　trying　for　a　time　to　revolve　in　due

orbit　around　the　mind　of　the　Rev。　Hugh　Maccleary；　as　projected　in　a

sermon　which　he　had　botched　up　out　of　a　commentary；　failed　at　last

and　flew　off　into　what　the　said　gentleman　would　have　pronounced

'very　dangerous　speculation；　seeing　no　man　is　to　go　beyond　what　is

written　in　the　Bible；　which　contains　not　only　the　truth；　but　the

whole　truth；　and　nothing