robert falconer-第110节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



like　reverence；　she　saw　too　quickly　and　too　keenly　into　the　foibles

of　all　who　came　near　her　to　care　to　look　farther　for　their　virtues。

If　she　had　ever　been　humbled；　and　thence　taught　to　look　up；　she

might　by　this　time　have　been　a　grand　woman；　worthy　of　a　great　man's

worship。　　She　patronized　Miss　St。　John；　considerably　to　her

amusement；　and　nothing　to　her　indignation。　　Of　course　she　could　not

understand　her。　　She　had　a　vague　notion　of　how　she　spent　her　time；

and　believing　a　certain　amount　of　fanaticism　essential　to　religion；

wondered　how　so　sensible　and　ladylike　a　person　as　Miss　St。　John

could　go　in　for　it。



Meeting　Falconer　at　Lady　Janet's；　she　was　taken　with　him。　　Possibly

she　recognized　in　him　a　strength　that　would　have　made　him　her

master；　if　he　had　cared　for　such　a　distinction；　but　nothing　she

could　say　attracted　more　than　a　passing　attention　on　his　part。

Falconer　was　out　of　her　sphere；　and　her　influences　were　powerless

to　reach　him。



At　length　she　began　to　have　a　glimmering　of　the　relation　of　labour

between　Miss　St。　John　and　him；　and　applied　to　the　former　for　some

enlightenment。　　But　Miss　St。　John　was　far　from　explicit；　for　she　had

no　desire　for　such　assistance　as　Lady　Georgina's。　　What　motives　next

led　her　to　seek　the　interview　I　am　now　about　to　record；　I　cannot

satisfactorily　explain；　but　I　will　hazard　a　conjecture　or　two；

although　I　doubt　if　she　understood　them　thoroughly　herself。



She　was；　if　not　blasée；　at　least　ennuyée；　and　began　to　miss

excitement；　and　feel　blindly　about　her　for　something　to　make　life

interesting。　　She　was　gifted　with　far　more　capacity　than　had　ever

been　exercised；　and　was　of　a　large　enough　nature　to　have　grown

sooner　weary　of　trifles　than　most　women　of　her　class。　　She　might

have　been　an　artist；　but　she　drew　like　a　young　lady；　she　might　have

been　a　prophetess；　and　Byron　was　her　greatest　poet。　　It　is　no　wonder

that　she　wanted　something　she　had　not　got。



Since　she　had　been　foiled　in　her　attempt　on　Miss　St。　John；　which　she

attributed　to　jealousy；　she　had；　in　quite　another　circle；　heard

strange；　wonderful；　even　romantic　stories　about　Falconer　and　his

doings　among　the　poor。　　A　new　world　seemed　to　open　before　her

longing　gazea　world；　or　a　calenture；　a　mirage？　for　would　she　cross

the　'wandering　fields　of　barren　foam；'　to　reach　the　green　grass　that

did　wave　on　the　far　shore？　the　dewless　desert　to　reach　the　fair

water　that　did　lie　leagues　beyond　its　pictured　sweetness？　　But　I

think；　mingled　with　whatever　motives　she　may　have　had；　there　must

have　been　some　desire　to　be　a　nobler；　that　is　a　more　useful　woman

than　she　had　been。



She　had　not　any　superabundance　of　feminine　delicacy；　though　she　had

plenty　of　good…breeding；　and　she　trusted　to　her　position　in　society

to　cover　the　eccentricity　of　her　present　undertaking。



One　morning　after　breakfast　she　called　upon　Falconer；　and　accustomed

to　visits　from　all　sorts　of　people；　Mrs。　Ashton　showed　her　into　his

sitting…room　without　even　asking　her　name。　　She　found　him　at　his

piano；　apologized；　in　her　fashionable　drawl；　for　interrupting　his

music；　and　accepted　his　offer　of　a　chair　without　a　shade　of

embarrassment。　　Falconer　seated　himself　and　sat　waiting。



'I　fear　the　step　I　have　taken　will　appear　strange　to　you；　Mr。

Falconer。　　Indeed　it　appears　strange　to　myself。　　I　am　afraid　it　may

appear　stranger　still。'



'It　is　easy　for　me　to　leave　all　judgment　in　the　matter　to　yourself；

MissI　beg　your　pardon；　I　know　we　have　met；　but　for　the　moment　I

cannot　recall　your　name。'



'Lady　Georgina　Betterton；'　drawled　the　visitor　carelessly；　hiding

whatever　annoyance　she　may　have　felt。



Falconer　bowed。　　Lady　Georgina　resumed。



'Of　course　it　only　affects　myself；　and　I　am　willing　to　take　the

risk；　notwithstanding　the　natural　desire　to　stand　well　in　the

opinion　of　any　one　with　whom　even　my　boldness　could　venture　such　a

step。'



A　smile；　intended　to　be　playful；　covered　the　retreat　of　the

sentence。　　Falconer　bowed　again。　　Lady　Georgina　had　yet　again　to

resume。



'From　the　little　I　have　seen；　and　the　much　I　have　heard　of

youexcuse　me；　Mr。　FalconerI　cannot　help　thinking　that　you　know

more　of　the　secret　of　life　than　other　peopleif　indeed　it　has　any

secret。'



'Life　certainly　is　no　burden　to　me；'　returned　Falconer。　'If　that

implies　the　possession　of　any　secret　which　is　not　common　property；　I

fear　it　also　involves　a　natural　doubt　whether　such　secret　be

communicable。'



'Of　course　I　mean　only　some　secret　everybody　ought　to　know。'



'I　do　not　misunderstand　you。'



'I　want　to　live。　　You　know　the　world；　Mr。　Falconer。　　I　need　not　tell

you　what　kind　of　life　a　girl　like　myself　leads。　　I　am　not　old；　but

the　gilding　is　worn　off。　　Life　looks　bare；　ugly；　uninteresting。　　I

ask　you　to　tell　me　whether　there　is　any　reality　in　it　or　not；

whether　its　past　glow　was　only　gilt；　whether　the　best　that　can　be

done　is　to　get　through　with　it　as　fast　as　possible？'



'Surely　your　ladyship　must　know　some　persons　whose　very　countenances

prove　that　they　have　found　a　reality　at　the　heart　of　life。'



'Yes。　But　none　whose　judgment　I　could　trust。　　I　cannot　tell　how　soon

they　may　find　reason　to　change　their　minds　on　the　subject。　　Their

satisfaction　may　only　be　that　they　have　not　tried　to　rub　the　varnish

off　the　gilding　so　much　as　I；　and　therefore　the　gilding　itself　still

shines　a　little　in　their　eyes。'



'If　it　be　only　gilding；　it　is　better　it　should　be　rubbed　off。'



'But　I　am　unwilling　to　think　it　is。　　I　am　not　willing　to　sign　a　bond

of　farewell　to　hope。　　Life　seemed　good　once。　　It　is　bad　enough　that

it　seems　such　no　longer；　without　consenting　that　it　must　and　shall

be　so。　　Allow　me　to　add；　for　my　own　sake；　that　I　speak　from　the

bitterness　of　no　chagrin。　　I　have　had　all　I　ever　caredor

condescended　to　wish　for。　　I　never　had　anything　worth　the　name　of　a

disappointment　in　my　life。'



'I　cannot　congratulate　you　upon　that；'　said　Falconer；　seriously。

'But　if　there　be　a　truth　or　a　heart　in　life；　assurance　of　the　fact

can　only　spring　from　harmony　with　that　truth。　　It　is　not　to　be　known

save　by　absolute　contact　with　it；　and　the　sole　guide　in　the

direction　of　it　must　be　duty：　I　can　imagine　no　other　possible

conductor。　　We　must　do　before　we　can　know。'



'Yes；　yes；'　replied　Lady　Georgina；　hastily；　in　a　tone　that　implied；

'Of　course；　of　course：　we　know　all　about　that。'　　But　aware　at　once；

with　the　fine　instinct　belonging　to　her　mental　organization；　that

she　was　thus　shutting　the　door　against　all　further　communication；

she　added　instantly：　'But　what　is　one's　duty？　　There　is　the

question。'



'The　thing　that　lies　next　you；　of　course。　　You　are；　and　must　remain；

the　sole　judge　of　that。　　Another　cannot　help　you。'



'But　that　is　just　what　I　do　not　know。'



I　interrupt　Lady　Georgina　to　remarkfor　I　too　have　been　a　pupil　of

Falconerthat　I　believe　she　must　have　suspected　what　her　duty　was；

and　would　not　look　firmly　at　her　own　suspicion。　　She　added：



'I　want　direction。'



But　the　same　moment　she　proceeded　to　indicate　the　direction　in　which

she　wanted　to　be　directed；　for　she　went　on：



'You　know　that　now…a…days　there　are　so　many　modes　in　which　to　employ

one's　time　and　money　that　one　does　not　know　which　to　choose。　　The

lower　strata　of　society；　you　know；　Mr。　Falconerso　many　channels！

I　want　the　advice　of　a　man　of　experience；　as　to　the　best

investment；　if　I　may　use　the　expression：　I　do　not　mean　of　money

only；　but　of　time　as　well。'



'I　am　not　fitted　to　give　advice　in　such　a　matter。'



'Mr。　Falconer！'



'I　assure　you　I　am　not。　　I　subscribe　to　no　society　myselfnot　one。'



'Excuse　me；　but　I　can　hardly　believe　the　rumours　I　hear　of

youpeople　will　talk；　you　knoware　all　inventions。　　They　say　you

are　for　ever　burrowing　amongst　the　poor。　　Excuse　the　phrase。'



'I　excuse　or　accept　it；　whichever　you　please。　　Whatever　I　do；　I　am

my　own　steward。'



'Then　you　are　just　the　person　to　help　me！　　I　have　a　fortune；　not

very　limited；　at　my　own　disposal：　a　gentleman　who　is　his　own

steward；　would　find　his　labours　merely　facilitated　by　administering

for　another　as　wellsuch　labours；　I　mean。'



'I　must　beg　to　be　excused；　Lady　Georgina。　　I　am　accountable　only　for

my　own；　and　of　that　I　have　quite　as　much　as　I　can　properly　manage。

It　is　far　more　difficult　to　use　money　for　others　than　to　spend　it

for　yourself。'



'Ah！'　said　Lady　Georgina；　thoughtfully；　and　cast　an　involuntary

glance　round　the　untidy　room；　with　its　horse…hair　furniture；　its

ragged　array　of　books　on　the　wall；　its　side…table　littered　with

pamphlets　he　never　read；　with　papers　he　never　printed；　with　pipes　he

smoked　by　chance　turns。　　He　saw　the　glance　and　understood　it。



'I　am　accustomed；'　he　said；　'to　be　in　such　sad　places　for　human

beings　to　live　in；　that　I　sometimes　think　even　this　dingy　old　room

an　absolute　palace　of　comfort。But；'　he　added；　checking　himself；　as

it　were；　'I　do　not　see　in　the　least　how　your　pr