grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第6节

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　converted　already；　they　　were　all　that　God　would　save　in　those　parts；　and　that　I　came　too　　late；　for　these　had　got　the　blessing　before　I　came。

67。　　Now　I　was　in　great　distress；　thinking　in　very　deed　that　this　　might　well　be　so；　wherefore　I　went　up　and　down；　bemoaning　my　sad　　condition；　counting　myself　far　worse　than　a　thousand　fools　for　　standing　off　thus　long；　and　spending　so　many　years　in　sin　as　I　had　　done；　still　crying　out；　Oh！　that　I　had　turned　sooner！　　Oh！　that　I　　had　turned　seven　years　ago！　　It　made　me　also　angry　with　myself；　to　　think　that　I　should　have　no　more　wit；　but　to　trifle　away　my　time；　　till　my　soul　and　heaven　were　lost。

68。　　But　when　I　had　been　long　vexed　with　this　fear；　and　was　scarce　　able　to　take　one　step　more；　just　about　the　same　place　where　I　　received　my　other　encouragement；　these　words　broke　in　upon　my　mind；　　COMPEL　THEM　TO　COME　IN；　THAT　MY　HOUSE　MAY　BE　FILLED；　AND　YET　THERE　　IS　ROOM。　　Luke　xiv。　22；　23。　　These　words；　but　especially　those；　AND　　YET　THERE　IS　ROOM；　were　sweet　words　to　me；　for　truly　I　thought　that　　by　them　I　saw　there　was　place　enough　in　heaven　for　me；　and　　moreover；　that　when　the　Lord　Jesus　did　speak　these　words；　He　then　　did　think　of　me：　　and　that　He　knowing　that　the　time　would　come；　　that　I　should　be　afflicted　with　fear；　that　there　was　no　place　left　　for　me　in　His　bosom；　did　before　speak　this　word；　and　leave　it　upon　　record；　that　I　might　find　help　thereby　against　this　vile　　temptation。　　This　I　then　verily　believed。

69。　　In　the　light　and　encouragement　of　this　word　I　went　a　pretty　　while；　and　the　comfort　was　the　more；　when　I　thought　that　the　Lord　　Jesus　should　think　on　me　so　long　ago；　and　that　He　should　speak　　those　words　on　purpose　for　my　sake；　for　I　did　think　verily；　that　He　　did　on　purpose　speak　them　to　encourage　me　withal。

70。　　But　I　was　not　without　my　temptations　to　go　back　again；　　temptations　I　say；　both　from　Satan；　mine　own　heart；　and　carnal　　acquaintance；　but　I　thank　God　these　were　outweighed　by　that　sound　　sense　of　death；　and　of　the　day　of　judgment；　which　abode；　as　it　　were；　continually　in　my　view：　　I　would　often　also　think　on　　NEBUCHADNEZZAR；　of　whom　it　is　said；　HE　HAD　GIVEN　HIM　ALL　THE　　KINGDOMS　OF　THE　EARTH。　　Dan。　v。　18；　19。　　Yet；　thought　I；　if　this　　great　man　had　all　his　portion　in　this　world；　one　hour　in　hell…fire　　would　make　him　forget　all。　　Which　consideration　was　a　great　help　to　　me。

71。　　I　was　also　made；　about　this　time；　to　see　something　concerning　　the　beasts　that　MOSES　counted　clean　and　unclean：　　I　thought　those　　beasts　were　types　of　men；　the　CLEAN；　types　of　them　that　were　the　　people　of　God；　but　the　UNCLEAN；　types　of　such　as　were　the　children　　of　the　wicked　one。　　Now　I　read；　that　the　clean　beasts　CHEWED　THE　　CUD；　that　is；　thought　I；　they　show　us；　we　must　feed　upon　the　word　　of　God：　　they　also　PARTED　THE　HOOF。　　I　thought　that　signified；　we　　must　part；　if　we　would　be　saved；　with　the　ways　of　ungodly　men。　　And　　also；　in　further　reading　about　them；　I　found；　that　though　we　did　　chew　the　cud；　as　the　HARE；　yet　if　we　walked　with　claws；　like　a　dog；　　or　if　we　did　part　the　hoof；　like　the　SWINE；　yet　if　we　did　not　chew　　the　cud；　as　the　sheep；　we　were　still；　for　all　that；　but　unclean：　　　for　I　thought　the　HARE　to　be　a　type　of　those　that　talk　of　the　word；　　yet　walk　in　the　ways　of　sin；　and　that　the　SWINE　was　like　him　that　　parted　with　his　outward　pollutions；　but　still　wanteth　the　word　of　　faith；　without　which　there　could　be　no　way　of　salvation；　let　a　man　　be　never　so　devout。　　Deut。　xiv。　　After　this；　I　found　by　reading　the　　word；　that　those　that　must　be　glorified　with　Christ　in　another　　world　MUST　BE　CALLED　BY　HIM　HERE；　called　to　the　partaking　of　a　　share　in　His　word　and　righteousness；　and　to　the　comforts　and　first…　fruits　of　His　Spirit；　and　to　a　peculiar　interest　in　all　those　　heavenly　things；　which　do　indeed　prepare　the　soul　for　that　rest；　　and　house　of　glory；　which　is　in　heaven　above。

72。　　Here　again　I　was　at　a　very　I　great　stand；　not　knowing　what　to　　do；　fearing　I　was　not　called；　for；　thought　I；　if　I　be　not　called；　　what　then　can　do　me　good？　　None　but　those　who　are　effectually　　called　inherit　the　kingdom　of　heaven。　　But　oh！　how　I　now　loved　　those　words　that　spake　of　a　CHRISTIAN'S　CALLING！　as　when　the　Lord　　said　to　one；　FOLLOW　ME；　and　to　another；　COME　AFTER　ME：　　and　oh；　　thought　I；　that　He　would　say　so　to　me　too：　　how　gladly　would　I　run　　after　Him！

73。　　I　cannot　now　express　with　what　longings　and　breathings　in　my　　soul；　I　cried　to　Christ　to　call　me。　　Thus　I　continued　for　a　time；　　all　on　a　flame　to　be　converted　to　Jesus　Christ；　and　did　also　see　at　　that　day；　such　glory　in　a　converted　state；　that　I　could　not　be　　contented　without　a　share　therein。　　Gold！　could　it　have　been　gotten　　for　gold；　what　would　I　have　given　for　it？　　Had　I　had　a　whole　world；　　it　had　all　gone　ten　thousand　times　over　for　this；　that　my　soul　　might　have　been　in　a　converted　state。

74。　　How　lovely　now　was　every　one　in　my　eyes；　that　I　thought　to　be　　converted　men　and　women。　　They　shone；　they　walked　like　a　people　　that　carried　the　broad　seal　of　heaven　about　them。　　Oh！　I　saw　the　　lot　was　fallen　to　them　in　pleasant　places；　and　they　had　a　goodly　　heritage。　　Psalm　xvi。　　But　that　which　made　me　sick；　was　that　of　　Christ；　in　St　Mark；　HE　GOETH　UP　INTO　A　MOUNTAIN；　AND　CALLETH　UNTO　　HIM　WHOM　HE　WOULD；　AND　THEY　CAME　UNTO　HIM。　　Mark　iii。　13。

75。　　This　scripture　made　me　faint　and　fear；　yet　it　kindled　fire　in　　my　soul。　　That　which　made　me　fear；　was　this；　lest　Christ　should　　have　no　liking　to　me；　for　He　called　WHOM　HE　WOULD。　　But　oh！　the　　glory　that　I　saw　in　that　condition；　did　still　so　engage　my　heart；　　that　I　could　seldom　read　of　any　that　Christ　did　call；　but　I　　presently　wished；　WOULD　I　HAD　BEEN　IN　THEIR　CLOTHES；　WOULD　I　HAD　　BEEN　BORN　PETER；　WOULD　I　HAD　BEEN　BORN　JOHN；　OR；　WOULD　I　HAD　BEEN　　BY　AND　HAD　HEARD　HIM　WHEN　HE　CALLED　THEM；　HOW　WOULD　I　HAVE　CRIED；　O　　LORD；　CALL　ME　ALSO！　　BUT；　OH！　　I　FEARED　HE　WOULD　NOT　CALL　ME。

76。　　And　truly；　the　Lord　let　me　go　thus　many　months　together；　and　　shewed　me　nothing；　either　that　I　was　already；　or　should　be　called　　hereafter：　　but　at　last　after　much　time　spent；　and　many　groans　to　　God；　that　I　might　be　made　partaker　of　the　holy　and　heavenly　　calling；　that　word　came　in　upon　me：　　I　WILL　CLEANSE　THEIR　BLOOD；　　THAT　I　HAVE　NOT　CLEANSED；　FOR　THE　LORD　DWELLETH　IN　ZION。　　Joel　iii。　　21。　　These　words　I　thought　were　sent　to　encourage　me　to　wait　still　　upon　God；　and　signified　unto　me；　that　if　I　were　not　already；　yet　　time　might　come；　I　might　be　in　truth　converted　unto　Christ。

77。　　About　this　time　I　began　to　break　my　mind　to　those　poor　people　　in　BEDFORD；　and　to　tell　them　my　condition；　which　when　they　had　　heard；　they　told　Mr　Gifford　of　me；　who　himself　also　took　occasion　　to　talk　with　me；　and　was　willing　to　be　well　persuaded　of　me；　though　　I　think　from　little　grounds：　　but　he　invited　me　to　his　house；　where　　I　should　hear　him　confer　with　others；　about　the　dealings　of　God　　with　their　souls；　from　all　which　I　still　received　more　conviction；　　and　from　that　time　began　to　see　something　of　the　vanity　and　inward　　wretchedness　of　my　wicked　heart；　for　as　yet　I　knew　no　great　matter　　therein；　but　now　it　began　to　be　discovered　unto　me；　and　also　to　　work　at　that　rate　as　it　never　did　before。　　Now　I　evidently　found；　　that　lusts　and　corruptions　put　forth　themselves　within　me；　in　　wicked　thoughts　and　desires；　which　I　did　not　regard　before；　my　　desires　also　for　heaven　and　life　began　to　fail；　I　found　also；　that　　whereas　before　my　soul　was　full　of　longing　after　God；　now　it　began　　to　hanker　after　every　foolish　vanity；　yea；　my　heart　would　not　be　　moved　to　mind　that　which　was　good；　it　began　to　be　careless；　both　of　　my　soul　and　heaven；　it　would　now　continually　hang　back；　both　to；　　and　in　every　duty；　and　was　as　a　clog　on　the　leg　of　a　bird；　to　　hinder　me　from　flying。

78。　　Nay；　thought　I；　now　I　grow　worse　and　worse：　　now　I　am　farther　　from　conversion　than　ever　I　was　before。　　Wherefore　I　began　to　sink　　greatly　in　my　soul；　and　began　to　entertain　such　discouragement　in　　my　heart；　as　laid　me　as　low　as　hell。　　If　now　I　should　have　burned　　at　the　stake；　I　could　not　believe　that　Christ　had　love　for　me：　　　alas！　　I　could　neither　hear　Him；　nor　see　Him；　nor　feel　Him；　nor　　favour　any　of　His　things；　I　was　driven　as　with　a　tempest；　my　heart　　would　be　unclean；　and　the　CANAANITES　would　dwell　in　the　land。

79。　　Sometimes　I　would　tell　my　condition　to　the　people　of　God；　　which；　when　they　heard；　they　would　pity　me；　and　would　tell　me　of　　the　promises；　but　they　had　as　good　have　told　me；　that　I　must　reach　　the　sun　with　my　finger；　as　have　bidden　me　receive　or　rely　upon　the　　promises：　　and　as　soon　I　should　have　done　it。　　All　my　sense　and　　feeling　were　against　me；　and　I　saw　I　had　an　heart　that　would　sin；　　and　that　lay　under　a　law　that　would　condemn。

80。　　These　things　have　often　made　me　think　of　the　child　which　the　　father　brought　to　Christ；　WHO；　WHILE　HE　WAS　YET　COMING　TO　HIM；　WAS　　THROWN　DOWN　BY　THE　DEVIL；　AND　ALSO　SO　RENT　AND　TORN　BY　HIM；　THAT　HE　　LAY　DOWN　AND　WALLOWED；　FOAMING。　　Luke　ix。　42；　Mark　ix。　20。

81。　　Further；　in　these　days；　I　would　find　my　heart　to　shut　itself　　up　against　the　Lord；　and　against　His　holy　word：　　I　have　found　my　　unbelief　to　set；　as　it　were；　the　shoulder　to　the　door；　to　keep　Him　　out；　and　that　too　even　then；　w