grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第21节
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eated； I consented to their request； and did twice at two several assemblies （but in private）； though with much weakness and infirmity； discover my gift amongst them； at which they not only seemed to be； but did solemnly protest； as in the sight of the great God； they were both affected and comforted； and gave thanks to the Father of mercies； for the grace bestowed on me。
267。 After this； sometimes； when some of them did go into the country to teach； they would also that I should go with them； where； though as yet； I did not nor durst not； make use of my gift in an open way； yet more privately； still； as I came amongst the good people in those places； I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also； the which they； as the other； received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me…ward； professing their souls were edified thereby。
268。 Wherefore； to be brief； at last； being still desired by the church； after some solemn prayer to the Lord； with fasting； I was more particularly called forth； and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word； not only to and amongst them that believed； but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof； about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto； though I bless God； not for desire of vain…glory； for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil； concerning my eternal state。
269。 But yet could not be content； unless I was found in the exercise of my gift； unto which also I was greatly animated； not only by the continual desires of the godly； but also by that saying of PAUL to the CORINTHIANS： I BESEECH YOU； BRETHREN （YE KNOW THE HOUSEHOLD OF STEPHANAS； THAT IT IS THE FIRST FRUITS OF ACHAIA； AND THAT THEY HAVE ADDICTED THEMSELVES TO THE MINISTRY OF THE SAINTS） THAT YE SUBMIT YOURSELVES UNTO SUCH； AND TO EVERY ONE THAT HELPETH WITH US； AND LABOURETH。 1 Cor。 xvi。 15； 16。
270。 By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities； should bury them in the earth； but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift； and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do。 THEY HAVE ADDICTED THEMSELVES TO THE MINISTRY OF THE SAINTS。 This scripture； in these days； did continually run in my mind； to encourage me； and strengthen me in this my work for God； I have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the godly； both specified in the word； and other ancient histories： ACTS viii。 4 and xviii。 24； 25； etc。； 1 PET。 iv。 10； ROM。 xii。 6； FOX'S ACTS and MON。
271。 Wherefore； though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy； yet I； but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness； did set upon the work； and did according to my gift； and the proportion of my faith； preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth： which when the country understood； they came in to hear the word by hundreds； and that from all parts； though upon sundry and divers accounts。
272。 And I thank God； He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls； which also did put me forward to labour； with great diligence and earnestness； to find out such a word as might； if God would bless； lay hold of； and awaken the conscience； in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant； for I had not preached long； before some began to be touched； and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin； and of their need of Jesus Christ。
273。 But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man； still counting myself unworthy； yet those who thus were touched； would love me and have a particular respect for me； and though I did put it from me； that they should be awakened by me； still they would confess it； and affirm it before the saints of God： they would also bless God for me （unworthy wretch that I am！） and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation。
274。 Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant； and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ； rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were； then I began to conclude it might be so； that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as I； and then came that word of God to my heart； with much sweet refreshment； THE BLESSING OF HIM THAT WAS READY TO PERISH； IS COME UPON ME； AND I CAUSED THE WIDOW'S HEART TO SING FOR JOY。 Job xxix。 13。
275。 At this therefore I rejoiced； yea； the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching； would be both solace and encouragement to me： for I thought on those sayings； WHO IS HE THEN THAT MAKETH ME GLAD； BUT THE SAME WHICH IS MADE SORRY BY ME？ 2 Cor。 ii。 2。 And again； IF I BE NOT AN APOSTLE TO OTHERS； YET DOUBTLESS； I AM UNTO YOU： FOR THE SEAL OF MINE APOSTLESHIP ARE YE IN THE LORD。 1 Cor。 ix。 2。 These things； therefore； were as another argument unto me； that God had called me to； and stood by me in this work。
276。 In my preaching of the word； I took special notice of this one thing； namely； that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners； that is； to condemn all flesh； and to open and allege； that the curse of God by the law； doth belong to； and lay hold on all men as they come into the world； because of sin。 Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense； for the terrors of the law； and guilt for my transgressions； lay heavy on my conscience： I preached what I felt； what I smartingly did feel； even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment。
277。 Indeed； I have been as one sent to them from the dead； I went myself in chains； to preach to them in chains； and carried that fire in my own conscience； that I persuaded them to be aware of。 I can truly say； and that without dissembling； that when I have been to preach； I have gone full of guilt and terror； even to the pulpit door； and there it hath been taken off； and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work； and then immediately； even before I could get down the pulpit stairs； I have been as bad as I was before； yet God carried me on； but surely with a strong hand； for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work。
278。 Thus I went on for the space of two years； crying out against men's sins； and their fearful state because of them。 After which； the Lord came in upon my own soul； with some staid peace and comfort through Christ； for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Him； wherefore now I altered in my preaching （for still I preached what I saw and felt）； now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices； relations； and benefits unto the world； and did strive also to discover； to condemn； and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean； and by them fall and perish。 On these things also I staid as long as on the other。
279。 After this； God led me into something of the mystery of the union of Christ； wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also。 And； when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God； about the space of five years or more； I was caught in my present practice； and cast into prison； where I have lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering； as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures； in a way of preaching。
280。 When I have been in preaching； I thank God my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise； with great earnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul； still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience； and so it should become unfruitful： wherefore I should labour to speak the word； as that thereby； if it were possible； the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it。
281。 And when I have done the exercise； it hath gone to my heart； to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places； still wishing from my heart； Oh！ that they who have heard me speak this day； did but see as I do； what sin； death； hell； and the curse of God is； and also what the grace； and love； and mercy of God is； through Christ； to men in such a case as they are； who are yet estranged from Him。 And indeed； I did often say in my heart before the Lord； THAT IF TO BE HANGED UP PRESENTLY BEFORE THEIR EYES； WOULD BE A MEANS TO AWAKEN THEM； AND CONFIRM THEM IN THE TRUTH； I GLADLY SHOULD BE CONTENTED。
282。 For I have been in my preaching； especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ； without works； as if an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me： Oh！ it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul； while I have been labouring to unfold it； to demonstrate it； and to fasten it upon the conscience of others； that I could not be contented with saying； I BELIEVE； AND AM SURE； methought I was more than su
