grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第19节

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s　come；　her　pangs；　as　of　a　woman　　in　travail；　were　fierce　and　strong　upon　her；　even　as　if　she　would　　have　fallen　immediately　in　labour；　and　been　delivered　of　an　　untimely　birth：　　now　at　this　very　time　it　was；　that　I　had　been　so　　strongly　tempted　to　question　the　being　of　God；　wherefore；　as　my　　wife　lay　crying　by　me；　I　said；　but　with　all　secrecy　imaginable；　　even　thinking　in　my　heart；　LORD；　IF　THOU　WILT　NOW　REMOVE　THIS　SAD　　AFFLICTION　FROM　MY　WIFE；　AND　CAUSE　THAT　SHE　BE　TROUBLED　NO　MORE　　THEREWITH　THIS　NIGHT　（and　now　were　her　pangs　just　upon　her）；　THEN　I　　SHALL　KNOW　THAT　THOU　CANST　DISCERN　THE　MOST　SECRET　THOUGHTS　OF　THE　　HEART。

241。　　I　had　no　sooner　said　it　in　my　heart；　but　her　pangs　were　taken　　from　her；　and　she　was　cast　into　a　deep　sleep；　and　so　continued　till　　morning；　at　this　I　greatly　marvelled；　not　knowing　what　to　think；　　but　after　I　had　been　awake　a　good　while；　and　heard　her　cry　no　more；　　I　fell　asleep　also；　so　when　I　awaked　in　the　morning；　it　came　upon　　me　again；　even　what　I　had　said　in　my　heart　the　last　night；　and　how　　the　Lord　had　showed　me；　that　He　knew　my　secret　thoughts；　which　was　　a　great　astonishment　unto　me　for　several　weeks　after。

242。　　Well；　about　a　year　and　a　half　afterwards；　that　wicked　sinful　　thought；　of　which　I　have　spoken　before；　went　through　my　wicked　　heart；　even　this　thought；　LET　CHRIST　GO；　IF　HE　WILL：　　so　when　I　was　　fallen　under　the　guilt　for　this；　the　remembrance　of　my　other　　thought；　and　of　the　effect　thereof；　would　also　come　upon　me　with　　this　retort；　which　also　carried　rebuke　along　with　it；　NOW　YOU　MAY　　SEE　THAT　GOD　DOTH　KNOW　THE　MOST　SECRET　THOUGHTS　OF　THE　HEART。

243。　　And　with　this；　that　of　the　passages　that　were　betwixt　the　　Lord；　and　His　servant　GIDEON；　fell　upon　my　spirit；　how　because　that　　GIDEON　tempted　God　with　his　fleece；　both　wet　and　dry；　when　he　　should　have　believed　and　ventured　upon　His　word；　therefore　the　Lord　　did　afterwards　so　try　him；　as　to　send　him　against　an　innumerable　　company　of　enemies；　and　that　too；　as　to　outward　appearance；　without　　any　strength　or　help。　　Judges　vi。　7。　　Thus　He　served　me；　and　that　　justly；　for　I　should　have　believed　His　word；　and　not　have　put　an　IF　　upon　the　all…seeingness　of　God。

244。　　And　now　to　show　you　something　of　the　advantages　that　I　also　　have　gained　by　this　temptation：　　and　first；　by　this　I　was　made　　continually　to　possess　in　my　soul　a　very　wonderful　sense　both　of　　the　blessing　and　glory　of　God；　and　of　His　beloved　Son；　in　the　　temptation　that　went　before；　my　soul　was　perplexed　with　unbelief；　　blasphemy；　hardness　of　heart；　questions　about　the　being　of　God；　　Christ；　the　truth　of　the　word；　and　certainty　of　the　world　to　come：　　　I　say；　then　I　was　greatly　assaulted　and　tormented　with　atheism；　but　　now　the　case　was　otherwise；　now　was　God　and　Christ　continually　　before　my　face；　though　not　in　a　way　of　comfort；　but　in　a　way　of　　exceeding　dread　and　terror。　　The　glory　of　the　holiness　of　God；　did　　at　this　time　break　me　to　pieces；　and　the　bowels　and　compassion　of　　Christ　did　break　me　as　on　the　wheel；　for　I　could　not　consider　Him　　but　as　a　lost　and　rejected　Christ；　the　remembrance　of　which；　was　as　　the　continual　breaking　of　my　bones。

245。　　The　scriptures　also　were　wonderful　things　unto　me；　I　saw　that　　the　truth　and　verity　of　them　were　the　keys　of　the　kingdom　of　　heaven；　THOSE　that　the　scriptures　favour；　THEY　must　inherit　bliss；　　but　THOSE　that　they　oppose　and　condemn；　MUST　perish　for　evermore：　　　Oh！　this　word；　FOR　THE　SCRIPTURES　CANNOT　BE　BROKEN；　would　rend　the　　caul　of　my　heart：　　and　so　would　that　other；　WHOSE　SINS　YE　REMIT；　　THEY　ARE　REMITTED；　BUT　WHOSE　SINS　YE　RETAIN；　THEY　ARE　RETAINED。　　　Now　I　saw　the　apostles　to　be　the　elders　of　the　city　of　refuge。　　　Joshua　xx。　4。　　Those　that　they　were　to　receive　in；　were　received　to　　life；　but　those　that　they　shut　out；　were　to　be　slain　by　the　avenger　　of　blood。

246。　　Oh！　one　sentence　of　the　scripture　did　more　afflict　and　　terrify　my　mind；　I　mean　those　sentences　that　stood　against　me　（as　　sometimes　I　thought　they　every　one　did）　more；　I　say；　than　an　army　　of　forty　thousand　men　that　might　have　come　against　me。　　Woe　be　to　　him　against　whom　the　scriptures　bend　themselves！

247。　　By　this　temptation　I　was　made　to　see　more　into　the　nature　of　　the　promises　than　ever　I　was　before；　for　I　lying　now　trembling　　under　the　mighty　hand　of　God；　continually　torn　and　rent　by　the　　thundering　of　His　justice：　　this　made　me　with　careful　heart；　and　　watchful　eye；　with　great　fearfulness　to　turn　over　every　leaf；　and　　with　much　diligence；　mixed　with　trembling；　to　consider　every　　sentence；　together　with　its　natural　force　and　latitude。

248。　　By　this　temptation　also　I　was　greatly　holden　off　from　my　　former　foolish　practice　of　putting　by　the　word　of　promise　when　saw　　it　came　into　my　mind；　for　now；　though　I　could　not　suck　that　comfort　　and　sweetness　from　the　promise；　as　I　had　done　at　other　times；　yet；　　like　to　a　man　sinking；　I　would　catch　at　all　I　saw：　　formerly　I　　thought　I　might　not　meddle　with　the　promise；　unless　I　felt　its　　comfort；　but　now　'twas　no　time　thus　to　do；　the　avenger　of　blood　too　　hardly　did　pursue　me。

249。　　Now　therefore　I　was　glad　to　catch　at　THAT　word　which　yet　I　　feared　I　had　no　ground　or　right　to　own；　and　even　to　leap　into　the　　bosom　of　that　promise　that　yet　I　feared　did　shut　its　heart　against　　me。　　Now　also　I　should　labour　to　take　the　word　as　God　hath　laid　it　　down；　without　restraining　the　natural　force　of　one　syllable　　thereof：　　O！　what　did　I　now　see　in　that　blessed　sixth　of　John：　　AND　　HIM　THAT　COMETH　TO　ME；　I　WILL　IN　NO　WISE　CAST　OUT。　　John　vi。　37。　　　Now　I　began　to　consider　with　myself；　that　God　hath　a　bigger　mouth　　to　speak　with；　than　I　had　a　heart　to　conceive　with；　I　thought　also　　with　myself；　that　He　spake　not　His　words　in　haste；　or　in　an　　unadvised　heat；　but　with　infinite　wisdom　and　judgment；　and　in　very　　truth　and　faithfulness。　　2　Sam。　iii。　28。

250。　　I　should　in　these　days；　often　in　my　greatest　agonies；　even　　flounce　towards　the　promise　（as　the　horses　do　towards　sound　ground；　　that　yet　stick　in　the　mire）；　concluding　（though　as　one　almost　　bereft　of　his　wits　through　fear）　on　this　I　will　rest　and　stay；　and　　leave　the　fulfilling　of　it　to　the　God　of　heaven　that　made　it。　　Oh！　　many　a　pull　hath　my　heart　had　with　Satan；　for　that　blessed　sixth　of　　John：　　I　did　not　now；　as　at　other　times；　look　principally　for　　comfort　（though；　O　how　welcome　would　it　have　been　unto　me！）。　　But　　now　a　word；　a　word　to　lean　a　weary　soul　upon；　that　it　might　not　　sink　for　ever！　'twas　that　I　hunted　for。

251。　　Yea；　often　when　I　have　been　making　to　the　promise；　I　have　　seen　as　if　the　Lord　would　refuse　my　soul　for　ever；　I　was　often　as　　if　I　had　run　upon　the　pikes；　and　as　if　the　Lord　had　thrust　at　me；　　to　keep　me　from　Him；　as　with　a　flaming　sword。　　Then　I　should　think　　of　ESTHER；　who　went　to　petition　the　king　contrary　to　the　law。　　　Esther　iv。　16。　　I　thought　also　of　Benhadad's　servants；　who　went　　with　ropes　upon　their　heads　to　their　enemies　for　mercy。　　1　Kings　　xx。　31；　etc。　　The　woman　of　Canaan　also；　that　would　not　be　daunted；　　though　called　dog　by　Christ；　Matt。　xv。；　22；　etc。；　and　the　man　that　　went　to　borrow　bread　at　midnight；　Luke　xi。　5…8；　etc。；　were　great　　encouragements　unto　me。

252。　　I　never　saw　those　heights　and　depths　in　grace；　and　love；　and　　mercy；　as　I　saw　after　this　temptation；　great　sins　to　draw　out　great　　grace；　and　where　guilt　is　most　terrible　and　fierce；　there　the　mercy　　of　God　in　Christ；　when　showed　to　the　soul；　appears　most　high　and　　mighty。　　When　JOB　had　passed　through　his　captivity；　HE　HAD　TWICE　AS　　MUCH　AS　HE　HAD　BEFORE。　　Job　xlii。　10。　　Blessed　be　God　for　Jesus　　Christ　our　Lord。　　Many　other　things　I　might　here　make　observation　　of；　but　I　would　be　brief；　and　therefore　shall　at　this　time　omit　　them；　and　do　pray　God　that　my　harms　may　make　others　fear　to　offend；　　lest　they　also　be　made　to　bear　the　iron　yoke　as　I　did。

I　had　two　or　three　times；　at　or　about　my　deliverance　from　this　　temptation；　such　strange　apprehensions　of　the　grace　of　God；　that　I　　could　hardly　bear　up　under　it：　　it　was　so　out　of　measure　amazing；　　when　I　thought　it　could　reach　me；　that　I　do　think　if　that　sense　of　　it　had　abode　long　upon　me；　it　would　have　made　me　incapable　for　　business。

253。　　Now　I　shall　go　forward　to　give　you　a　relation　of　other　of　the　　Lord's　dealings　with　me　at　sundry　other　seasons；　and　of　the　　temptations　I　then　did　meet　withal。　　I　shall　begin　with　what　I　met　　with　when　first　I　did　join　in　fellowship　with　the　people　of　God　in　　BEDFORD。　　After　I　had　propounded　to　the　church；　that　my　desire　was　　to　walk　in　the　order　and　ordinances　of　Christ　with　them；　and　was　　also　admitted　by　them：　　while　I　thought　of　that　blessed　ordinance　　of　Christ；　which　was　His　last　supper　with　His　disciples　before　His　　death；　that　scripture；　DO　THIS　IN　REMEMBRANCE　OF　ME；　Luke　xxii。　19；　　was　made　a　very　precious　word　unto　me；　for　by　it　the　Lord　did　come　　down　upon　my　conscience　with　the　discovery　of　His　death　for　my　　sins；　and　as　I　then　felt；　did　as　if　He　plunged　me　in　the　virtue　of　　the　same。　　But　behold；　I　had　not　been　long　a　partaker　at　that　　ordinance；　but　such　fierce　and　sad　temptations　did　attend　me　at　all　　times　therein；　both　to　blaspheme　the　ordinance；　and　to　wish　some　　deadly　thing　to　those　that　then　did　eat　thereof：　　that　lest　I　　should　at　any　time　be　gu