grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第13节

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ders；　and　should　also　labour；　what　I　might　with　fairness；　to　　aggravate　and　heighten　their　sins　by　several　circumstances。

169。　　I　should　think　with　myself　that　DAVID　shed　blood　to　cover　his　　adultery；　and　that　by　the　sword　of　the　children　of　AMMON；　a　work　　that　could　not　be　done；　but　by　continuance；　deliberate　contrivance；　　which　was　a　great　aggravation　to　his　sin。　　But　then　this　would　turn　　upon　me：　　Ah！　but　these　were　but　sins　against　the　law；　from　which　　there　was　a　Jesus　sent　to　save　them；　but　yours　is　a　sin　against　the　　Saviour；　and　who　shall　save　you　from　that？

170。　　Then　I　thought　on　SOLOMON；　and　how　he　sinned　in　loving　　strange　women；　falling　away　to　their　idols；　in　building　them　　temples；　in　doing　this　after　light；　in　his　old　age；　after　great　　mercy　received：　　but　the　same　conclusion　that　cut　me　off　in　the　　former　consideration；　cut　me　off　as　to　this；　namely；　that　all　those　　were　but　sins　against　the　law；　for　which　God　had　provided　a　remedy；　　BUT　I　HAD　SOLD　MY　SAVIOUR；　and　there　remained　no　more　sacrifice　for　　sin。

171。　　I　would　then　add　to　these　men's　sins；　the　sins　of　MANASSEH；　　how　that　he　built　altars　for　idols　in　the　house　of　the　Lord；　he　　also　observed　times；　used　enchantments；　had　to　do　with　wizards；　was　　a　wizard；　had　his　familiar　spirits；　burned　his　children　in　the　fire　　in　sacrifice　to　devils；　and　made　the　streets　of　JERUSALEM　run　down　　with　the　blood　of　innocents。　　These；　thought　I；　are　great　sins；　　sins　of　a　bloody　colour；　but　yet　it　would　turn　again　upon　me；　THEY　　ARE　NONE　OF　THEM　OF　THE　NATURE　OF　YOURS；　YOU　HAVE　PARTED　WITH　　JESUS；　YOU　HAVE　SOLD　YOUR　SAVIOUR。

172。　　This　one　consideration　would　always　kill　my　heart；　MY　SIN　WAS　　POINT　BLANK　AGAINST　MY　SAVIOUR；　and　that　too；　at　that　height；　that　　I　had　in　my　heart　said　of　Him；　LET　HIM　GO；　IF　HE　WILL。　　Oh！　　methought　this　sin　was　bigger　than　the　sins　of　a　country；　of　a　　kingdom；　or　of　the　whole　world；　NO　one　pardonable；　nor　ALL　of　them　　together；　was　able　to　equal　mine；　mine　out…went　them　every　one。

173。　　Now　I　should　find　my　mind　to　flee　from　God；　as　from　the　face　　of　a　dreadful　judge；　yet　this　was　my　torment；　I　could　not　escape　　His　hand：　　（IT　IS　A　FEARFUL　THING　TO　FALL　INTO　THE　HANDS　OF　THE　　LIVING　GOD。　　Hebrew　x。）　　But；　blessed　be　His　grace；　that　scripture；　　in　these　flying　fits；　would　call；　as　running　after　me；　I　HAVE　　BLOTTED　OUT；　AS　A　THICK　CLOUD；　THY　TRANSGRESSIONS；　AND　AS　A　CLOUD；　　THY　SINS：　　RETURN　UNTO　ME；　FOR　I　HAVE　REDEEMED　THEE。　　Isaiah　xliv。　　22。　　This；　I　say；　would　come　in　upon　my　mind；　when　I　was　fleeing　　from　the　face　of　God；　for　I　did　flee　from　His　face；　that　is；　my　　mind　and　spirit　fled　before　Him；　by　reason　of　His　highness；　I　could　　not　endure：　　then　would　the　text　cry；　RETURN　UNTO　ME；　it　would　cry　　aloud　with　a　very　great　voice；　RETURN　UNTO　ME；　FOR　I　HAVE　REDEEMED　　THEE。　　Indeed；　this　would　make　me　make　a　little　stop；　and；　as　it　　were；　look　over　my　shoulder　behind　me；　to　see　if　I　could　discern　　that　the　God　of　grace　did　follow　me　with　a　pardon　in　His　hand；　but　　I　could　no　sooner　do　that；　but　all　would　be　clouded　and　darkened　　again　by　that　sentence；　FOR　YOU　KNOW；　HOW　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　HE　　WOULD　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　FOUND　NO　PLACE　OF　REPENTANCE；　　THOUGH　HE　SOUGHT　IT　CAREFULLY　　WITH　TEARS。　　Wherefore　I　could　not　　refrain；　but　fled；　though　at　some　times　it　cried；　RETURN；　RETURN；　　as　if　it　did　hollow　after　me：　　but　I　feared　to　close　in　therewith；　　lest　it　should　not　come　from　God；　for　that　other；　as　I　said；　was　　still　sounding　in　my　conscience；　FOR　YOU　KNOW　THAT　AFTERWARDS；　WHEN　　HE　WOULD　HAVE　INHERITED　THE　BLESSING；　HE　WAS　REJECTED；　ETC。

174。　　Once　as　I　was　walking　to　and　fro　in　a　good　man's　shop；　　bemoaning　of　myself　in　my　sad　and　doleful　state；　afflicting　myself　　with　self…abhorrence　for　this　wicked　and　ungodly　thought；　lamenting　　also　this　hard　hap　of　mine　for　that　I　should　commit　so　great　a　sin；　　greatly　fearing　that　I　should　not　be　pardoned；　praying　also　in　my　　heart；　that　if　this　sin　of　mine　did　differ　from　that　against　the　　Holy　Ghost；　the　Lord　would　show　it　me。　　And　being　now　ready　to　sink　　with　fear；　suddenly　there　was；　as　if　there　had　rushed　in　at　the　　window；　the　noise　of　wind　upon　me；　but　very　pleasant；　and　as　if　I　　heard　a　voice　speaking；　DID'ST　THOU　EVER　REFUSE　TO　BE　JUSTIFIED　BY　　THE　BLOOD　OF　CHRIST？　and　withal；　my　whole　life　of　profession　past；　　was　in　a　moment　opened　to　me；　wherein　I　was　made　to　see；　that　　designedly　I　had　not：　　so　my　heart　answered　groaningly；　NO。　　Then　　fell；　with　power；　that　word　of　God　upon　me；　SEE　THAT　YE　REFUSE　NOT　　HIM　THAT　SPEAKETH。　　Hebrew　xii。　25。　　This　made　a　strange　seizure　　upon　my　spirit；　it　brought　light　with　it；　and　commanded　a　silence　　in　my　heart；　of　all　those　tumultuous　thoughts；　that　did　before　use；　　like　masterless　hell…hounds；　to　roar　and　bellow；　and　make　an　　hideous　noise　within　me。　　It　showed　me　also　that　Jesus　Christ　had　　yet　a　word　of　grace　and　mercy　for　me；　that　He　had　not；　as　I　had　　feared；　quite　forsaken　and　cast　off　my　soul；　yea；　this　was　a　kind　　of　chide　for　my　proneness　to　desperation；　a　kind　of　threatening　of　　me；　if　I　did　not；　notwithstanding　my　sins；　and　the　heinousness　of　　them；　venture　my　salvation　upon　the　Son　of　God。　　But　as　to　my　　determining　about　this　strange　dispensation；　what　it　was；　I　know　　not；　or　from　whence　it　came；　I　know　not；　I　have　not　yet　in　twenty　　years'　time　been　able　to　make　a　judgment　of　it；　I　THOUGHT　THEN　WHAT　　HERE　I　SHOULD　BE　LOTH　TO　SPEAK。　　But　verily　that　sudden　rushing　　wind　was；　as　if　an　angel　had　come　upon　me；　but　both　it；　and　the　　salutation；　I　will　leave　until　the　day　of　judgment：　　only　this　I　　say；　it　commanded　a　great　calm　in　my　soul；　it　persuaded　me　there　　might　be　hope：　　it　showed　me；　as　I　thought；　what　the　sin　　unpardonable　was；　and　that　my　soul　had　yet　the　blessed　privilege　to　　flee　to　Jesus　Christ　for　mercy。　　But　I　say；　concerning　this　　dispensation；　I　know　not　yet　what　to　say　unto　it；　which　was　also；　　in　truth；　the　cause；　that　at　first　I　did　not　speak　of　it　in　the　　book；　I　do　now　also　leave　it　to　be　thought　on　by　men　of　sound　　judgment。　　I　lay　not　the　stress　of　my　salvation　thereupon；　but　upon　　the　Lord　Jesus；　in　the　promise；　yet　seeing　I　am　here　unfolding　of　　my　secret　things；　I　thought　it　might　not　be　altogether　inexpedient　　to　let　this　also　show　itself；　though　I　cannot　now　relate　the　matter　　as　there　I　did　experience　it。　　This　lasted　in　the　savour　of　it　for　　about　three　or　four　days；　and　then　I　began　to　mistrust；　and　to　　despair　again。

175。　　Wherefore　still　my　life　hung　in　doubt　before　me；　not　knowing　　which　way　I　should　tip；　only　this　I　found　my　soul　desire；　even　to　　cast　itself　at　the　foot　of　grace；　by　prayer　and　supplication。　　But　　oh！　'twas　hard　for　me　now；　to　have　the　face　to　pray　to　this　Christ　　for　mercy；　against　Whom　I　had　thus　most　vilely　sinned：　　'twas　hard　　work；　I　say；　to　offer　to　look　Him　in　the　face；　against　Whom　I　had　　so　vilely　sinned；　and　indeed；　I　have　found　it　as　difficult　to　come　　to　God　by　prayer；　after　backsliding　from　Him；　as　to　do　any　other　　thing。　　Oh！　the　shame　that　did　now　attend　me！　especially　when　I　　thought；　I　am　now　a…going　to　pray　to　Him　for　mercy；　that　I　had　so　　lightly　esteemed　but　a　while　before！　　I　was　ashamed；　yea；　even　　confounded；　because　this　villany　had　been　committed　by　me：　　but　I　　saw　that　there　was　but　one　way　with　me；　I　must　go　to　Him；　and　　humble　myself　unto　Him；　and　beg　that　He；　of　His　wonderful　mercy；　　would　show　pity　to　me；　and　have　mercy　upon　my　wretched　sinful　soul。

176。　　Which；　when　the　tempter　perceived；　he　strongly　suggested　to　　me；　THAT　I　OUGHT　NOT　TO　PRAY　TO　GOD；　FOR　PRAYER　WAS　NOT　FOR　ANY　IN　　MY　CASE；　NEITHER　COULD　IT　DO　ME　GOOD；　BECAUSE　I　HAD　REJECTED　THE　　MEDIATOR；　BY　WHOM　ALL　PRAYERS　CAME　WITH　ACCEPTANCE　TO　GOD　THE　　FATHER；　AND　WITHOUT　WHOM；　NO　PRAYER　COULD　COME　INTO　HIS　PRESENCE：　　　WHEREFORE　NOW　TO　PRAY；　IS　BUT　TO　ADD　SIN　TO　SIN；　YEA；　NOW　TO　PRAY；　　SEEING　GOD　HAS　CAST　YOU　OFF；　IS　THE　NEXT　WAY　TO　ANGER　AND　OFFEND　　HIM　MORE　THAN　YOU　EVER　DID　BEFORE。

177。　　FOR　GOD　（saith　he）　HATH　BEEN　WEARY　OF　YOU　FOR　THESE　SEVERAL　　YEARS　ALREADY；　BECAUSE　YOU　ARE　NONE　OF　HIS；　YOUR　BAWLINGS　IN　HIS　　EARS；　HATH　BEEN　NO　PLEASANT　VOICE　TO　HIM；　AND　THEREFORE　HE　LET　YOU　　SIN　THIS　SIN；　THAT　YOU　MIGHT　BE　QUITE　CUT　OFF；　AND　WILL　YOU　PRAY　　STILL？　　This　the　devil　urged；　and　set　forth　that　in　NUMBERS；　when　　MOSES　said　to　the　children　OF　ISRAEL；　THAT　BECAUSE　THEY　WOULD　NOT　　GO　UP　TO　POSSESS　THE　LAND；　WHEN　GOD　WOULD　HAVE　THEM；　THEREFORE　FOR　　EVER　AFTER　HE　DID　BAR　THEM　OUT　FROM　THENCE；　THOUGH　THEY　PRAYED　THEY　　MIGHT　WITH　TEARS。　　Numbers　xiv。　36；　37；　etc。

178。　　As　it　is　said　in　another　place；　Exodus　xxi。　14；　THE　MAN　THAT　　SINS　PRESUMPTUOUSLY　SHALL　BE　TAKEN　FROM　GOD'S　ALTAR；　THAT　HE　MAY　　DIE；　even　as　JOAB　was　by　King　SOLOMON；　when　he　thought　to　find　　shelter　there。　　1　Kings　ii。　27；　28；　etc。　　These　places　did　pinch　me　　very　sore；　yet　my　case　being　desperate；　I　thought　with　myself；　I　　can　but　die；　and　if　it　must　be　so；　it　shall　once　be　said；　THAT　SUCH　　AN　ONE　DIED　AT　THE　FOOT　OF　CHRIST　IN　PRAYER。　　This　I　did；　but　with　　great　difficulty；　God　doth　know；　and　that　because；　together　with　　this；　still　that　saying　about　ESAU　would　be　set　at　my　heart；　even　　like　a　flaming　sword；　to　keep　the　way　of　the　tree　of　life；　lest　I　　should　take　thereof　and　live。　　Oh！　who　knows　how　hard　a　thing