the dust-第47节

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he　wonder　how　she　was　reconciling　this　belief　of　high　and　pure　sentiment　with　what　she　was　doing　in　marrying　him。　　He　knew　that　human　beings　are　not　consistent；　cannot　be　so　in　a　universe　that　compels　them　to　face　directly　opposite　conditions　often　in　the　same　moment。　　But　just　as　all　lines　are　parallel　in　infinity；　so　all　actions　are　profoundly　consistent　when　referred　to　the　infinitely　broad　standard　of　the　necessity　that　every　living　thing　shall　look　primarily　to　its　own　well　being。　Disobedience　to　this　fundamental　carries　with　it　inevitable　punishment　of　disintegration　and　death；　and　those　catastrophes　are　serious　matters　when　one　has　but　the　single　chance　at　life；　that　will　be　repeated　never　again　in　all　the　eternities。

After　their　late　lunch　or　early　dinner；　they　drove　to　her　lodgings。　　He　went　up　with　her　and　helped　her　to　packnot　a　long　process；　as　she　had　few　belongings。　He　noted　that　the　stockings　and　underclothes　she　took　from　the　bureau　drawers　were　in　anything　but　good　condition；　that　the　half　dozen　dresses　she　took　from　the　closet　and　folded　on　the　couch　were　about　done　for。　Presently　she　said；　cheerfully　and　with　no　trace　of　false　shame：

〃You　see；　I'm　pretty　nearly　in　rags。〃

〃Oh；　that's　soon　arranged；〃　replied　he。　　〃Why　bother　to　take　these　things？　　Why　not　give　them　to　the　maid？〃

She　debated　with　herself。　　〃I　think　you're　right；〃　she　decided。　　〃Yes；　I'll　give　them　to　Jennie。〃

〃The　underclothes；　too；〃　he　urged。　　〃And　the　hats。〃

It　ended　in　her　having　left　barely　enough　loosely　to　fill　the　bottom　of　a　small　trunk　with　two　trays。

They　drove　to　the　Knickerbocker　Hotel；　and　he　took　a　small　suite；　one　of　the　smallest　and　least　luxurious　in　the　house；　for　with　all　his　desire　to　make　her　feel　the　contrast　of　her　change　of　circumstances　sharply；　he　could　not　forget　how　limited　his　income　was；　and　how　unwise　it　would　be　to　have　to　move　in　a　few　days　to　humbler　quarters。　　He　hoped　that　the　rooms；　englamoured　by　the　hotel's　general　air　of　costly　luxury；　would　sufficiently　impress　her。　　And　while　she　gave　no　strong　indication　but　accepted　everything　in　her　wonted　quiet；　passive　manner；　he　was　shrewd　enough　to　see　that　she　was　content。　　〃To…morrow；〃　he　said　to　himself；　〃after　she　has　done　some　shopping；　the　last　regret　will　leave　her；　and　her　memory　of　that　clerk　will　begin　to　fade　fast。　　I'll　give　her　too　much　else　to　think　about。〃


The　following　morning；　when　they　faced　each　other　at　breakfast　in　their　sitting　room；　he　glanced　at　her　from　time　to　time　in　wonder　and　terror。　　She　looked　not　merely　insignificant；　but　positively　homely。　　Her　skin　had　a　sickly　pallor；　her　hair　seemed　to　be　of　many　different　and　disagreeable　shades　of　uninteresting　dead　yellow。　　Her　eyes　suggested　faded　blue　china　dishes；　with　colorless　lashes　and　reddened　edges　of　the　lids。　Her　lips　had　lost　their　rosy　freshness；　her　teeth　their　sparkling　whiteness。

His　heavy　heart　seemed　to　be　resting　nauseously　upon　the　pit　of　his　stomach。　　Was　his　infatuation　sheer　delusion；　with　no　basis　of　charm　in　her　at　all？　　Was　she；　indeed；　nothing　but　this　unattractive；　faded　little　commonplaceness？a　poor　specimen　of　an　inferior　order　of　working　girl？　　What　an　awakening！　　And　she　was　his　WIFE！was　his　companion　for　the　yet　more　brilliant　career　he　had　resolved　and　was　planning！　　He　must　introduce　her　everywhere；　must　see　the　not　to　be　concealed　amazement　in　the　faces　of　his　acquaintances；　must　feel　the　cruel　covert　laughter　and　jeering　at　his　weak　folly！　　Was　there　ever　in　history　or　romance　a　parallel　to　such　fatuity　as　his？　　Why；　people　would　be　right　in　thinking　him　a　sham；　a　mere　bluffer　at　the　high　and　strong　qualities　he　was　reputed　to　have。

Had　Norman　been；　in　fact；　the　man　of　ice　and　iron　the　compulsions　of　a　career　under　the　social　system　made　him　seem；　the　homely　girl　opposite　him　that　morning　would　speedily　have　had　something　to　think　about　other　than　her　unhappiness　of　the　woman　who　has　given　her　person　to　one　man　and　her　heart　to　another。　　Instead；　the　few　words　he　addressed　to　her　were　all　gentleness　and　forbearance。　　Stronger　than　his　chagrin　was　his　pity　for　herthe　poor；　unconscious　victim　of　his　mad　hallu…　cination。　　If　she　thought　about　the　matter　at　all；　she　assumed　that　he　was　still　the　slave　of　her　charmsfor；　the　florid　enthusiasm　of　man's　passion　inevitably　deludes　the　woman　into　fancying　it　objective　instead　of　wholly　subjective；　and；　only　the　rare　very　wise　woman；　after　much　experience；　learns　to　be　suspicious　of　the　validity　of　her　own　charms　and　to　concentrate　upon　keeping　up　the　man's　delusions。

At　last　he　rose　and　kissed　her　on　the　brow　and　let　his　hand　rest　gently　on　her　shoulderwhat　a　difference　between　those　caresses　and　the　caresses　that　had　made　her　beg　him　to　be　〃kind〃　to　her！　　Said　he：

〃Do　you　mind　if　I　leave　you　alone　for　a　while？　　I　ought　to　go　to　the　club　and　have　the　rest　of　my　things　packed　and　sent。　　I'll　not　be　gone　longabout　an　hour。〃

〃Very　well；〃　said　she　lifelessly。

〃I'll　telephone　my　office　that　I'll　not　be　down　to…day。〃

With　an　effort　she　said；　〃There's　no　reason　for　doing　that。　　I　don't　want　to　interfere　with　your　business。〃

〃I'm　neglecting　nothing。　　And　that　shopping　must　be　done。〃

She　made　no　reply；　but　went　to　the　window；　and　from　the　height　looked　down　and　out　upon　the　mighty　spread　of　the　city。　　He　observed　her　a　moment　with　a　dazed　pitying　expression；　took　his　hat　and　departed。

It　was　nearly　two　hours　before　he　got　together　suffi…　cient　courage　to　return。　　He　had　been　hopinghad　been　saying　to　himself　with　vigorous　effort　at　confidence　that　he　had　simply　seen　one　more　of　the　many　transformations；　each　of　which　seemed　to　present　her　as　a　wholly　different　personality。　　When　he　should　see　her　again；　she　would　have　wiped　out　the　personality　that　had　shocked　and　saddened　him；　would　appear　as　some　new　variety　of　enchantress；　perhaps　even　more　potent　over　his　senses　than　ever　before。　　But　a　glance　as　he　entered　demolished　that　hope。　　She　was　no　different　than　when　he　left。　　Evidently　she　had　been　crying；　and　spasms　of　that　sort　always　accentuate　every　unloveliness。　He　did　not　try　to　nerve　himself　to　kiss　her；　but　said：

〃It'll　not　take　you　long　to　get　ready？〃

She　moved　to　rise　from　her　languid　rest　upon　the　sofa。　　She　sank　back。　　〃Perhaps　we'd　better　not　go　to…day；〃　suggested　she。

〃Don't　you　feel　well？〃　he　asked；　and　his　tone　was　more　sympathetic　than　it　would　have　been　had　his　sympathy　been　genuine。

〃Not　very；〃　replied　she；　with　a　faint　deprecating　smile。　　〃And　not　verynot　very〃

〃Not　very　what？〃　he　said；　in　a　tone　of　encouragement。

〃Not　very　happy；〃　she　confessed。　　〃I'm　afraid　I've　made　aa　dreadful　mistake。〃

He　looked　at　her　in　silence。　　She　could　have　said　nothing　that　would　have　caused　a　livelier　response　within　himself。　　His　cynicism　noted　the　fact　that　while　he　had　mercifully　concealed　his　discontent；　she　was　thinking　only　of　herself。　　But　he　did　not　blame　her。　　It　was　only　the　familiar　habit　of　the　sex；　bred　of　man's　assiduous　cultivation　of　its　egotism。　　He　said：　　〃Oh；　you'll　feel　differently　about　it　later。　　Let's　get　some　fresh　air　and　see　what　the　shops　have　to　offer。〃

A　pause；　then　she；　timidly：　　〃Would　you　mind　very　much　if　Iif　I　didn'tgo　on？〃

〃You　mean；　if　you　left　me？〃

She　nodded　without　looking　at　him。　　He　could　not　understand　himself；　but　as　he　sat　observing　her；　so　young；　so　inexperienced　and　so　undesirable；　a　pity　of　which　he　would　not　have　dreamed　his　nature　capable　welled　up　in　him；　choking　his　throat　with　sobs　he　could　scarcely　restrain　and　filling　his　eyes　with　tears　he　had　secretly　to　wipe　away。　　And　he　felt　himself　seized　of　a　sense　of　responsibility　for　her　as　strong　in　its　solemn；　still　way　as　any　of　the　paroxysms　of　his　passion　had　been。

He　said：　　〃My　dearyou　mustn't　decide　anything　so　important　to　you　in　a　hurry。〃

A　tremor　passed　over　her；　and　he　thought　she　was　going　to　dissolve　in　hysterics。　　But　she　exhibited　once　more　that　marvelous　and　mysterious　self…control；　whose　secret　had　interested　and　baffled　him。　　She　said　in　her　dim；　quiet　way：

〃It　seems　to　me　I　just　can't　stay　on。〃

〃You　can　always　go；　you　know。　　Why　not　try　it　a　few　days？〃

He　could　feel　the　trend　of　her　thoughts；　and　in　the　way　things　often　amuse　us　without　in　the　least　moving　us　to　wish　to　laugh；　he　was　amused　by　noting　that　she　was　trying　to　bring　herself　to　stay　on；　out　of　consideration　for　HIS　feelings！　　He　said　with　a　kind　of　paternal　tenderness：

〃Whenever　you　want　to　go；　I　am　willing　to　arrange　things　for　youso　that　you　needn't　worry　about　money。　But　I　feel　that；　as　I　am　older　than　you；　I　ought　to　do　all　I　can　to　keep　you　from　making　a　mistake　you　might　soon　regret。〃

She　studied　him　dubiously。　　He　saw　that　she　naturally　enoughdid　not　believe　in　his　disinterestedness；　that　she　hadn't　a　suspicion　of　his　change；　or；　rather　collapse；　of　feeling。　　She　said：

〃If　you　ask　it；　I'll　stay　a　while。　　But　you　must　promise　toto　be　kind　to　me。〃

There　was　only　gentleness　in　his　smile。　　But　what　a　depth　of　satirical　self…mockery　and　amusement　at　her　innocent　young　egotism　it　concealed！　　〃You'll　never　have　reason　to　speak　of　that　again；　my　dear；〃　said　he。

〃Icantrust　you？〃　she　said。

〃Absolutely；〃　replied　he。　　〃I'll　have　another　room　opened　in