paz-第12节
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sarcastic look in his eyes which made Clementine thoughtful and
uneasy。
〃Good…by to the young trees of this beautiful Bois； which you
Parisians love； and the exiles who find a home here love too；〃 he
said； presently。 〃My eyes will never again see the evergreens of the
avenue de Mademoiselle； nor the acacias nor the cedars of the rond…
points。 On the borders of Asia； fighting for the Emperor； promoted to
the command； perhaps； by force of courage and by risking my life； it
may happen that I shall regret these Champs…Elysees where I have
driven beside you； and where you pass。 Yes； I shall grieve for
Malaga's hardnessthe Malaga of whom I am now speaking。〃
This was said in a manner that made Clementine tremble。
〃Then you do love Malaga very much？〃 she asked。
〃I have sacrificed for her the honor that no man should ever
sacrifice。〃
〃What honor？〃
〃That which we desire to keep at any cost in the eyes of our idol。〃
After that reply Thaddeus said no more； he was silent until； as they
passed a wooden building on the Champs Elysees； he said； pointing to
it； 〃That is the Circus。〃
He went to the Russian Embassy before dinner； and thence to the
Foreign office； and the next morning he had started for Havre before
the count and countess were up。
〃I have lost a friend；〃 said Adam； with tears in his eyes； when he
heard that Paz had gone；〃a friend in the true meaning of the word。 I
don't know what has made him abandon me as if a pestilence were in my
house。 We are not friends to quarrel about a woman；〃 he said； looking
intently at Clementine。 〃You heard what he said yesterday about
Malaga。 Well； he has never so much as touched the little finger of
that girl。〃
〃How do you know that？〃 said Clementine。
〃I had the natural curiosity to go and see Mademoiselle Turquet； and
the poor girl can't explain even to herself the absolute reserve which
Thad〃
〃Enough！〃 said the countess； retreating into her bedroom。 〃Can it be
that I am the victim of some noble mystification？〃 she asked herself。
The thought had hardly crossed her mind when Constantin brought her
the following letter written by Thaddeus during the night：
〃Countess；To seek death in the Caucasus and carry with me your
contempt is more than I can bear。 A man should die untainted。 When
I saw you for the first time I loved you as we love a woman whom
we shall love forever； even though she be unfaithful to us。 I
loved you thus；I； the friend of the man you had chosen and were
about to marry； I； poor； I； the steward；a voluntary service； but
still the steward of your household。
〃In this immense misfortune I found a happy life。 To be to you an
indispensable machine； to know myself useful to your comfort； your
luxury； has been the source of deep enjoyments。 If these
enjoyments were great when I thought only of Adam； think what they
were to my soul when the woman I loved was the mainspring of all I
did。 I have known the pleasures of maternity in my love。 I
accepted life thus。 Like the paupers who live along the great
highways； I built myself a hut on the borders of your beautiful
domain； though I never sought to approach you。 Poor and lonely；
struck blind by Adam's good fortune； I was； nevertheless； the
giver。 Yes； you were surrounded by a love as pure as a guardian…
angel's； it waked while you slept； it caressed you with a look as
you passed； it was happy in its own existence；you were the sun
of my native land to me； poor exile； who now writes to you with
tears in his eyes as he thinks of the happiness of those first
days。
〃When I was eighteen years old； having no one to love； I took for
my ideal mistress a charming woman in Warsaw； to whom I confided
all my thoughts； my wishes； I made her the queen of my nights and
days。 She knew nothing of all this； why should she？ I loved my
love。
〃You can fancy from this incident of my youth how happy I was
merely to live in the sphere of your existence； to groom your
horse； to find the new…coined gold for your purse； to prepare the
splendor of your dinners and your balls； to see you eclipsing the
elegance of those whose fortunes were greater than yours； and all
by my own good management。 Ah！ with what ardor I have ransacked
Paris when Adam would say to me； 'SHE wants this or that。' It was
a joy such as I can never express to you。 You wished for a trifle
at one time which kept me seven hours in a cab scouring the city；
and what delight it was to weary myself for you。 Ah！ when I saw
you； unseen by you； smiling among your flowers； I could forget
that no one loved me。 On certain days； when my happiness turned my
head； I went at night and kissed the spot where； to me； your feet
had left their luminous traces。 The air you had breathed was
balmy； in it I breathed in more of life； I inhaled； as they say
persons do in the tropics； a vapor laden with creative principles。
〃I MUST tell you these things to explain the strange presumption
of my involuntary thoughts；I would have died rather than avow it
until now。
〃You will remember those few days of curiosity when you wished to
know the man who performed the household miracles you had
sometimes noticed。 I thought；forgive me； madame；I believed you
might love me。 Your good…will； your glances interpreted by me； a
lover； seemed to me so dangerousfor methat I invented that
story of Malaga； knowing it was the sort of liaison which women
cannot forgive。 I did it in a moment when I felt that my love
would be communicated； fatally； to you。 Despise me； crush me with
the contempt you have so often cast upon me when I did not deserve
it； and yet I am certain that； if； on that evening when your aunt
took Adam away from you； I had said what I have now written to
you； I should； like the tamed tiger that sets his teeth once more
in living flesh； and scents the blood； and
〃Midnight。
〃I could not go on； the memory of that hour is still too living。
Yes； I was maddened。 Was there hope for me in your eyes？ then
victory with its scarlet banners would have flamed in mine and
fascinated yours。 My crime has been to think all this； perhaps
wrongly。 You alone can judge of that dreadful scene when I drove
back love； desire； all the most invincible forces of our manhood；
with the cold hand of gratitude；gratitude which must be eternal。
〃Your terrible contempt has been my punishment。 You have shown me
there is no return from loathing or disdain。 I love you madly。 I
should have gone had Adam died； all the more must I go because he
lives。 A man does not tear his friend from the arms of death to
betray him。 Besides； my going is my punishment for the thought
that came to me that I would let him die； when the doctors said
that his life depended on his nursing。
〃Adieu； madame； in leaving Paris I lose all； but you lose nothing
now in my being no longer near you。
〃Your devoted
〃Thaddeus Paz。〃
〃If my poor Adam says he has lost a friend； what have I lost？〃 thought
Clementine； sinking into a chair with her eyes fixed on the carpet。
The following letter Constantin had orders to give privately to the
count：
〃My dear Adam；Malaga has told me all。 In the name of all your
future happiness； never let a word escape you to Clementine about
your visits to that girl； let her think that Malaga has cost me a
hundred thousand francs。 I know Clementine's character； she will
never forgive you either your losses at cards or your visits to
Malaga。
〃I am not going to Khiva； but to the Caucasus。 I have the spleen；
and at the pace at which I mean to go I shall be either Prince Paz
in three years； or dead。 Good…by； though I have taken sixty…
thousand francs from Nucingen； our accounts are even。
〃Thaddeus。〃
〃Idiot that I was；〃 thought Adam； 〃I came near to cutting my throat
just now； talking about Malaga。〃
It is now three years since Paz went away。 The newspapers have as yet
said nothing about any Prince Paz。 The Comtesse Laginska is immensely
interested in the expeditions of the Emperor Nicholas； she is Russian
to the core； and reads with a sort of avidity all the news that comes
from that distant land。 Once or twice every winter she says to the
Russian ambassador； with an air of indifference； 〃Do you know what has
become of our poor Comte Paz？〃
Alas！ most Parisian women； those beings who think themselves so clever
and clear…sighted； pass and repass beside a Paz and never recognize
him。 Yes； many a Paz is unknown and misconceived； buthorrible to
think of！some are misconceived even though they are loved。 The
simplest women in society exact a certain amount of conventional sham
from the greatest men。 A noble love signifies
