the way of all flesh-第8节

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silent；　but　it　was　too　profound　and　too　much　without　break　for　him
to　become　fully　alive　to　it；　and　come　to　an　understanding　with
himself。　　He　feared　the　dark　scowl　which　would　come　over　his
father's　face　upon　the　slightest　opposition。　　His　father's　violent
threats；　or　coarse　sneers；　would　not　have　been　taken　au　serieux　by　a
stronger　boy；　but　Theobald　was　not　a　strong　boy；　and　rightly　or
wrongly；　gave　his　father　credit　for　being　quite　ready　to　carry　his
threats　into　execution。　　Opposition　had　never　got　him　anything　he
wanted　yet；　nor　indeed　had　yielding；　for　the　matter　of　that；　unless
he　happened　to　want　exactly　what　his　father　wanted　for　him。　　If　he
had　ever　entertained　thoughts　of　resistance；　he　had　none　now；　and
the　power　to　oppose　was　so　completely　lost　for　want　of　exercise　that
hardly　did　the　wish　remain；　there　was　nothing　left　save　dull
acquiescence　as　of　an　ass　crouched　between　two　burdens。　　He　may　have
had　an　ill…defined　sense　of　ideals　that　were　not　his　actuals；　he
might　occasionally　dream　of　himself　as　a　soldier　or　a　sailor　far
away　in　foreign　lands；　or　even　as　a　farmer's　boy　upon　the　wolds；　but
there　was　not　enough　in　him　for　there　to　be　any　chance　of　his
turning　his　dreams　into　realities；　and　he　drifted　on　with　his
stream；　which　was　a　slow；　and；　I　am　afraid；　a　muddy　one。

I　think　the　Church　Catechism　has　a　good　deal　to　do　with　the　unhappy
relations　which　commonly　even　now　exist　between　parents　and
children。　　That　work　was　written　too　exclusively　from　the　parental
point　of　view；　the　person　who　composed　it　did　not　get　a　few　children
to　come　in　and　help　him；　he　was　clearly　not　young　himself；　nor
should　I　say　it　was　the　work　of　one　who　liked　childrenin　spite　of
the　words　〃my　good　child〃　which；　if　I　remember　rightly；　are　once　put
into　the　mouth　of　the　catechist　and；　after　all；　carry　a　harsh　sound
with　them。　　The　general　impression　it　leaves　upon　the　mind　of　the
young　is　that　their　wickedness　at　birth　was　but　very　imperfectly
wiped　out　at　baptism；　and　that　the　mere　fact　of　being　young　at　all
has　something　with　it　that　savours　more　or　less　distinctly　of　the
nature　of　sin。

If　a　new　edition　of　the　work　is　ever　required　I　should　like　to
introduce　a　few　words　insisting　on　the　duty　of　seeking　all
reasonable　pleasure　and　avoiding　all　pain　that　can　be　honourably
avoided。　　I　should　like　to　see　children　taught　that　they　should　not
say　they　like　things　which　they　do　not　like；　merely　because　certain
other　people　say　they　like　them；　and　how　foolish　it　is　to　say　they
believe　this　or　that　when　they　understand　nothing　about　it。　　If　it
be　urged　that　these　additions　would　make　the　Catechism　too　long　I
would　curtail　the　remarks　upon　our　duty　towards　our　neighbour　and
upon　the　sacraments。　　In　the　place　of　the　paragraph　beginning　〃I
desire　my　Lord　God　our　Heavenly　Father〃　I　wouldbut　perhaps　I　had
better　return　to　Theobald；　and　leave　the　recasting　of　the　Catechism
to　abler　hands。



CHAPTER　VIII



Mr　Pontifex　had　set　his　heart　on　his　son's　becoming　a　fellow　of　a
college　before　he　became　a　clergyman。　　This　would　provide　for　him　at
once　and　would　ensure　his　getting　a　living　if　none　of　his　father's
ecclesiastical　friends　gave　him　one。　　The　boy　had　done　just　well
enough　at　school　to　render　this　possible；　so　he　was　sent　to　one　of
the　smaller　colleges　at　Cambridge　and　was　at　once　set　to　read　with
the　best　private　tutors　that　could　be　found。　　A　system　of
examination　had　been　adopted　a　year　or　so　before　Theobald　took　his
degree　which　had　improved　his　chances　of　a　fellowship；　for　whatever
ability　he　had　was　classical　rather　than　mathematical；　and　this
system　gave　more　encouragement　to　classical　studies　than　had　been
given　hitherto。

Theobald　had　the　sense　to　see　that　he　had　a　chance　of　independence
if　he　worked　hard；　and　he　liked　the　notion　of　becoming　a　fellow。　　He
therefore　applied　himself；　and　in　the　end　took　a　degree　which　made
his　getting　a　fellowship　in　all　probability　a　mere　question　of　time。
For　a　while　Mr　Pontifex　senior　was　really　pleased；　and　told　his　son
he　would　present　him　with　the　works　of　any　standard　writer　whom　he
might　select。　　The　young　man　chose　the　works　of　Bacon；　and　Bacon
accordingly　made　his　appearance　in　ten　nicely　bound　volumes。　　A
little　inspection；　however；　showed　that　the　copy　was　a　second　hand
one。

Now　that　he　had　taken　his　degree　the　next　thing　to　look　forward　to
was　ordinationabout　which　Theobald　had　thought　little　hitherto
beyond　acquiescing　in　it　as　something　that　would　come　as　a　matter　of
course　some　day。　　Now；　however；　it　had　actually　come　and　was
asserting　itself　as　a　thing　which　should　be　only　a　few　months　off；
and　this　rather　frightened　him　inasmuch　as　there　would　be　no　way　out
of　it　when　he　was　once　in　it。　　He　did　not　like　the　near　view　of
ordination　as　well　as　the　distant　one；　and　even　made　some　feeble
efforts　to　escape；　as　may　be　perceived　by　the　following
correspondence　which　his　son　Ernest　found　among　his　father's　papers
written　on　gilt…edged　paper；　in　faded　ink　and　tied　neatly　round　with
a　piece　of　tape；　but　without　any　note　or　comment。　　I　have　altered
nothing。　　The　letters　are　as　follows：…


〃My　dear　Father；I　do　not　like　opening　up　a　question　which　has　been
considered　settled；　but　as　the　time　approaches　I　begin　to　be　very
doubtful　how　far　I　am　fitted　to　be　a　clergyman。　　Not；　I　am　thankful
to　say；　that　I　have　the　faintest　doubts　about　the　Church　of　England；
and　I　could　subscribe　cordially　to　every　one　of　the　thirty…nine
articles　which　do　indeed　appear　to　me　to　be　the　ne　plus　ultra　of
human　wisdom；　and　Paley；　too；　leaves　no　loop…hole　for　an　opponent；
but　I　am　sure　I　should　be　running　counter　to　your　wishes　if　I　were
to　conceal　from　you　that　I　do　not　feel　the　inward　call　to　be　a
minister　of　the　gospel　that　I　shall　have　to　say　I　have　felt　when　the
Bishop　ordains　me。　　I　try　to　get　this　feeling；　I　pray　for　it
earnestly；　and　sometimes　half　think　that　I　have　got　it；　but　in　a
little　time　it　wears　off；　and　though　I　have　no　absolute　repugnance
to　being　a　clergyman　and　trust　that　if　I　am　one　I　shall　endeavour　to
live　to　the　Glory　of　God　and　to　advance　His　interests　upon　earth；
yet　I　feel　that　something　more　than　this　is　wanted　before　I　am　fully
justified　in　going　into　the　Church。　　I　am　aware　that　I　have　been　a
great　expense　to　you　in　spite　of　my　scholarships；　but　you　have　ever
taught　me　that　I　should　obey　my　conscience；　and　my　conscience　tells
me　I　should　do　wrong　if　I　became　a　clergyman。　　God　may　yet　give　me
the　spirit　for　which　I　assure　you　I　have　been　and　am　continually
praying；　but　He　may　not；　and　in　that　case　would　it　not　be　better　for
me　to　try　and　look　out　for　something　else？　　I　know　that　neither　you
nor　John　wish　me　to　go　into　your　business；　nor　do　I　understand
anything　about　money　matters；　but　is　there　nothing　else　that　I　can
do？　　I　do　not　like　to　ask　you　to　maintain　me　while　I　go　in　for
medicine　or　the　bar；　but　when　I　get　my　fellowship；　which　should　not
be　long　first；　I　will　endeavour　to　cost　you　nothing　further；　and　I
might　make　a　little　money　by　writing　or　taking　pupils。　　I　trust　you
will　not　think　this　letter　improper；　nothing　is　further　from　my　wish
than　to　cause　you　any　uneasiness。　　I　hope　you　will　make　allowance
for　my　present　feelings　which；　indeed；　spring　from　nothing　but　from
that　respect　for　my　conscience　which　no　one　has　so　often　instilled
into　me　as　yourself。　　Pray　let　me　have　a　few　lines　shortly。　　I　hope
your　cold　is　better。　　With　love　to　Eliza　and　Maria；　I　am；　your
affectionate　son；

〃THEOBALD　PONTIFEX。〃


〃Dear　Theobald；I　can　enter　into　your　feelings　and　have　no　wish　to
quarrel　with　your　expression　of　them。　　It　is　quite　right　and　natural
that　you　should　feel　as　you　do　except　as　regards　one　passage；　the
impropriety　of　which　you　will　yourself　doubtless　feel　upon
reflection；　and　to　which　I　will　not　further　allude　than　to　say　that
it　has　wounded　me。　　You　should　not　have　said　'in　spite　of　my
scholarships。'　　It　was　only　proper　that　if　you　could　do　anything　to
assist　me　in　bearing　the　heavy　burden　of　your　education；　the　money
should　be；　as　it　was；　made　over　to　myself。　　Every　line　in　your
letter　convinces　me　that　you　are　under　the　influence　of　a　morbid
sensitiveness　which　is　one　of　the　devil's　favourite　devices　for
luring　people　to　their　destruction。　　I　have；　as　you　say；　been　at
great　expense　with　your　education。　　Nothing　has　been　spared　by　me　to
give　you　the　advantages；　which；　as　an　English　gentleman；　I　was
anxious　to　afford　my　son；　but　I　am　not　prepared　to　see　that　expense
thrown　away　and　to　have　to　begin　again　from　the　beginning；　merely
because　you　have　taken　some　foolish　scruples　into　your　head；　which
you　should　resist　as　no　less　unjust　to　yourself　than　to　me。

〃Don't　give　way　to　that　restless　desire　for　change　which　is　the　bane
of　so　many　persons　of　both　sexes　at　the　present　day。

〃Of　course　you　needn't　be　ordained：　　nobody　will　compel　you；　you　are
perfectly　free；　you　are　twenty…three　years　of　age；　and　should　know
your　own　mind；　but　why　not　have　known　it　sooner；　instead　of　never　so
much　as　breathing　a　hint　of　opposition　until　I　have　had　all　the
expense　of　sending　you　to　the　University；　which　I　should　never　have
done　unless　I　had　believed　you　to　h