the way of all flesh-第71节

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greatly　better　for　him　than　he　could　have　ordered　them　for　himself。

His　having　lived　six　months　in　Ashpit　Place　was　a　case　in　point。
Things　were　possible　to　him　which　to　others　like　him　would　be
impossible。　　If　such　a　man　as　Towneley　were　told　he　must　live
henceforth　in　a　house　like　those　in　Ashpit　Place　it　would　be　more
than　he　could　stand。　　Ernest　could　not　have　stood　it　himself　if　he
had　gone　to　live　there　of　compulsion　through　want　of　money。　　It　was
only　because　he　had　felt　himself　able　to　run　away　at　any　minute　that
he　had　not　wanted　to　do　so；　now；　however；　that　he　had　become
familiar　with　life　in　Ashpit　Place　he　no　longer　minded　it；　and　could
live　gladly　in　lower　parts　of　London　than　that　so　long　as　he　could
pay　his　way。　　It　was　from　no　prudence　or　forethought　that　he　had
served　this　apprenticeship　to　life　among　the　poor。　　He　had　been
trying　in　a　feeble　way　to　be　thorough　in　his　work：　　he　had　not　been
thorough；　the　whole　thing　had　been　a　fiasco；　but　he　had　made　a
little　puny　effort　in　the　direction　of　being　genuine；　and　behold；　in
his　hour　of　need　it　had　been　returned　to　him　with　a　reward　far
richer　than　he　had　deserved。　　He　could　not　have　faced　becoming　one
of　the　very　poor　unless　he　had　had　such　a　bridge　to　conduct　him　over
to　them　as　he　had　found　unwittingly　in　Ashpit　Place。　　True；　there
had　been　drawbacks　in　the　particular　house　he　had　chosen；　but　he
need　not　live　in　a　house　where　there　was　a　Mr　Holt　and　he　should　no
longer　be　tied　to　the　profession　which　he　so　much　hated；　if　there
were　neither　screams　nor　scripture　readings　he　could　be　happy　in　a
garret　at　three　shillings　a　week；　such　as　Miss　Maitland　lived　in。

As　he　thought　further　he　remembered　that　all　things　work　together
for　good　to　them　that　love　God；　was　it　possible；　he　asked　himself；
that　he　too；　however　imperfectly；　had　been　trying　to　love　him？　　He
dared　not　answer　Yes；　but　he　would　try　hard　that　it　should　be　so。
Then　there　came　into　his　mind　that　noble　air　of　Handel's：　　〃Great
God；　who　yet　but　darkly　known；〃　and　he　felt　it　as　he　had　never　felt
it　before。　　He　had　lost　his　faith　in　Christianity；　but　his　faith　in
somethinghe　knew　not　what；　but　that　there　was　a　something　as　yet
but　darkly　known　which　made　right　right　and　wrong　wronghis　faith
in　this　grew　stronger　and　stronger　daily。

Again　there　crossed　his　mind　thoughts　of　the　power　which　he　felt　to
be　in　him；　and　of　how　and　where　it　was　to　find　its　vent。　　The　same
instinct　which　had　led　him　to　live　among　the　poor　because　it　was　the
nearest　thing　to　him　which　he　could　lay　hold　of　with　any　clearness
came　to　his　assistance　here　too。　　He　thought　of　the　Australian　gold
and　how　those　who　lived　among　it　had　never　seen　it　though　it
abounded　all　around　them：　　〃There　is　gold　everywhere；〃　he　exclaimed
inwardly；　〃to　those　who　look　for　it。〃　　Might　not　his　opportunity　be
close　upon　him　if　he　looked　carefully　enough　at　his　immediate
surroundings？　　What　was　his　position？　　He　had　lost　all。　　Could　he
not　turn　his　having　lost　all　into　an　opportunity？　　Might　he　not；　if
he　too　sought　the　strength　of　the　Lord；　find；　like　St　Paul；　that　it
was　perfected　in　weakness？

He　had　nothing　more　to　lose；　money；　friends；　character；　all　were
gone　for　a　very　long　time　if　not　for　ever；　but　there　was　something
else　also　that　had　taken　its　flight　along　with　these。　　I　mean　the
fear　of　that　which　man　could　do　unto　him。　　Cantabil　vacuus。　　Who
could　hurt　him　more　than　he　had　been　hurt　already？　　Let　him　but　be
able　to　earn　his　bread；　and　he　knew　of　nothing　which　he　dared　not
venture　if　it　would　make　the　world　a　happier　place　for　those　who
were　young　and　loveable。　　Herein　he　found　so　much　comfort　that　he
almost　wished　he　had　lost　his　reputation　even　more　completelyfor
he　saw　that　it　was　like　a　man's　life　which　may　be　found　of　them　that
lose　it　and　lost　of　them　that　would　find　it。　　He　should　not　have　had
the　courage　to　give　up　all　for　Christ's　sake；　but　now　Christ　had
mercifully　taken　all；　and　lo！　it　seemed　as　though　all　were　found。

As　the　days　went　slowly　by　he　came　to　see　that　Christianity　and　the
denial　of　Christianity　after　all　met　as　much　as　any　other　extremes
do；　it　was　a　fight　about　namesnot　about　things；　practically　the
Church　of　Rome；　the　Church　of　England；　and　the　freethinker　have　the
same　ideal　standard　and　meet　in　the　gentleman；　for　he　is　the　most
perfect　saint　who　is　the　most　perfect　gentleman。　　Then　he　saw　also
that　it　matters　little　what　profession；　whether　of　religion　or
irreligion；　a　man　may　make；　provided　only　he　follows　it　out　with
charitable　inconsistency；　and　without　insisting　on　it　to　the　bitter
end。　　It　is　in　the　uncompromisingness　with　which　dogma　is　held　and
not　in　the　dogma　or　want　of　dogma　that　the　danger　lies。　　This　was
the　crowning　point　of　the　edifice；　when　he　had　got　here　he　no　longer
wished　to　molest　even　the　Pope。　　The　Archbishop　of　Canterbury　might
have　hopped　about　all　round　him　and　even　picked　crumbs　out　of　his
hand　without　running　risk　of　getting　a　sly　sprinkle　of　salt。　　That
wary　prelate　himself　might　perhaps　have　been　of　a　different　opinion；
but　the　robins　and　thrushes　that　hop　about　our　lawns　are　not　more
needlessly　distrustful　of　the　hand　that　throws　them　out　crumbs　of
bread　in　winter；　than　the　Archbishop　would　have　been　of　my　hero。

Perhaps　he　was　helped　to　arrive　at　the　foregoing　conclusion　by　an
event　which　almost　thrust　inconsistency　upon　him。　　A　few　days　after
he　had　left　the　infirmary　the　chaplain　came　to　his　cell　and　told　him
that　the　prisoner　who　played　the　organ　in　chapel　had　just　finished
his　sentence　and　was　leaving　the　prison；　he　therefore　offered　the
post　to　Ernest；　who　he　already　knew　played　the　organ。　　Ernest　was　at
first　in　doubt　whether　it　would　be　right　for　him　to　assist　at
religious　services　more　than　he　was　actually　compelled　to　do；　but
the　pleasure　of　playing　the　organ；　and　the　privileges　which　the　post
involved；　made　him　see　excellent　reasons　for　not　riding　consistency
to　death。　　Having；　then；　once　introduced　an　element　of　inconsistency
into　his　system；　he　was　far　too　consistent　not　to　be　inconsistent
consistently；　and　he　lapsed　ere　long　into　an　amiable　indifferentism
which　to　outward　appearance　differed　but　little　from　the
indifferentism　from　which　Mr　Hawke　had　aroused　him。

By　becoming　organist　he　was　saved　from　the　treadmill；　for　which　the
doctor　had　said　he　was　unfit　as　yet；　but　which　he　would　probably
have　been　put　to　in　due　course　as　soon　as　he　was　stronger。　　He　might
have　escaped　the　tailor's　shop　altogether　and　done　only　the
comparatively　light　work　of　attending　to　the　chaplain's　rooms　if　he
had　liked；　but　he　wanted　to　learn　as　much　tailoring　as　he　could；　and
did　not　therefore　take　advantage　of　this　offer；　he　was　allowed；
however；　two　hours　a　day　in　the　afternoon　for　practice。　　From　that
moment　his　prison　life　ceased　to　be　monotonous；　and　the　remaining
two　months　of　his　sentence　slipped　by　almost　as　rapidly　as　they
would　have　done　if　he　had　been　free。　　What　with　music；　books；
learning　his　trade；　and　conversation　with　the　chaplain；　who　was　just
the　kindly；　sensible　person　that　Ernest　wanted　in　order　to　steady
him　a　little；　the　days　went　by　so　pleasantly　that　when　the　time　came
for　him　to　leave　prison；　he　did　so；　or　thought　he　did　so；　not
without　regret。



CHAPTER　LXIX



In　coming　to　the　conclusion　that　he　would　sever　the　connection
between　himself　and　his　family　once　for　all　Ernest　had　reckoned
without　his　family。　　Theobald　wanted　to　be　rid　of　his　son；　it　is
true；　in　so　far　as　he　wished　him　to　be　no　nearer　at　any　rate　than
the　Antipodes；　but　he　had　no　idea　of　entirely　breaking　with　him。　　He
knew　his　son　well　enough　to　have　a　pretty　shrewd　idea　that　this　was
what　Ernest　would　wish　himself；　and　perhaps　as　much　for　this　reason
as　for　any　other　he　was　determined　to　keep　up　the　connection；
provided　it　did　not　involve　Ernest's　coming　to　Battersby　nor　any
recurring　outlay。

When　the　time　approached　for　him　to　leave　prison；　his　father　and
mother　consulted　as　to　what　course　they　should　adopt。

〃We　must　never　leave　him　to　himself；〃　said　Theobald　impressively；
〃we　can　neither　of　us　wish　that。〃

〃Oh；　no！　no！　dearest　Theobald；〃　exclaimed　Christina。　　〃Whoever　else
deserts　him；　and　however　distant　he　may　be　from　us；　he　must　still
feel　that　he　has　parents　whose　hearts　beat　with　affection　for　him　no
matter　how　cruelly　he　has　pained　them。〃

〃He　has　been　his　own　worst　enemy；〃　said　Theobald。　　〃He　has　never
loved　us　as　we　deserved；　and　now　he　will　be　withheld　by　false　shame
from　wishing　to　see　us。　　He　will　avoid　us　if　he　can。〃

〃Then　we　must　go　to　him　ourselves；〃　said　Christina；　〃whether　he
likes　it　or　not　we　must　be　at　his　side　to　support　him　as　he　enters
again　upon　the　world。〃

〃If　we　do　not　want　him　to　give　us　the　slip　we　must　catch　him　as　he
leaves　prison。〃

〃We　will；　we　will；　our　faces　shall　be　the　first　to　gladden　his　eyes
as　he　comes　out；　and　our　voices　the　first　to　exhort　him　to　return　to
the　paths　of　virtue。〃

〃I　think；〃　said　Theobald；　〃if　he　sees　us　in　the　street　he　will　turn
round　and　run　away　from　us。　　He　is　intensely　selfish。〃

〃Then　we　must　get　leave　to　go　inside　the　prison；　and　see　him　before
he　gets　outside。〃

After　a　good　deal　of