the way of all flesh-第66节

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wait　for　the　van　which　should　take　him　to　Coldbath　Fields；　where　he
was　to　serve　his　term。

He　was　still　too　stunned　and　dazed　by　the　suddenness　with　which
events　had　happened　during　the　last　twenty…four　hours　to　be　able　to
realise　his　position。　　A　great　chasm　had　opened　between　his　past　and
future；　nevertheless　he　breathed；　his　pulse　beat；　he　could　think　and
speak。　　It　seemed　to　him　that　he　ought　to　be　prostrated　by　the　blow
that　had　fallen　on　him；　but　he　was　not　prostrated；　he　had　suffered
from　many　smaller　laches　far　more　acutely。　　It　was　not　until　he
thought　of　the　pain　his　disgrace　would　inflict　on　his　father　and
mother　that　he　felt　how　readily　he　would　have　given　up　all　he　had；
rather　than　have　fallen　into　his　present　plight。　　It　would　break　his
mother's　heart。　　It　must；　he　knew　it　wouldand　it　was　he　who　had
done　this。

He　had　had　a　headache　coming　on　all　the　forenoon；　but　as　he　thought
of　his　father　and　mother；　his　pulse　quickened；　and　the　pain　in　his
head　suddenly　became　intense。　　He　could　hardly　walk　to　the　van；　and
he　found　its　motion　insupportable。　　On　reaching　the　prison　he　was
too　ill　to　walk　without　assistance　across　the　hall　to　the　corridor
or　gallery　where　prisoners　are　marshalled　on　their　arrival。　　The
prison　warder；　seeing　at　once　that　he　was　a　clergyman；　did　not
suppose　he　was　shamming；　as　he　might　have　done　in　the　case　of　an　old
gaol…bird；　he　therefore　sent　for　the　doctor。　　When　this　gentleman
arrived；　Ernest　was　declared　to　be　suffering　from　an　incipient
attack　of　brain　fever；　and　was　taken　away　to　the　infirmary。　　Here　he
hovered　for　the　next　two　months　between　life　and　death；　never　in
full　possession　of　his　reason　and　often　delirious；　but　at　last；
contrary　to　the　expectation　of　both　doctor　and　nurse；　he　began
slowly　to　recover。

It　is　said　that　those　who　have　been　nearly　drowned；　find　the　return
to　consciousness　much　more　painful　than　the　loss　of　it　had　been；　and
so　it　was　with　my　hero。　　As　he　lay　helpless　and　feeble；　it　seemed　to
him　a　refinement　of　cruelty　that　he　had　not　died　once　for　all　during
his　delirium。　　He　thought　he　should　still　most　likely　recover　only
to　sink　a　little　later　on　from　shame　and　sorrow；　nevertheless　from
day　to　day　he　mended；　though　so　slowly　that　he　could　hardly　realise
it　to　himself。　　One　afternoon；　however；　about　three　weeks　after　he
had　regained　consciousness；　the　nurse　who　tended　him；　and　who　had
been　very　kind　to　him；　made　some　little　rallying　sally　which　amused
him；　he　laughed；　and　as　he　did　so；　she　clapped　her　hands　and　told
him　he　would　be　a　man　again。　　The　spark　of　hope　was　kindled；　and
again　he　wished　to　live。　　Almost　from　that　moment　his　thoughts　began
to　turn　less　to　the　horrors　of　the　past；　and　more　to　the　best　way　of
meeting　the　future。

His　worst　pain　was　on　behalf　of　his　father　and　mother；　and　how　he
should　again　face　them。　　It　still　seemed　to　him　that　the　best　thing
both　for　him　and　them　would　be　that　he　should　sever　himself　from
them　completely；　take　whatever　money　he　could　recover　from　Pryer；
and　go　to　some　place　in　the　uttermost　parts　of　the　earth；　where　he
should　never　meet　anyone　who　had　known　him　at　school　or　college；　and
start　afresh。　　Or　perhaps　he　might　go　to　the　gold　fields　in
California　or　Australia；　of　which　such　wonderful　accounts　were　then
heard；　there　he　might　even　make　his　fortune；　and　return　as　an　old
man　many　years　hence；　unknown　to　everyone；　and　if　so；　he　would　live
at　Cambridge。　　As　he　built　these　castles　in　the　air；　the　spark　of
life　became　a　flame；　and　he　longed　for　health；　and　for　the　freedom
which；　now　that　so　much　of　his　sentence　had　expired；　was　not　after
all　very　far　distant。

Then　things　began　to　shape　themselves　more　definitely。　　Whatever
happened　he　would　be　a　clergyman　no　longer。　　It　would　have　been
practically　impossible　for　him　to　have　found　another　curacy；　even　if
he　had　been　so　minded；　but　he　was　not　so　minded。　　He　hated　the　life
he　had　been　leading　ever　since　he　had　begun　to　read　for　orders；　he
could　not　argue　about　it；　but　simply　he　loathed　it　and　would　have　no
more　of　it。　　As　he　dwelt　on　the　prospect　of　becoming　a　layman　again；
however　disgraced；　he　rejoiced　at　what　had　befallen　him；　and　found　a
blessing　in　this　very　imprisonment　which　had　at　first　seemed　such　an
unspeakable　misfortune。

Perhaps　the　shock　of　so　great　a　change　in　his　surroundings　had
accelerated　changes　in　his　opinions；　just　as　the　cocoons　of
silkworms；　when　sent　in　baskets　by　rail；　hatch　before　their　time
through　the　novelty　of　heat　and　jolting。　　But　however　this　may　be；
his　belief　in　the　stories　concerning　the　Death；　Resurrection　and
Ascension　of　Jesus　Christ；　and　hence　his　faith　in　all　the　other
Christian　miracles；　had　dropped　off　him　once　and　for　ever。　　The
investigation　he　had　made　in　consequence　of　Mr　Shaw's　rebuke；
hurried　though　it　was；　had　left　a　deep　impression　upon　him；　and　now
he　was　well　enough　to　read　he　made　the　New　Testament　his　chief
study；　going　through　it　in　the　spirit　which　Mr　Shaw　had　desired　of
him；　that　is　to　say　as　one　who　wished　neither　to　believe　nor
disbelieve；　but　cared　only　about　finding　out　whether　he　ought　to
believe　or　no。　　The　more　he　read　in　this　spirit　the　more　the　balance
seemed　to　lie　in　favour　of　unbelief；　till；　in　the　end；　all　further
doubt　became　impossible；　and　he　saw　plainly　enough　that；　whatever
else　might　be　true；　the　story　that　Christ　had　died；　come　to　life
again；　and　been　carried　from　earth　through　clouds　into　the　heavens
could　not　now　be　accepted　by　unbiassed　people。　　It　was　well　he　had
found　it　out　so　soon。　　In　one　way　or　another　it　was　sure　to　meet　him
sooner　or　later。　　He　would　probably　have　seen　it　years　ago　if　he　had
not　been　hoodwinked　by　people　who　were　paid　for　hoodwinking　him。
What　should　he　have　done；　he　asked　himself；　if　he　had　not　made　his
present　discovery　till　years　later　when　he　was　more　deeply　committed
to　the　life　of　a　clergyman？　　Should　he　have　had　the　courage　to　face
it；　or　would　he　not　more　probably　have　evolved　some　excellent　reason
for　continuing　to　think　as　he　had　thought　hitherto？　　Should　he　have
had　the　courage　to　break　away　even　from　his　present　curacy？

He　thought　not；　and　knew　not　whether　to　be　more　thankful　for　having
been　shown　his　error　or　for　having　been　caught　up　and　twisted　round
so　that　he　could　hardly　err　farther；　almost　at　the　very　moment　of
his　having　discovered　it。　　The　price　he　had　had　to　pay　for　this　boon
was　light　as　compared　with　the　boon　itself。　　What　is　too　heavy　a
price　to　pay　for　having　duty　made　at　once　clear　and　easy　of
fulfilment　instead　of　very　difficult？　　He　was　sorry　for　his　father
and　mother；　and　he　was　sorry　for　Miss　Maitland；　but　he　was　no　longer
sorry　for　himself。

It　puzzled　him；　however；　that　he　should　not　have　known　how　much　he
had　hated　being　a　clergyman　till　now。　　He　knew　that　he　did　not
particularly　like　it；　but　if　anyone　had　asked　him　whether　he
actually　hated　it；　he　would　have　answered　no。　　I　suppose　people
almost　always　want　something　external　to　themselves；　to　reveal　to
them　their　own　likes　and　dislikes。　　Our　most　assured　likings　have
for　the　most　part　been　arrived　at　neither　by　introspection　nor　by
any　process　of　conscious　reasoning；　but　by　the　bounding　forth　of　the
heart　to　welcome　the　gospel　proclaimed　to　it　by　another。　　We　hear
some　say　that　such　and　such　a　thing　is　thus　or　thus；　and　in　a　moment
the　train　that　has　been　laid　within　us；　but　whose　presence　we　knew
not；　flashes　into　consciousness　and　perception。

Only　a　year　ago　he　had　bounded　forth　to　welcome　Mr　Hawke's　sermon；
since　then　he　had　bounded　after　a　College　of　Spiritual　Pathology；
now　he　was　in　full　cry　after　rationalism　pure　and　simple；　how　could
he　be　sure　that　his　present　state　of　mind　would　be　more　lasting　than
his　previous　ones？　　He　could　not　be　certain；　but　he　felt　as　though
he　were　now　on　firmer　ground　than　he　had　ever　been　before；　and　no
matter　how　fleeting　his　present　opinions　might　prove　to　be；　he　could
not　but　act　according　to　them　till　he　saw　reason　to　change　them。
How　impossible；　he　reflected；　it　would　have　been　for　him　to　do　this；
if　he　had　remained　surrounded　by　people　like　his　father　and　mother；
or　Pryer　and　Pryer's　friends；　and　his　rector。　　He　had　been
observing；　reflecting；　and　assimilating　all　these　months　with　no
more　consciousness　of　mental　growth　than　a　school…boy　has　of　growth
of　body；　but　should　he　have　been　able　to　admit　his　growth　to
himself；　and　to　act　up　to　his　increased　strength　if　he　had　remained
in　constant　close　connection　with　people　who　assured　him　solemnly
that　he　was　under　a　hallucination？　　The　combination　against　him　was
greater　than　his　unaided　strength　could　have　broken　through；　and　he
felt　doubtful　how　far　any　shock　less　severe　than　the　one　from　which
he　was　suffering　would　have　sufficed　to　free　him。



CHAPTER　LXV



As　he　lay　on　his　bed　day　after　day　slowly　recovering　he　woke　up　to
the　fact　which　most　men　arrive　at　sooner　or　later；　I　mean　that　very
few　care　two　straws　about　truth；　or　have　any　confidence　that　it　is
righter　and　better　to　believe　what　is　true　than　what　is　untrue；　even
though　belief　in　the　untruth　may　seem　at　first　sight　most　expedient。
Yet　it　is　only　these　few　who　can　be　said　to　believe