the story of my heart-第2节

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secret　and　meaning　of　the　earth；　the　golden　sun；　the　light；　the　foam…flecked
sea。　　Let　my　soul　become　enlarged；　I　am　not　enough　；　I　am　little　and
contemptible。　　I　desire　a　great…ness　of　soul；　an　irradiance　of　mind；　a
deeper　insight；　a　broader
hope。　　Give　me　power　of　soul；　so　that　I　may　actually　effect　by
its　will　that　which　I　strive　for。

In　winter；　though　I　could　not　then　rest　on　the　grass；　or　stay
long　enough　to　form　any　definite　expression；　I　still　went　up　to　the　hill
once　now　and　then；　for　it　seemed　that　to　merely　visit　the　spot　repeated　all
that　I　had　previously　said。　　But　it　was　not　only　then。

In　summer　I　went　out　into　the　fields；　and　let　my　soul　inspire
these　thoughts　under　the　trees；　standing　against　the　trunk；　or　looking　up
through　the　branches　at　the　sky。　　If　trees　could　speak；　hundreds　of　them
would　say　that　I　had　had　these　soul…emotions　under　them。　Leaning　against　the
oak's　massive
trunk；　and　feeling　the　rough　bark　and　the　lichen　at　my　back；　looking
southwards　over　the　grassy　fields；　cowslip…yellow；　at　the　woods　on　the
slope；　I　thought　my　desire　of　deeper　soul…life。　　Or　under　the　green　firs；
looking　upwards；　the　sky　was　more　deeply　blue　at　their　tops；　then　the　brake
fern　was　unroll…
ing；　the　doves　cooing；　the　thickets　astir；　the　late　ash…leaves
coming　forth。　　Under　the　shapely　rounded　elms；　by　the　hawthorn　bushes　and
hazel；　everywhere　the　same　deep　desire　for　the　soul…nature；　to　have　from　all
green　things　and　from　the　sunlight　the　inner　meaning　which　was　not　known　to
them；　that　I　might　be　full　of　light　as　the　woods　of　the　sun's　rays。　Just　to
touch　the　lichened　bark　of　a　tree；　or　the　end　of　a　spray　projecting
over　the　path　as　I　walked；　seemed　to　repeat
the　same　prayer　in　me。

The　long…lived　summer　days　dried　and　warmed　the　turf　in　the　meadows。　　I　used
to　lie　down　in　solitary　corners　at　full　length　on　my　back；　so　as　to　feel　the
embrace　of　the　earth。　　The　grass　stood　high　above　me；　and　the　shadows　of　the
tree…branches　danced　on　my　face。　　I　looked　up　at　the　sky；　with　halfclosed
eyes　to　bear　the　dazzling　light。　　Bees　buzzed　over　me；　sometimes　a　butterfly
passed；
there　was　a　hum　in　the　air；　greenfinches　sang　in　the　hedge。　　Gradually
entering　into　the　intense　life　of　the　summer　daysa　life　which　burned
around　as　if　every　grass　blade　and　leaf　were　a　torchI　came　to　feel　the
longdrawn　life　of　the　earth　back　into　the　dimmest　past；　while　the　sun　of　the
moment　was　warm　on　me。　　Sesostris　on　the　most　ancient　sands　of　the　south；in
ancient；　ancient　days；　was　conscious　of　himself　and　of　the　sun。　　This
sunlight　linked　me　through　the　ages　to　that　past　consciousness。　　From　all
the　ages　my　soul　desired　to　take　that　soul…life　which　had　flowed　through
them　as　the　sunbeams　had　continually　poured　on　earth。　　As　the　hot　sands　take
up　the　heat；　so　would　I　take　up　that　soul…energy。　　Dreamy　in　appearance；　I
was　breathing　full　of
existence；　I　was　aware　of　the　grass　blades；　the　flowers；　the　leaves　on　hawth
orn　and　tree。　　I　seemed　to　live　more　largely　through　them；　as　if　each　were　a
pore　through　which　I　drank。
The　grasshoppers　called　and　leaped；　the　greenfinches
sang；　the　blackbirds　happily　fluted；　all　the　air　hummed　with
life。　I　was　plunged　deep　in　existence；　and　with　all　that
existence　I　prayed。

Through　every　grass　blade　in　the　thousand；　thousand　grasses；
through　the　million　leaves；　veined　and　edge…cut；　on　bush　and
tree；　through　the　song…notes　and　the　marked　feathers　of　the
birds；　through　the　insects'　hum　and　the　colour　of　the　butterflies；　through
the　soft　warm　air；　the　flecks　of　clouds
dissolvingI　used　them　all　for　prayer。　　With　all　the　energy　the
sunbeams　had　poured　unwearied　on　the　earth　since　Sesostris　was
conscious　of　them　on　the　ancient　sands；　with　all　the　life　that
had　been　lived　by　vigorous　man　and　beauteous　woman　since　first
in　dearest　Greece　the　dream　of　the　gods　was　woven；　with　all　the
soul…life　that　had　flowed　a　long　stream　down　to　me；　I　prayed
that　I　might　have　a　soul　more　than　equal　to；　far　beyond　my　conception　of；
these　things　of　the　past；　the　present；　and　the　fulness　of　all　life。　　Not
only　equal　to　these；　but　beyond；　higher；　and　more　powerful　than　I　could
imagine。　　That　I　might　take　from　all　their　energy；　grandeur；　and　beauty；　and
gather　it　into　me。　That　my　soul　might　be　more　than　the　cosmos　of
life。

I　prayed　with　the　glowing　clouds　of　sun…set　and　the　soft　light　of　the　first
star　coming　through　the　violet　sky。　　At　night　with　the　stars；　according　to
the　season　：　now　with　the　Pleiades；　now　with　the　Swan　or　burning　Sirius；　and
broad　Orion's　whole
constellation；　red　Aldebaran；　Arcturus；　and　the　Northern　Crown；
with　the　morning　star；　the　lightbringer；　once　now　and　then　when
I　saw　it；　a　white…gold　ball　in　the　violet…purple　sky；　or　framed
about　with　pale　summer　vapour　floating　away　as　red　streaks　shot
horizontally　in　the　east。　　A　diffused　saffron　ascended　into
the　luminous　upper　azure。　　The　disk　of　the　sun　rose　over　the
hill；　fluctuating　with　throbs　of　light；　his　chest　heaved　in
fervour　of　brilliance。　　All　the　glory　of　the　sunrise　filled　me　with　broader
and　furnace…like　vehemence　of　prayer。　　That　I　might　have　the　deepest　of
soul…life；　the　deepest　of　all；　deeper　far　than　all　this　greatness　of　the
visible　universe　and　even　of　the　invisible；　that　I　might　have　a　fulness　of
soul　till　now　unknown；　and　utterly　beyond　my　own　conception。

In　the　deepest　darkness　of　the　night　the　same　thought　rose　in　my
mind　as　in　the　bright　light　of　noontide。　　What　is　there　which　I
have　not　used　to　strengthen　the　same　emotion？

CHAPTER　II

SOMETIMES　I　went　to　a　deep；　narrow　valleyin　the　hills；　silent　and　solitary。
The　sky　crossed　from　side　to　side；　like　a　roof　supported　on　two　walls　of
green。　　Sparrows　chirped　in　the　wheat　at　the　verge　above；　their　calls
falling　like　the　twittering　of　swallows　from　the　air。　　There　was　no　other
sound。　　The　short　grass　was　dried　grey　as　it　grew　by　the　heat；　the　sun　hung
over　the　narrow　vale　as　if　it　had　been　put　there　by　hand。　　Burning；　burning；
the　sun　glowed　on　the　sward　at　the　footof　the　slope　where　these　thoughts
burned　into　me。　　How　many；　many　years；　how　many　cycles　of　years；　how　many
bundles　ofcycles　of　years；　had　the　sun　glowed　down　thus　on　that　hollow？
Since　it　was　formed　how　long？　Since　it　was　worn　and　shaped；groove…like；　in
the　flanks　of　the　hills　by　mighty　forces　which　had　ebbed。　　Alone　with　the
sun　which　glowed　on　the　work　when　it　was　done；　I　saw　back　through　space　to
the　old　time　of　tree…ferns；　of　the　lizard
flying　through　the　air；　the　lizard…dragon　wallowing　in　sea　foam；　the
mountainous　creatures；　twice…elephantine；　feeding　on　land；　all　the　crooked
sequence　of　life。　　The　dragon…fly　which　passed　me　traced　a　continuous
descent　from　the　fly　marked　on　stone　in　those　days。　　The　immense　time　lifted
me　like　a　wave　rolling　under　a　boat；　my　mind　seemed　to　raise　itself　as　the
swell　of　the　cycles　came；　it　felt　strongwith　the　power　of　the　ages。　　With
all　thattime　and　power　I　prayed：　that　I　might　have　in　my　soul　the
intellectual　part　of　it；　theidea；　the　thought。　　Like　a　shuttle　the　mind　shot
to　and　fro　the　past　and　the　present；　in　an　instant。

Full　to　the　brim　of　the　wondrous　past；　I　felt　the　wondrous
present。　　For　the　daythe　very　moment　I　breathed；　that　second　of　time　then
in　the　valley；　was　as　marvellous；　as　grand；　as　all
that　had　gone　before。　　Now；　this　moment　was　the　wonder　and　the
glory。Now；this　moment　was　exceedingly　wonder…
ful。　Now；　this　moment　give　me　all　the
thought；　all　the　idea；　ali　the　soul　expressed　in　the　cosmos
around　me。　Give　me　still　more；　for　the　interminable　universe；
past　and　present；　is　but　earth；　give　me　the　unknown　soul；　wholly
apart　from　it；　the　soul　of　which　I　know　only　that　when　I　touch
the　ground；　when　the　sunlight　touches　my　hand；it　is　not　there。　　Therefore
the　heart　looks　into　space　to　be　away　from　earth。　　With　all　the　cycles；　and
the　sunlight　streaming　through　them；　with　all　that　is　meant　by　the　present；
I　thought　in　the　deep　vale　and　prayed。

There　was　a　secluded　spring　to　which　I　sometimes　went　to　drink
the　pure　water；　lifting　it　in　the　hollow　of　my　hand。　　Drinking
the　lucid　water；　clear　as　light　itself　in　solution；　I　absorbed
the　beauty　and　purity　of　it。　　I　drank　the　thought　of　the　element；　I　desired
soul…nature　pure　and　limpid。　　When　I　saw　the
sparkling　dew　on　the　grassa　rainbow　broken　into　dropsit　called　up　the
same　thought…prayer。　　The　stormy　wind　whose　sudden　twists　laid　the　trees　on
the　ground　woke　the　same　feeling；　my　heart　shouted　with　it。　　The　soft　summer
air　which　entered　when　I
opened　my　window　in　the　morning　breathed　the　same　sweet　desire。
At　night；　before　sleeping；　I　always　looked　out　at　the　shadowy　trees；　the
hills　looming　indistinctly　in　the　dark；　a　star　seen　between　the　drifting
clouds；　prayer　of　soul…life　always。　　I　chose　the　highest　room；　bare　and
gaunt；　because　as　I　sat　at　work　I　could　look　out　and　see　more　of　the　wide
earth；　more　of　the　dome　of　the　sky；　and　could　think　my　desire　through　these。
When　the　crescent　of　the　new　moon　shone；　all　the　old　thoughts　were　renewed。

All　the　succeeding　incidents　of　the　year　repeated　my　prayer　as
I　noted　them。　　The　first　green　leaf　on　the　hawthorn；　the　first
spike　of　meadow　grass；　the　first　song　of　the