the story of my heart-第11节

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old　age　and　death。　Of　all　the　inventions　of　casuistry　with　man　for　ages　has
in　various　ways　which　manacled　himself；　and　stayed　his　own　advance；　there　is
none　equally　potent　with　the　supposition　that　nothing　more　is　possible。　Once
well　impress　on　the　mind　that　it　has　already　all；　that　advance　is　impossible
because　there　is　nothing　further；　and　it　is　chained　like　a　horse　to　an　iron
pin　in　the　ground。　It　is　the　most　deadlythe　most　fatal　poison　of　the　mind。
No　such　casuistry　has　ever　for　a　moment　held　me；　but　still；　if　permitted；
the　constant　routine　of　house…life；　the　same　work；　the　same　thought　in　the
work；　the　little　circumstances　regularly　recurring；　will　dull　the　keenest
edge　of　thought。　By　my　daily　pilgrimage；　I　escaped　from　it　back　to　the　sun。

In　summer　the　leaves　of　the　aspen　rustled　pleasantly；　there　was
the　tinkle　of　falling　water　over　a　hatch；　thrushes　sang　and
blackbirds　whistled；　greenfinches　laughed　in　their　talk　to　each
other。　The　commonplace　dusty　road　was　commonplace　no　longer。
In　the　dust　was　the　mark　of　the　chaffinches'　little　feet；　the
white　light　rendered　even　the　dust　brighter　to　look　on。　The　air
came　from　the　south…westthere　were　distant　hills　in　that
directionover　fields　of　grass　and　corn。　As　I　visited　the　spot
from　day　to　day　the　wheat　grew　from　green　to　yellow；　the　wild
roses　flowered；　the　scarlet　poppies　appeared；　and　again　the
beeches　reddened　in　autumn。　In　the　march　of　time　there　fell
away　from　my　mind；　as　the　leaves　from　the　trees　in　autumn；　the
last　traces　and　relics　of　superstitions　and　traditions　acquired
compulsorily　in　childhood。　Always　feebly　adhering；　they　finally
disappeared。

There　fell　away；　too；　personal　bias　and　prejudices；　enabling　me
to　see　clearer　and　with　wider　sympathies。　　The　glamour　of
modern　science　and　discoveries　faded　away；　for　I　found　them　no
more　than　the　first　potter's　wheel。　Erasure　and　reception
proceeded　together；　the　past　accumulations　of　casuistry　were
erased；　and　my　thought　widened　to　receive　the　idea　of　something
beyond　all　previous　ideas。　With　disbelief；　belief　increased。
The　aspiration　and　hope；　the　prayer；　was　the　same　as　that　which
I　felt　years　before　on　the　hills；　only　it　now　broadened。

Experience　of　life；　instead　of　curtailing　and　checking　my　prayer；　led　me　to
reject　experience　altogether。　As　well　might
the　horse　believe　that　the　road　the　bridle　forces　it　to　traverse
every　day　encircles　the　earth　as　I　believe　in　experience。　All
the　experience　of　the　greatest　city　in　the　world　could　not
withhold　me。　I　rejected　it　wholly。　I　stood　bare…headed　before
the　sun；　in　the　presence　of　the　earth　and　air；　in　the　presence
of　the　immense　forces　of　the　universe。　I　demand　that　which　will　make　me　more
perfect　now；　this　hour。　London　convinced　me　of　my　own　thought。　That　thought
has　always　been　with　me；　and　always　grows　wider。

One　midsummer　I　went　out　of　the　road　into　the　fields；　and　sat
down　on　the　grass　between　the　yellowing　wheat　and　the　green
hawthorn　bushes。　The　sun　burned　in　the　sky；　the　wheat　was　full
of　a　luxuriant　sense　of　growth；　the　grass　high；　the　earth　giving
its　vigour　to　tree　and　leaf；　the　heaven　blue。　The　vigour　and
growth；　the　warmth　and　light；　the　beauty　and　richness　of　it
entered　into　me；　an　ecstasy　of　soul　accompanied　the　delicate
excitement　of　the　senses：　the　soul　rose　with　the　body。　Rapt　in
the　fulness　of　the　moment；　I　prayed　there　with　all　that
expansion　of　mind　and　frame；　no　words；　no　definition；
inexpressible　desire　of　physical　life；　of　soul…life；　equal　to
and　beyond　the　highest　imagining　of　my　heart。

These　memories　cannot　be　placed　in　exact　chronological　order。
There　was　a　time　when　a　weary　restlessness　came　upon　me；　perhaps　from
too…long…continued　labour。　It　was　like　a　droughta　moral　droughtas　if　I
had　been　absent　for　many　years　from　the　sources　of　life　and　hope。　The　inner
nature　was　faint；　all　was　dry　and　tasteless；　I　was　weary　for　the　pure；　fresh
springs　of　thought。　Some　instinctive　feeling　uncontrollable　drove　me　to　the
sea；　I　was　so　under　its　influence　that　I　could　not　arrange　the　journey　so　as
to　get　the　longest　day。　I　merely　started；　and　of　course　had　to　wait　and
endure　much　inconvenience。　To　get　to　the　sea　at　some　quiet　spot　was　my　one
thought；　to　do　so　I　had　to　travel　farther；　and　from　want　of　prearrangement
it　was　between　two　and　three　in　the　afternoon　before　I　reached　the　end　of　my
journey。　Even　then；　being　too　much　preoccupied　to　inquire　the　way；　I　missed
the　road　and　had　to　walk　a　long　distance　before　coming　to　the　shore。　But　I
found　the　sea　at　last；　I　walked　beside　it　in　a　trance　away　from　the　houses
out　into　the　wheat。　　he　ripe　corn　stood　up　to　the　beach；　the　waves　on　one
side　of　the　shingle；　and　the　yellow　wheat　on　the　other。

There；　alone；　I　went　down　to　the　sea。　I　stood　where　the　foam
came　to　my　feet；　and　looked　out　over　the　sunlit　waters。　The
great　earth　bearing　the　richness　of　the　harvest；　and　its　hills
golden　with　corn；　was　at　my　back；　its　strength　and　firmness
under　me。　The　great　sun　shone　above；　the　wide　sea　was　before
me；　the　wind　came　sweet　and　strong　from　the　waves。　The　life　of
the　earth　and　the　sea；　the　glow　of　the　sun　filled　me；　I　touched
the　surge　with　my　hand；　I　lifted　my　face　to　the　sun；　I　opened　my
lips　to　the　wind。　I　prayed　aloud　in　the　roar　of　the　wavesmy
soul　was　strong　as　the　sea　and　prayed　with　the　sea's　might。　Give　me　fulness
of　life　like　to　the　sea　and　the　sun；　to　the　earth　and　the　air；　give　me
fulness　of　physical　life；　mind　equal　and　beyond　their　fulness；　give　me　a
greatness　and　perfection　of　soul　higher　than　all　things；　give　me　my
inexpressible　desire　which　swells　in　me　like　a　tidegive　it　to　me　with　all
the　force　of　the　sea。

Then　I　rested；　sitting　by　the　wheat；　the　bank　of　beach　was
between　me　and　the　sea；　but　the　waves　beat　against　it；　the　sea
was　there；　the　sea　was　present　and　at　hand。　By　the　dry　wheat　I
rested；　I　did　not　think；　I　was　inhaling　the　richness　of　the　sea；
all　the　strength　and　depth　of　meaning　of　the　sea　and　earth　came
to　me　again。　I　rubbed　out　some　of　the　wheat　in　my　hands；　I　took
up　a　piece　of　clod　and　crumbled　it　in　my　fingersit　was　a　joy　to　touch
itI　held　my　hand　so　that　I　could　see　the　sunlight　gleam　on　the　slightly
moist　surface　of　the　skin。　The　earth　and　sunwere　to　me　like　my　flesh　and
blood；　and　the　air　of　the　sea
life。

With　all　the　greater　existence　I　drew　from　them　I　prayed　for　a
bodily　life　equal　to　it；　for　a　soul…life　beyond　my　thought；　for
my　inexpressible　desire　of　more　than　I　could　shape　even　into
idea。　There　was　something　higher　than　idea；　invisible　to
thought　as　air　to　the　eye；　give　me　bodily　life　equal　in　fulness
to　the　strength　of　earth；　and　sun；　and　sea；　give　me　the　soul…
life　of　my　desire。　Once　more　I　went　down　to　the　sea；　touched
it；　and　said　farewell。　So　deep　was　the　inhalation　of　this　life
that　day；　that　it　seemed　to　remain　in　me　for　years。　This　was　a
real　pilgrimage。

Time　passed　away；　with　more　labour；　pleasure；　and　again　at　last；　after　much
pain　and　wearinesss　of　mind；　I　came　down　again　to　the　sea。　The　circumstances
were　changedit　was　not　a　hurried　glancethere　were　opportunities　for
longer　thought。　It　mattered　scarcely　anything　to　me　now　whether　I　was　alone；
or　whether　houses　and　other　people　were　near。　Nothing　could　disturb　my
inner　vision。　By　the　sea；　aware　of　the　sun　overhead；　and　the
blue　heaven；　I　feel　that　there　is　nothing　between　me　and　space。
This　is　the　verge　of　a　gulf；　and　a　tangent　from　my　feet　goes
straight　unchecked　into　the　unnknown。　It　is　the　edge　of　the　abyss　as　much　as
if　the　earth　were　cut　away　in　a　sheer　fall　of
eight　thousand　miles　to　the　sky　beneath；　thence　a　hollow　to　the
stars。　Looking　straight　out　is　looking　straight　down；　the　eye…
glance　gradually　departs　from　the　sea…level；　and；　rising　as　that
falls；　enters　the　hollow　of　heaven。　It　is　gazing　along　the　face
of　a　vast　precipice　into　the　hollow　space　which　is　nameless。

There　mystery　has　been　placed；　but　realising　the　vast　hollow
yonder　makes　me　feel　that　the　mystery　is　here。　I；　who　am　here
on　the　verge；　standing　on　the　margin　of　the　sky；　am　in　the　mystery　itself。
If　I　let　my　eye　look　back　upon　me　from　the　extreme　opposite　of　heaven；　then
this　spot　where　I　stand　is　in　the　centre　of　the　hollow。　Alone　with　the　sea
and　sky；　I　presently　feel　all　the　depth　and　wonder　of　the　unknown　come　back
surging　up　around；　and　touching　me　as　the　foam　runs　to　my　feet。　I　am　in　it
now；　not　to…morrow；　this　moment；　I　cannot　escape　from　it。　Though　I　may
deceive　myself　with　labour；　yet　still　I　am　in　it；　in　sleep　too。　There　is　no
escape　from　this　immensity。

Feeling　this　by　the　sea；　under　the　sun；　my　life　enlarges　and
quickens；　striving　to　take　to　itself　the　largeness　of　the　heaven。　The　frame
cannot　expand；　but　the　soul　is　able　to　stand
before　it。　No　giant's　body　could　be　in　proportion　to　the　earth；
but　a　little　spirit　is　equal　to　the　entire　cosmos；　to　earth　and
ocean；　sun　and　star…hollow。　These　are　but　a　few　acres　to　it。
Were　the　cosmos　twice　as　wide；　the　soul　could　run　over　it；
and　return　to　itself　in　a　time　so　small；　no　measure　exists　to　mete　it。
Therefore；　I　think　the　soul　may　sometimes　find　out　an　existence　as　superior
as　my　mind　is　to　the　dead　chalk　cliff。

With　the　great　sun　bu