the diary of a nobody-第5节

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d。〃　　Farmerson　said：　　〃Pardon　me；　Mr。　Pooter；　no　shop　when　we're　in　company；　please。〃

Before　I　could　think　of　a　reply；　one　of　the　sheriffs；　in　full　Court　costume；　slapped　Farmerson　on　the　back　and　hailed　him　as　an　old　friend；　and　asked　him　to　dine　with　him　at　his　lodge。　　I　was　astonished。　　For　full　five　minutes　they　stood　roaring　with　laughter；　and　stood　digging　each　other　in　the　ribs。　　They　kept　telling　each　other　they　didn't　look　a　day　older。　　They　began　embracing　each　other　and　drinking　champagne。

To　think　that　a　man　who　mends　our　scraper　should　know　any　member　of　our　aristocracy！　　I　was　just　moving　with　Carrie；　when　Farmerson　seized　me　rather　roughly　by　the　collar；　and　addressing　the　sheriff；　said：　　〃Let　me　introduce　my　neighbour；　Pooter。〃　　He　did　not　even　say　〃Mister。〃　　The　sheriff　handed　me　a　glass　of　champagne。　　I　felt；　after　all；　it　was　a　great　honour　to　drink　a　glass　of　wine　with　him；　and　I　told　him　so。　　We　stood　chatting　for　some　time；　and　at　last　I　said：　　〃You　must　excuse　me　now　if　I　join　Mrs。　Pooter。〃　　When　I　approached　her；　she　said：　　〃Don't　let　me　take　you　away　from　friends。　　I　am　quite　happy　standing　here　alone　in　a　crowd；　knowing　nobody！〃

As　it　takes　two　to　make　a　quarrel；　and　as　it　was　neither　the　time　nor　the　place　for　it；　I　gave　my　arm　to　Carrie；　and　said：　　〃I　hope　my　darling　little　wife　will　dance　with　me；　if　only　for　the　sake　of　saying　we　had　danced　at　the　Mansion　House　as　guests　of　the　Lord　Mayor。〃　　Finding　the　dancing　after　supper　was　less　formal；　and　knowing　how　much　Carrie　used　to　admire　my　dancing　in　the　days　gone　by；　I　put　my　arm　round　her　waist　and　we　commenced　a　waltz。

A　most　unfortunate　accident　occurred。　　I　had　got　on　a　new　pair　of　boots。　　Foolishly；　I　had　omitted　to　take　Carrie's　advice；　namely；　to　scratch　the　soles　of　them　with　the　points　of　the　scissors　or　to　put　a　little　wet　on　them。　　I　had　scarcely　started　when；　like　lightning；　my　left　foot　slipped　away　and　I　came　down；　the　side　of　my　head　striking　the　floor　with　such　violence　that　for　a　second　or　two　I　did　not　know　what　had　happened。　　I　needly　hardly　say　that　Carrie　fell　with　me　with　equal　violence；　breaking　the　comb　in　her　hair　and　grazing　her　elbow。

There　was　a　roar　of　laughter；　which　was　immediately　checked　when　people　found　that　we　had　really　hurt　ourselves。　　A　gentleman　assisted　Carrie　to　a　seat；　and　I　expressed　myself　pretty　strongly　on　the　danger　of　having　a　plain　polished　floor　with　no　carpet　or　drugget　to　prevent　people　slipping。　　The　gentleman；　who　said　his　name　was　Darwitts；　insisted　on　escorting　Carrie　to　have　a　glass　of　wine；　an　invitation　which　I　was　pleased　to　allow　Carrie　to　accept。

I　followed；　and　met　Farmerson；　who　immediately　said；　in　his　loud　voice　〃Oh；　are　you　the　one　who　went　down？〃

I　answered　with　an　indignant　look。

With　execrable　taste；　he　said：　　〃Look　here；　old　man；　we　are　too　old　for　this　game。　　We　must　leave　these　capers　to　the　youngsters。　　Come　and　have　another　glass；　that　is　more　in　our　line。〃

Although　I　felt　I　was　buying　his　silence　by　accepting；　we　followed　the　others　into　the　supper…room。

Neither　Carrie　nor　I；　after　our　unfortunate　mishap；　felt　inclined　to　stay　longer。　　As　we　were　departing；　Farmerson　said：　　〃Are　you　going？　if　so；　you　might　give　me　a　lift。〃

I　thought　it　better　to　consent；　but　wish　I　had　first　consulted　Carrie。



CHAPTER　V。



After　the　Mansion　House　Ball。　　Carrie　offended。　　Gowing　also　offended。　　A　pleasant　party　at　the　Cummings'。　　Mr。　Franching；　of　Peckham；　visits　us。


May　8。　…　I　woke　up　with　a　most　terrible　head…ache。　　I　could　scarcely　see；　and　the　back　of　my　neck　was　as　if　I　had　given　it　a　crick。　　I　thought　first　of　sending　for　a　doctor；　but　I　did　not　think　it　necessary。　　When　up；　I　felt　faint；　and　went　to　Brownish's；　the　chemist；　who　gave　me　a　draught。　　So　bad　at　the　office；　had　to　get　leave　to　come　home。　　Went　to　another　chemist　in　the　City；　and　I　got　a　draught。　　Brownish's　dose　seems　to　have　made　me　worse；　have　eaten　nothing　all　day。　　To　make　matters　worse；　Carrie；　every　time　I　spoke　to　her；　answered　me　sharply　…　that　is；　when　she　answered　at　all。

In　the　evening　I　felt　very　much　worse　again　and　said　to　her：　　〃I　do　believe　I've　been　poisoned　by　the　lobster　mayonnaise　at　the　Mansion　House　last　night；〃　she　simply　replied；　without　taking　her　eyes　from　her　sewing：　　〃Champagne　never　did　agree　with　you。〃　　I　felt　irritated；　and　said：　　〃What　nonsense　you　talk；　I　only　had　a　glass　and　a　half；　and　you　know　as　well　as　I　do　…　〃　　Before　I　could　complete　the　sentence　she　bounced　out　of　the　room。　　I　sat　over　an　hour　waiting　for　her　to　return；　but　as　she　did　not；　I　determined　I　would　go　to　bed。　　I　discovered　Carrie　had　gone　to　bed　without　even　saying　〃good…night〃；　leaving　me　to　bar　the　scullery　door　and　feed　the　cat。　　I　shall　certainly　speak　to　her　about　this　in　the　morning。

May　9。　…　Still　a　little　shaky；　with　black　specks。　　The　BLACKFRIARS　BI…WEEKLY　NEWS　contains　a　long　list　of　the　guests　at　the　Mansion　House　Ball。　　Disappointed　to　find　our　names　omitted；　though　Farmerson's　is　in　plainly　enough　with　M。L。L。　after　it；　whatever　that　may　mean。　　More　than　vexed；　because　we　had　ordered　a　dozen　copies　to　send　to　our　friends。　　Wrote　to　the　BLACKFRIARS　BI…WEEKLY　NEWS；　pointing　out　their　omission。

Carrie　had　commenced　her　breakfast　when　I　entered　the　parlour。　　I　helped　myself　to　a　cup　of　tea；　and　I　said；　perfectly　calmly　and　quietly：　　〃Carrie；　I　wish　a　little　explanation　of　your　conduct　last　night。〃

She　replied；　〃Indeed！　and　I　desire　something　more　than　a　little　explanation　of　your　conduct　the　night　before。〃

I　said；　coolly：　　〃Really；　I　don't　understand　you。〃

Carrie　said　sneeringly：　　〃Probably　not；　you　were　scarcely　in　a　condition　to　understand　anything。〃

I　was　astounded　at　this　insinuation　and　simply　ejaculated：　〃Caroline！〃

She　said：　　〃Don't　be　theatrical；　it　has　no　effect　on　me。　　Reserve　that　tone　for　your　new　friend；　Mister　Farmerson；　the　ironmonger。〃

I　was　about　to　speak；　when　Carrie；　in　a　temper　such　as　I　have　never　seen　her　in　before；　told　me　to　hold　my　tongue。　　She　said：　　〃Now　I'M　going　to　say　something！　　After　professing　to　snub　Mr。　Farmerson；　you　permit　him　to　snub　YOU；　in　my　presence；　and　then　accept　his　invitation　to　take　a　glass　of　champagne　with　you；　and　you　don't　limit　yourself　to　one　glass。　　You　then　offer　this　vulgar　man；　who　made　a　bungle　of　repairing　our　scraper；　a　seat　in　our　cab　on　the　way　home。　　I　say　nothing　about　his　tearing　my　dress　in　getting　in　the　cab；　nor　of　treading　on　Mrs。　James's　expensive　fan；　which　you　knocked　out　of　my　hand；　and　for　which　he　never　even　apologised；　but　you　smoked　all　the　way　home　without　having　the　decency　to　ask　my　permission。　　That　is　not　all！　　At　the　end　of　the　journey；　although　he　did　not　offer　you　a　farthing　towards　his　share　of　the　cab；　you　asked　him　in。　　Fortunately；　he　was　sober　enough　to　detect；　from　my　manner；　that　his　company　was　not　desirable。〃

Goodness　knows　I　felt　humiliated　enough　at　this；　but；　to　make　matters　worse；　Gowing　entered　the　room；　without　knocking；　with　two　hats　on　his　head　and　holding　the　garden…rake　in　his　hand；　with　Carrie's　fur　tippet　（which　he　had　taken　off　the　downstairs　hall…　peg）　round　his　neck；　and　announced　himself　in　a　loud；　coarse　voice：　〃His　Royal　Highness；　the　Lord　Mayor！〃　　He　marched　twice　round　the　room　like　a　buffoon；　and　finding　we　took　no　notice；　said：　　〃Hulloh！　what's　up？　　Lovers'　quarrel；　eh？〃

There　was　a　silence　for　a　moment；　so　I　said　quietly：　　〃My　dear　Gowing；　I'm　not　very　well；　and　not　quite　in　the　humour　for　joking；　especially　when　you　enter　the　room　without　knocking；　an　act　which　I　fail　to　see　the　fun　of。〃

Gowing　said：　　〃I'm　very　sorry；　but　I　called　for　my　stick；　which　I　thought　you　would　have　sent　round。〃　　I　handed　him　his　stick；　which　I　remembered　I　had　painted　black　with　the　enamel　paint；　thinking　to　improve　it。　　He　looked　at　it　for　a　minute　with　a　dazed　expression　and　said：　　〃Who　did　this？〃

I　said：　　〃Eh；　did　what？〃

He　said：　　〃Did　what？　　Why；　destroyed　my　stick！　　It　belonged　to　my　poor　uncle；　and　I　value　it　more　than　anything　I　have　in　the　world！　I'll　know　who　did　it。〃

I　said：　　〃I'm　very　sorry。　　I　dare　say　it　will　come　off。　　I　did　it　for　the　best。〃

Gowing　said：　　〃Then　all　I　can　say　is；　it's　a　confounded　liberty；　and　I　WOULD　add；　you're　a　bigger　fool　than　you　look；　only　THAT'S　absolutely　impossible。〃

May　12。　…　Got　a　single　copy　of　the　BLACKFRIARS　BI…WEEKLY　NEWS。　There　was　a　short　list　of　several　names　they　had　omitted；　but　the　stupid　people　had　mentioned　our　names　as　〃Mr。　and　Mrs。　C。　Porter。〃　Most　annoying！　　Wrote　again　and　I　took　particular　care　to　write　our　name　in　capital　letters；　POOTER；　so　that　there　should　be　no　possible　mistake　this　time。

May　16。　…　Absolutely　disgusted　on　opening　the　BLACKFRIARS　BI…WEEKLY　NEWS　of　to…day；　to　find　the　following　paragraph：　　〃We　have　received　two　letters　from　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Charles　Pewter；　requesting　us　to　announce　the　important　fact　that　they　were　at　the　Mansion　House　Ball。〃　　I　tore　up　the　paper　and　threw　it　in　the　waste…paper　basket。　My　time　is　far　too　valuable　to　bother　about　such　trifles。

May　21。　…　The　last　week　or　ten　days　terribly　dull；　Carrie　being　away　at　Mrs。　James's；　at　Sutton。　　Cummings　also　away。　　Gowing；　I　presume；　is　still　offended　with　me　for　black　enamelling　his　stick　wit