the diary of a nobody-第1节

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The　Diary　of　a　Nobody

by　George　and　Weedon　Grossmith



CHAPTER　I。



We　settle　down　in　our　new　home；　and　I　resolve　to　keep　a　diary。　Tradesmen　trouble　us　a　bit；　so　does　the　scraper。　　The　Curate　calls　and　pays　me　a　great　compliment。


My　clear　wife　Carrie　and　I　have　just　been　a　week　in　our　new　house；　〃The　Laurels；〃　Brickfield　Terrace；　Holloway　…　a　nice　six…roomed　residence；　not　counting　basement；　with　a　front　breakfast…parlour。　We　have　a　little　front　garden；　and　there　is　a　flight　of　ten　steps　up　to　the　front　door；　which；　by…the…by；　we　keep　locked　with　the　chain　up。　　Cummings；　Gowing；　and　our　other　intimate　friends　always　come　to　the　little　side　entrance；　which　saves　the　servant　the　trouble　of　going　up　to　the　front　door；　thereby　taking　her　from　her　work。　　We　have　a　nice　little　back　garden　which　runs　down　to　the　railway。　　We　were　rather　afraid　of　the　noise　of　the　trains　at　first；　but　the　landlord　said　we　should　not　notice　them　after　a　bit；　and　took　2　pounds　off　the　rent。　　He　was　certainly　right；　and　beyond　the　cracking　of　the　garden　wall　at　the　bottom；　we　have　suffered　no　inconvenience。

After　my　work　in　the　City；　I　like　to　be　at　home。　　What's　the　good　of　a　home；　if　you　are　never　in　it？　　〃Home；　Sweet　Home；〃　that's　my　motto。　　I　am　always　in　of　an　evening。　　Our　old　friend　Gowing　may　drop　in　without　ceremony；　so　may　Cummings；　who　lives　opposite。　　My　dear　wife　Caroline　and　I　are　pleased　to　see　them；　if　they　like　to　drop　in　on　us。　　But　Carrie　and　I　can　manage　to　pass　our　evenings　together　without　friends。　　There　is　always　something　to　be　done：　　a　tin…tack　here；　a　Venetian　blind　to　put　straight；　a　fan　to　nail　up；　or　part　of　a　carpet　to　nail　down　…　all　of　which　I　can　do　with　my　pipe　in　my　mouth；　while　Carrie　is　not　above　putting　a　button　on　a　shirt；　mending　a　pillow…case；　or　practising　the　〃Sylvia　Gavotte〃　on　our　new　cottage　piano　（on　the　three　years'　system）；　manufactured　by　W。　Bilkson　（in　small　letters）；　from　Collard　and　Collard　（in　very　large　letters）。　　It　is　also　a　great　comfort　to　us　to　know　that　our　boy　Willie　is　getting　on　so　well　in　the　Bank　at　Oldham。　　We　should　like　to　see　more　of　him。　　Now　for　my　diary：…


April　3。　…　Tradesmen　called　for　custom；　and　I　promised　Farmerson；　the　ironmonger；　to　give　him　a　turn　if　I　wanted　any　nails　or　tools。　By…the…by；　that　reminds　me　there　is　no　key　to　our　bedroom　door；　and　the　bells　must　be　seen　to。　　The　parlour　bell　is　broken；　and　the　front　door　rings　up　in　the　servant's　bedroom；　which　is　ridiculous。　Dear　friend　Gowing　dropped　in；　but　wouldn't　stay；　saying　there　was　an　infernal　smell　of　paint。

April　4。　　Tradesmen　still　calling；　Carrie　being　out；　I　arranged　to　deal　with　Horwin；　who　seemed　a　civil　butcher　with　a　nice　clean　shop。　　Ordered　a　shoulder　of　mutton　for　to…morrow；　to　give　him　a　trial。　　Carrie　arranged　with　Borset；　the　butterman；　and　ordered　a　pound　of　fresh　butter；　and　a　pound　and　a　half　of　salt　ditto　for　kitchen；　and　a　shilling's　worth　of　eggs。　　In　the　evening；　Cummings　unexpectedly　dropped　in　to　show　me　a　meerschaum　pipe　he　had　won　in　a　raffle　in　the　City；　and　told　me　to　handle　it　carefully；　as　it　would　spoil　the　colouring　if　the　hand　was　moist。　　He　said　he　wouldn't　stay；　as　he　didn't　care　much　for　the　smell　of　the　paint；　and　fell　over　the　scraper　as　he　went　out。　　Must　get　the　scraper　removed；　or　else　I　shall　get　into　a　SCRAPE。　　I　don't　often　make　jokes。

April　5。　…　Two　shoulders　of　mutton　arrived；　Carrie　having　arranged　with　another　butcher　without　consulting　me。　　Gowing　called；　and　fell　over　scraper　coming　in。　　MUST　get　that　scraper　removed。

April　6。　…　Eggs　for　breakfast　simply　shocking；　sent　them　back　to　Borset　with　my　compliments；　and　he　needn't　call　any　more　for　orders。　　Couldn't　find　umbrella；　and　though　it　was　pouring　with　rain；　had　to　go　without　it。　　Sarah　said　Mr。　Gowing　must　have　took　it　by　mistake　last　night；　as　there　was　a　stick　in　the　'all　that　didn't　belong　to　nobody。　　In　the　evening；　hearing　someone　talking　in　a　loud　voice　to　the　servant　in　the　downstairs　hall；　I　went　out　to　see　who　it　was；　and　was　surprised　to　find　it　was　Borset；　the　butterman；　who　was　both　drunk　and　offensive。　　Borset；　on　seeing　me；　said　he　would　be　hanged　if　he　would　ever　serve　City　clerks　any　more　…　the　game　wasn't　worth　the　candle。　　I　restrained　my　feelings；　and　quietly　remarked　that　I　thought　it　was　POSSIBLE　for　a　city　clerk　to　be　a　GENTLEMAN。　　He　replied　he　was　very　glad　to　hear　it；　and　wanted　to　know　whether　I　had　ever　come　across　one；　for　HE　hadn't。　　He　left　the　house；　slamming　the　door　after　him；　which　nearly　broke　the　fanlight；　and　I　heard　him　fall　over　the　scraper；　which　made　me　feel　glad　I　hadn't　removed　it。　　When　he　had　gone；　I　thought　of　a　splendid　answer　I　ought　to　have　given　him。　　However；　I　will　keep　it　for　another　occasion。

April　7。　…　Being　Saturday；　I　looked　forward　to　being　home　early；　and　putting　a　few　things　straight；　but　two　of　our　principals　at　the　office　were　absent　through　illness；　and　I　did　not　get　home　till　seven。　　Found　Borset　waiting。　　He　had　been　three　times　during　the　day　to　apologise　for　his　conduct　last　night。　　He　said　he　was　unable　to　take　his　Bank　Holiday　last　Monday；　and　took　it　last　night　instead。　　He　begged　me　to　accept　his　apology；　and　a　pound　of　fresh　butter。　　He　seems；　after　all；　a　decent　sort　of　fellow；　so　I　gave　him　an　order　for　some　fresh　eggs；　with　a　request　that　on　this　occasion　they　SHOULD　be　fresh。　　I　am　afraid　we　shall　have　to　get　some　new　stair…carpets　after　all；　our　old　ones　are　not　quite　wide　enough　to　meet　the　paint　on　either　side。　　Carrie　suggests　that　we　might　ourselves　broaden　the　paint。　　I　will　see　if　we　can　match　the　colour　（dark　chocolate）　on　Monday。

April　8；　Sunday。　…　After　Church；　the　Curate　came　back　with　us。　　I　sent　Carrie　in　to　open　front　door；　which　we　do　not　use　except　on　special　occasions。　　She　could　not　get　it　open；　and　after　all　my　display；　I　had　to　take　the　Curate　（whose　name；　by…the…by；　I　did　not　catch；）　round　the　side　entrance。　　He　caught　his　foot　in　the　scraper；　and　tore　the　bottom　of　his　trousers。　　Most　annoying；　as　Carrie　could　not　well　offer　to　repair　them　on　a　Sunday。　　After　dinner；　went　to　sleep。　　Took　a　walk　round　the　garden；　and　discovered　a　beautiful　spot　for　sowing　mustard…and…cress　and　radishes。　　Went　to　Church　again　in　the　evening：　　walked　back　with　the　Curate。　　Carrie　noticed　he　had　got　on　the　same　pair　of　trousers；　only　repaired。　　He　wants　me　to　take　round　the　plate；　which　I　think　a　great　compliment。



CHAPTER　II。



Tradesmen　and　the　scraper　still　troublesome。　　Gowing　rather　tiresome　with　his　complaints　of　the　paint。　　I　make　one　of　the　best　jokes　of　my　life。　　Delights　of　Gardening。　　Mr。　Stillbrook；　Gowing；　Cummings；　and　I　have　a　little　misunderstanding。　　Sarah　makes　me　look　a　fool　before　Cummings


April　9。　…　Commenced　the　morning　badly。　　The　butcher；　whom　we　decided　NOT　to　arrange　with；　called　and　blackguarded　me　in　the　most　uncalled…for　manner。　　He　began　by　abusing　me；　and　saying　he　did　not　want　my　custom。　　I　simply　said：　　〃Then　what　are　you　making　all　this　fuss　about　it　for？〃　　And　he　shouted　out　at　the　top　of　his　voice；　so　that　all　the　neighbours　could　hear：　　〃Pah！　go　along。　　Ugh！　　I　could　buy　up　'things'　like　you　by　the　dozen！〃

I　shut　the　door；　and　was　giving　Carrie　to　understand　that　this　disgraceful　scene　was　entirely　her　fault；　when　there　was　a　violent　kicking　at　the　door；　enough　to　break　the　panels。　　It　was　the　blackguard　butcher　again；　who　said　he　had　cut　his　foot　over　the　scraper；　and　would　immediately　bring　an　action　against　me。　　Called　at　Farmerson's；　the　ironmonger；　on　my　way　to　town；　and　gave　him　the　job　of　moving　the　scraper　and　repairing　the　bells；　thinking　it　scarcely　worth　while　to　trouble　the　landlord　with　such　a　trifling　matter。

Arrived　home　tired　and　worried。　　Mr。　Putley；　a　painter　and　decorator；　who　had　sent　in　a　card；　said　he　could　not　match　the　colour　on　the　stairs；　as　it　contained　Indian　carmine。　　He　said　he　spent　half…a…day　calling　at　warehouses　to　see　if　he　could　get　it。　He　suggested　he　should　entirely　repaint　the　stairs。　　It　would　cost　very　little　more；　if　he　tried　to　match　it；　he　could　only　make　a　bad　job　of　it。　　It　would　be　more　satisfactory　to　him　and　to　us　to　have　the　work　done　properly。　　I　consented；　but　felt　I　had　been　talked　over。　　Planted　some　mustard…and…cress　and　radishes；　and　went　to　bed　at　nine。

April　10。　…　Farmerson　came　round　to　attend　to　the　scraper　himself。　He　seems　a　very　civil　fellow。　　He　says　he　does　not　usually　conduct　such　small　jobs　personally；　but　for　me　he　would　do　so。　　I　thanked　him；　and　went　to　town。　　It　is　disgraceful　how　late　some　of　the　young　clerks　are　at　arriving。　　I　told　three　of　them　that　if　Mr。　Perkupp；　the　principal；　heard　of　it；　they　might　be　discharged。

Pitt；　a　monkey　of　seventeen；　who　has　only　been　with　us　six　weeks；　told　me　〃to　keep　my　hair　on！〃　　I　informed　him　I　had　had　the　honour　of　being　in　the　firm　twenty　years；　to　which　he　insolently　replied　that　I　〃looked　it。〃　　I　gave　him　an　indignant　look；　and　said：　　〃I　demand　from　you　some　respect；　sir。〃　　He　replied：　　〃All　right；　go　on　demanding。〃　　I　would　not　argue　with　him　any　further。　　You　cannot　argue　with　people　like　that。　　In　the　evening　Gowing　called；　and　repeated　his　complaint　about　the　smell　of　paint。　　Gowing　is　sometimes　very　tedious　with　his　remarks；