memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第14节
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rue difficulty in the way of these confessions was the not having made them already。 Ludlow had long been entitled to this confidence； and； though the existence of this power was venial or wholly innocent； the obstinate concealment of it was a different matter； and would certainly expose me to suspicion and rebuke。 But what was the alternative？ To conceal it。 To incur those dreadful punishments awarded against treason in this particular。 Ludlow's menaces still rung in my ears； and appalled my heart。 How should I be able to shun them？ By concealing from every one what I concealed from him？ How was my concealment of such a faculty to be suspected or proved？ Unless I betrayed myself； who could betray me？
In this state of mind； I resolved to confess myself to Ludlow in the way that he required； reserving only the secret of this faculty。 Awful； indeed； said I； is the crisis of my fate。 If Ludlow's declarations are true； a horrid catastrophe awaits me： but as fast as my resolutions were shaken； they were confirmed anew by the recollectionWho can betray me but myself？ If I deny； who is there can prove？ Suspicion can never light upon the truth。 If it does； it can never be converted into certainty。 Even my own lips cannot confirm it； since who will believe my testimony？
By such illusions was I fortified in my desperate resolution。 Ludlow returned at the time appointed。 He informed me that Mrs。 Benington expected me next morning。 She was ready to depart for her country residence； where she proposed to spend the ensuing summer； and would carry me along with her。 In consequence of this arrangement； he said； many months would elapse before he should see me again。 You will indeed； continued he； be pretty much shut up from all society。 Your books and your new friend will be your chief； if not only companions。 Her life is not a social one； because she has formed extravagant notions of the importance of lonely worship and devout solitude。 Much of her time will be spent in meditation upon pious books in her closet。 Some of it in long solitary rides in her coach； for the sake of exercise。 Little will remain for eating and sleeping； so that unless you can prevail upon her to violate her ordinary rules for your sake； you will be left pretty much to yourself。 You will have the more time to reflect upon what has hitherto been the theme of our conversations。 You can come to town when you want to see me。 I shall generally be found in these apartments。
In the present state of my mind； though impatient to see Mrs。 Benington； I was still more impatient to remove the veil between Ludlow and myself。 After some pause； I ventured to enquire if there was any impediment to my advancement in the road he had already pointed out to my curiosity and ambition。
He replied； with great solemnity； that I was already acquainted with the next step to be taken in this road。 If I was prepared to make him my confessor； as to the past； the present； and the future； ~~without exception or condition~~； but what arose from defect of memory； he was willing to receive my confession。
I declared myself ready to do so。
I need not； he returned； remind you of the consequences of concealment or deceit。 I have already dwelt upon these consequences。 As to the past； you have already told me； perhaps； all that is of any moment to know。 It is in relation to the future that caution will be chiefly necessary。 Hitherto your actions have been nearly indifferent to the ends of your future existence。 Confessions of the past are required； because they are an earnest of the future character and conduct。 Have you thenbut this is too abrupt。 Take an hour to reflect and deliberate。 Go by yourself； take yourself to severe task； and make up your mind with a full； entire； and unfailing resolution； for the moment in which you assume this new obligation will make you a new being。 Perdition or felicity will hang upon that moment。
This conversation was late in the evening。 After I had consented to postpone this subject； we parted； he telling me that he would leave his chamber door open； and as soon as my mind was made up I might come to him。
*The reader must be reminded that the incidents of this narrative are supposed to have taken place before the voyages of Bougainville and Cook。Editor。
Chapter X。
I retired accordingly to my apartment； and spent the prescribed hour in anxious and irresolute reflections。 They were no other than had hitherto occurred； but they occurred with more force than ever。 Some fatal obstinacy； however； got possession of me； and I persisted in the resolution of concealing ~~one thing~~。 We become fondly attached to objects and pursuits； frequently for no conceivable reason but the pain and trouble they cost us。 In proportion to the danger in which they involve us do we cherish them。 Our darling potion is the poison that scorches our vitals。
After some time； I went to Ludloe's apartment。 I found him solemn； and yet benign； at my entrance。 After intimating my compliance with the terms prescribed； which I did； in spite of all my labour for composure； with accents half faultering； he proceeded to put various questions to me； relative to my early history。
I knew there was no other mode of accomplishing the end in view； but by putting all that was related in the form of answers to questions； and when meditating on the character of Ludloe； I experienced excessive uneasiness as to the consummate art and penetration which his questions would manifest。 Conscious of a purpose to conceal； my fancy invested my friend with the robe of a judicial inquisitor； all whose questions should aim at extracting the truth； and entrapping the liar。
In this respect； however； I was wholly disappointed。 All his inquiries were general and obvious。They betokened curiosity； but not suspicion； yet there were moments when I saw； or fancied I saw； some dissatisfaction betrayed in his features； and when I arrived at that period of my story which terminated with my departure； as his companion； for Europe； his pauses were； I thought； a little longer and more museful than I liked。 At this period； our first conference ended。 After a talk； which had commenced at a late hour； and had continued many hours； it was time to sleep； and it was agreed that next morning the conference should be renewed。
On retiring to my pillow； and reviewing all the circumstances of this interview； my mind was filled with apprehension and disquiet。 I seemed to recollect a thousand things； which showed that Ludloe was not fully satisfied with my part in this interview。 A strange and nameless mixture of wrath and of pity appeared； on recollection； in the glances which； from time to time； he cast upon me。 Some emotion played upon his features； in which； as my fears conceived； there was a tincture of resentment and ferocity。 In vain I called my usual sophistries to my aid。 In vain I pondered on the inscrutable nature of my peculiar faculty。 In vain I endeavoured to persuade myself； that； by telling the truth； instead of entitling myself to Ludloe's approbation； I should only excite his anger； by what he could not but deem an attempt to impose upon his belief an incredible tale of impossible events。 I had never heard or read of any instance of this faculty。 I supposed the case to be absolutely singular； and I should be no more entitled to credit in proclaiming it； than if I should maintain that a certain billet of wood possessed the faculty of articulate speech。 It was now； however； too late to retract。 I had been guilty of a solemn and deliberate concealment。 I was now in the path in which there was no turning back； and I must go forward。
The return of day's encouraging beams in some degree quieted my nocturnal terrors； and I went； at the appointed hour； to Ludloe's presence。 I found him with a much more cheerful aspect than I expected； and began to chide myself； in secret； for the folly of my late apprehensions。
After a little pause； he reminded me； that he was only one among many； engaged in a great and arduous design。 As each of us； continued he； is mortal； each of us must； in time； yield his post to another。Each of us is ambitious to provide himself a successor； to have his place filled by one selected and instructed by himself。 All our personal feelings and affections are by no means intended to be swallowed up by a passion for the general interest； when they can be kept alive and be brought into play； in subordination and subservience to the ~~great end~~； they are cherished as useful； and revered as laudable； and whatever austerity and rigour you may impute to my character； there are few more susceptible of personal regards than I am。
You cannot know； till ~~you~~ are what ~~I~~ am； what deep； what all…absorbing interest I have in the success of my tutorship on this occasion。 Most joyfully would I embrace a thousand deaths； rather than that you should prove a recreant。 The consequences of any failure in your integrity will； it is true； be fatal to yourself： but there are some minds； of a generous texture； who are more impatient under ills they have inflicted upon others； than of those they have brought upon themselves； who had rather peris
