all roads lead to calvary-第45节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
There was no forgetting those deep； burning eyes； though the face had changed。 The thin red lips still remained its one touch of colour； but the unhealthy whiteness of the skin had given place to a delicate pallor； and the features that had been indistinct had shaped themselves in fine； firm lines。 It was a beautiful； arresting face； marred only by the sullen callousness of the dark； clouded eyes。
Joan was glad of the assistance。 Hilda produced pins。
〃I always come prepared to these scrimmages；〃 she explained。 〃I've got some Hazeline in my bag。 They haven't kicked you； have they？〃
〃No；〃 laughed Joan。 〃At least； I don't think so。〃
〃They do sometimes；〃 answered Hilda； 〃if you happen to be in the way； near the feeding troughs。 If they'd only put all the refreshments into one room； one could avoid it。 But they will scatter them about so that one never knows for certain whether one is in the danger zone or not。 I hate a mob。〃
〃Why do you come？〃 asked Joan。
〃Oh； I！〃 answered the girl。 〃I go everywhere where there's a chance of picking up a swell husband。 They've got to come to these shows； they can't help themselves。 One never knows what incident may give one one's opportunity。〃
Joan shot a glance。 The girl was evidently serious。
〃You think it would prove a useful alliance？〃 she suggested。
〃It would help； undoubtedly；〃 the girl answered。 〃I don't see any other way of getting hold of them。〃
Joan seated herself on one of the chairs ranged round the walls； and drew the girl down beside her。 Through the closed door； the mingled voices of the Foreign Secretary's guests sounded curiously like the buzzing of flies。
〃It's quite easy；〃 said Joan； 〃with your beauty。 Especially if you're not going to be particular。 But isn't there danger of your devotion to your father leading you too far？ A marriage founded on a lieno matter for what purpose！mustn't it degrade a woman smirch her soul for all time？ We have a right to give up the things that belong to ourselves； but not the things that belong to God： our truth； our sincerity； our cleanliness of mind and body； the things that He may one day want of us。 It led you into evil once before。 Don't think I'm judging you。 I was no better than you。 I argued just as you must have done。 Something stopped me just in time。 That was the only difference between us。〃
The girl turned her dark eyes full upon Joan。 〃What did stop you？〃 she demanded。
〃Does it matter what we call it？〃 answered Joan。 〃It was a voice。〃
〃It told me to do it；〃 answered the girl。
〃Did no other voice speak to you？〃 asked Joan。
〃Yes；〃 answered the girl。 〃The voice of weakness。〃
There came a fierce anger into the dark eyes。 〃Why did you listen to it？〃 she demanded。 〃All would have been easy if you hadn't。〃
〃You mean；〃 answered Joan quietly； 〃that if I had let your mother die and had married your father； that he and I would have loved each other to the end； that I should have helped him and encouraged him in all things； so that his success would have been certain。 Is that the argument？〃
〃Didn't you love him？〃 asked the girl； staring。 〃Wouldn't you have helped him？〃
〃I can't tell；〃 answered Joan。 〃I should have meant to。 Many men and women have loved； and have meant to help each other all their lives； and with the years have drifted asunder； coming even to be against one another。 We change and our thoughts change； slight differences of temperament grow into barriers between us； unguessed antagonisms widen into gulfs。 Accidents come into our lives。 A friend was telling me the other day of a woman who practically proposed to and married a musical genius； purely and solely to be of use to him。 She earned quite a big income； drawing fashions； and her idea was to relieve him of the necessity of doing pot… boilers for a living； so that he might devote his whole time to his real work。 And a few weeks after they were married she ran the point of a lead pencil through her eye and it set up inflammation of her brain。 And now all the poor fellow has to think of is how to make enough to pay for her keep at a private lunatic asylum。 I don't mean to be flippant。 It's the very absurdity of it all that makes the mystery of lifethat renders it so hopeless for us to attempt to find our way through it by our own judgment。 It is like the ants making all their clever； laborious plans； knowing nothing of chickens and the gardener's spade。 That is why we have to cling to the life we can order for ourselvesthe life within us。 Truth； Justice； Pity。 They are the strong things； the eternal things； the things we've got to sacrifice ourselves forserve with our bodies and our souls。
〃Don't think me a prig；〃 she pleaded。 〃I'm talking as if I knew all about it。 I don't really。 I grope in the dark； and now and thenat least so it seems to meI catch a glint of light。 We are powerless in ourselves。 It is only God working through us that enables us to be of any use。 All we can do is to keep ourselves kind and clean and free from self； waiting for Him to come to us。〃
The girl rose。 〃I must be getting back；〃 she said。 〃Dad will be wondering where I've got to。〃
She paused with the door in her hand； and a faint smile played round the thin red lips。
〃Tell me；〃 she said。 〃What is God？〃
〃A Labourer； together with man； according to Saint Paul；〃 Joan answered。
The girl turned and went。 Joan watched her as she descended the great staircase。 She moved with a curious； gliding motion； pausing at times for the people to make way for her。
CHAPTER XVI
It was a summer's evening； Joan had dropped in at the Greysons and had found Mary alone； Francis not having yet returned from a bachelor dinner at his uncle's； who was some big pot in the Navy。 They sat in the twilight； facing the open French windows； through which one caught a glimpse of the park。 A great stillness seemed to be around them。
The sale and purchase of the Evening Gazette had been completed a few days before。 Greyson had been offered the alternative of gradually and gracefully changing his opinions； or getting out； and had； of course； chosen dismissal。 He was taking a holiday； as Mary explained with a short laugh。
〃He had some shares in it himself； hadn't he？〃 Joan asked。
〃Oh； just enough to be of no use；〃 Mary answered。 〃Carleton was rather decent； so far as that part of it was concerned； and insisted on paying him a fair price。 The market value would have been much less； and he wanted to be out of it。〃
Joan remained silent。 It made her mad； that a man could be suddenly robbed of fifteen years' labour： the weapon that his heart and brain had made keen wrested from his hand by a legal process； and turned against the very principles for which all his life he had been fighting。
〃I'm almost more sorry for myself than for him；〃 said Mary； making a whimsical grimace。 〃He will start something else； so soon as he's got over his first soreness； but I'm too old to dream of another child。〃
He came in a little later and； seating himself between them； filled and lighted his pipe。 Looking back； Joan remembered that curiously none of them had spoken。 Mary had turned at the sound of his key in the door。 She seemed to be watching him intently； but it was too dark to notice her expression。 He pulled at his pipe till it was well alight and then removed it。
〃It's war；〃 he said。
The words made no immediate impression upon Joan。 There had been rumours； threatenings and alarms； newspaper talk。 But so there had been before。 It would come one day： the world war that one felt was gathering in the air； that would burst like a second deluge on the nations。 But it would not be in our time： it was too big。 A way out would be found。
〃Is there no hope？〃 asked Mary。
〃Yes；〃 he answered。 〃The hope that a miracle may happen。 The Navy's got its orders。〃
And suddenlyas years before in a Paris music hallthere leapt to life within Joan's brain a little impish creature that took possession of her。 She hoped the miracle would not happen。 The little impish creature within her brain was marching up and down beating a drum。 She wished he would stop a minute。 Someone was trying to talk to her； telling her she ought to be tremendously shocked and grieved。 Heor she； or whatever it was that was trying to talk to her； appeared concerned about Reason and Pity and Universal Brotherhood and Civilization's clockthings like that。 But the little impish drummer was making such a din； she couldn't properly hear。 Later on； perhaps； he would get tired； and then she would be able to listen to this humane and sensible person； whoever it might be。
Mary argued that England could and should keep out of it； but Greyson was convinced it would be impossible； not to say dishonourable： a sentiment that won the enthusiastic approval of the little drummer in Joan's brain。 He played 〃Rule Britannia〃 and 〃God Save the King；〃 the 〃Marseillaise〃 and the Russian National hymn； all at the same time。 He would have included 〃Deutschland uber Alles；〃 if Joan hadn't made a supreme effort and stopped him。 Evidently a sporting little devil。 He took himself off into a corner after a time； where he played quietly
