all roads lead to calvary-第43节
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a pleasurable adventure； and a newly…born fear of what people were saying and thinking about her made her shy even of the few friends she still clung to； so that his visits grew to be of the nature of childish treats to which she found herself looking forwardcounting the days。 Also； she came to be dependent upon him for the keeping alight within her of that little kindly fire of self…conceit at which we warm our hands in wintry days。 It is not good that a young woman should remain for long a stranger to her mirrorabove her frocks； indifferent to the angle of her hat。 She had met the women superior to feminine vanities。 Handsome enough； some of them must once have been； now sunk in slovenliness； uncleanliness； in disrespect to womanhood。 It would not be fair to him。 The worshipper has his rights。 The goddess must remember always that she is a goddessmust pull herself together and behave as such； appearing upon her pedestal becomingly attired； seeing to it that in all things she is at her best； not allowing private grief to render her neglectful of this duty。
She had not told him of the Phillips episode。 But she felt instinctively that he knew。 It was always a little mysterious to her； his perception in matters pertaining to herself。
〃I want your love；〃 she said to him one day。 〃It helps me。 I used to think it was selfish of me to take it； knowing I could never return itnot that love。 But I no longer feel that now。 Your love seems to me a fountain from which I can drink without hurting you。〃
〃I should love to be with you always；〃 he answered； 〃if you wished it。 You won't forget your promise？〃
She remembered it then。 〃No；〃 she answered with a smile。 〃I shall keep watch。 Perhaps I shall be worthy of it by that time。〃
She had lost her faith in journalism as a drum for the rousing of the people against wrong。 Its beat had led too often to the trickster's booth； to the cheap…jack's rostrum。 It had lost its rallying power。 The popular Press had made the newspaper a byword for falsehood。 Even its supporters； while reading it because it pandered to their passions； tickled their vices； and flattered their ignorance； despised and disbelieved it。 Here and there； an honest journal advocated a reform； pleaded for the sweeping away of an injustice。 The public shrugged its shoulders。 Another newspaper stunt！ A bid for popularity； for notoriety： with its consequent financial kudos。
She still continued to write for Greyson； but felt she was labouring for the doomed。 Lord Sutcliffe had died suddenly and his holding in the Evening Gazette had passed to his nephew； a gentleman more interested in big game shooting than in politics。 Greyson's support of Phillips had brought him within the net of Carleton's operations； and negotiations for purchase had already been commenced。 She knew that； sooner or later； Greyson would be offered the alternative of either changing his opinions or of going。 And she knew that he would go。 Her work for Mrs。 Denton was less likely to be interfered with。 It appealed only to the few； and aimed at informing and explaining rather than directly converting。 Useful enough work in its way； no doubt； but to put heart into it seemed to require longer views than is given to the eyes of youth。
Besides； her pen was no longer able to absorb her attention； to keep her mind from wandering。 The solitude of her desk gave her the feeling of a prison。 Her body made perpetual claims upon her； as though it were some restless； fretful child； dragging her out into the streets without knowing where it wanted to go； discontented with everything it did： then hurrying her back to fling itself upon a chair； weary； but still dissatisfied。
If only she could do something。 She was sick of thinking。
These physical activities into which women were throwing themselves！ Where one used one's body as well as one's brain hastened to appointments； gathered round noisy tables； met fellow human beings； argued with them； walked with them； laughing and talking； forced one's way through crowds； cheered； shouted； stood up on platforms before a sea of faces； roused applause； filling and emptying one's lungs； met interruptions with swift flash of wit or anger； faced opposition； dangerfelt one's blood surging through one's veins； felt one's nerves quivering with excitement； felt the delirious thrill of passion； felt the mad joy of the loosened animal。
She threw herself into the suffrage movement。 It satisfied her for a while。 She had the rare gift of public speaking； and enjoyed her triumphs。 She was temperate； reasonable； persuasive rather than aggressive； feeling her audience as she went； never losing touch with them。 She had the magnetism that comes of sympathy。 Medical students who came intending to tell her to go home and mind the baby； remained to wonder if man really was the undoubted sovereign of the world； born to look upon woman as his willing subject； to wonder whether under some unwritten whispered law it might not be the other way about。 Perhaps she had the rightwith or without the babyto move about the kingdom； express her wishes for its care and management。 Possibly his doubts may not have been brought about solely by the force and logic of her arguments。 Possibly the voice of Nature is not altogether out of place in discussions upon Humanity's affairs。
She wanted votes for women。 But she wanted them cleanwon without dishonour。 These 〃monkey tricks〃this apish fury and impatience！ Suppose it did hasten by a few months； more or less； the coming of the inevitable。 Suppose； by unlawful methods； one could succeed in dragging a reform a little prematurely from the womb of time； did not one endanger the child's health？ Of what value was woman's influence on public affairs going to be； if she was to boast that she had won the right to exercise it by unscrupulousness and brutality？
They were to be found at every corner： the reformers who could not reform themselves。 The believers in universal brotherhood who hated half the people。 The denouncers of tyranny demanding lamp… posts for their opponents。 The bloodthirsty preachers of peace。 The moralists who had persuaded themselves that every wrong was justified provided one were fighting for the right。 The deaf shouters for justice。 The excellent intentioned men and women labouring for reforms that could only be hoped for when greed and prejudice had yielded place to reason； and who sought to bring about their ends by appeals to passion and self…interest。
And the insincere； the self…seekers； the self…advertisers！ Those who were in the business for even coarser profit！ The lime…light lovers who would always say and do the clever； the unexpected thing rather than the useful and the helpful thing： to whom paradox was more than principle。
Ought there not to be a school for reformers； a training college where could be inculcated self…examination； patience； temperance； subordination to duty； with lectures on the fundamental laws； within which all progress must be accomplished； outside which lay confusion and explosions； with lectures on history； showing how improvements had been brought about and how failure had been invited； thus avoiding much waste of reforming zeal； with lectures on the properties and tendencies of human nature； forbidding the attempt to treat it as a sum in rule of three？
There were the others。 The men and women not in the lime…light。 The lone； scattered men and women who saw no flag but Pity's ragged skirt； who heard no drum but the world's low cry of pain； who fought with feeble hands against the wrong around them； who with aching heart and troubled eyes laboured to make kinder the little space about them。 The great army of the nameless reformers uncheered； unparagraphed； unhonoured。 The unknown sowers of the seed。 Would the reapers of the harvest remember them？
Beyond giving up her visits to the house； she had made no attempt to avoid meeting Phillips； and at public functions and at mutual friends they sometimes found themselves near to one another。 It surprised her that she could see him； talk to him； and even be alone with him without its troubling her。 He seemed to belong to a part of her that lay dead and buriedsomething belonging to her that she had thrust away with her own hands： that she knew would never come back to her。
She was still interested in his work and keen to help him。 It was going to be a stiff fight。 He himself； in spite of Carleton's opposition； had been returned with an increased majority； but the Party as a whole had suffered loss； especially in the counties。 The struggle centred round the agricultural labourer。 If he could be won over the Government would go ahead with Phillips's scheme。 Otherwise there was danger of its being shelved。 The difficulty was the old problem of how to get at the men of the scattered villages； the lonely cottages。 The only papers that they ever saw were those； chiefly of the Carleton group； that the farmers and the gentry took care should come within their reach； that were handed to them at the end of their day's work as a kindly gift； given to the school children to take home with them； supplied in ample numbers to all the little inns and pu
