all roads lead to calvary-第42节

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iable　to　clash。　　Nan's　my　helpmatejust　a　loving　woman　that　the　Lord　brought　to　me　and　gave　me　when　I　was　alonethat　I　still　love。　　I　didn't　know　it　till　last　night。　　She　will　never　stand　in　my　way。　　I　haven't　to　put　her　against　my　duty。　　She　will　leave　me　free　to　obey　the　voice　that　calls　to　me。　　And　no　man　can　hear　that　voice　but　himself。〃

He　had　been　speaking　in　a　clear；　self…confident　tone；　as　if　at　last　he　saw　his　road　before　him　to　the　end；　and　felt　that　nothing　else　mattered　but　that　he　should　go　forward　hopefully；　unfalteringly。　Now　he　paused；　and　his　eyes　wandered。　　But　the　lines　about　his　strong　mouth　deepened。

〃Perhaps；　I　am　not　of　the　stuff　that　conquerors　are　made；〃　he　went　on。　　〃Perhaps；　if　I　were；　I　should　be　thinking　differently。　　It　comes　to　me　sometimes　that　I　may　be　one　of　those　intended　only　to　prepare　the　waythat　for　me　there　may　be　only　the　endless　struggle。　　I　may　have　to　face　unpopularity；　abuse；　failure。　　She　won't　mind。〃

〃Nor　would　you；〃　he　added；　turning　to　her　suddenly　for　the　first　time；　〃I　know　that。　　But　I　should　be　afraidfor　you。〃

She　had　listened　to　him　without　interrupting；　and　even　now　she　did　not　speak　for　a　while。

It　was　hard　not　to。　　She　wanted　to　tell　him　that　he　was　all　wrong　at　least；　so　far　as　she　was　concerned。　　It。　was　not　the　conqueror　she　loved　in　him；　it　was　the　fighter。　　Not　in　the　hour　of　triumph　but　in　the　hour　of　despair　she　would　have　yearned　to　put　her　arms　about　him。　　〃Unpopularity；　abuse；　failure；〃　it　was　against　the　fear　of　such　that　she　would　have　guarded　him。　　Yes；　she　had　dreamed　of　leadership；　influence；　command。　　But　it　was　the　leadership　of　the　valiant　few　against　the　hosts　of　the　oppressors　that　she　claimed。　Wealth；　honours！　　Would　she　have　given　up　a　life　of　ease；　shut　herself　off　from　society；　if　these　had　been　her　standards？　〃Mesalliance！〃　　Had　the　male　animal　no　instinct；　telling　it　when　it　was　loved　with　all　a　woman's　being；　so　that　any　other　union　would　be　her　degradation。

It　was　better　for　him　he　should　think　as　he　did。　　She　rose　and　held　out　her　hand。

〃I　will　stay　with　her　for　a　little　while；〃　she　said。　　〃Till　I　feel　there　is　no　more　need。　　Then　I　must　get　back　to　work。〃

He　looked　into　her　eyes；　holding　her　hand；　and　she　felt　his　body　trembling。　　She　knew　he　was　about　to　speak；　and　held　up　a　warning　hand。

〃That's　all；　my　lad；〃　she　said　with　a　smile。　　〃My　love　to　you；　and　God　speed　you。〃

Mrs。　Phillips　progressed　slowly　but　steadily。　　Life　was　returning　to　her；　but　it　was　not　the　same。　　Out　of　those　days　there　had　come　to　her　a　gentle　dignity；　a　strengthening　and　refining。　　The　face；　now　pale　and　drawn；　had　lost　its　foolishness。　　Under　the　thin；　white　hair；　and　in　spite　of　its　deep　lines；　it　had　grown　younger。　A　great　patience；　a　child…like　thoughtfulness　had　come　into　the　quiet　eyes。

She　was　sitting　by　the　window；　her　hands　folded。　　Joan　had　been　reading　to　her；　and　the　chapter　finished；　she　had　closed　the　book　and　her　thoughts　had　been　wandering。　　Mrs。　Phillips's　voice　recalled　them。

〃Do　you　remember　that　day；　my　dear；〃　she　said；　〃when　we　went　furnishing　together。　　And　I　would　have　all　the　wrong　things。　　And　you　let　me。〃

〃Yes；〃　answered　Joan　with　a　laugh。　　〃They　were　pretty　awful；　some　of　them。〃

〃I　was　just　wondering；〃　she　went　on。　　〃It　was　a　pity；　wasn't　it？　　I　was　silly　and　began　to　cry。〃

〃I　expect　that　was　it；〃　Joan　confessed。　　〃It　interferes　with　our　reason　at　times。〃

〃It　was　only　a　little　thing；　of　course；　that；〃　she　answered。　　〃But　I've　been　thinking　it　must　be　that　that's　at　the　bottom　of　it　all；　and　that　is　why　God　lets　there　be　weak　thingschildren　and　little　animals　and　men　and　women　in　pain；　that　we　feel　sorry　for；　so　that　people　like　you　and　Robert　and　so　many　others　are　willing　to　give　up　all　your　lives　to　helping　them。　　And　that　is　what　He　wants。〃

〃Perhaps　God　cannot　help　there　being　weak　things；〃　answered　Joan。　〃Perhaps　He；　too；　is　sorry　for　them。〃

〃It　comes　to　the　same　thing；　doesn't　it；　dear？〃　she　answered。　〃They　are　there；　anyhow。　　And　that　is　how　He　knows　those　who　are　willing　to　serve　Him：　　by　their　being　pitiful。〃

They　fell　into　a　silence。　　Joan　found　herself　dreaming。

Yes；　it　was　true。　　It　must　have　been　the　beginning　of　all　things。　Man；　pitiless；　deaf；　blind；　groping　in　the　darkness；　knowing　not　even　himself。　　And　to　her　vision；　far　off；　out　of　the　mist；　he　shaped　himself　before　her：　　that　dim；　first　standard…bearer　of　the　Lord；　the　man　who　first　felt　pity。　　Savage；　brutish；　dumblonely　there　amid　the　desolation；　staring　down　at　some　hurt　creature；　man　or　beast　it　mattered　not；　his　dull　eyes　troubled　with　a　strange　new　pain　he　understood　not。

And　suddenly；　as　he　stooped；　there　must　have　come　a　great　light　into　his　eyes。

Man　had　heard　God's　voice　across　the　deep；　and　had　made　answer。



CHAPTER　XV



The　years　that　followedtill；　like　some　shipwrecked　swimmer　to　whom　returning　light　reveals　the　land；　she　felt　new　life　and　hopes　come　back　to　heralways　remained　in　her　memory　vague；　confused；　a　jumble　of　events；　thoughts；　feelings；　without　sequence　or　connection。

She　had　gone　down　to　Liverpool；　intending　to　persuade　her　father　to　leave　the　control　of　the　works　to　Arthur；　and　to　come　and　live　with　her　in　London；　but　had　left　without　broaching　the　subject。　　There　were　nights　when　she　would　trapse　the　streets　till　she　would　almost　fall　exhausted；　rather　than　face　the　solitude　awaiting　her　in　her　own　rooms。　　But　so　also　there　were　moods　when；　like　some　stricken　animal；　her　instinct　was　to　shun　all　living　things。　　At　such　times　his　presence；　for　all　his　loving　patience；　would　have　been　as　a　knife　in　her　wound。　　Besides；　he　would　always　be　there；　when　escape　from　herself　for　a　while　became　an　absolute　necessity。　　More　and　more　she　had　come　to　regard　him　as　her　comforter。　　Not　from　anything　he　ever　said　or　did。　　Rather；　it　seemed　to　her；　because　that　with　him　she　felt　no　need　of　words。

The　works；　since　Arthur　had　shared　the　management；　had　gradually　been　regaining　their　position；　and　he　had　urged　her　to　let　him　increase　her　allowance。

〃It　will　give　you　greater　freedom；〃　he　had　suggested　with　fine　assumption　of　propounding　a　mere　business　proposition；　〃enabling　you　to　choose　your　work　entirely　for　its　own　sake。　　I　have　always　wanted　to　take　a　hand　in　helping　things　on。　　It　will　come　to　just　the　same；　your　doing　it　for　me。〃

She　had　suppressed　a　smile；　and　had　accepted。　　〃Thanks；　Dad；〃　she　had　answered。　　〃It　will　be　nice；　having　you　as　my　backer。〃

Her　admiration　of　the　independent　woman　had　undergone　some　modification　since　she　had　come　in　contact　with　her。　　Woman　was　intended　to　be　dependent　upon　man。　　It　was　the　part　appointed　to　him　in　the　social　scheme。　　Woman　had　hers；　no　less　important。　Earning　her　own　living　did　not　improve　her。　　It　was　one　of　the　drawbacks　of　civilization　that　so　many　had　to　do　it　of　necessity。　It　developed　her　on　the　wrong　linesagainst　her　nature。　　This　cry　of　the　unsexed：　　that　woman　must　always　be　the　paid　servant　instead　of　the　helper　of　manpaid　for　being　mother；　paid　for　being　wife！　Why　not　carry　it　to　its　logical　conclusion；　and　insist　that　she　should　be　paid　for　her　embraces？　　That　she　should　share　in　man's　labour；　in　his　hopes；　that　was　the　true　comradeship。　　What　mattered　it；　who　held　the　purse…strings！

Her　room　was　always　kept　ready　for　her。　　Often　she　would　lie　there；　watching　the　moonlight　creep　across　the　floor；　and　a　curious　feeling　would　come　to　her　of　being　something　wandering；　incomplete。　She　would　see　as　through　a　mist　the　passionate；　restless　child　with　the　rebellious　eyes　to　whom　the　room　had　once　belonged；　and　later　the　strangely　self…possessed　girl　with　that　impalpable　veil　of　mystery　around　her　who　would　stand　with　folded　hands；　there　by　the　window；　seeming　always　to　be　listening。　　And　she；　too；　had　passed　away。　　The　tears　would　come　into　her　eyes；　and　she　would　stretch　out　yearning　arms　towards　their　shadowy　forms。　　But　they　would　only　turn　upon　her　eyes　that　saw　not；　and　would　fade　away。

In　the　day…time；　when　Arthur　and　her　father　were　at　the　works；　she　would　move　through　the　high；　square；　stiffly…furnished　rooms；　or　about　the　great　formal　garden；　with　its　ordered　walks　and　level　lawns。　　And　as　with　knowledge　we　come　to　love　some　old；　stern　face　our　childish　eyes　had　thought　forbidding；　and　would　not　have　it　changed；　there　came　to　her　with　the　years　a　growing　fondness　for　the　old；　plain　brick…built　house。　　Generations　of　Allways　had　lived　and　died　there：　　men　and　women　somewhat　narrow；　unsympathetic；　a　little　hard　of　understanding；　but　at　least　earnest；　sincere；　seeking　to　do　their　duty　in　their　solid；　unimaginative　way。　Perhaps　there　were　other　ways　besides　those　of　speech　and　pen。　Perhaps　one　did　better；　keeping　to　one's　own　people；　the　very　qualities　that　separated　us　from　them　being　intended　for　their　need。　　What　mattered　the　colours；　so　that　one　followed　the　flag？　Somewhere；　all　roads　would　meet。

Arthur　had　to　be　in　London　generally　once　or　twice　a　month；　and　it　came　to　be　accepted　that　he　should　always　call　upon　her　and　〃take　her　out。〃　　She　had　lost　the　self…sufficiency　that　had　made　roaming　about　London　by　herself　a　pleasurable　adventure；　and　a　newly…born　fear　of　what　people　were　saying　and　thinking　about　her　mad