all roads lead to calvary-第40节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
n had once told her； it was herselfher personality that was her greatest asset。 Was it to be utterly wasted？ There were hundreds of impersonal； sexless women； equipped for nothing else； with pens as keen if not keener than hers。 That was not the talent with which she had been entrustedfor which she would have to account。 It was her beauty； her power to charm； to draw after her… …to compel by the mere exercise of her will。 Hitherto Beauty had been content to barter itself for mere coin of the realmfor ease and luxury and pleasure。 She only asked to be allowed to spend it in service。 As his wife； she could use it to fine ends。 By herself she was helpless。 One must take the world as one finds it。 It gives the unmated woman no opportunity to employ the special gifts with which God has endowed herexcept for evil。 As the wife of a rising statesman； she could be a force for progress。 She could become another Madame Roland； gather round her all that was best of English social life； give back to it its lost position in the vanguard of thought。
She could strengthen him； give him courage。 Without her； he would always remain the mere fighter； doubtful of himself。 The confidence； the inspiration； necessary for leadership； she alone could bring to him。 Each by themselves was incomplete。 Together； they would be the whole。 They would build the city of their dreams。
She seemed to have become a wandering spirit rather than a living being。 She had no sense of time or place。 Once she had started； hearing herself laugh。 She was seated at a table； and was talking。 And then she had passed back into forgetfulness。 Now； from somewhere； she was gazing downward。 Roofs； domes and towers lay stretched before her； emerging from a sea of shadows。 She held out her arms towards them and the tears came to her eyes。 The poor tired people were calling to her to join with him to help them。 Should she fail themturn deaf ears to the myriad because of pity for one useless； feeble life？
She had been fashioned to be his helpmate； as surely as if she had been made of the same bone。 Nature was at one with God。 Spirit and body both yearned for him。 It was not positionpower for herself that she craved。 The marriage marketif that had been her desire： it had always been open to her。 She had the gold that buys these things。 Wealth； ambition： they had been offered to herspread out temptingly before her eyes。 They were always within her means； if ever she chose to purchase them。 It was this man alone to whom she had ever felt drawnthis man of the people； with that suggestion about him of something primitive； untamed； causing her always in his presence that faint； compelling thrill of fear； who stirred her blood as none of the polished men of her own class had ever done。 His kind； strong； ugly face： it moved beside her： its fearless； tender eyes now pleading； now commanding。
He needed her。 She heard his passionate； low voice； as she had heard it in the little garden above Meudon： 〃Because you won't be there； and without you I can do nothing。〃 What right had this poor； worn…out shadow to stand between them； to the end？ Had love and life no claims； but only weakness？ She had taken all； had given nothing。 It was but reparation she was making。 Why stop her？
She was alone in a maze of narrow； silent streets that ended always in a high blank wall。 It seemed impossible to get away from this blank wall。 Whatever way she turned she was always coming back to it。
What was she to do？ Drag the woman back to life against her will lead her back to him to be a chain about his feet until the end？ Then leave him to fight the battle alone？
And herself？ All her world had been watching and would know。 She had counted her chickens before they were dead。 She had set her cap at the man； reckoning him already widowed； and his wife had come to life and snatched it from her head。 She could hear the laughterthe half amused； half contemptuous pity for her 〃rotten bad luck。〃 She would be their standing jest； till she was forgotten。
What would life leave to her？ A lonely lodging and a pot of ink that she would come to hate the smell of。 She could never marry。 It would be but her body that she could give to any other man。 Not even for the sake of her dreams could she bring herself to that。 It might have been possible before； but not now。 She could have won the victory over herself； but for hope； that had kindled the smouldering embers of her passion into flame。 What cunning devil had flung open this door； showing her all her heart's desire； merely that she should be called upon to slam it to in her own face？
A fierce anger blazed up in her brain。 Why should she listen？ Why had reason been given to us if we were not to use itweigh good and evil in the balance and decide for ourselves where lay the nobler gain？ Were we to be led hither and thither like blind children？ What was rightwhat wrong； but what our own God…given judgment told us？ Was it wrong of the woman to perform this act of self…renunciation； yielding up all things to love？ No； it was greatheroic of her。 It would be her cross of victory； her crown。
If the gift were noble； so also it could not be ignoble to accept it。
To reject it would be to dishonour it。
She would accept it。 The wonder of it should cast out her doubts and fears。 She would seek to make herself worthy of it。 Consecrate it with her steadfastness； her devotion。
She thought it ended。 But yet she sat there motionless。
What was plucking at her sleevestill holding her？
Unknowing； she had entered a small garden。 It formed a passage between two streets； and was left open day and night。 It was but a narrow strip of rank grass and withered shrubs with an asphalte pathway widening to a circle in the centre； where stood a gas lamp and two seats； facing one another。
And suddenly it came to her that this was her Garden of Gethsemane； and a dull laugh broke from her that she could not help。 It was such a ridiculous apology for Gethsemane。 There was not a corner in which one could possibly pray。 Only these two iron seats； one each side of the gaunt gas lamp that glared down upon them。 Even the withered shrubs were fenced off behind a railing。 A ragged figure sprawled upon the bench opposite to her。 It snored gently； and its breath came laden with the odour of cheap whisky。
But it was her Gethsemane： the best that Fate had been able to do for her。 It was here that her choice would be made。 She felt that。
And there rose before her the vision of that other Garden of Gethsemane with； below it； the soft lights of the city shining through the trees； and above； clear against the star…lit sky； the cold； dark cross。
It was only a little cross； hers； by comparison。 She could see that。 They seemed to be standing side by side。 But then she was only a womanlittle more than a girl。 And her courage was so small。 She thought He ought to know that。 For her； it was quite a big cross。 She wondered if He had been listening to all her arguments。 There was really a good deal of sense in some of them。 Perhaps He would understand。 Not all His prayer had come down to us。 He； too； had put up a fight for life。 He； too； was young。 For Him； also； life must have seemed but just beginning。 Perhaps He； too； had felt that His duty still lay among the people teaching； guiding； healing them。 To Him； too； life must have been sweet with its noble work； its loving comradeship。 Even from Him the words had to be wrung： 〃Thy will； not Mine； be done。〃
She whispered them at last。 Not bravely； at all。 Feebly； haltingly； with a little sob： her forehead pressed against the cold iron seat； as if that could help her。
She thought that even then God might reconsider itsee her point of view。 Perhaps He would send her a sign。
The ragged figure on the bench opposite opened its eyes； stared at her； then went to sleep again。 A prowling cat paused to rub itself against her foot； but meeting no response； passed on。 Through an open window； somewhere near； filtered the sound of a child's low whimpering。
It was daylight when she awoke。 She was cold and her limbs ached。 Slowly her senses came back to her。 The seat opposite was vacant。 The gas lamp showed but a faint blue point of flame。 Her dress was torn； her boots soiled and muddy。 Strands of her hair had escaped from underneath her hat。
She looked at her watch。 Fortunately it was still early。 She would be able to let herself in before anyone was up。 It was but a little way。 She wondered； while rearranging her hair； what day it was。 She would find out； when she got home； from the newspaper。
In the street she paused a moment and looked back through the railings。 It seemed even still more sordid in the daylight： the sooty grass and the withered shrubs and the asphalte pathway strewn with dirty paper。 And again a laugh she could not help broke from her。 Her Garden of Gethsemane！
She sent a brief letter round to Phillips； and a telegram to the nurse； preparing them for what she meant to do。 She had just time to pack a small trunk and catch the morning train。 At Folkestone； she drove first to a house where she herself had once lodged an
