all roads lead to calvary-第39节
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d a brush into one of the compartments and then remained with it in her hand； as if hesitating。 Suddenly she stuck out her tongue and passed the brush over it。 At least； so it seemed to Joan。 It was only a side view of Mrs。 Phillips's face that she was obtaining； and she may have been mistaken。 It might have been the lips。 The woman gave a little gasp and sat still for a moment。 Then； putting away the brush； she closed the box and slipped it under the pillow。
Joan felt her knees trembling。 A cold； creeping fear was taking possession of her。 Why； she could not understand。 She must have been mistaken。 People don't make…up their tongues。 It must have been the lips。 And even if notif the woman had licked the brush！ It was a silly trick people do。 Perhaps she liked the taste。 She pulled herself together and tapped at the door。
Mrs。 Phillips gave a little start at seeing her； but was glad that she had come。 Phillips had not been down for two days and she had been feeling lonesome。 She persisted in talking more than Joan felt was good for her。 She was feeling so much better； she explained。 Joan was relieved when the nurse came back from her walk and insisted on her lying down。 She dropped to sleep while Joan and the nurse were having their tea。
Joan went back by the early train。 She met some people at the station that she knew and travelled up with them。 That picture of Mrs。 Phillips's tongue just showing beyond the line of Mrs。 Phillips's cheek remained at the back of her mind； but it was not until she was alone in her own rooms that she dared let her thoughts return to it。
The suggestion that was forcing itself into her brain was monstrousunthinkable。 That； never possessed of any surplus vitality； and suffering from the added lassitude of illness； the woman should have become indifferentwilling to let a life that to her was full of fears and difficulties slip peacefully away from her； that was possible。 But that she should exercise thought and ingenuitythat she should have reasoned the thing out and deliberately laid her plans； calculating at every point on their success； it was inconceivable。
Besides； what could have put the idea into her head？ It was laughable； the presumption that she was a finished actress； capable of deceiving everyone about her。 If she had had an inkling of the truth； Joan； with every nerve on the alert； almost hoping for it； would have detected it。 She had talked with her alone the day before she had left England； and the woman had been full of hopes and projects for the future。
That picture of Mrs。 Phillips； propped up against the pillows； with her make…up box upon her knees was still before her when she went to bed。 All night long it haunted her： whether thinking or dreaming of it； she could not tell。
Suddenly； she sat up with a stifled cry。 It seemed as if a flash of light had been turned upon her； almost blinding her。
Hilda！ Why had she never thought of it？ The whole thing was so obvious。 〃You ought not to think about yourself。 You ought to think only of him and of his work。 Nothing else matters。〃 If she could say that to Joan； what might she not have said to her mother who； so clearly； she divined to be the incubusthe drag upon her father's career？ She could hear the child's dry； passionate tones… …could see Mrs。 Phillips's flabby cheeks grow whitethe frightened； staring eyes。 Where her father was concerned the child had neither conscience nor compassion。 She had waited her time。 It was a few days after Hilda's return to school that Mrs。 Phillips had been first taken ill。
She flung herself from the bed and drew the blind。 A chill； grey light penetrated the room。 It was a little before five。 She would go round to Phillips； wake him up。 He must be told。
With her hat in her hands； she paused。 No。 That would not do。 Phillips must never know。 They must keep the secret to themselves。 She would go down and see the woman； reason with her； insist。 She went into the other room。 It was lighter there。 The 〃A。B。C。〃 was standing in its usual place upon her desk。 There was a train to Folkestone at six…fifteen。 She had plenty of time。 It would be wise to have a cup of tea and something to eat。 There would be no sense in arriving there with a headache。 She would want her brain clear。
It was half…past five when she sat down with her tea in front of her。 It was only ten minutes' walk to Charing Crosssay a quarter of an hour。 She might pick up a cab。 She grew calmer as she ate and drank。 Her reason seemed to be returning to her。 There was no such violent hurry。 Hadn't she better think things over； in the clear daylight？ The woman had been ill now for nearly six weeks： a few hoursa day or twocould make no difference。 It might alarm the poor creature； her unexpected appearance at such an unusual hourcause a relapse。 Suppose she had been mistaken？ Hadn't she better make a few inquiries firstfeel her way？ One did harm more often than good； acting on impulse。 After all； had she the right to interfere？ Oughtn't the thing to be thought over as a whole？ Mightn't there be arguments； worth considering； against her interference？ Her brain was too much in a whirl。 Hadn't she better wait till she could collect and arrange her thoughts？
The silver clock upon her desk struck six。 It had been a gift from her father when she was at Girton。 It never obtruded。 Its voice was a faint musical chime that she need not hear unless she cared to listen。 She turned and looked at it。 It seemed to be a little face looking back at her out of its two round； blinkless eyes。 For the first time during all the years that it had watched beside her； she heard its quick； impatient tick。
She sat motionless； staring at it。 The problem； in some way； had simplified itself into a contest between herself； demanding time to think； and the little insistent clock； shouting to her to act upon blind impulse。 If she could remain motionless for another five minutes； she would have won。
The ticking of the little clock was filling the room。 The thing seemed to have become aliveto be threatening to burst its heart。 But the thin； delicate indicator moved on。
Suddenly its ticking ceased。 It had become again a piece of lifeless mechanism。 The hands pointed to six minutes past。 Joan took off her hat and laid it aside。
She must think the whole thing over quietly。
CHAPTER XIV
She could help him。 Without her； he would fail。 The woman herself saw that； and wished it。 Why should she hesitate？ It was not as if she had only herself to consider。 The fatethe happiness of millions was at stake。 He looked to her for aidfor guidance。 It must have been intended。 All roads had led to it。 Her going to the house。 She remembered now； it was the first door at which she had knocked。 Her footsteps had surely been directed。 Her meeting with Mrs。 Phillips in Madge's rooms； and that invitation to dinner； coinciding with that crisis in his life。 It was she who had persuaded him to accept。 But for her he would have doubted； wavered； let his opportunities slip by。 He had confessed it to her。
And she had promised him。 He needed her。 The words she had spoken to Madge； not dreaming then of their swift application。 They came back to her。 〃God has called me。 He girded His sword upon me。〃 What right had she to leave it rusting in its scabbard； turning aside from the pathway pointed out to her because of one weak； useless life； crouching in her way。 It was not as if she were being asked to do evil herself that good might come。 The decision had been taken out of her hands。 All she had to do was to remain quiescent； not interfering； awaiting her orders。 Her business was with her own part； not with another's。 To be willing to sacrifice oneself： that was at the root of all service。 Sometimes it was one's own duty； sometimes that of another。 Must one never go forward because another steps out of one's way； voluntarily？ Besides； she might have been mistaken。 That picture； ever before her； of the woman pausing with the brush above her tonguethat little stilled gasp！ It may have been but a phantasm； born of her own fevered imagination。 She clung to that； desperately。
It was the task that had been entrusted to her。 How could he hope to succeed without her。 With her； he would be all powerful accomplish the end for which he had been sent into the world。 Society counts for so much in England。 What public man had ever won through without its assistance。 As Greyson had said： it is the dinner…table that rules。 She could win it over to his side。 That mission to Paris that she had undertaken for Mrs。 Denton； that had brought her into contact with diplomatists； politicians； the leaders and the rulers； the bearers of names known and honoured in history。 They had accepted her as one of themselves。 She had influenced them； swayed them。 That afternoon at Folk's studio； where all eyes had followed her； where famous men and women had waited to attract her notice； had hung upon her words。 Even at school； at college； she had always commanded willing homage。 As Greyson had once told her； it was herselfher personality that was her greatest asset。 Was it to be utterl
